The New Romford Free Press

Author: Greg

  • Lightning Bug Arraigned

    Lightning Bug Arraigned

    By Chase Chapley

    lbmugshotwebHorace Wagner, a.k.a. the Lightning Bug, was arraigned in New Romford City Court today on 24 counts of property destruction, illegal possession of advanced weaponry, reckless endangerment of non-superpowered civilians, and unlawful possession of mutated organisms.

    Wagner, who last week blew up part of the Verzatt Estates and was defeated in a battle with Speedster in Downtown New Romford, pled no contest to all charges.  Judge Moynihan placed a $2,000,000 bond and sent Wagner to New Romford County Jail to await trial.

    If convicted, Wagner could face up to 60 years in prison, but supervillains of Wagner’s stature rarely receive the maximum sentences.  Since he was purportedly trying to set up contacts with the New Romford underworld, it’s possible he could be released early on a plea deal.  It’s also possible that he breaks out of jail as that is an all too common occurrence with supervillains.

  • Quinton School Nanites Keep Building

    Quinton School Nanites Keep Building

    school

    By Buffy Bolivar

    The nanites of the Quinton School for Young Superheroes appear to keep rebuilding the campus, long after they’ve rebuilt the buildings that were destroyed last week.

    Pop Man attacked the school last week, exploding several buildings on campus, and was eventually arrested.  When reached for comment on the attack, Professor Stratosphere remarked that he infused the architecture with nanites, or microscopic robots, that would rebuild any structure within days.  Apparently, that time has come and gone, yet the nanites keep building.

    “Well, they do seem rather rambunctious,” said Professor Stratosphere.  “Of course, I’m monitoring them, but they seem to be adding gargoyles and spikes and such to the buildings.  They were never in the original blueprints, but they’re building them.  Adds a gothic quality to them.  Might raise tuition prices.”

    As to why they keep building, the Professor was still investigating.  They use the atoms from their surroundings to replicate the structure they rebuild, and the Quinton School sits on top a hill rich in many types of rock.  He could not estimate when they would stop.

    The Muskrat, who is the new headmaster of the school, could not be reached for comment as he was on a Peace Force mission in Quebec.

  • Kelsey Grammar Hospitalized in Hawaii

    Kelsey Grammar Hospitalized in Hawaii

    By Julia Crumpleman

    HONOLULU – Actor Kelsey Grammar was hospitalized today after falling down into a cave on the island of Oahu.  No major injuries were reported.

    The actor best known for portraying the role of Dr. Frasier Crane on Cheers and Frasier for twenty years was on a hike with his wife and friends when he slipped and fell.  Grammar, who maintains a residence in Hawaii, suffered a heart attack in 2008, and he’s been taking hikes to maintain his health.  But this fall was not what the doctor ordered.

    “We were just hiking along this path near his house,” said Mark Platt, one of Grammar’s companions.  “We’ve been on this trail several times, actually, but we took a fork that was new to all of us, and that’s when Kelsey just slipped and fell down some rocks.”

    Platt was able to find a safer route to the cave and found that Grammar only fell about thirty feet.  Grammar was lying on the ground, staring at a statue that Platt described as “the Tiki idol from the Brady Bunch Hawaii episodes”.  Platt apparently had to snap Grammar back to reality and helped him out of the cave.

    Despite some bumps and bruises, Grammar is expected to make a full recovery and will be able to return home soon.

  • Vandals Ransack Veralow

    Vandals Ransack Veralow

    vandalsweb

    By Buffy Bolivar

    The Vandals are back, and they ransacked a strip mall in Veralow today.

    “Those damn (expletive) took all of paintings and silverware,” said Pigori Subs owner, Fabian Pigori.  “I was just working in the back on my classic Italian pizza subs.  I had an order for 100 pizza subs for a bigwig business guy, and then those (expletive) Vandals popped out of nowhere and ransacked my amazing restaurant.”

    Other store owners of the Veralow Plaza on Chaucer Street told similar stories.  Cronkston Vintage Clothing store noted the Vandals took off with several racks of women’s clothes, even though none of the Vandals were women, MegaHertz electronic store lost hundreds of yards of various cords, and EZ Cash Checking said they took chairs, a desk, and a few paintings, but no cash.

    “It was the strangest robbery we’ve ever had,” said Jonathan Drake of EZ Cash Checking.  “I mean, normally, people go for the cash and not the furniture.  So strange.  And then they all disappeared in a white light, just like they arrived.”

    The German supervillain, Herr Gerfahr, used his time traveling device in the 1980’s to loot treasures from history.  The Amazings were able to stop him in 455 CE when the Vandals ransacked Rome, but a small group of Vandals got caught in a time-space loop and have been hopping to different times and places ever since.  Their last known locations were London in 1994, outside Osaka, Japan in 1967, Machu Picchu in 1571 (according to Spanish histories), and St. Petersburg, Russia in 1799.  Usually their appearances last only a few minutes, and no one knows where they put all of their loot.

    Regardless, the time-space-traveling Vandals have not ransacked the same place twice, which provides some comfort to shop owners of the Veralow Plaza.  “At least I can write it up to my insurance,” said Pigori.  “I’ve lived in New Romford my whole life, and this is literally the only crazy thing that’s ever happened to me, so I count my blessings.  It’s like they say:  Vandals never strike twice.”

