The New Romford Free Press

Author: Greg

Report: Female Superheroes Fight Crime Better in ‘Practical’ Costumes

By Falco Rockbert

In a new report published by New Romford University, it was found that female superheroes who fight in “practical” costumes tend to fight crime better than those female superheroes who fight in more “traditional” costumes.

Looking over the past 20 years, the research division at NRU analyzed multiple data points with regard to female superheroes. They analyzed number of arrests, arrest rates, bystander injuries, property damage, injuries to superheroes, and average battle times for female superheroes depending on what costumes they wore. Controlling for factors like raw power, their research found that “practical” costumes played a role in how superheroes fought crime.

“Normally, we don’t think about superhero costumes,” said lead research Rachel McDonnough. “It’s just something they wear, and sure, it’s tight fitting and a little revealing, so how much can that really affect crime fighting ability? Turns out, quite a bit.”

“For female superheroes,” she continued, “’practical’ costumes, defined as appropriate clothing for the person’s power set and fighting ability without unnecessary embellishments, not including aesthetic elements, shortened battle times by two minutes, lessened property damage and bystander injuries, and increased their arrest rates by 5%. In short, practical costumes are better for fighting crime.”

Examples of “practical” costumes include Titana’s costume, which has supportive straps for her bust, and Speedster’s tracksuit. Both were cited as examples of designs that were appropriate for each hero’s power sets and fighting abilities. An example of a “traditional” costume, ironically, is Hellena, an alternate timeline version of Titana. Her costume doesn’t provide support for her bust, so her breasts tend to flop out of her clothing. Several superheroes had similar design flaws in their costumes including Extra Woman and her “boob triangle”.

One hero who saw an increase in her crime fighting ability due to a costume change was Major Magnificent. She changed her costume from what was essentially a bathing suit and stockings to pants and a form-fitting, long-sleeved top three years ago. Her arrest rate went up 12% and average battle time went down 2 and a half minutes.

The reason for the increase seems to be confidence. “These women,” said McDonnough, “used to dress skimpy and, sometimes, seductively as a rule. For some of them, that actually made sense. Farrah Fox is a superspy, so her sexuality comes into play, but that’s not the case for most female superheroes. We found that when women dress for themselves, and not men, they have more confidence and thus fight better.”

“Plus, they tend to have fewer wedgies and wardrobe malfunctions, so that helps, too.”

March 17, 2015
Project INFINITY Explorers Begin Voyage into Alternate Dimensions

From left to right: Maria Gutierrez, Samantha McDonald, John Hou, Tarani Kapoor, Karen Humboldt, Kathleen Herrera, Mike Laramie, Jennifer Laramie

by Chase Chapley

Project INFINITY, the ATOM Labs exploration into Earths of alternate dimensions, has finally commenced after over 30 years of planning. INFINITY plans to explore 100 alternate Earths, recording their similarities and differences to ours, and send records of their exploits back to ATOM Labs. They “jumped” to their first alternate Earth this morning from ATOM Labs to much fanfare from family, friends, and colleagues.

The expedition is led by Tarani Kapoor, an expert in alternate dimensional travel and particle physics. She will be monitoring the “jumper”, the hand-held device that opens portals to each dimension, and will make the final decisions on when they will “jump” dimensions. Her second-in-command, Leon Verrick, an expert in cosmology, will also monitor a “jumper” of his own in case Kapoor is unable to use hers for any reason.

The team will be filled out with ATOM Labs scientists of varying disciplines. Samantha McDonald is the team’s biologist and geneticist, who will be recording the plant and animal species they come in contact to as well as studying DNA samples of said species. John Hou is the geologist, Karen Humboldt is the team doctor and physiologist, and Maria Gutierrez is the expert in superhuman and extraterrestrial morphology. Kathleen Herrera will join as the team’s anthropologist and linguist. The entire team will be accompanied by Michael and Jennifer Laramie, twin brother and sister, who will be their bodyguards. They are low-level superhumans with increased stamina, strength, speed, agility, and immune systems.

Each member of Project INFINITY has been trained for years in use of the “jumper” and in hand-to-hand combat. “We have to be prepared for anything,” said Captain Kapoor. “Each new Earth could be vastly different than ours, and we won’t know how different until we get there.”

They will wear special suits, much like spacesuits, for each jump until they’re certain they can survive the new world’s atmosphere. The “jumper” is designed to detect Earths within the “survivable zone” determined by ATOM Labs. Oxygen levels, temperature, humidity, acidity, cosmic rays, fire, all will be detected of each new dimension before a jump, but the predictions may not always be reliable. “We tested this out on ten Earths,” said Kapoor, ” and the predictions were 80% reliable, which is pretty good. But those two that were off sent us into a world made of fire and another where the atmosphere was the same as ours except the nitrogen [which comprises 70% of our atmosphere] was replaced with hydrogen. As you might imagine, it was a very explosive Earth.”

