The New Romford Free Press

Author: Greg

Universal Translators Disabled in JNNKO Empire, Havoc Ensues

By Karna Firaliz

ANNNKN – Hackers in the JNNKO Empire of the Andromeda Galaxy disabled billions of universal translators yesterday, wreaking havoc in over 300 star systems.

Like most intergalactic empires, the JNNKO use universal translators to automatically translate the languages of its people and the people they interact with on a daily basis. The JNNKO Empire spans over 200 star systems by themselves but regularly do business with another 100 star systems, kingdoms, and empires. While they don’t have any official languages, the JNNKO is known to speak over 5,000 languages.

Needless to say, universal translators are essential to run their empire. With the translation network disabled, everything turned to chaos.

“Nobody here has learned a second language,” said JN-001, Language Coder and Decrypter for IONN, the leading communications provider for the empire. “We’ve all grown up in an era where machines learn those languages for us, and some people barely know a first language. The translators are so good they can translate guttural noises. Some people just grunt at each other, and the translators make it understandable to anyone.”

The network went down yesterday at noon in the capital city, SUNNK, on ANNNKN. The media and financial centers were first to notice the disruption, and the markets dropped 2.5 billion money points in one JNNKO Time Unit (about 50 Earth minutes). Then the parliament went into disarray when lawmakers began to speak “gibberish” debating a new bill. Schools, businesses, traffic, and interactions with the police descended into a chaotic mess. Thousands of fights broke out over simple miscommunications.

The biggest problem was transportation. The translators also translated signs on highways, and hundreds of mile-long traffic jams were reported everywhere on ANNNKN. Then, there were the airships. Without the translators, airships couldn’t communicate with the air traffic controllers. Some airships were able to find an empty landing strip or platform, but many had to circle airports for hours. Luckily, some of the older controllers spoke multiple languages and could communicate with the pilots to safely land every airship.

And this was just on ANNNKN. The outer planets and spaceways in the JNNKO Empire weren’t quite as lucky as ANNNKN, which has a highly advanced infrastructure and varied populace. The chaos on the other planets was much worse, resulting in thousands of injuries and trillions of monies in damages. After about six JNNKO Time Units, the translation network was back online. It was a costly day in the JNNKO Empire.

“The real question is who did this and why,” said JN-001. “We have many enemies, but most of them would also be negatively affected by this as well. We use the same translators for business and diplomatic relations. A terrorist network could be possible, though if they wanted us to understand their message, this would be counterintuitive. I’m hoping it’s just some dumb kids. PLARG rest their souls.”

JNNKO Prime, the king of the JNNKO Empire, did not release a statement, but officials said they are investigating the hack and will punish the perpetrators to the fullest extent of the law.

June 2, 2015
‘Reboot Man’ Caught Impersonating Muskrat

File photo of Denver in his previous identity, North-Star

By Buffy Borgeron

NEW YORK – Clayman, the superhero more commonly known as “Reboot Man” for the numerous “reboots” he’s experienced, was caught in New York today impersonating fellow superhero Muskrat while stopping a convenience store robbery in Brooklyn.

Denied membership in several superhero teams months ago, Ray Denver, now known as Clayman, has been struggling to make a living as a superhero. He declared he would patrol the Northeast, presumably as himself, to build up his profile. Nowhere did he mention he would impersonate other superheroes.

“Ray sometimes morphs into a known superhero to catch bad guys off guard,” read a statement from Denver’s “team,” though most experts believe Denver wrote it himself. “When he does this, it’s just for strategic purposes. Eventually, his clay powers manifest in battle, and it becomes evident that he is Clayman. That is all.”

But the superhero community isn’t buying it. In the past two weeks, there have been several incidents of the superheroes Titana, Muskrat, Professor Stratosphere, Tara Target, and others in New York and Philadelphia, cities these superheroes don’t typically visit.

“It damages our reputation,” said Tara Target from the Quinton School for Young Superheroes. “People will only see part of the battle, and they’ll see me or the Muskrat, and they’ll think it’s us. It wouldn’t be so bad except that Clayman is such a terrible fighter. He puts innocent bystanders in danger on a regular basis. At the school here, our first lesson is to protect the innocent even at the cost to yourself or capturing the criminal. We drill that into everyone everyday, and Clayman completely disregards that.”

