The New Romford Free Press

Author: Greg

  • ALERT: Cosmic Ray Warning for Next Tuesday

    ALERT: Cosmic Ray Warning for Next Tuesday

    By Chase Chapley

    ATOM Labs has issued a Cosmic Ray Warning for next Tuesday, starting at 5:00 AM EST and lasting until at least early Wednesday morning.  The affected area ranges from Hartford, CT to Raleigh, NC, and from Erie, PA, to roughly 200 miles east of Long Island.  Residents are advised to wear the most current editions of lead-lined vests and helmets or, if they do not have any vests or helmets, to spend the day in a bomb shelter.

    The source of the cosmic rays hurtling towards Earth is still unknown.  ATOM Labs is still studying the nature of the radiation.  According to the statement released with the warning, this could be volcanic fumes from a toxic planet that just erupted, or it could be the lost energy from alien warships fired from their plasma rifles, or it could be some unknown cosmic force that’s searching for a new host.  No matter what it is, they will monitor it and provide any relevant updates as necessary.

    The cosmic rays are expected to vary in intensity within the warning zone.  Some areas will be hit harder than others, and the effects of the radiation are also unknown.  Some mutations are to be expected, and perhaps someone will gain superpowers, but ATOM Labs advises people not to try this.  President Obama has issued a preemptive state of emergency for all states within the warning zone and is currently working with each governor to prepare for any problems.

    More information will be made available as the cosmic rays get closer to Earth.

  • The Amazings Play With Kids Affected by DDD

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    By Buffy Bolivar

    With much of the city in ruins from the Dino-Day Disaster, families have been displaced from their homes and neighborhoods.  To help keep up the spirits of their fellow New Romforders, the Amazings stopped by Griffin Park in Frankton today, using their superpowers to play with local children.

    “It was really, really fun to jump on Dr. Amazing’s tummy,” said five-year-old Stacy.  “I jumped really high, like a million times!”

    Dr. Amazing stretched his torso out like a trampoline and let children jump on him one-by-one.  Once their turn was up, he caught them in the air and morphed his arm into a slide.  Meanwhile, Snow Woman created a winter wonderland inside a patented, invisible Amazing Dome, which kept the area at a cool 30° F.  After all, she had to keep the snowball fight going.  And Mr. Bigg flew children, four at a time, in a decommissioned AmazoPlane, 100 feet in the sky.

    “The snowball fight was so much fun!” said nine-year-old Jacob.  “Snow Woman just created this amazing snow fort that literally looked like a snow fort, and it was so awesome!”  The realistic-looking snow fort didn’t look like one after a few minutes of the snowball fight.

    “I’ve never flown before,” said twelve-year-old Dierdre.  “I mean, not like a superhero would.  But Mr. Bigg gave me the ride of my life, and now, I want to get superpowers of my own someday.  I want to fly on my own!”

    Notably missing from the original Amazings was Joan Upshaw, a.k.a. Miss Terror.  Understandably, her powers would be less conducive to playing with children, but she stayed behind at Grainger Tower to monitor the current Amazings team as they assisted with the search and rescue effort.  “Joan wishes she could’ve made it here,” said Dr. Amazing.  “But she preferred to stay at the tower and help out in her own way.  You know how Joan is.”

    Regardless, the parents were grateful for the break from the last few weeks.  “We’ve just been dealing with so much,” said Paula Moreno.  “I haven’t seen my children laugh and play in so long.  This really helps out.  It really does.”

    “This is what superheroes do.”

  • Wrigley Field Ivy Still Acting Up

    Wrigley Field Ivy Still Acting Up

    By Dash Hamley

    CHICAGO – The infamous ivy at Wrigley Field is still acting up against its own team.

    Last season, the ivy mysteriously became sentient and mischievous towards the Chicago Cubs in a game against the Houston Astros.  It swatted away fly balls before the Cubs players could catch them, held the ball in its ivy, and even tripped up the Cubs players.  Major League Baseball cancelled the remaining few games and hired special biologists and occultists to fix the problem.  But the problem isn’t going away.

    “I don’t know what to tell you,” said Andrew Mickelson, lead groundskeeper for Wrigley Field.  “We tried everything.  Fertilizer, pesticide, lasers, magic spells.  Heck, we even tried reasoning with the ivy, but it just laughed and laughed.”

    “I ain’t never seen anything like this in all my years.”

    Early in the season, they tried freezing the ivy with special cooling mists, but that only worked for about an hour.  The ivy slowly grew a branch to unplug the mist sprayers and stuffed several branches down the machine’s hoses.  And the summer heat didn’t help matters either.