The expedition is expected to last one to two years. The team has been given a flexible schedule because no one knows what kind of Earths they will experience. “Some are likely to be hostile,” said Kapoor. “But everyone understands this. It comes with the territory, so to speak.”

Captain Kapoor will be in charge of sending the official reports back to our Earth, dubbed Earth-1, but each member, including the bodyguards, will be keeping a journal of their experiences. The NRFP will publish some of these reports, and all will be collected into several books once the project has finished.

March 13, 2015
Some Neighborhoods Abandoned

By Buffy Bolivar

It’s been several weeks since the Dino-Day Disaster, and most of New Romford has returned to functionality. Power, water, and communications have returned, major thoroughfares have been cleared, and business has been normal for most residents. There are still many side streets and buildings that need repair, but nothing that any New Romforder hasn’t experienced before.

Even so, there are neighborhoods that are abandoned. East Town, Jordan, and Virgin Heights were all hit hard by the DDD, and many buildings were completely demolished. Johnson Lane in East Town is a ghost town. “I used to live a block from that street,” said Dominique Jones, who is now living at a friend’s house in Norwoods. “It was a happening place to go, you know. All these great little shops and restaurants, all these places that only us locals knew, and now they’re just gone.”

Then there’s the corner of Milton and Melville in Jordan, another popular commercial district that, prior to the DDD, was in the midst of an economic upturn. McDowell Enterprises had built a new 30-story office building there five years ago, and now it sits empty with a giant hole down its middle. That’s not even counting all the homes that were destroyed nearby. The Bellevue Apartments a few blocks away were a newly renovated, upscale apartment complex, and now, with its north wall stripped off, it’s home to squatters.

“It’s just a shame,” said local resident, Rashida Moen. “A lot of these neighborhoods were some of the oldest in the city. They’re architecture was just so unique. You can’t replace them. You just can’t.”

Some 40,000 residents have been displaced in these neighborhoods, and 800 businesses are closed either temporarily or for good. No other neighborhood in New Romford has been hit as hard, and it may take years to repair. “The infrastructure was really bad in these parts,” said Richard Martindale, New Romford City Planner from 1996 to 2005. “The roads, sewers, pipelines, and just the buildings themselves have been beat up so much over the past 50 years from aliens and supervillains, and now dinosaurs, that they really need to be stripped down and rebuilt. That’s going to take a lot of money.”

Mayor Lawrence has vowed to repair every street and building that sustained injuries in the wake of the DDD, but the price tag for such a feat may prove to be too high. The estimated property damage for the entire city is $60.8 billion. Downtown, which suffered the most damage, is getting top priority on the repairs, and since the Building Replacement Parts Act of 1978, every building is built with interchangeable parts. Roughly 75% of the buildings in downtown have been fully restored within weeks, but neighborhoods like East Town are at a disadvantage because their buildings were grandfathered into the act and weren’t required to use interchangeable parts.

“Older neighborhoods like that are going to lag behind,” said Martindale. “It’s a shame because East Town and Jordan really had some charming architecture. I just hope they don’t become a haven for supervillains.”

March 10, 2015
Henchmen Abandon Golden Age Supervillain in Battle for Being Racist, Sexist

By Stan Hopewell

NEW YORK – The Golden Age supervillain, the Sinister Sneaker, terrorized much of Manhattan during the 30s and 40s. After spending 20 years in prison, the Sinister Sneaker, a.k.a. Jules Fanning, retired from villainy to run a successful shoe chain in the 70s and 80s. Apparently, the villainy hadn’t retired as he returned today with new henchmen intent on attacking Times Square.

The henchmen abandoned him ten minutes into the fight after he made several racist and sexist remarks.

“I guess I don’t know what to expect when we were out in public,” said Jason McCoy, one of the henchmen who willingly turned himself into police. “The guy’s a legend in our world, so we were all just happy to work with him. But the dude’s super old, and I didn’t even realize until it was too late that every henchmen was a white guy. That probably should’ve tipped me off.”

Speedster

The Sinister Sneaker, riding a hover chair and hooked up to an oxygen tank, led his crew into Times Square to destroy property with laser rifles and magnetic gloves. The Sneaker was hooked up to a loud speaker on his chair and started monologging. His exact words weren’t recorded, but several witnesses and henchmen remember him talking about “the excess of the future” and “hard work turned us into real men”. Then, he began to address the crowd.

“Look, I was all onboard for blasting stuff,” said another henchmen, Paul Barton, who also turned himself in to police. “But I was not onboard for any of the stuff he said. First, he made some comment about a black guy with a white woman. They were a couple, I guess, and that made him mad. Then he saw some Latino dudes, and that was just awful. Then he saw some girls using their phones to take pictures of him and started ranting about women not taking him seriously or whatever.”

“I’m not going to repeat what he said, but dude, it was bad,” said Barton. “I was done after that. So was everyone else. This guy may be a legend, but he’s old as [expletive], and I was done.”