These incidents have sent 13 people to the hospital for various injuries. The New York and Philadelphia police departments have put out warrants for Titana and Muskrat, respectively, for their supposed incidents, but given the recent revelation that Clayman has been impersonating superheroes, those warrants have now shifted to Denver.

The incident that revealed Denver’s tactics happened last night when he attempted to stop a robbery of a Brooklyn convenience store. Surveillance cameras show him morphing into Muskrat and barging into the store. The assailants fired at “Muskrat,” and he absorbed the bullets and spat them back. The bullets hit the assailants knocking them onto the ground but also hit a bystander in the back of the store. Everyone survived, but “Muskrat” ran away from the store before police could arrive.

The real Muskrat could not be reached for comment, but his lawyer has said his client is “very disappointed in his fellow superhero”.

May 29, 2015
‘Henchmen, Inc.’ Hit with Harassment Complaints, Sexism Accusations

by Julia Crumpleman

PAULO, Santa Vanna – Connor Wesley Services, a.k.a. “Henchmen, Inc.”, has resided in the Caribbean island principality of Santa Vanna under murky legal standing for the past 30 years, but now they’re being hit with dozens of harassment complaints and accusations of sexism in their hiring pracitces.

Founded in 1983 with the good graces of then dictator Carlos Diego Montoya, Connor Wesley Services was initially used for money-laundering purposes by the supervillain community. Residing in the small principality of Santa Vanna allowed it to work outside the laws of most countries, and with the plasma cannons surrounding the nation, the international community hasn’t been able to touch them. Over the years, they turned into a temp agency for henchmen, nicknamed “Henchmen, Inc.”, and provided computer, technical, and administrative support to supervillains. Publically, they claimed to offer legitimate services to non-villains, but they’re still regarded with suspicion by most countries.

Now, it seems that they’ve stepped up in becoming legitimate: they’ve been hit with a public relations scandal and have been accused of sexism.

“Women are always stuck in the administrative roles,” said Juliana Margaret, who brought the initial complaint against her former employer. “We never get the prime hench jobs even though we’re trained just the same as men and can beat our fellow male henchpersons in hand-to-hand combat on a regular basis. Supervillains are still stuck in the thinking that men make the best henchpersons. It’s the 21^st century. Come on!”

“I’d love to get a good hench job,” said “Bobbi Bolt,” a current employee using an alias. “But more than anything, I’d just like to not be the sexy bit of eye candy for supervillains. They put me in skin-tight, revealing costumes, make me bend in ridiculous poses for photo shoots and for those videos they send to the good guys. It’s humiliating! I can fly jets, drive tanks, have black belts in ten different fighting styles, and can Tokyo-drift a semi. I’m tired of being sexy eye candy!”

Connor Wesley hasn’t responded publicly to the accusations, but a company spokesperson said they “are looking into it.”

The supervillain community responded in droves for some reason. “They’re called henchMEN for a reason,” said Olaf the Piledriver. “I don’t care how many black belts you have, little girl, but you’re not going to beat your average superhero unless you got brute strength. Men are stronger, that’s just a FACT.”

“I’m as enlightened a man as one can be,” said The Ponderer, “but most women just can’t handle proper villainy. They have too many motherly instincts to be truly ruthless. Sure, there are some good lady villains, but there’s a reason men outnumber the women. It’s biology.”

“All I’m going to say is that I know who my next target is,” said Madame Moriarty. “And I know which henchpersons I’m hiring for the job.”

Juliana Margaret isn’t going to take this lying down. She plans on starting her own henchperson agency. “We need to show the world that women can be just as good henchpersons as men are,” she said. “We’re just as strong and smart as men, and we shouldn’t let Connor Wesley be the sole henchperson agency in the world.” As for funding, Margaret said, “Oh, that won’t be a problem. We’re villains.”

Meanwhile, the world’s women’s organizations were confused on how to respond, seeing as they want to support gender equality but also don’t want to support villainy.

