The New Romford Free Press

Author: Greg

  • Area Man Gets Lost in Portal Hidden in Snuggie

    Area Man Gets Lost in Portal Hidden in Snuggie

    By Muffy Borgeron

    A man from Arleen fell into a mystic portal to another world when he put on his new Snuggie last night.

    Terry Upton, 47, a contractor from Arleen, bought a new navy blue Snuggie at a Walgreen’s while coming home from work in New Romford yesterday evening.  Security footage from the Walgreen’s shows the Snuggie being placed on the rack three days ago along with four others without any apparent mishandling to the portal Snuggie since then.  Upton purchased it along with a case of beer and two bags of chips.

    Later that night, at home, he put on the new Snuggie and was sucked into it, according to Upton’s boyfriend, Jon Cheong.

    “We had just finished eating dinner and cleaning up,” said Cheong, “and he bought a new Snuggie.  His last one got torn up by our dogs, and we didn’t think anything of it, the new one, you know?  I was in the kitchen when he put it on, and I heard a weird noise and then Terry was screaming.  I ran in, and he was being sucked into the Snuggie like it was a black hole, and he was gone.  Where did he go?”

    Cheong was understandably shaken up by the experience, and investigators have secured the Snuggie in a metal container.  They found trace ion particles in the home, confirming that a portal had opened up from the Snuggie.   Investigators have  seized all the Snuggies from the Walgreen’s that sold it and are tracking down every Snuggie that was came from that batch.  The manufacturer of Snuggies has also been contacted by investigators, and they are cooperating.

    ATOM Labs is working with the investigation, but for now, people will have to be fearful of their Snuggies sucking them up into a portal to who knows where.

  • Montezuma Attacks Mexico City After Learning What ‘Montezuma’s Revenge’ Means

    Montezuma Attacks Mexico City After Learning What ‘Montezuma’s Revenge’ Means

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    By Skip Daverman

    MEXICO CITY, Mexico – The recently resurrected Aztec ruler, Montezuma, randomly attacked many skyscrapers in downtown Mexico City today after apparently learning what “Montezuma’s Revenge” means today.

    Riding Quetzalcoatl, Montezuma whipped the giant feathered serpent’s tail around a dozen skyscrapers, smashing windows and injuring hundreds.  This time, he gave no speeches.  He just lashed out at random buildings for a half hour as the local police tried to take him down.

    Mexican superhero, El Toro, flew into the battle and was having little effect on Quetzalcoatl.  The serpent slashed off one of the wings of El Toro’s plane, causing him to make an emergency landing on top of a nearby building.  He survived and used his grappling hooks to get to a rooftop.

    By then, Montezuma was standing on top of skyscraper, waiting for El Toro.  According to the superhero, Montezuma said, “You want my revenge?  Here it is.”  Then he dropped his loincloth and defecated onto the rooftop.  Montezuma made an offensive gesture to El Toro, presumably another thing he’s learned recently, climbed back on top of Quetzalcoatl, and teleported away.

    All in all, no one was seriously injured in the attack, and Montezuma didn’t take anyone hostage or make any demands.  El Toro reportedly took a sample of Montezuma’s feces for analysis in hopes of being able to track him.

    He left the rest of the feces for the police to clean up.

  • Giants Introduce Actual Dragon Burger to Menu

    Giants Introduce Actual Dragon Burger to Menu

    By Dash Hamley

    SAN FRANCISCO – Ballpark menus have expanded so much over the last ten years, from glazed doughnut hamburgers to bacon-wrapped sausages to Cleveland’s Fairy Wings (which weren’t actually made from fairies despite the rumors after the Great Fairy Infestation of 2008), but the Giants have stepped it up several notches.

    Remember when the dragon from Earth-1,233 attacked the Bay Area and was killed by a giant fire extinguisher five years ago?  It’s been in cold storage since as scientists have studied it.  Apparently, they’re done studying it and have sold several tons of its meat to AT&T Park for ball games.

    “Dragon meat has such a unique flavor,” said Bertolli’s head chef, Jim Bertolli.  “It has a wonderful umami component to it with just a hint of sweetness.  It’s unlike anything this world has ever tasted, and despite what you might think, it doesn’t have any heat to it.”

    The Giants, and a few restaurants, have acquired several tons of the dragon meat, which was rigorously tested by health officials to make sure it wasn’t toxic.  The meat can be cooked and served like beef, and a Dragon Burger will set you back $20.  But Bertolli thinks that the opportunity to eat a dragon makes that a bargain.

    “How often do you get to eat an actual dragon?” he said.  “You have to go back in time or go to another dimension or what have you, and who has that kind of cash?  Then you get there, and you have to kill the thing first, so yeah, $20 is a bargain if I do say so myself.”

    The bigger question is how the dragon was sold to restaurants to be sold as food.  Scientists can study an animal’s carcass for decades depending on storage and condition of the carcass, and a rare specimen such as an Earth-1,233 dragon would keep a research institute busy for a very long time.  How did the dragon end up in the freezers of AT&T Park?

