The New Romford Free Press

Author: Greg

  • Christian Scientists Announce New ‘Discovery’ in Prayer Healing

    Christian Scientists Announce New ‘Discovery’ in Prayer Healing

    By Stan Hopewell

    BOSTON – Max Olhman, a Director of the Christian Science Center, announced a new “discovery” in their prayer healing practices he promised would be a “dramatic improvement” over prior prayer healing methods.

    “The previous prayers administered by our Christian Science practitioners worked,” said Olhman, “but they were not without their shortcomings.  So instead of having our followers silently argue with themselves to heal their ailments, we will administer a new improved prayer healing process from this day forward.  The new practice was discovered by myself and a team of Christian Science practitioners over the past decade, and we have already seen a dramatic improvement in the health and well-being of our members.”

    Olhman was repeatedly asked in the press conference at The First Church of Christ, Scientist, what this new method was, but he never explained it in explicit terms.  “It’s a very personal process,” he said, “and it will be different for each person.  What I can tell you from personal experience that this discovery is a major turning point in our faith.”

    Olhman would also not disclose how they made this discovery.

    Actual scientists are skeptical of this discovery.  “They won’t disclose what they ‘discovered’ or what this new type of prayer will be,” said Clarence Torrant, a medical science professor at MIT.  “The only way you can know if a healing method works is by testing it out through the scientific method and sharing your discovery with others so they can test it.  So yes, I’m very skeptical.”

    “The secrecy is all about trying to gain new members,” said Ian Dorkhund, a religious studies professor at Harvard.  “The Christian Science church has been losing members for a long time ever since medical science actually healed people.  I’m sure they’re being mysterious in order to pique people’s interests.”

    “Though I will admit,” added Dorkhund, “I am curious as to what this ‘discovery’ is.  From a strictly academic perspective, of course.”

    Olhman denied this was all a ploy to increase his church’s numbers.  “We’re just about helping people make peace with God,” he said.  “And this new discovery will help people do that more quickly.”

  • World News: A Kraken, A Portal, The Bermuda Triangle, and Giant Potatoes

    World News: A Kraken, A Portal, The Bermuda Triangle, and Giant Potatoes

    worldnews

    By Falco Rockbert

    MUMBAI, India – Indian superhero, the Purple Monsoon, stopped Paul Plunder from smuggling billions of dollars worth of ancient artifacts out of the Mumbai docks yesterday night.  Plunder, a British supervillain known for smuggling indigenous treasures, had a cargo ship full of stolen Indian items when the Purple Monsoon swept into the docks with her army of sharks, jellyfish, and whales barricading the ship’s exit.  She used her water powers to flood the cargo ship, throwing jellyfish at the faces of Plunder’s henchmen, incapacitating them with their venomous stings.  A fire-fight followed via Plunder’s flame throwers, trapping the Purple Monsoon, but she called in her trump card, Zayn, the Kraken.  Zayn thrashed the henchmen with his enormous tentacles, and the Purple Monsoon had an opening to knock out Plunder.  The henchmen who had escaped the jellyfish and Zayn surrendered to local police, and the Purple Monsoon hopped onto Zayn’s back and rode off from the docks.

    LAGOS, Nigeria – The flour that had dropped onto the city a week ago was finally cleaned up today.  Rain from a couple days ago made clean up sticky and difficult, but the city is back to normal now.  Scientists, meanwhile, have determined the portal was opened by a strange energy fluctuation in Munich, Germany, but the origin of that is still unknown.  The flour came from a Wertzenbach Foods warehouse in Munich, and that was discovered right away.  Wertzenbach Foods reported $1.2 million in lost and damaged goods.  Authorities and scientists are looking for any leads into the origin of the portal.

    BERMUDA TRIANGLE – Over the past three days, ships and planes that have mysteriously drowned in the Bermuda Triangle have now floated to the ocean’s surface, also mysteriously.  Satellite imaging has spotted over 60 man-made crafts, and so far, they appear to be unmanned.  The Peace Force is sending a team to investigate, and Atlantis is investigating the ocean floor.