May 26, 2015
‘Goo-Man’ Helps Keep Venice from Sinking

by Stan Hopewell

VENICE, Italy – Ronaldo Vescio, a.k.a. “Goo-Man” for obvious reasons, helped the city of Venice keep afloat by excreting over 15 tons of his personal “goo” into the city’s foundation.

Ten years ago, Vescio was drowned in toxic chemicals while trying to graffiti the inside of an active chemical factory in Berlin. He fell into the chemicals and was presumed dead for several weeks. Then, as the factory sifted through the chemicals, Vescio reconstituted himself into a liquid-like form that eventually turned sticky. For the next six years, he called himself “Goo-Man” and vandalized cities all over Western Europe. (Pisa is still trying to get the “goo” off of their Leaning Tower five years later.)

Now Vescio seems to be rehabilitated and is offering to “goo up,” in his words, anything that needs it. He touts his “goo” as being water-resistant, heat-resistant up to 280˚ C, and nuclear waste-resistant. And he’s charging a small fee for it, too.

“My goo is very easy to make,” he said on his website, Goo-Man.com. “It’s non-toxic and completely organic. It will patch up any leak, any crack quick and fast! One liter for only 1 Euro!”

The city of Venice heard about this, and after trying for centuries to keep their city from sinking into the Adriatic Sea, they gave Vescio a chance. So far, the “goo” is holding. Half of the city’s foundations have been “gooed up,” and after a month, they have held up.

“This young, disgusting, Goo-Man,” said Mayor Giorgio Orsoni, “has done what he promised, and our engineers have been studying this disgusting goo for stability. It is holding up very well, much better than expected. We still don’t have any idea how this goo works, but if it keeps the city above water, then this Goo-Man has our thanks.”

It should be noted that when Orsoni shook Vescio’s hand he was stuck to “Goo-Man” for seventeen hours. It wasn’t a pleasant experience for the mayor, according to sources.

Vescio is expected to be finished “gooing everything up” in the next month. If successful, he plans on spreading his “goo business” all across Europe, without shaking hands next time.

May 22, 2015
Atlantis, Pacifica Brawl Over Food, Customs

Original Map by Free Vector Maps

By Skip Daverman

PANAMA CANAL – A meeting between delegates from Atlantis and Pacifica ended on a sour note today, as the two sides brawled over differing tastes in food and customs.

Atlanteans and Pacificans each have their own regional foods and customs that have often been compared to the differences between New Yorkers and Los Angelinos, respectively. A natural rivalry has developed over the centuries, and sometimes that rivalry has turned into animosity. The hard, turbulent waters of the Atlantic has hardened its inhabitants, and the easy-going currents of the Pacific has engendered a more liberal and introspective populace.

Now, those cultural differences have turned violent, and over a plate of Narwhal sliders.

Some Pacificans saw the Narwhal sliders on the buffet table surrounded by Narwhal horns standing upwards on the table for decoration. The Atlanteans had provided the food for the meeting, but their “treat” wasn’t appreciated. The Narwhal is a threatened species, and the Pacificans objected.

Atlanteans tried to explain how Narwhal sliders are a delicacy that King Morn A’Ganor gives to all of his guests, but the Pacificans didn’t accept this explanation, reiterating the threatened status of Narwhals. Sources at the meeting have differing accounts of exactly what happened next, but it is agreed that after an argument, one Atlantean made an offensive gesture to the Pacificans. Then the brawl began.

Atlanteans and Pacificans fought in a massive food fight, punching and tackling each other. Tables were broken, chairs were thrown, and a few tridents were brandished. Somehow, no one was killed.

King A’Ganor and Viceroy Parr’Elle Montae were not present for the beginning of the brawl, but once they showed up, they ended the brawl with one word, “Enough.” They each chastised their respective delegations and called off the meetings for the day. One human journalist compared it to “parents sending their kids to their rooms.”

King A’Ganor and Viceroy Montae spoke to each other privately for a few minutes and retired for the day. Tomorrow’s meetings were cancelled, and King A’Ganor promised to reimburse the facility for any damages.

May 19, 2015
NBA Considering Expansion Team in New Mexico; Seattle Furious

By Dash Hamley

NEW YORK – According to sources, the NBA is considering a proposal to add an expansion team in Albuquerque, New Mexico, in order to be the only major sports league to have a team in every Four Corner state. Seattle is furious.

