The New Romford Free Press

Author: Greg

  • McMillan: ‘I Have Natural Superpowers’

    McMillan: ‘I Have Natural Superpowers’

    mcmillan

    By Dash Hamley

    In yet another stunning turn of events in the Pinnacle Health scandal, Jay McMillan, first baseman for the New Romford Railers, released a statement this morning revealing that he did purchase drugs from Jared Mendoza but not to gain superpowers.  Rather, he claims to have used drugs to suppress his own natural superpowers.

    “Ever since I was a boy,” McMillan said in his statement, “I was always stronger and faster than everyone else.  At the time it wasn’t anything out of the ordinary.  I was just a better athlete.  But as I went into high school, I noticed that my strength and speed were much greater than my teammates.  I could lift cars and jump across rivers.  After consulting with a few experts, my parents and I determined that I had natural superpowers.  I was never in a chemical spill, never hit by cosmic rays, never augmented with nanites.  My powers were all-natural.”

    If validated, this would free McMillan of any possible criminal charges thrown against him.  It is a crime to obtain superpowers intentionally but not a crime to obtain superpowers unintentionally or by birth.  But it also mean the end of his career as an athlete, where superpowers are strictly forbidden.

    “Now, many people will wonder why I didn’t become a superhero with these powers,” McMillan continued.  “The truth is that my strength and speed are not that great compared to the professionals in that field, nor do I have the mental fortitude to lead that life.  I believe it takes a special kind of person who wants to be a superhero, and all I wanted to do was play baseball.  So I purchased drugs from Jared Mendoza to suppress my powers so that I wouldn’t have an unfair advantage over my peers.  That is the truth.”

    McMillan’s claims will need to be investigated by the DEA as suppressing superpowers is a muddy legal issue.  An even muddier issue will be the public’s reaction.  Superhumans are all but expected to contribute to society in some way, either by becoming a superhero or a construction worker.  Using superpowers for less helpful purposes, like sports, is viewed as selfish.  In the past decade, there’s been pushback from superhumans who just want to lead normal lives without the pressure to become superheroes, but it’s still a thorny issue.

    Meanwhile, sports commentator and hateful bridge troll Skip Bayless has been officially suspended for 30 days by ESPN for his LeBron James chair-throwing incident from last week.  Previously, ESPN had suspended him indefinitely.

  • Trump Physically Emancipates Hair from Head

    Trump Physically Emancipates Hair from Head

    trumpsmallBy Falco Rockbert

    NEW YORK – In a bizarre turn in a long-running saga of bizarre turns, Donald Trump has physically emancipated the hair creature from the top of his head.  In public, no less.

    Trump’s hair sued Trump a week ago, surprising practically everyone because it was not known that Trump’s hair was a sentient creature.  It revealed as much to the world, and that’s its name is Jimmy Gold.  It also revealed, via lawsuit, that it was a part owner in The Trump Organization for many years.  The lawsuit contends that Trump “grossly mismanaged” the company in his many failed attempts to disparage President Obama.  It wants monetary reparations and emancipation from Trump’s head.

    While neither Gold nor Trump made any comment after the announcement, they were attached to one another.  Trump hadn’t made any public appearances yet (and thus, neither had Gold), but sources inside of Trump Tower indicate that the two had be fighting ever since.  Today, Trump and Gold were out on the sidewalk in front of Trump Tower, just about to enter a car, when an argument overtook them.

    Trump reportedly yelled and pointed into his reflection in the window so that he could look Gold directly into what are presumably its eyes or face.  Gold flapped itself up and down, and somehow that was how he yelled back.  For nearly ten minutes they fought.  Naturally, a crowd formed around them, and many people pulled out their phones to record the incident.

    The fight ended when Trump ripped Gold from his head, threw it onto the ground, and said, “You’re fired!”  The crowd roared as Trump entered his car and Gold ran from the scene with little feet made of hair.

    Neither side would comment on the fight, but it’s clear that Gold will have to revise its lawsuit, possibly adding wrongful termination to its list of complaints.

  • Twin Cities Returning to Normal

    Twin Cities Returning to Normal

    magnilrem

    By Skip Daverman

    MINNEAPOLIS – After the month-long nightmare of the sentient bickering mouths, the Twin Cities are finally returning to normal, and making some money along the way.

    The damage caused by the mouths, which became sentient due to the evil sorcerer, Nilrem, was not as extensive as previously thought.  The damage to the infrastructure was limited.  Only about 30 streets in both cities combined needed repairs, and surprisingly, around 120 buildings were damages with only 9 critically damaged.  The windows all across the Twin Cities needed the most repairs, but most residents were grateful for that.

    “I really thought my home was destroyed,” said Robert Mathis, who lives less than a mile from downtown Minneapolis.  “Those mouths were so loud.  I thought for sure the sound waves would’ve just crushed everything, but all I came home to was a couple of broken windows and a bent storm drain.  Talk about lucky.”  Unlike Kansas, Magicimo could not reverse the damage with a spell.  A reversal spell would need to be cast within 24 hours of the original spell to work.