    MLB and the Chicago Cubs are still looking for the reason why this happened all of a sudden.  “Someone is behind this,” said a Cubs official, who wished to remain anonymous.  “Someone did this to us, and we’re going to find out who.  I have no idea how though, so that’s a problem.  It’s probably a Cardinal fan.”

    The Cubs have had to cancel all of their home games just to avoid all the injuries to the players the ivy has caused.  So far, no one has seemed to notice.

  • Mars Flight Home Fundraiser Underway

    Mars Flight Home Fundraiser Underway

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    By Skip Daverman

    MARS, North Dakota – After 70 years, the Martian-Americans may be able to visit their home world, but only if a fundraising effort can meet its goal.

    In 1940 The Martian Galactic Army invaded Earth in an attempt to colonize the planet.  The combined efforts of the world’s militaries and the Crimebusters (the precursor to the Peace Force) were able to stop the invasion, but several Martians aided the human resistance as well.  These 45 Martians pledged their loyalty to Earth in the conflict as most were dissidents of the Martian Galactic Army which had seized control of the planet 12 years prior.  Due to their invaluable assistance, they were granted asylum and relocated to North Dakota, whose barren landscape reminded them so much of home.

    Since then, the Martian population has grown to 124, and some of the Original 45 are nearing the end of their lives.  “My grandpa keeps telling me stories of growing up in the red sands of Mars,” said Ma’ak Stevenson, who was born here in 1991.  “He misses it so much, it hurts him.  I’d just like him to see his home planet before he dies.  And I’d like to see it, too.  I’m a Martian who ain’t never been to Mars.”

    Most of the Martians living in Mars, North Dakota, have never seen their home planet.  They were born on Earth and know more about Earth life than Martian life.   Most still call the planet by its Earth name, Mars, than by its native name, O’hn Ma’ohn.  “The younger generation just don’t know what it’s like,” said Crav’ern Thomason, who was born in 1921 on the planet Mars.  “They have it easy here.  Never had to dig for no food.  Never had to squeeze water from no rocks.  They need to know their red roots.”

    With space travel from NASA now virtually nonexistent, the Martian-Americans are turning to private space flight companies for help, but even then, it will be expensive.  The average 10-person space flight just to orbit the Earth costs $150,000.  Traveling to the moon and back costs $670,000 without touching down on the moon.  Mars trips cost at least $12 million without hyperdrive assistance, $23 million with hyperdrive assistance.

    To raise funds, the Martians and residents from nearby towns have started a Mars Home Flight Fund online that’s accepting donations.  Humans have lobbied their senators and governor to allocate funds to the Fund, and some have even gone to New York and New Romford to ask help from philanthropists like Thomas McDowell.

    “I just hope they’re not trying to kick us out,” said Lo’m Carter, who was born on Earth in 1954.  “They’re lobbying real hard.  Real hard.  Those Johnson boys down the road have never taken to us.  I think they’re disappointed that we ain’t green like they was expecting.”

  • Dozens Still Missing from DDD

    Dozens Still Missing from DDD

    By Buffy Bolivar

    It’s been weeks since the Dino-Day Disaster, and though the majority of New Romford has been accounted for, dozens of residents are still missing.

    The NRPD has put the number at 79 missing residents, mostly located in the Downtown region and any parts of other boroughs with tall buildings.  These residents likely were trapped after a building collapsed either during the dinosaur transformation or after reverting back to human.  Rescue crews and the Peace Force are doing everything they can to find people trapped under debris.  “But it’s going slowly,” said one rescue worker.  “We have to take it easy so we don’t cause even more damage that could bury people even more.”

    There’s also the possibility that the Dinosaur Queen had transported residents to another unknown location.  As was reported by the New Romford Free Press during the DDD, several residents were captured by the Dino Army.  Their whereabouts have not been determined.

    For now, the NRPD is asking residents to be on the lookout for missing persons.  “Some people may’ve become disoriented while they were dinosaurs,” said a NRPD statement.  “They may’ve wandered off to places they’ve never been before and may be lost.  Their mental state may be damaged.  If you find someone who looks disoriented, please call the police.”  A full list of names and pictures are available on the NRPD and city website.