    DUBLIN, Ireland – A man claiming to be from 19th century Ireland suddenly appeared in the Irish countryside with nine giant potatoes.  The man claimed to be Ian McGilley, a Irishman who disappeared in the 1850s during the Irish potato famine, and he said he followed “an angel” to a “mystical land” where food was gigantic and plentiful.  McGilley said that he had a series of adventures and misfortunes with the local populace of this “mystical land”, but with the aid of the “angel”, he was able to procure nine giant potatoes that would feed his impoverished nation.  He also claims that he was only in this “mystical land” for two weeks, and he is reportedly very confused with the 21st century.  While scientists have confirmed that McGilley came from to the Irish countryside via a interdimensional portal, they can’t confirm the rest of his story.  The giant potatoes, on the other hand, do appear to be giant potatoes, but authorities are keeping them secured while scientists determine if they’re safe to eat.

  • Tibetan Martial Arts Temple Rejects All Westerners Who Think They’re ‘The One’

    Tibetan Martial Arts Temple Rejects All Westerners Who Think They’re ‘The One’

    By Buffy Bolivar

    HIMALAYAS – Dragon Head, a Tibetan martial arts temple deep in the Himalayas, has formally closed their doors to all Westerners because of how many think they’re “The One.”

    “We are happy to open our doors to people of all nationalities,” said Crane Fist, the spokesperson for Dragon Head.  “But the sheer number of Westerners—especially white people—who think they’re ‘The One’ has become a problem.  They think they can come here and, without any formal training, become the master of our style.  Their arrogance disrupts the students who come here for guidance, and the last five men destroyed dozens of ancient, irreplaceable artifacts during their training.”

    Dragon Head was founded thousands of years ago by a nameless woman, who, as the legend goes, trained for a thousand days straight without sleep and gained ancient knowledge.  Her fighting style was furious yet steady, and her kicks were so fast that they created fireballs.  She was named Dragon Head by her followers and founded a school in the Himalayas, which was named in her honor.  Now, that title is passed down from generation to generation, and every student is given a new name upon entering the temple.

    And because of movies, hundreds of white Westerners think they can become the next Dragon Head.

    “I don’t know what the obsession is with Western movies,” said Crane Fist, “but every white man thinks they’re ‘The One,’ so they come here and expect everything to come naturally.  That’s preposterous.  The original Dragon Head trained for one thousand days straight.  That’s nearly three years of non-stop training, and no subsequent Dragon Head has earned the title that quickly.  They get here, train for a few months, and drop out once they realize it’s not so easy.  It’s insulting.”

    “And they always break something ancient,” he continued.  “Always.  Just last week, one American broke the ancient gourds the original Dragon Head drank from while wrestling with another student.  No respect.”

    Currently, Dragon Head is accepting students from anywhere except Europe and North America, and they’re taking an extra long look at Australia while they’re at it.  Also, they’re going to beef up their entrance exam for anyone who still thinks they’re “The One.”

    “We’ll have to ask, ‘Were you born kicking fireballs?,’” said Crane Fist.  “That should weed out the arrogant fools.”

  • Michelle Meyers Charged with Kidnapping, Conspiracy, False Endangerment

    Michelle Meyers Charged with Kidnapping, Conspiracy, False Endangerment

    meyersBy Falco Rockbert

    The former Channel 9 News reporter, Michelle Meyers, has been formally charged with kidnapping and 18 counts of both conspiracy and false endangerment

    Weeks ago, Meyers kidnapped a woman described by the District Attorney, Jonathan Colbert, as “an associate of Adonis.”  Meyers did not harm the woman, but her confrontation with Adonis did lead the NRPD to investigate her other illegal activities.  These consist of paying supervillains to “capture” her so that Adonis would then save her.  A past romantic relationship between them is speculated as the reason for her behavior.

