The New Romford Free Press

Your most superheroic news source.


Space News Roundup: Skull Planet, 36-Year Campaign, the Cutest Volcanic Explosion, and Resort Planetoids

PLANET PEACE, f.k.a. SKULL PLANET – The pirates who “overthrew” the planet formerly known as Planet Peace have apparently grown bored of the planet they renamed Skull Planet.  After a two-week occupation, the pirates have left the planet, whatever its name is now.  Ostensibly, control of the planet has returned to the previous inhabitants, but reports show the pirates left the inhabitants worse for wear.  When the pirates were disappointed in the orgies, they ransacked… Read More

Giant Space Dog Turns Out to Be Laika from Sputnik 2 Launch

By Skip Daverman MOSCOW – The giant space dog that emerged from the Russian asteroid earlier this week turns out to be the space dog, Laika, who was shot into space on the Sputnik 2 in 1957. After several DNA tests were conducted that showed the giant space dog had Earth dog DNA, someone in the secret Russian testing facility remarked that the dog looked like Laika.  The photos of Laika from 1957 did look… Read More

Giant Dog Emerges from Russian Asteroid

By Skip Daverman MOSCOW – The creature inside the Russian asteroid has emerged, and it appeared to be a giant dog from outer space.  Despite having been confined to a small rock for so long, the 100-foot space dog was in good spirits. It began to run around the containment area, barking and jumping.  The ground shook with every bounce, and it took all of Ural’s strength to make the space dog sit.  Somehow, it… Read More

Asteroid Starts to Crack

By Skip Daverman MOSCOW – The giant asteroid outside of Moscow, now several thousand feet wide, is starting to crack.  A mysterious yellow light is glowing from the cracks, and an audible groaning sound is coming from the creature inside the rock. Russian officials have set up a perimeter several miles away from the asteroid, and superhero Ural has been on guard all day.  No one is speaking to the press largely because no one… Read More

Lifeform Gestates in Glowing Russian Asteroid

By Skip Daverman MOSCOW – Russian officials have confirmed suspicions:  there is a lifeform inside the giant glowing asteroid. The asteroid has been cordoned off from the public since its arrival outside of Moscow, glowing and growing.  Russian superhero, Ural, and a team of scientists have monitored it since, but as it has continued to grow (now over 1,000 feet in diameter), an image of a lifeform can be seen inside it.  Amateur photos have… Read More

Asteroid Glows and Grows

By Skip Daverman MOSCOW – The asteroid that landed outside of Moscow is still glowing, and now it’s growing. Russian superhero, Ural, and a team of scientists have kept watch of the asteroid since yesterday.  They were measuring a constant heat signature emanating from within the rock when they noticed that it was getting bigger.  The scientists have not been allowed to comment, but Ural said, “It has grown nearly 200 meters overnight.  A remarkable,… Read More

Giant Glowing Asteroid Lands Safely In Russia

By Skip Daverman MOSCOW – A giant asteroid landed safely 30 miles outside of Moscow today thanks to the efforts of Russian superhero, Ural. The asteroid, estimated at least a mile in diameter, was headed towards the heart of Russia today.  Ural flew into space to try and divert the rock but was unable to do so.  He was able to slow the rock’s speed enough to land it safely on the ground with a… Read More