The New Romford Free Press

Author: Greg

  • Lap-Cat Caught in Paris

    Lap-Cat Caught in Paris

    lapcatwebaBy Skip Daverman

    PARIS, France – The infamous feline superspy Lap-Cat has been caught in Paris while attempting to steal secrets from President François Hollande.  It was not known what he was trying to steal.

    Lap-Cat has been on the loose for the past three years.  His last known whereabouts were in Berlin when he tried to infiltrate German Chancellor Angela Merkel’s office when he was shooed away with a broom.  Once the pet of supervillain Herr Gerfahr, Lap-Cat was imbued with superior intelligence in a lab accident by his former owner (then known as Frankenfurter).  After this he left Herr Gerfahr to lead his own life and quickly turned to espionage.

    Lap-Cat disarms his targets with his cuteness as he quickly learned humans were susceptible to it.  He invaded the homes of the rich and elite, purring and brushing up against people’s legs.  Eventually, he would jump onto the unsuspecting human’s lap while they were going over some documents or working on their computers.  From here, Lap-Cat could read their documents and sell their secrets.  If lucky, he could download files onto a thumb drive he carried around his collar while the human wasn’t looking.

    Catching the feline superspy has been difficult as he can crawl into tight spaces and see in the dark.  He’s been captured once before in Madrid but was released due to a technicality in Spanish law, which didn’t have a stipulation for talking cats.

    But with more advanced scanners and better intelligence, all atypical creatures are detected within French government buildings once they enter.  Lap-Cat was caught by French authorities and is currently being held in a secret facility.  Lap-Cat won’t be able to get out like he did in Spain; France made sentient animals a protected class in 2008.

  • After Android Fails, Mic-D Returns as Clone

    After Android Fails, Mic-D Returns as Clone

    By Stan Hopewell

    TIJUANA, Mexico – After rap mogul Gray Matter debuted an android of the late Mic-D last month, many people wondered about the ethics of such a decision.  Now, Gray Matter debuted his late partner as a clone at a concert in Tijuana.

    “People were complaining about his jerky movements,” said Gray Matter after the show, “but now he ain’t a robot.  Now he’s a real human being, yo!”

    Indeed, the cloned Mic-D’s movements were much more fluid than the android, but most concert-goers did not initially recognize that it wasn’t just an actor playing the part.  “From a hundred feet away, it’s just some dude, you know?” said Janet Mayer, an American who came to Tijuana to see this show.  It was a sentiment carried by most of the audience of 10,000, but afterwards, Gray Matter showed him off the media.

    “This is the real deal, my [expletive] [expletive],” he said.  “We’re going to blow this [expletive] up!”

    The Mic-D clone seemed overwhelmed by the attention, seeing as he was technically only two months old despite having an adult body.  Gray Matter didn’t allow him to speak or interact with the media and quickly ducked back into their tour bus without taking questions.

    One of the questions repeatedly asked was about the moral quandaries of resurrecting a deceased friend for monetary gain without the deceased’s consent.  Concert-goers seemed put off when they learned the news.  “Oh my God, I can’t believe he said that,” said Juanita Hermanos.  “Why can’t they leave the dead alone?  Don’t they know that’s bad luck?”

    “What?  No, that was just an actor, right?  No way someone would be so stupid to do that to their friend,” said Carlos Estes.

    “Ew,” said Stacy Paul.

    There were other lingering questions as well:  Where did the android go?  Where did Gray Matter get the money or genetic material to clone Mic-D?  Did his family consent to it?  And how is he going to tour the U.S., where cloning is illegal?  It’s no coincidence that the cloned Mic-D was debuted in Mexico.  He was likely bred there as well as Mexico has more lenient cloning laws.

    Reporters crowded Gray Matter’s tour bus, screaming questions at him.  The bus pulled away, and Gray Matter leaned out the window, flipping everyone off.  The cloned Mic-D did the same but used the wrong fingers.

  • Titana Defeats Hellena at Bayland

    Titana Defeats Hellena at Bayland

    titanahellenafightwebBy Packie Williams

    Supervillain Hellena was back in New Romford today, jumping several miles in just a few jumps before being defeated by Titana at Bayland Amusement Park.

    Hellena, an alternate timeline version of the superhero Titana, had apparently stolen something from ATOM Labs this morning.  NRPD and ATOM Labs are keeping quiet as to what the item was, but it was small enough to be carried by hand in a metal container.  After stealing the item, Hellena proceeded to jump several stories into the air (as she cannot fly) towards downtown.  She landed first just outside of PFHQ and then in the middle of the New Avenue and 4th Avenue intersection, causing pile-ups in the dozens in every direction.  Titana flew in from the north and knocked her alternate self into the Bayland Amusement Park.

    Witnesses reported that the two Amazonian princesses talked for several minutes before they fought.  They destroyed several small game stands and the carousel before ending up on the Ferris Wheel.

    Hellena’s fighting style was erratic and very limber, according to Diana Price.  “She was doing all these weird backflips and contortions.  She must have a super spine to do this stuff.  And then her breasts flopped out of her costume.”

    “I don’t know what world she came from, but superwomen need to support their girls like everyone else.”

    Despite her wardrobe malfunction, Hellena proved formidable for several minutes until Titana threw baseballs from a bottle-knock-down game at her.  Eventually, she went down with a fastball to the face.

    Titana waited for the NRPD to arrive and arrest Hellena.  She spoke with an office and flew away with the container in hand.

    Bayland Amusement Park closed for the rest of the day and indefinitely until repairs can be made.