Half of the henchmen turned themselves over to the police. This was before Speedster arrived on the scene, and she was able to round up the rest who ran. The Sinister Sneaker continued his rampage by himself for about two minutes before Speedster dismantled his hover chair. He was met with a chorus of boos from the crowd, not for attacking them but for his comments.

“Psh, a supervillain attacks Times Square is boring,” said Speedster. “No one pays attention to that crap, but racist old codgers, yeah, [expletive] that noise.”

March 6, 2015
First Future Farm Produce Rolls Out

By Packie Williams

The first produce from Dr. Amazing’s Future Farm has begun to roll out to supermarkets in the New Romford area. Corn, wheat, potatoes, and other vegetables are the first crops to emerge from the high tech, skyscraper farm.

“It’s really amazing to see all of our hard work come to fruition,” said Dr. Amazing. The Future Farm employs electronics and robots to tend to the daily maintenance and a minimal human staff to keep them in order. “I’ve been working in quantum physics the majority of my life, so sometimes I don’t get to see the real wonders of the natural world. From a tiny seed sprouts so many great things. It really is amazing.”

“And we cut the growth time in half thanks to dinosaur dung!”

The first crop wasn’t expected to be harvested for another three months, and some experts were concerned by the accelerated growth rate. The produce is noticeably larger than their non-skyscraper-produced counterparts. But members from the DFA tested the food and found it was safe to eat.

“I ate a baked potato and an ear of corn from the Future Farm,” said Alistair Cromwell of the DFA, “and it was not only delicious but perfectly safe.”

Dr. Amazing hopes to have more crops out in stores soon along with dairy and meat products.

March 3, 2015
Scientists Accustomed to Living in Adhesive

By Muffy Borgeron

It’s been several weeks since the three ATOM Labs scientists got stuck in their own experimental adhesive, KR-1078, but even with the inconvenience, they’ve grown accustomed to their situation.

“I wouldn’t call it ideal conditions,” said Carl Michaelson, one of the three scientists, “but it’s not so bad once you get used to it. We’re waited on hand and foot by robots all day, and we’re finally getting work done that’s been piling up on our desks for years. So not so bad, all things considered.”

Conditions have improved so much that ATOM Labs has allowed the three scientists, Michaelson, Denise Detroit, and Margo Doll, to speak to the media. There was one caveat though: no pictures were to be taken out of deference for Dr. Detroit, who is “kneeling” in an unflattering position.

“The biggest thing to get used to,” said Detroit, “was not letting the blood rush to my head. But I got this pillow to rest my head on, so that helps a lot. And they gave me this stylus so that I can click things on my iPad with my mouth.”

“And my one advantage over my colleagues is that I don’t have to see the robots clean up my butt when they change my diaper.” Michaelson and Doll wouldn’t comment on wearing diapers, though they didn’t dispute Detroit’s comment.

Despite growing accustomed to their situation, they don’t want to stay this way forever. They’re getting cramps and sore muscles, and the sound of machinery during the night disturbs their sleep. Dr. Amazing and Micro-Man have both been working non-stop to find a way to break through KR-1078. Although neither scientist would give an estimate on a solution, they said one was coming “soon”.

“I’m pretty flexible,” said Doll. “I’ve lived here for two weeks, so I think I can live here another two weeks. But the absolute worst part about this is all the itches I can’t scratch. I can’t scratch my face, my arms, my legs, my back. Nothing. If I can’t get some microbots to crawl to my itches, I’m going to go crazy.”

February 27, 2015
Quinton School Explodes Again, This Time Not by Supervillain

by Buffy Borgeron

CARTERSON — The Quinton School for Young Superheroes exploded yet again this morning, this time by one of its students. No one was seriously injured.

Marking the school’s 36th explosion in its 50-year long history, today’s blast was from a student’s lab experiment that went awry. The student, whose name is being withheld by the school, was testing the limits of Professor Stratosphere’s nanites. These are the same nanites that ran out of control a few months ago. The Professor was supervising the experiment but was not in the room at the time of the explosion.

“It’s my fault, really,” said Professor Stratosphere. “My head globe was starting to crack, and I had to step out to get a new one. I should’ve replaced it before we began the experiment so that I could’ve been there to watch the experiment more closely.”

“That said, we found the point at which these little buggers overload. So that’s a plus.”

The Professor wouldn’t comment any further on the nature of the experiment, but the overloaded nanites created a series of sparks that reacted with some gases nearby, which started a chain reaction. Eventually, the explosion took out a large section of the science building and could be heard all the way to downtown New Romford. Somehow, no one was seriously injured.

“Our students are superheroes in training,” said Professor Stratosphere. “They’re used to things like this. They reacted like superheroes should.”

The Professor was also quick to point out that this wasn’t a supervillain attack nor did any student turn evil. “I know we get attacked frequently,” he said. “But this was not, and I repeat, NOT a supervillain attack, and our students didn’t turn evil. I repeat, no one turned evil.”

“The nanites also burned up in the explosion,” he added. “No one will have gargoyle statues self-assembling on their lawns. I promise.”

February 24, 2015