Currently, the NBA has a team in Phoenix (the Suns), Salt Lake City (the Jazz), and Denver (the Nuggets). Neither the city of Albuquerque nor the state of New Mexico has ever been home to a major sports team, while Seattle recently lost their NBA team (the Supersonics) to Oklahoma City in 2008. Seattle has been trying to get a team back ever since.

“This is an outrage,” said morning sports radio host, Mike Mallet, of Hamlet and the Mallet. “New Mexico? The NBA is seriously considering New Mexico over Seattle? What’s in Albuquerque except Walter White? That’s all that city is famous for. They might as well call it the New Mexico Methheads.”

Similar outrage rolled throughout the Pacific Northwest. The Seattle Times called this proposal “a travesty”, the Tacoma Rocket said this “was a smack in the face,” and somehow, the Space Needle made an obscene gesture with a light display. (No one is quite sure how this happened, but Space Needle officials are looking into it.)

Usually, when a sports league expands, it adds two teams to its roster to even out the schedule. The current proposal on Commissioner Adam Silver’s desk only lists the one expansion team with no mention of a second. The natural landing spot for a second expansion team would be Seattle, but the NBA has a penchant for teams settling in unusual spots.

“The NBA has a team in Utah and Oklahoma,” said Walt Kipling, sports writer at the Tacoma Rocket, “but no team in St. Louis, Kansas City, Pittsburgh, or Baltimore, all of which have NFL and MLB teams. They even have a team in Portland, Orlando, and Sacramento, I think, and these are markets the NFL and MLB aren’t in, so the NBA just goes wherever it wants.”

“Maybe they could call the New Mexico team ‘The Sonics’ just to tick Seattle off,” he added. “The NBA really likes to do that.”

May 15, 2015
Earth Ranked “Most Destructive Planet” in Milky Way

By Karna Firaliz

ZATION V NEBULA – The Milky Way Report, issued about once every 2 Earth years by the Zation V Council, once again ranked Earth as the “Most Destructive Planet” in the galaxy. This is the sixth time Earth has been ranked as such.

The Zation V Council surveys all known planets in the Milky Way and neighboring galaxies on categories such as wealth, education, health, technological advancement, species unification, galactic reach, and destructiveness to itself and the galaxy as a whole. While Earth ranked in the top 50 for wealth and galactic reach, it did not even crack the top 1,000 for the other categories. But destructiveness was the one category it led in, and it’s easy to see why.

“Earth, for some reason, lies at the nexus point for so many galactic conflicts,” read the report. “They contain thousands of superpowered beings, many of which have abilities that literally tear at the fabric of spacetime, and some of whom are determined to do just that. Earth is also home to no less than 12 galactic doomsday objects. As such, they are also involved in many conflicts with beings from other planets for control of said doomsday objects or for revenge on any of their so-called ‘superheroes’.”

The report pointed out that, while its position in the galaxy secluded it from most inhabited planets in the galaxy, Earth still found ways to inject some of its superhumans into galactic affairs. The Cardessian Space Portal was originally used to connect Cardess to Saturn’s moon, Titan, back in the 1960s, but with the space race between the US and USSR, Earth eventually found the portal and used it for its own purposes. The Peace Force and the Amazings have also engaged in 6 off-planet wars just by themselves, and Professor George Quinton reportedly had an affair with Princess Jinora of the Xim Empire in the 1970s that he chalked up to “space sickness”.

Due to all of this, the title “Most Destructive” is a relative one. The Cardessians, for instance, are more technologically advanced than Earth and have more galactic doomsday objects, but its empire is spread out over 34 planets and moons, along with its doomsday objects.

“Earth is just big enough to contain enough superpowered beings, doomsday objects, and lack of species unification,” read the report, “to warrant the destructiveness title. Many of its nations are on the brink of ruin, and some of them contain those objects. Couple that with the numerous conflicts that have nearly destroyed the galaxy and the universe, it’s a wonder Earth hasn’t blown up already and taken all of existence along with it.”

Earth’s leaders did not respond to the report.

May 12, 2015