    Since the 1930s, several superheroes have been known as Adonis, and almost all of them have had a female journalist as a love interest.  The reason for this is unknown, but Meyers was the current love interest for this generation’s Adonis, and she had previously broken the record for most saves by one superhero.  The first love interest of Adonis was Janice McManis, which was the name Meyers used to rent the van involved in the kidnapping.

    The NRPD and Peace Force continue to investigate the supervillains Meyers had hired for the false captures.  Most have been cooperative in supplying information about her activities, but the NRPD and Peace Force are looking into where the money went after Meyers paid them.

    Meyers has been kept in her own private wing of County Jail as she awaits her next court hearing in the next week or two.  Altogether, the charges set against her, if found guilty, would send Meyers to prison for the next 40-50 years.

  • Asimovia Attacked During Night Recharge Cycles, 24 “Dead”

    Asimovia Attacked During Night Recharge Cycles, 24 “Dead”

    By Stan Hopewell

    NAGASAKI – The island known as Asimovia was attacked last night while most of its inhabitants were in their recharge cycles.  At least 24 robots were “killed” by a computer virus.

    The assailants were humans who didn’t carry any electronics with them apart from several flash drives that carried a computer virus.  They reportedly dressed in all black clothes with face masks.  The assailants infiltrated Asimovia, though by what means is still being determined.  Once they arrived on the island, they maneuvered their way to the central mainframe that recharges the robots and installs system upgrades during the night.  Then they installed the computer virus to the central mainframe, tripping the alarm.

    Asimovian guards flew towards them (note:  the guards are drone helicopters), but the assailants were fast and nimble.  After a chase all throughout the island, the assailants were able to dive into the ocean, evading most of the robots.  A submarine robot was deployed to go after them, but it was not able to find them.

    Meanwhile, the virus infected over 100 robots.  The type of virus was not disclosed by Asimovia, but it was effective in “killing” 24 robots.  Asimovia describes the robots as “dying” in that the personalities of the infected robots was permanently deleted.  The bodies of these robots were still intact, and theoretically, their internal mainframes can be rebooted, but they will not have any of the memories of who they were.  Technicians were able to isolate the virus, preventing it from spreading to the thousands of robots on Asimovia, and to remove the virus from the infected robots and central mainframe.  Asimovian leader Victor Priceworth was reportedly not infected by the virus.

    Understandably, robots around the world are outraged, and they’re blaming Japan for the attack.  “Monk 3.0 has never experienced such an emotion designated OUTRAGE,” said San Franciscan research robot, Monk 3.0.  “Humans create robots for purpose designated HELP, and robots ask for qualifications designated RESPECT and DECENCY.  Monk 3.0 is certain nation designated JAPAN is responsible for atrocity designated ROBOCIDE.  They must result designated PAY.”

    Japan is the most obvious culprit at the moment.  Prime Minister Abe denied any involvement from the Japanese government and vowed full cooperation with Asimovia in bringing the assailants to justice.

    “I am personally appalled by this senseless act of violence,” said Abe.  “While Japan has had its differences with Asimovia, we did not do this.  The Asimovians have thus far proved themselves to be peaceful, and we would not needlessly provoke a peaceful people.  We call upon the international community to assist us in the investigation of this attack.  Japan will cooperate.”

    Asimovia would not comment on the Prime Minister’s statement, but they have asked for the Peace Force’s aid in the investigation as they’ve had several robot members in the past.

  • GORM Is Magical Frog, Now Banished to Home Dimension

    GORM Is Magical Frog, Now Banished to Home Dimension

    By Chase Chapley

    The mystery of who or what GORM was has now been solved.  GORM is a giant magical frog from Earth-188, where it apparently reigns supreme.

    The Peace Force issued a detailed accounting of how GORM came to our dimension:

    The Magnificent Magician, Magicimo®, encountered a strange magical anomaly on the outer reaches of The Mystic Plane, and he went to investigate.  He came across a unique dimension inhabited by bird-lizard hybrids that wasn’t a planet Earth.

