The New Romford Free Press

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Donald Trump’

Project INFINITY Returns Home Early, Surprising Everyone

By Chase Chapley Surprising everyone at ATOM Labs, the Project INFINITY team returned home early after a string of terrible alternate dimensions with the final straw being a world where Donald Trump was elected President of the United States. Project INFINITY was scheduled to return in another three months after exploring 100 alternate dimensions.  The New Romford Free Press has been running pieces from Tarani Kapoor’s journal about their experiences.  But the team returned yesterday… Read More

Trump Physically Emancipates Hair from Head

By Falco Rockbert NEW YORK – In a bizarre turn in a long-running saga of bizarre turns, Donald Trump has physically emancipated the hair creature from the top of his head.  In public, no less. Trump’s hair sued Trump a week ago, surprising practically everyone because it was not known that Trump’s hair was a sentient creature.  It revealed as much to the world, and that’s its name is Jimmy Gold.  It also revealed, via… Read More

Donald Trump’s Hair Sues Donald Trump

By Falco Rockbert NEW YORK – Business magnate Donald Trump is being sued by the unlikeliest of plaintiffs:  his hair. As many had speculated, Donald Trump’s hair was indeed a sentient creature.  It was clearly not a natural hair formation for a human being, and either it was a separate animal atop his head or an unusual mutation.  Trump had always maintained that it was real, but that is not the case anymore. The creature,… Read More

Trump Activates Portal Detector, Nothing Happens

By Falco Rockbert NEW YORK – Donald Trump activated his Trump Portal Detector yesterday, and this time, nothing happened.  No explosion, no power outage, no city-wide headaches.  The only reason anyone knows that the Trump Portal Detector was operating is because of a secret informant within Trump Tower. According to the informant, who wished to remain nameless, Trump was using a power generator separate from the electrical grid.  Having learned his lesson from several weeks ago,… Read More

Trump Blackouts New York, New Jersey

By Falco Rockbert NEW YORK – While avoiding serious charges for his faulty psychic detector stunt, Donald Trump caused a blackout in New York City and New Jersey yesterday while powering up his Trump Portal Detector. Continuing his fruitless pursuit to prove President Obama is an imposter, Trump was building a portal detector in his Trump Tower.  The aim was to determine if Obama was from another dimension and to undermine his eligibility for president. … Read More

Trump’s Attempt to Prove Obama Is Mind-Controlled Causes Citywide Headaches

By Falco Rockbert WASHINGTON, D.C.  – While continuing to build his Trump Portal Detector, business magnate Donald Trump revealed his “big surprise” about President Obama by attempting to prove he was being mind-controlled using a psychic wave detector.  He only succeeded in causing headaches for every living thing within three miles and receiving a visit from the Secret Service. Not satisfied with the surmounting evidence that the president was born in Hawaii, Trump first accused… Read More

Trump Claims Obama Is From a Parallel Universe

By Falco Rockbert NEW YORK – Not content with seeing President Obama be born in person, business magnate Donald Trump now claims the president is from a parallel universe.  And he is spending millions to prove it. “How many parallel universes are there in the multiverse?” said Trump to the New York Times.  “Infinite, right?  How do we know the president wasn’t switched at birth with an evil version of himself?  Did anyone take pictures… Read More