    With everyone returning home, the Twin Cities have not only gotten back to work but also have started capitalizing on their plight.  Both cities have commissioned artists to paint an outline of where the mouths were, and once done, they’ll place plaques along the way to preserve this unique piece of history.  They’ve even proposed to make each site a National Historical Site, but a decision on that isn’t expected until at least next year.

    Furthermore, to help generate some revenue and to mitigate the revenue they lost from this disaster, both cities are offering helicopter tours so people can see the “mouths” from up in the sky.  “It’s been really popular,” said St. Paul pilot Jon Francis.  “When you get up in the air, you really get a sense of just how big those things were.  Sometimes I like to spook them by rumbling into my headset.  Heh, really sounds like they’re coming back to the passengers.”

    And in other Nilrem news, the Chicago Cubs returned to Wrigley Field, playing their first home game in months.  So far, no one has noticed that they’ve returned.

  • ‘Reboot Man’ Denied Membership into Superteams for Being ‘Weird’

    ‘Reboot Man’ Denied Membership into Superteams for Being ‘Weird’

    rebootman
    Old photo of Ray Denver as North-Star

     

    by Stan Hopewell

    Ray Denver, the superhero commonly referred to as “Reboot Man,” has had a difficult life when he gained his superpowers several years ago.  Now, the veteran cannot land a job with a superteam.

    “This is pure discrimination,” said Denver, now going by the alias Clayman and exhibiting shapeshifting powers.  “Just because I’m a shapeshifter they think I’m a villain.  The Peace Force has at least three shapeshifters, so why am I being shunned by them?”

    The shapeshifters on the Peace Force are limited in their abilities.  Techno-Man can turn into electrical equipment, Orgo can transform into animals in a pink hue, and Super Stretcher can morph his body into most objects but cannot fully change his appearance.  In other words, none is a true shapeshifter by the UN Security Council definitions, whose legal definitions are used worldwide.

    Denver still believes he can pass any series of tests a superteam wants to know he’s not a villain.  “They can keep me on the reserve squad for a year to keep an eye on me,” he said.  “I’ll wear an ankle bracelet, have a computer chip implanted into me, I’ll let them read my mind once a week.  I just want to prove my mettle.”

    He also needs a paycheck.  Denver hasn’t been employed either as a superhero or a civilian in three years, and reportedly, has massive amounts of debt from his research trip to Alpha Centauri.  In the past three months, he’s been turned away from the Peace Force, the Amazings, SuperSeven, the Quinton School (for a teaching position), The Good Guys, and, curiously, QTpi’s, the all 16-under girls superteam.  “He was really weird,” said Mighty Mary, the 10 year-old leader.  “And super gross and old!  We don’t want weirdoes on our team.”

    Denver is considering legal action against the Peace Force and some other superteams, assuming he can find a lawyer to work pro-bono.  In the meantime, Clayman will patrol the streets of New York, New Romford, Philadelphia, and Boston in an effort to increase his “brand”.  “I’m just going to have to do this like the old days,” he said.  “I just need to get out on the streets and help the people.  That’s the only way I can prove myself.”

    “And if companies want to advertise on me, I’m open to that, too.  Just putting that out there.”

  • Local Inventor Makes Reusable Anchors for Grappling Hooks

    Local Inventor Makes Reusable Anchors for Grappling Hooks

    Anchor

    By Julia Crumpleman

    If you own a building in New Romford, especially a tall one, then you know the frustration of a superhero launching their grappling hooks into your roof.  The force needed to get a secure hold in the roof is enough to break masonry, and it often does.  Building owners citywide know the pain of having to repair their roves, but local inventor, Jared Hoffstetter, has a plan to save them money and headaches.

    Enter the reusable roof anchor.  The anchor is a piece of concrete and malleable hard putty that can withstand the force of not just one but a hundred grappling hooks.

    “Superpeople are just going to keep using your roof without bothering to ask,” said Hoffstetter, “so I thought, why not just give them something to hook on to?  It seemed like an obvious solution.”

    The reusable anchor can be reused at least a hundred times with drill type grappling hooks and twice as many times with traditional hook-handed grapples.  It’s designed with a deep, yet sturdy well in the center, and it can hold up to 10,000 pounds.

    “If you make the anchor point obvious for superheroes,” he said, “then they’ll use it.  They drill into you building’s concrete or use a flagpole, but those need to be replaced after a few tries.  Put a few of these on your roof, and it’ll pay for itself.  This will help the heroes and help the building owner.  Seems like a win-win to me.”

    But not everyone is so thrilled about this product.  “It just feels like you’re inviting trouble,” said building owner, Margaret Han of Granite Tower on the corner of 35th Ave and 21st St.  “For some reason, my rooftop is a meeting point for a lot of superpeople already, and when that happens, fights inevitably break out.  I’ve replaced so many parts of my building that I just don’t see how this would help.”

    Hoffstetter contends that his anchors would be used to facilitate superhero traffic rather than cause traffic jams.  “If you put a few of these along your roof,” he said, “then they’re going to just swing by.  Besides, they’re going to do it anyway.  Might as well lessen the damange.”