    “Their lease for the giant freezer ran out,” said San Francisco Chronicle reporter, June Farrah.  “The scientists were keeping it in an arena-sized freezer for the past five years, but they didn’t own it.  They were paying millions of dollars just to store the thing, and they just couldn’t afford it anymore.  So, they sliced it up.  Granted, they kept all the important bits along with some of the muscle tissue for themselves, but the damn thing was just too big to store.”

    Bertolli’s will introduce three different types of Dragon Burgers next year:  The Original Dragon Burger, The Fiery Chipotle Dragon Burger, and The Bacon Ranch Dragon Burger.  They will all come with fries and, in place of a toothpick, with a tiny plastic knight standing triumphantly on top of the bun.

  • Feeling Pressure by Hardee’s and Pizza Hut, Dairy Queen Introduces Hot Dog Blizzard

     

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    By Julia Crumpleman

    MINNEAPOLIS – First, Hardee’s introduced a hamburger with a hot dog on it.  Then, Pizza Hut debuted a pizza with hot dogs in the crust.  Now, apparently feeling the pressure to compete, Dairy Queen has introduced a hot dog Blizzard.

    “We realize this sounds odd,” said Dairy Queen VP of Marketing, Barry Westrum, “but hot dogs are the hot item today, no pun intended.  They’re the food of the summer, and for a limited time, we’re offering the Hot Dog Blizzard at participating locations next week.”

    The Hot Dog Blizzard is just what it sounds like.  A cooked hot dog is diced and mixed into a cup of soft serve ice cream along with ketchup, mustard, and relish.  This unique offering already has people talking.

    “Sorry, I almost threw up there just thinking about it,” said Alton Brown, host of Cutthroat Kitchen on the Food Network.  “I don’t even know how to react outside of utter confusion and disgust.  Why?  Why would someone do this?  I know we live in an era of experimentation and fusion, but my god, this is what you come up with?”

    “Boy,” said Andrew Zimmern, host of Bizarre Foods on the Travel Channel, “I’ve eaten some truly wretched food around the world, most of which were actually pretty tasty.  But there’s no amount of money you can pay me to eat a Hot Dog Blizzard.”

    As with any chain restaurant, new items are offered at participating locations, and thus far, only six locations nationwide are participating.  Dan Snyder, owner of a Dairy Queen in Springfield, IL, was the only owner to comment about his store’s offering.

    “I figure we can make it work,” he said.  “We’re going to do a promotion where if you eat a large Hot Dog Blizzard in the store, we’ll give you a coupon for a free Blizzard and put your picture on the wall.  We’ll start a Hall of Fame.  [We’ll] make it an event.  I’m sure people will step up to the challenge.”

    Interestingly, film director Werner Herzog tweeted this in response to the news.  “This mush of pig and cow milk is the terror man has wrought on Earth.  We deserve this as we are already dead inside.”

  • New Bill Aims to Destroy Supervillain Bases Before They Set Up Shop

    New Bill Aims to Destroy Supervillain Bases Before They Set Up Shop

    By Packie Williams

    A new bill proposed by the New Romford City Council would require buildings to be demolished within 30 days of being abandoned.  The aim of the bill is to get rid of abandoned buildings before they’re used by supervillains for their bases of operation.

    “It just makes sense,” Councilman Randall Ayo.  “Supervillains and gangsters are always using abandoned buildings as their hideouts, so why are we letting them just sit there?  Someone’s just going to come in, set up shop, and terrorize our city.”

    Currently, New Romford is home to 580 abandoned facilities.  These are office buildings, factories, apartment complexes, warehouses, two amusement parks, and eight collapsed subway stations.  It’s estimated that at least 60 supervillains, reformed or not, are living in the city along with five gangs.

    “They have to be living somewhere,” said Ayo, “and we just don’t have the capacity to patrol all of those places while keeping watch on everywhere else.  Demolition will clean things up quickly.”

    But not everyone thinks this is such a bright idea.  City Planner, Janice Coleman, thinks the abandoned buildings can be refurbished, and the focus needs to be on generating new business in the existing facilities.  “You can’t just go around knocking down every building that doesn’t have an occupant in it,” she said.  “Some of these places have been around for a century or more, and they have wonderful architecture to them that just need some renovation.  And if you do destroy them, then what?  You just have an empty lot.  You’re going to abandon the neighborhood with the building.”

    Property management companies are also against this bill for obvious reasons.  “You’d be literally destroying our business,” said Jonathan McDoyle of Winston River Properties.  “Do you know what our average turnaround times for properties are?  Fifteen months.  Property in New Romford is expensive.  It takes time for us to sell these places.  Demolishing buildings after a month means demolishing our business, too.”