  • Twin Cities Continue to Bicker, Rupture Ear Drums

    Twin Cities Continue to Bicker, Rupture Ear Drums

    By Skip Daverman

    MINNEAPOLIS – The Twin Cities have continued their bickering since they became sentient two days ago.  Crowds are gathering around to see the mouths for themselves, but at their own peril.

    University of Minnesota scientists and both city police forces have cordoned off several blocks around the mouths, both to monitor their continued bickering and to protect curious residents.  “The decibel levels are typically in the 90s,” said physics Professor John Stockman.  “That’s about as loud as a train whistle or jackhammer, and that’s when they talk at a normal level.  When they yell, it’s up in the 140s, which is as loud as an airplane.  That is very dangerous for human ears.”

    Even with the police perimeter, three UM students snuck in to see the Minneapolis mouth.  They threw beer cans into it without reaction.  They continued throwing beer cans, garbage cans, and rocks, but the giant maw didn’t seem to notice.  Then one student began to urinate into it, and that’s when it coughed and yelled.

    The sound vibrations caused a minor earthquake in downtown Minneapolis and triggered the St. Paul mouth to laugh hysterically, causing another minor earthquake in St. Paul.  Both were under 4.0 on the Richter scale.  While no property damage was reported, the eardrums of the UM students were completely shattered, and hundreds of residents reported ringing in their ears for several minutes.

    The Minneapolis police quickly arrested the three students and expanded their perimeter around the mouth.  “This is really dangerous,” said Minneapolis police chief, Andrew McDaniels, at an impromptu press conference outside the new perimeter.  “These gigantic mouths are nothing to be trifled with.  Please stay behind the perimeter for your own safety.”

    When reporters asked follow-up questions, McDaniels asked for them to be repeated several times, forcing everyone to yell for a half hour on the street.

  • Lightning Bug Equipment Malfunction Caused Explosion

    Lightning Bug Equipment Malfunction Caused Explosion

    By Chase Chapley

    lbmugshotwebNew details have emerged from the Lightning Bug’s capture last week.  Horace Wagner, a.k.a. the Lightning Bug, had acquired some new equipment while staying at the Verzatt Estates.  This new equipment apparently malfunctioned and caused the explosion.

    Wagner had set up an alias in New Romford several months ago, presumably to make connections with new partners.  Sources within the NRPD are not commenting on exactly who he was meeting with, but given his apartment at Verzatt Estates under the alias John Smith, it is assumed he met or was attempting to meet with rich clients.

    At some point, Wagner was given new equipment to augment his Lightning Bug suit.  It malfunctioned and caused the explosion at his apartment.  Wagner then fled the scene in his suit, followed by a small swarm of insects, and was eventually captured by Speedster.  The NRPD would not confirm what the new equipment was exactly, but they did confirm that it wasn’t nuclear or otherwise contagious.  ATOM Labs scanned the room and confirmed the results.

    Wagner is currently in jail, awaiting trial for several counts of destruction of property, illegal possession of advanced weaponry, vandalism, battery, and unlawful possession of mutated organisms.

  • Speedster Zips Through Downtown, Leaves Wave of Destruction

    Speedster Zips Through Downtown, Leaves Wave of Destruction

    By Chase Chapley

    SpeedsterOn her way out of New Romford this morning, Speedster left her usual wave of destruction down 21st Street as cars slammed into each other trying to avoid her quick movements.

    On First Avenue, Jonathan Hu veered off the side of the road into a light post.  “She just came out of nowhere,” he said.  “She was running so fast that all I could do was swerve, but I hit the damn post because of her.”  Hu was at least thankful he didn’t hurt anyone.

    On Second Avenue, Michael Watt hit the rear bumper of the truck in front of him as Speedster zipped right past him.  “I was drinking my coffee,” he said, “when she just flew by.  Must’ve been going 200 miles an hour.  I spilled my coffee in my lap when she flew by, and I got distracted and just hit the truck in front of me.”

    On Third Avenue, Ida Noh had a similar story.  She was riding her bicycle when Speedster ran by.  “She was just so fast,” she said.  “I was crossing the street, and there was a car starting to turn, waiting for me, and then there she was.  She ran by and one car rear-ended another and bumped the car into me.  Then, I look down the street and everyone’s getting into accidents.”  Noh says she only experienced minor scraps, but she just can’t understand why Speedster won’t slow down.  “I mean, we got speed limits on the roads for a reason.  Why can’t she follow them?

    “I thought she was a hero.”

    Speedster turned onto Seventh Avenue at the YMCA, causing several more minor car accidents, before merging onto Eighth Avenue, causing Bea Caws to slam into a fire hydrant.  “I hate superheroes!” she said.  “Just get out of the damn city already and leave us alone.  This is the fifth accident I’ve had this month all thanks to so-called superheroes!”

    Tom Morrow and Todd Hay were sitting at the Shortstop Café to get a front row seat at the spectacle.  “We came down here for a light lunch like we always do,” Morrow said, “because there’s usually something exciting happening downtown.  And Speedster is just so much fun to watch, too!  I know people get into accidents, and that’s not fun for them, but as a spectator, we just love it!”

    Their waiter, who didn’t provide his name, was asked about the accidents and said, “I don’t care.”