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Appottomaxx Sector Declares Itself ‘Earth-Free’

By Karna Firaliz APPOTTOMAXX SECTOR, Milky Way Galaxy – One of the largest sectors in the Milky Way Galaxy has declared itself to be an “Earth-Free Zone,” effective immediately. The Appottomaxx Sector is located in the Perseus Arm and contains over 6,000 star systems and over 1,500 autonomous empires, nations, and polities.  The Perseus Arm is the closest outer arm of the Milky Way to the Cygnus Arm, where Earth resides.  It is also one… Read More

LA Gridlock: Kurt Russell Helps People Escape from LA Because Of Course He Does

By Buffy Bolivar LOS ANGELES – Famous Actor, Kurt Russell, has apparently been helping people escape from Los Angeles and the surrounding areas, and yes, he realizes how that sounds. “I can’t believe he’s actually doing this,” said Roger McCormick, who was helped out of the LA Gridlock by Russell.  “I asked him, ‘Seriously?  You’re doing this?’  And he was like, ‘Yeah yeah, I know.  Come on, you want to get out of here, right?’ … Read More

‘Tiger vs. Tiger’ Match Ends with Present Tiger Tackle

by Dash Hamley AUGUSTA, Georgia – The well-marketed and dubious golf match, “Tiger vs. Tiger,” took place today at Augusta National, and it ended with the present-day Tiger Woods being tackled by security for charging at his younger self. The day began with excitement as tens of thousands of fans poured in and around Augusta National to try and catch a glimpse of either Tiger.  ABC, ESPN, and the Golf Channel had round-the-clock coverage of… Read More

World News: Dictators’ Statement, Garbage Island Community, and Beatles Ghosts

by Falco Rockbert Geneva – The world’s dictators released a joint statement to promote the good things they do for their nations.  “We do more than just make the trains run on time,” said the statement, and the rest of the statement promoted their marginal improvements in human rights (“Political prisoner rates have dropped 15% in the past five years.”), technological advancements (“We have upgraded all of our computers to DSL modems.”), and potato yields… Read More

Report: Werewolves Tried to Form Coalition with Pacifica, Asimovia

By Skip Daverman CLUJ – In a bold move, the Lupine Nation in Transylvania tried, and failed, to form a coalition with the aspiring nations of Pacifica and Asimovia a week ago. The report, published in a Transylvanian newspaper, showed several emails, texts, and phone conversations initiated by the Lupine Nation, which represents the werewolf population in Transylvania.  The conversations were sent out to leaders in the underwater nation of Pacifica, which is working to… Read More

After Extensive Review, Condor-Man Declared Officially Dead

By Packie Williams CHICAGO – The superhero Condor-Man was seemingly killed in an explosion chasing Claymore through a factory last week, and after extensive review, Condor-Man has been declared officially dead. Paul Condorman, 39, was a graduate student at Northwestern University, studying under Dr. Ian Langford, a biochemist, when he was exposed to radiation, a mixture of chemicals, and condor DNA in a freak accident in his lab 18 years ago.  The accident, which was… Read More

Japan’s Giant Robots Find Greater Success with Adult Pilots over Teenage Pilots

By Stan Hopewell TOKYO – For years Japan’s Giant Robot Battalion has used teenaged pilots with great success but also with great failure.  After the Metatank incident of 2003, which left 83 dead and billions in property damage, the Japanese government switched over to adult pilots, and the switch has worked better than anticipated. “It’s been remarkable,” said Lead Engineer, Toshi Akiyama.  “Who knew that mature adults would make better giant robot pilots than teenagers?”… Read More