The New Romford Free Press

Your most superheroic news source.

Dr. Amazing’

Man Sucked into Snuggle Portal Safe, Portal Belongs to Jumper

By Muffy Borgeron Arleen resident, Terry Upton, was found safe today after he was sucked into a pocket dimension from a Snuggie he bought two days ago. ATOM Lab scientists examined the Snuggie portal in their facility with the aid of Dr. Amazing.  Upton was sucked into the portal the instant he put it on, so the scientists kept a safe distance from it, using robotic arms to handle the garment.  They detected the same… Read More

Dr. Amazing Assures Mulitverse Isn’t Collapsing

By Packie Williams Despite wild speculation from fringe news sources, Dr. Amazing assured the public that the multiverse is not collapsing in on itself. “I know some of my colleagues have been putting out dire warnings here and there,” said Dr. Amazing, “but they’re drawing too steep a conclusion from a small sample size.  Yes, some alternate universes have disappeared, but this is a natural occurrence.  They either escape detection, or they get merged with… Read More

Ask Julia: Why Don’t Historians Use Time Machines?

  By Julia Crumpleman Greetings, fellow history buffs!  Today’s question comes from Julia (hey, nice name!) from Frenchtown. So, I keep seeing all these superpeople go back in time for God knows what, and it got me thinking.  Why don’t we use time machines to learn about history?  I’m sure historians and archaeologists would like to know what happened in the past. Julia, that is a fantastic question!  It’s one I’ve often wondered about from… Read More

First Future Farm Produce Rolls Out

By Packie Williams The first produce from Dr. Amazing’s Future Farm has begun to roll out to supermarkets in the New Romford area.  Corn, wheat, potatoes, and other vegetables are the first crops to emerge from the high tech, skyscraper farm. “It’s really amazing to see all of our hard work come to fruition,” said Dr. Amazing.  The Future Farm employs electronics and robots to tend to the daily maintenance and a minimal human staff… Read More

Another Company Wants to Fast-Age Your Kids Using Alternate Dimension

By Julia Crumpelman The fast-aging game just got some extra competition.  Recently, FutureKin unveiled their business model of sending children to various future timelines to fast-age them into young adults.  Now, Tomorrow World unveiled their model. They want to send children into a time-altered dimension. “The problem with future timelines,” said founder Darryl Montgomery, “is that they can blip out of existence just like that.  Someone steps on the wrong bug today, and poof, one… Read More

FutureKin Wants to Send Your Child to the Future to Age Them Faster

By Julia Crumpelman Do you know Karen Skyrunner, the British superhero who saved Europe from a Celtic zombie army last year?  Do you know Ferris, the metallic Chicago-based superhero who stopped the Great Lakes from being turned to green sludge from a swamp monster?  How about Joey Radstone, the former Quinton School student who wanders the globe searching for the most “rad stones”?  They all have one thing in common. They were all born within… Read More

New Romford Up to 60% Capacity

By Buffy Bolivar City officials have released figures estimating that New Romford is now running up to 60% capacity following the Dino-Day Disaster several weeks ago. All sewer lines have been repaired, and water and power have been returned to nearly the entire city.  Some of the older parts of Downtown, Bexton, and Dukes are still without full services.  Water and power are expected to be returned to everyone by the end of the week.… Read More