  • Welcome Our New Space Correspondent, Karna Firaliz

    Welcome Our New Space Correspondent, Karna Firaliz

    By Chase Chapley

    The New Romford Free Press started in 1976 with the purpose of bringing you the most important, well-informed news that affected the New Romford metropolitan area.  As we’ve grown over the years, our coverage has spread across the country and across the world.  Being the epicenter of superhuman activity has brought us many unique stories, and we do our best to report them as they happen, even if that’s difficult to do.  Whether it’s covering Atlantis, magical realms, giant monsters, or run-of-the-mill megalomaniacal supervillains, we will be there.

    But there’s been one area that we have not covered because we’ve never been there.  It is space.  The increased superhuman activity on Earth has made interaction with species from other planets more and more common.  From the Zrat War of 1958 to the Winmac-Paternius X Research Pact of 1984, Earthlings have become important players in the cosmos.  The UN estimates that over 7,000 aliens now reside on our planet, and that number is expected to rise over time.

    For the past few years, we’ve discussed how we should increase our coverage of other planets.  With advances in space communication, it is now possible to hear about events millions of light years away (albeit still with a time lag).  We tried devoting one reporter to space activities, but that became impossible with so many Earth stories to report.  We needed outside help.  We needed someone who lived on another planet.

    It is with great pleasure that we here at the New Romford Free Press welcome our new Space Correspondent, Karna Firaliz!  Karna is a Minaxian journalist from the Ionnia Solar System within the Andromeda Galaxy.  Growing up on the planet Minax, Karna had a knack for writing about his daily events in his light journal, which would always upset his maternal unit.  (Minaxians, during his youth, were raised by cybernetic Minaxians rather than their birth parents.  This practice has been slowly discontinued in the last 30 Earth years.)

    When he turned 543 in Minaxian years (about 23 Earth years), Karna entered Qorr Morr Lornirro, a prestigious university specializing in the light sciences, as much of Minaxian society is run on various wavelengths of light.  But Karna grew disinterested with his studies and began writing.  He joined a local news agency and moved his way up to Senior Editor at the Vro Gorr, a widely-read news service on Minax.  He also met his companion, Janorr, at the Vro Gorr and has three children with her.

    Karna will be reporting for the Vro Gorr and for us as well using an English translator program developed by Dr. Amazing.  He has not visited Earth yet but has interviewed the Peace Force when they visited his planet in 1997 and 2002.  The Peace Force noted that his English was very good, but Karna will also rely on us to help him when needed.

    Please welcome Karna Firaliz with open arms!  We can’t wait for his first report.

  • Tim Tebow Wants to Go to Alternate Dimensions to Play in an NFL

    Tim Tebow Wants to Go to Alternate Dimensions to Play in an NFL

    By Dash Hamely

    JACKSONVILLE – Former college football star, ex-NFL backup quarterback, and current football commentator, Tim Tebow, has been lobbying the science community to let him travel to alternate dimensions with the hope that he can play in an NFL.

    “I just want a chance is all,” Tebow said.  “I’ve wanted to play quarterback in the NFL all my life, and I just want the opportunity, you know.”

    Tebow last played with the New England Patriots but was released before the regular season began.  After trying out for several teams in private, and despite an unusually high rate of injuries to quarterbacks this past season, he could not land with any of the remaining 31 football clubs.  He also turned down offers from the CFL, arena football, and a “Russian football league”, whose existence has yet to be confirmed.  Last year, he became a college football commentator for ESPN, but his contract specifically came with a clause that he may pursue his football career again at any time.

    “Now is the time,” said Tebow.  “I’m ready, and even if I have to travel to a hundred different dimensions to find an NFL in one of them that would have me, then that’s the path God wants me to take.”

    “I don’t care if I have to play against bug people or a world where people have six arms,” he said.  “I’ll cross any chasm and fight against all odds, even a dimension filled with smoke monsters, to play for an NFL somewhere in the multiverse.  I just need a chance.”

    Traveling between dimensions is heavily regulated around the world.  Scientists and the UN closely monitor interdimensional travel as so much is not known about other dimensions, and just opening a portal can have disastrous consequences.

    “In 1979, a portal was opened to Earth 34,” said physicist Karl Unger, “and a swarm of parasitic emus erupted from the other side.  Twenty-nine people died from parasitic emus.  So, letting a failed football player travel to however many Earths just so he can play in an NFL?  Ludicrous.”

    “And I don’t care how many universes there are, but there isn’t a respectable league out there that uses the wildcat formation.”

    Tebow denied reports that he tried to enter this year’s NFL Draft under an alias and a wig and goatee, though photographs and records indicate someone name Tom Teebone was at the NFL Combine in March.