The New Romford Free Press

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King Morn A’Ganor Greeted at Docks

By Stan Hopewell A little after 9am, the Atlanteans arrived at pier 34 as the M’ranic surfaced from Winston Bay.  Several Atlantean troops, wearing the country’s patented SCOBA devices around their gilled necks, exited the giant ship to form a royal procession for their king. Morn A’Ganor, along with his wife, Rosn’elia, exited the M’ranic to greet Adonis and Titana.  They had a small conversation at the pier, and then greeted Mayor Lawrence and the… Read More

Dracula Wins Transylvanian Election

By Buffy Bolivar CLUJ – In a decisive victory, Transylvanian Prime Minister Dracula won reelection for the 28th consecutive time, continuing his 220 year reign.  He defeated the Full Moon Party candidate, Dinu Nicolescu, a werewolf, with 61% of the vote. While publicly campaigning on jobs, infrastructure, and lower taxes on blood imports, Dracula ran a dirty campaign.  Nicolescu complained about attack ads aimed at him and his werewolf nature, calling them “disgraceful and discriminatory… Read More

Atlantis-Peace Force Meeting to Begin at 9am

By Stan Hopewell The Atlantis-Peace Force Meeting is set to start in an hour, and downtown New Romford is abuzz with activity.  The NRPD has barricaded Trevor Rd, 31st St, and 4th Ave to make a clear path for the Atlanteans.  Adonis, Titana, and Dr. Amazing are waiting at the docks to greet King Morn A’Ganor and his Royal Circle, along with Senator Saluzzi and Secretary of State Clinton.  The rest of the Peace Force… Read More

Mysterious Thefts Plague Dukes

By Packie Williams On the east end of Dukes, residents are mystified about a rash of thefts that have plagued their borough.  From Cloonyn to the University District to Gray Hills, residents are finding their valuables gone with no apparent signs of a break-in. “I was just checking up on some bonds in my personal safe,” said Cloonyn resident Al Shapiro, “and after I opened it, it was there and then it wasn’t.  I know… Read More

Muskrat Reopens the Quinton School for Young Superheroes

By Buffy Bolivar The infamous Quinton School for Young Superheroes is reopening tomorrow just outside of Carterson after being blown up in a tremendous superhuman battle seven years ago.  But this time, the Headmaster is the Muskrat. “People keep asking me if this is real,” the Muskrat said, “and yes, it is.  I know folks don’t think of me as a teacher, but the world needs a place like this for youngsters to go to… Read More

Birther Denies Own Birth, Ceases to Exist

By Falco Rockbert Leeds resident, John Mahoney, 43, who denied that President Barack Obama was born in Hawaii, began to question his own birth and thought himself out of existence. John had been questioning Obama’s birthplace for years now, according to friends and family, despite evidence that confirmed Obama was born in Honolulu, Hawaii.  “He just wouldn’t listen,” said Mary Mahoney, his visibly distraught wife.  “It was ridiculous, of course, but John’s a stubborn man. … Read More

Speedster In Town

By Chase Chapley Speedster is back in town, and citizens are bracing for a reckless time.  The Fastest Woman in the Galaxy has a history of reckless behavior while visiting New Romford.  Last year, she was responsible for a 300-car pileup on interstate highways 88 and 188 while chasing The Dinosaur Queen. But it’s the little things that cause New Romforders to squirm.  “She’s just so fast that I don’t think she knows where she’s… Read More