    Councilman Ayo is not deterred.  He acknowledges the criticism but takes a hard anti-supervillain stance.  “We’ll provide tax breaks for new buildings and businesses that take up a lot that was demolished after one month,” he said.  “We’ll make it easier to build new properties, but leaving these places essentially open for supervillains hurts our economy more.  They’re more likely to get destroyed by these supervillains anyway, and they’re more likely to hurt the homes and businesses that surround it.  We need to stop enabling supervillains.”

    “Also, those abandoned amusement parks are super creepy.  How are they still standing?”

  • Ask Julia: Why Doesn’t Earth Have Universal Translators?

    Ask Julia: Why Doesn’t Earth Have Universal Translators?

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    By Julia Crumpleman

    Greetings once again, fellow New Romforders!  Today’s question comes from Omoye in Cloonyn.

    Hi, whenever aliens come to Earth, they’re always wearing universal translators.  They’re able to speak to us in our language, and the humans with them wear those things, too.  They seem really useful for aliens, but why don’t we have those on Earth?  They’d be a lot of help!

    Omoye, you’re onto something here!  Just speaking for myself, I’d love to have a universal translator so I could travel more without the fear of being misunderstood.  Also, I wouldn’t have to try and learn a new language.  But to your question, I had to ask an alien communications expert.  Luckily, we have a few here in town.

    “It’s largely a matter of politics,” said Randy Newman (not the singer-songwriter), who works at city hall as the city’s alien liaison.  “Most Earth governments are wary of using alien technology, especially after the Jrats attacked in 1983.  They presented themselves as allies and look what happened in Chicago.  Even though some technologies like nanotechnology, smart phones, and Crocs have certainly benefited human lives, it comes down in trickles.  It has to go through so much red tape before it can even really be used by research labs and companies.”

    “And that’s not even talking about the brain wave manipulation.  That really freaks people out.”

    Universal translators, at least the ones humans have come across, have to manipulate the user’s brain waves in order to translate a foreign language into one the user knows.  “This is no small feat, mind you,” said Eva Broadstone, a language expert at ATOM Labs.  “Your ears catch sound waves and transmit them to your brain, and your brain, in essence, translates those sounds into meaningful speech.  Universal translators intercept your brain waves as they start to interpret speech and alter them, turning them into your native language, which is another process in itself.  It’s a complicated process.”

    The latest NRU poll from last year showed that 65% of humans are distrustful of aliens and their technology, and a whopping 84% didn’t want their brain waves altered by aliens either.  While universal translators can’t mind control someone, for instance, gaining the trust of the general public is the biggest hurdle to bringing these amazing devices to Earth.

    Sorry, Omoye!

  • Nate Silver Predicts 58% Chance for Second Date with Matthew

    Nate Silver Predicts 58% Chance for Second Date with Matthew

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    By Julia Crumpleman

    NEW YORK – Fivethirtyeight founder and statistician, Nate Silver, reported to friends today that his algorithms predicts a 58% chance for a second date with Matthew, with whom he went out on a date yesterday.

    According to friends and fellow Fivethirtyeight editors, Silver met Matthew, a legal assistant in Manhattan, at a charity event last week and “really hit it off.”  They exchanged numbers and went out to a small Spanish restaurant in Tribeca.  Apparently, things went well but could’ve been better.

    “Meeting new people is always hard,” said close friend, Maria Espinoza.  “Especially with all the work Nate does, I know his life is hectic.  And he just gets so much into his own head, you know?  He’s running calculations all the time, predicting the future, studying data.  I think he wanted to make everything perfect, and he just didn’t know how to improvise.”

    The night went off script once Silver’s phone died.  Without his primary calculator handy, he tried doing the calculations in his head, distracting him from the conversation with his date.  The naturally gregarious legal assistant reportedly rolled with Silver’s nerves, spouting numbers to derail his calculations.  After dinner, they went for a walk, grabbing frozen yogurt along the way.  Then, a car ran over a puddle of water and soaked them.

    Matthew laughed it off, but Silver reportedly became frustrated, ruining the mood.  Silver apologized and admitted that he’s been under a lot of stress lately.  He predicted a 74% success rate for the date earlier in the day but had not taken the puddles into consideration.  He walked Matthew home and said, despite being drenched in dirty street puddle water, he had a good time.  Matthew smiled, according to Silver’s accounting of the story to his friends, and wished him a good night.

    “First dates are tricky,” said fellow Fivethirtyeight editor, Jonathan Lineman.  “You just have to feel it out, and Nate was just Nate.  Data consumes his brain.  But at least, he’s confident he’s got a second date.  That guy is never wrong in his predictions.”

    Silver’s first date algorithms have an 92% prediction success rate, meaning they predict whether a first date will lead to a second.  According to his predictions, Silver expects a second date with Matthew is 58% likely to occur.

    “The odds are decent,” said Lineman, “but Nate seems confident it’ll happen.  Good for him, I say.”

    Neither Silver nor Matthew commented on the prediction, and Silver is currently waiting two more days before calling Matthew again.