The New Romford Free Press

Your most superheroic news source.

portal’

Giant Feet and Tails Retreat and Are Now Gone For Some Reason

By Buffy Bolivar SYDNEY, Australia – It took the giant gray feet and tails a month to descend nearly 500 feet from their portals in the sky, and in an abrupt turn of events, they retreated and disappeared in three minutes. “We’ve been monitoring them closely,” said Professor Stratosphere, “and they’ve been descending at a constant rate of about a centimeter per day.  Then, for some reason, they just stopped and ascended very quickly.  And… Read More

Giant Tails Possibly Emerge with Giant Australian Feet

  By Buffy Bolivar SYDNEY, Australia – The giant feet descending over the Australian Outback have brought other body parts along with them. Today, large gray cones appeared 30 miles behind each pair of feet.  The most likely explanation is that the cones belong to the giant feet, and that they are tails.  This does not bode well, as much as slowly descending gray giants can bode well for anything. “See?” said Professor Stratosphere, who’s… Read More

World News: A Kraken, A Portal, The Bermuda Triangle, and Giant Potatoes

By Falco Rockbert MUMBAI, India – Indian superhero, the Purple Monsoon, stopped Paul Plunder from smuggling billions of dollars worth of ancient artifacts out of the Mumbai docks yesterday night.  Plunder, a British supervillain known for smuggling indigenous treasures, had a cargo ship full of stolen Indian items when the Purple Monsoon swept into the docks with her army of sharks, jellyfish, and whales barricading the ship’s exit.  She used her water powers to flood… Read More

Giant Australian Feet Reveal Giant Australian Calves

By Buffy Bolivar SYDNEY, Australia – The two pair of giant gray feet hovering over the Australian Outback have been slowly descending from their portals for the past week, and so far, they’ve only descended enough to show their calves. Information about where the feet came from or, more importantly, why they appeared above Australia is hard to come by.  Energy signatures from the portals share a common signature from the Carsi Nebula from the… Read More

Giant Feet Descend Over Australia

By Buffy Bolivar SYDNEY, Australia – In one of the more bizarre events in a world full of bizarre events, two pairs of giant feet have begun to descend from the sky over the Australian Outback. The giant feet are human-looking but gray in color.  Estimates put them in the range of 5-10 miles in length and 10-20 miles above the ground, but officials have set up a perimeter around the feet, so more accurate… Read More

World News Roundup 10.6.15

By Falco Rockbert ANTARCTICA – A research team exploring the frigid wastelands of the South Pole discovered a town of Yetis, who have apparently been living there for several centuries.  The town, known as Yetisi, is home to at least 4,000 Yetis according to the researchers rough estimates.  The exact age of the town is not known, but according to the Yetis, their ancestors left the Himalayas over a religious dispute and headed south.  Subsisting… Read More

Area Man Gets Lost in Portal Hidden in Snuggie

By Muffy Borgeron A man from Arleen fell into a mystic portal to another world when he put on his new Snuggie last night. Terry Upton, 47, a contractor from Arleen, bought a new navy blue Snuggie at a Walgreen’s while coming home from work in New Romford yesterday evening.  Security footage from the Walgreen’s shows the Snuggie being placed on the rack three days ago along with four others without any apparent mishandling to… Read More