The New Romford Free Press

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Barbarian Castle Becomes Tourist Attraction

By Chase Chapley The barbarian castle in Dukes has remained in place despite Vrog’s magic no longer holding it in place.  How it remains is unknown, but the owner of the land it sits on is making the most of it. “It’s added a whole new dimension to the block,” said Karl Oppenheim, owner of the Seaside Shopping Centre.  “At first, I was devastated by having a castle in my shopping center, but after thinking… Read More

Oil Companies Buy Martians North Dakotan Land

By Buffy Bolivar MARS, North Dakota – The Martians of North Dakota no longer own the land given to them by the U.S. government nearly 70 years ago.  Oil companies have bought their land. With western North Dakota in the throes of an oil boom, all the major oil companies have bought large plots of land.  Human farmers have become millionaires over the past decade, and now the oil companies are expanding.  Their latest purchase… Read More

Peace Force Investigate 24 Dead Robots on Asimovia

By Stan Hopewell ASIMOVIA – After humans attacked Asimovia, leaving 24 dead robots, the Peace Force has begun an investigation into the attack.  Japan offered to help, but Asimovia declined. Asimovian officials wouldn’t comment on the investigation, and they’ve only allowed Peace Force members onto their island so long as they are robots or have pro-robot sympathies.  On-again, off-again PF member, Positron, joined the special investigation as he is the most prominent robot in the… Read More

Ask Julia: How Does Magic Work?

By Julia Crumpleman Hello, fellow New Romforders!  Today’s question comes from Bobby from way out in Carterson. How does magic work?  We all turned to barbarians.  I don’t know what that means, but my dad said it’s like Lord of the Rings, and I don’t really know what that is ether [sic].  What is Lord of the Rings? Well, Bobby, you got two questions in at once!  Normally, I don’t allow it, but I think… Read More

Giant Tails Possibly Emerge with Giant Australian Feet

  By Buffy Bolivar SYDNEY, Australia – The giant feet descending over the Australian Outback have brought other body parts along with them. Today, large gray cones appeared 30 miles behind each pair of feet.  The most likely explanation is that the cones belong to the giant feet, and that they are tails.  This does not bode well, as much as slowly descending gray giants can bode well for anything. “See?” said Professor Stratosphere, who’s… Read More

Space News Roundup: Skull Planet, 36-Year Campaign, the Cutest Volcanic Explosion, and Resort Planetoids

PLANET PEACE, f.k.a. SKULL PLANET – The pirates who “overthrew” the planet formerly known as Planet Peace have apparently grown bored of the planet they renamed Skull Planet.  After a two-week occupation, the pirates have left the planet, whatever its name is now.  Ostensibly, control of the planet has returned to the previous inhabitants, but reports show the pirates left the inhabitants worse for wear.  When the pirates were disappointed in the orgies, they ransacked… Read More

Hellena Sentenced to 40 Years

By Chase Chapley After returning from a losing bid in International Time Court, Hellena was sentenced to 40 years in prison for stealing an experimental device from ATOM Labs. Hellena, an alternate timeline version of Titana, returned to New Romford from Paris after all nine Time Judges denied her request to be tried by them rather than New Romford City Court.  The Time Judges were not persuaded by her attorney’s arguments.  Neither was the jury,… Read More