    The magical anomaly was coming from one of this world’s castles, and it was clear the bird-lizard hybrids were being subjugated.  The Magnificent Magician, Magicimo®, used a cloaking spell to roam the castle to gather information.  Despite not understanding anything the inhabitants said, as they spoke no human language, he was able to ascertain they were being manipulated, and the magical anomaly was coming from the castle’s throne room.

    The Magnificent Magician, Magicimo®, found a giant frog named GORM.  It was using his magic to enslave the bird-lizard people.  Due to the magical energy swirling around the frog, The Magnificent Magician, Magicimo®, determined GORM wasn’t from this dimension, and the frog turned off his cloaking spell.

    They were able to speak to each other using a translation spell, and The Magnificent Magician, Magicimo®, discovered that the frog was named GORM and that it wished to increase its territory across dimensions.  The Magnificent Magician, Magicimo®, objected, and they got into a magic fight.  They began to leap across dimensions, throwing magic spells at each other.  They hopped into our dimension, and one of GORM’s spells interacted unusually with our dimension, and the recent bout of “frogs” in the Shorefont’s lexicon was one of the results.

    Eventually, The Magnificent Magician, Magicimo®, was able to trick GORM with an illusion spell and banished it back to its home dimension, depowered.  He has swept the Shorefront for any magical residue, and apart from some computer files, he found the neighborhood free and clear of GORM’s influence.

    The Peace Force did not specify if the computer files still contained some amount of GORM’s magic, or if this residue was harmful.  Currently, our “FROGS FROGS FROGS” article remains on our site.

  • Local News Roundup: A Kraken, the Cookie Monstrosity, and A Looping Subway Train

    Local News Roundup: A Kraken, the Cookie Monstrosity, and A Looping Subway Train

    localnews

    By Chase Chapley

    Offshore – The 12-foot tidal wave that crashed onto our shore, and throughout much of the eastern seaboard, was caused by Speedster creating “water tornadoes” out at sea.  The speed-themed superhero said she had to “take care of a kraken” that was attacking a freighter, though the captain of said freighter could not describe what the creature was when asked.  The captain’s eyes glowed purple when she asked about the incident, and the Peace Force is currently looking into it.

    Heights Park – The Bernard St. Warrior got stuck on the Future Farm last night after chasing what he claimed were burglars.  Although security cameras around the Future Farm didn’t detect any intruders beyond the supposed superhero, the Bernard St. Warrior (real name Nicholas Conberm) grappled to the top of the 25-story highrise farm, and as he ascended up the tower, his grapple cord jammed and stopped retracting at around the 19th floor.  He stayed there all night before being rescued by Dr. Amazing, who decided not to press charges as the situation was already embarrassing enough as is.

    Frenchtown – The QTπ’s beat up the Cookie Monstrosity (no relation to the Sesame Street’s Cookie Monster, though the Cookie Monstrosity is currently facing legal action from the Sesame Workshop over his name) after he attempted to steal all of the Girl Scout Cookies in Norwoods.  Knowing about his cookie addiction, the QTπ’s stationed members all over New Romford to protect the Girl Scots, and unsurprisingly, the Cookie Monstrosity appeared in Place 2.  The CM devoured 86 boxes of samoas, tagalongs, and thin mints before Punch Girl punched him in his cookie-filled face.  He is currently being held on a 500,000 cookie bail.

    Virgin Heights – Passengers on the C Train were caught in an “unusual wrinkle in the timespace continuum” yesterday that scientists are still trying to understand.  When the C Train left the 56th Street station, it would somehow return to that same station one minute later, and this happened for trains going in both directions.  This continued for several hours as confused passengers would exit the train at the same spot they got on it, and then many of them repeated this process several times.  Eventually, the New Romford Transit Authority closed the C Train line and called ATOM Labs to investigate.  Scientists rode the train to gather data and determined a wormhole had spontaneously spawned here.  Using some science gizmos, they were able to dissipate the wormhole, and the trains returned to normal service.  They’re still trying to understand how the wormhole spawned and have called in Dr. Amazing to consult.  For now, they’ve said the subways are safe to ride again “as far as we know.”