The New Romford Free Press

Your most superheroic news source.

Dr. Amazing’

Dr. Amazing Frees Scientists from Adhesive Via Alternate Dimension

By Muffy Borgeron The three scientists stuck in the adhesive, KR-1078, for the past several months have finally been freed thanks to Dr. Amazing and an alternate dimension. Scientists Carl Michaelson, Denise Detroit, and Margo Doll were caught in an experiment gone wrong several months ago while testing out the new adhesive designated KR-1078.  While being stuck in the adhesive, in awkward, uncomfortable positions, they’ve been cared for by service robots, and they’ve even continued… Read More

’97 Tiger Woods Stuck Here Due to What Present Tiger Did at Augusta National

By Dash Hamley NEW YORK – Apparently, the ’97 Tiger Woods is stuck here in the present because of the message Present Tiger snuck to him at Augusta National. A couple weeks ago, the “Tiger vs. Tiger” match got underway at the famous Augusta National golf course, and the widely advertised event drew in millions of views and billions of dollars.  The match was set up to prevent each Tiger from meeting each other.  As… Read More

’97 Tiger Is Stuck in the Present Now

By Dash Hamley NEW YORK – It looks like the ’97 Tiger Woods, who was brought to the present through a time machine and dubious reasons, will be sticking around the present for a while. After the disastrous end to the “Tiger vs. Tiger” match, the PGA, under supervision of Dr. Amazing and 24 federal agents, was set to send ’97 Tiger back to his time.  Dr. Amazing had brought his time portal to the… Read More

‘Tiger v. Tiger’ Match Set to Make Billions, Possibly Destroy Fabric of Spacetime

By Dash Hamley NEW YORK – Despite grave concerns over causing tears in the fabric of spacetime, the match between the Tiger Woods of the present and the year 1997 is still happening, and everyone is set to make billions off of it. The PGA is reportedly making anywhere from $180-250 million from the “Tiger v. Tiger” match set to take place at Augusta National soon (date to be determined).  Nike, Gatorade, Coca-Cola, and McDonald’s… Read More

Local News Roundup: A Kraken, the Cookie Monstrosity, and A Looping Subway Train

By Chase Chapley Offshore – The 12-foot tidal wave that crashed onto our shore, and throughout much of the eastern seaboard, was caused by Speedster creating “water tornadoes” out at sea.  The speed-themed superhero said she had to “take care of a kraken” that was attacking a freighter, though the captain of said freighter could not describe what the creature was when asked.  The captain’s eyes glowed purple when she asked about the incident, and… Read More

Past-Present Tiger Woods Golf Match Set Despite Warnings from Scientists

By Dash Hamley NEW YORK – Despite warnings from scientists that a time anomaly might occur, the PGA has set a one-on-one golf match between the two Tiger Woods. The match is set for one week from today at Augusta National Golf Course, home of the Masters Tournament, the most prestigious major tournament in golf and site of Woods’s first major win in 1997.  Tickets have already been sold out to the match, and ABC… Read More

LA Gridlock: Cat People vs. Dog People, The Breach, and Where Are the Superheroes?

By Buffy Bolivar LOS ANGELES – While Governor Jerry Brown has called a state of emergency for southern California, the residents of the new Greater Los Angeles Nations have dug in their heels for the long haul. The nations simply called Cat People and Dog People are predictably at war with each other.  Both nations reside in the quadrangle between the 710 & 605 and the 91 & 405, comprising a large portion of the… Read More