  • Mayors Ask for Help as LA Gridlock Spreads

    Mayors Ask for Help as LA Gridlock Spreads

    lagridlockby Buffy Bolivar

    LOS ANGELES — The gridlock that is plaguing the Los Angeles metropolitan area has spread to include nearly all of the freeways and major thoroughfares.  The growth has forced mayors of all the cities to ask for help.

    “We need the National Guard, the Peace Force, the Amazings, and anybody else with superpowers,” said LA Mayor Eric Garcetti.  “Our lives have effectively ground to a halt.  Our citizens can’t get to work, to their families and friends, or even their homes.  We need help.”

    Twenty-five mayors echoed the sentiments of Garcetti in a joint conference call to the Governor and President.  The call was broadcast online from each of their offices as they could not physically be in the same room.

    Even if the National Guard, Peace Force, or the Amazings were to help, it will be difficult to know where to start.  “Just look at this mess,” said KTLA traffic reporter Sally Martinez.  Via Skype, she showed the hundreds of red strings on an LA map in a news conference.  “Usually, it’s just a few spots here and there, but the traffic jams are literally everywhere.  I have no idea how to untangle this mess without just picking up all the vehicles and moving them somewhere.  There are millions of vehicles on these roads.”

    “I don’t know how we unclog this mess.  I don’t suppose there’s a teleporter on the Peace Force, is there?”

    For its part, the West Coast Peace Force is still up in space dealing with “an unknown intergalactic threat” according to the WCPF spokesperson.  The New Romford-based Peace Force said they’re “monitoring the situation and will help as time allows.”  The Amazings were not home at the moment, according to the Grainger Tower answering machine.

    President Obama and Governor Jerry Brown have already stated their commitment to helping, but for now, they’re not sending in ground forces so as to not exacerbate the problem.  The National Guard has offered to airlift people to their homes via helicopters, something hospital helicopters have been doing for sick residents.

    Some superpowered residents have assisted in small ways as well.  A man with ice powers has provided water to people stuck along the 5 and 605, and a woman with bat wings has flown a few people home in Anaheim.  Thankfully, no looting has occurred.  “Where would looters haul their stuff anyway?” said Martinez.  “Sure, they could steal a TV, but good luck getting across any of the four streets blocking your path home.”

    But it’s not all good fortune.  The Terminator Gangs have taken control of the Los Angeles River, which is mostly dry at this time of the year, as it resembles the spillway scene from Terminator 2.  This has effectively cut off another avenue for citizens to travel.  And the Na’vi Nation, the other James Cameron-inspired street gang, who have painted their bodies blue and run around in loincloths, have infected the various wooded parts of the LA area.  Since they’re prone to jump around tall objects, they’re less centralized and have popped up in hundreds of spots.  Both groups have terrorized anyone who enters their territory, and their territory seems to change by the hour.

    “I don’t know what to do,” said Pasadena resident, Idara Montero.  “I found three blue people hanging around in the trees behind my house, and they yelled at my husband when he asked them to go away.  Then they shot arrows at him, screaming some nonsense about Home Tree.  Now, we just leave them alone and hope they move on.”

    “Seriously, I hate James Cameron movies.”

  • 32 Athletes Plead Guilty to Using Superpowers

    32 Athletes Plead Guilty to Using Superpowers

    mcmillan

    By Dash Hamley

    In a stunning turn of events, 32 professional athletes have pleaded guilty to illegally obtaining superpowers via drugs sold by Pinnacle Health.  Jay McMillan was the only athlete who did not plead guilty, choosing instead to fight against the DEA.

    According to sources inside the DEA, the evidence against the athletes was conclusive and direct.  There were photos, texts, recorded phone calls, and even video of the athletes either buying or proposing to buy superpower drugs from Pinnacle Health.  Because they pleaded guilty, the athletes were able to get reduced sentences, but the number of years was not yet disclosed.  They will also have to receive mandatory superpower-reversing treatments until they are fully human again.

    The list of athletes includes prominent players from the MLB, NFL, and NBA:  Cody Rodriguez from the San Diego Padres, Michael McNally from the Texas Rangers, Paul Blart and Aaron Morgan from the Cleveland Indians, Carl Heddiger from the Chicago Bears, and Mike van Epps from the Indiana Pacers.  Naturally, each league has already banned every player from their respective sport, and any endorsement deals they had will surely be reviewed.

    But Jay McMillan has not been banned from Major League Baseball just yet.  He has chosen to fight the charges against him.  “This doesn’t sound like a smart move,” said legal analyst Martin Laredo.  “The evidence, which I’ve seen parts of it, against the other 32 athletes is very solid, so much so that they’ve all pleaded guilty to avoid lengthy sentences.  I can’t imagine the DEA would have less than that for [McMillan].”

    In other news, sports commentator and hateful bridge troll Skip Bayless reportedly threw a chair in the ESPN offices when LeBron James’s name was not included in the list.