  • The Bette Midler Show Dances Into the Morning

    The Bette Midler Show Dances Into the Morning

    By Muffy Borgeron

    The Bette Midler Show rolled into the Tom Foreman Opera House last night at 7pm and lasted into the early hours of the morning.  Midler’s fans have been getting their money’s worth at her one-woman show across the country thanks to the cybernetic legs she got last year.

    “These new legs have been remarkable!” said Midler.  “I could stand on them all day and never get tired.  It’s fantastic!”

    On New Year’s Eve in 2004, Midler was caught in an unusual helicopter accident where the aircraft landed on her legs.  Initially, she was left a paraplegic, but last year, she was one of the first citizens to get cybernetic prosthetics.  They are more reliable than normal prosthetics, and they allow the user to sense touch, heat, and cold.  And they never get tired.

    The Bette Midler Show has been touring the country for the past two months to rave reviews.  Midler, according to her fans and critics, seems to have more energy onstage.  The song-and-dance production started out in New York as a three-hour show, but it has quickly sprawled out to five hours with Midler chatting with audience members, doing acrobatics, and breaking concrete bricks with her cybernetic legs.

    “I’ve never done anything like this,” said Midler, “but I have these robot legs, so I have to give my fans something amazing!”

  • Trump’s Attempt to Prove Obama Is Mind-Controlled Causes Citywide Headaches

    Trump’s Attempt to Prove Obama Is Mind-Controlled Causes Citywide Headaches

    By Falco Rockbert

    trumpsmallWASHINGTON, D.C.  – While continuing to build his Trump Portal Detector, business magnate Donald Trump revealed his “big surprise” about President Obama by attempting to prove he was being mind-controlled using a psychic wave detector.  He only succeeded in causing headaches for every living thing within three miles and receiving a visit from the Secret Service.

    Not satisfied with the surmounting evidence that the president was born in Hawaii, Trump first accused Obama of being a clone.  When that didn’t pan out, he hired scientists to build a portal detector to prove Obama was from an alternate dimension.  Impatient, he bought a psychic wave detector from Germany to prove Obama was being mind-controlled.

    All results came back negative for everyone within a three-mile radius, including the White House and Congress, but scientists are suggesting Trump bought a substandard device as a proper detector doesn’t cause side effects.  Headaches were felt by every living thing after he activated his device, causing several traffic accidents on roads and highways, mass confusion in animals, and alarms to go off at the Pentagon and White House.  There was a panic of a terrorist attack, but Trump was videotaping himself from his room in the Hay-Adams, overlooking the White House, when it happened.

    “With this psychic wave detector,” said Trump on the video, “I can determine if the president is being mind-controlled by Mental-Man or Dr. Brain or whoever [editor’s note:  there are no records that these supervillains exist].  I can ensure the American people that I will get to the bottom of whoever that man is in the White House, once and for all.”  Then, Trump fumbled around with the device and activated it.  He is shown experiencing a headache as soon as it’s turn on.

    The video then briefly shows Trump and another man fumbling to turn off the device, and then the video cuts off.  The Secret Service was able to triangulate the position of the device from their command center and promptly arrested Trump.  So far, no major injuries have been reported around D.C. or from the White House, but President Obama did appear from the White House balcony to wave at supporters.  Aides say he was making jokes about it at dinner.

    Trump is currently in Secret Service custody along with the psychic wave detector.  No word yet on what charges he may face.

  • Grammer Hit by Rake at Premiere

    Grammer Hit by Rake at Premiere

    By Julia Crumpleman

    Actor Kelsey Grammer, best known for his work as Dr. Frasier Crane on Cheers and Fraiser, was back in New Romford for the premiere of his new movie, Marty & Irene, at the historic Wilmore Theater when he stepped on a rake and smacked his face with its handle.

    Grammer, who fell into a Hawaiian cave while on a hike a few weeks ago, laughed it off.  “I guess I better find Bart,” he said as he and his wife entered the theater.  No one knows where the rake came from, but it was likely left over from one of the gardeners.  There were no more reported rake incidents after that.

    Mary & Irene is a romantic comedy starring Grammer and Sarah Jessica Parker as a pair of lawyers forced to work together on a case when their kids take a joy ride in the car of a superhero, played by Wesley Snipes.  It was filmed in New Romford last year.

  • Mysterious Thefts Continue

    Mysterious Thefts Continue

    By Packie Williams

    The mysterious thefts that have plagued eastern Dukes for the past two weeks has continued with an apparent new twist:  residents’ bank accounts.

    August Hills resident, Jerry Minor, went to his bank and cashed his savings account in excess of $12,000.  Security cameras show him entering the WinMac branch on 19th Avenue, alone, and leaving with two suitcases full of money.  But Minor has no memory of this nor of where the money went.

    “I thought I was going crazy,” he said.  “I was checking my account online and saw the withdrawal.  Needless to say, I was shocked and immediately called the bank.  When they said I came in and withdrew the money, I thought it was some sort of joke, but then I saw the video.  I swear, I do not remember this.”

    Minor’s account was the first of three separate incidents, all residents of the wealthy August Hills neighborhood.  Selma Negras reported withdrawing $8,000, and Charles Tobin reported withdrawing $9,000.  Both did not remember a thing.

    The NRPD has told all banks to be suspicious of any suspicious withdrawals, even if it’s made by the owner of the accounts.  Police Commissioner Trombeau advised all New Romford residents to keep an eye on their money and valuables during the investigation.  When asked if a superhuman could be behind this, he said, “I wouldn’t rule it out.”