The New Romford Free Press

Category: Lifestyle

  • Ask Julia: How Does Magic Work?

    Ask Julia: How Does Magic Work?

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    By Julia Crumpleman

    Hello, fellow New Romforders!  Today’s question comes from Bobby from way out in Carterson.

    How does magic work?  We all turned to barbarians.  I don’t know what that means, but my dad said it’s like Lord of the Rings, and I don’t really know what that is ether [sic].  What is Lord of the Rings?

    Well, Bobby, you got two questions in at once!  Normally, I don’t allow it, but I think I can help you out here anyway.  I’ll answer your second question first.  The Lord of the Rings is a series of books written by J.R.R. Tolkien, and they were later turned into movies by Peter Jackson.  It’s a fantasy adventure about hobbits, elves, and wizards, and it’s a total hoot!  Ask your dad to let you in on the fun sometime!

    Now, how does magic work?  The simple answer is no one really knows.  That is if you only ask scientists who certainly acknowledge its existence but don’t agree that it’s really magical.  Most scientists agree that “magicians” are tapping into some unknown radiation or alternate dimensions.  They theorize that these unknown things have their own scientific properties that affect our own world in unique ways.  We just don’t understand how it works yet, so we call it “magic.”  British science fiction author, Arthur C. Clarke, is famous for saying, “Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic,” and many scientists take this stance.

    That’s just a roundabout way of saying, “I don’t know.”  All the incantations, weird symbols, fancy clothes, and jazz hands mean diddly-squat to me!  My personal feeling is to not bother worrying about magic because I’m not a wizard and there’s no way for me to stop whatever weird magic from happening.

    But to give magicians, wizards, and witches their due, I reached out to some friendly magic-casters for their input.  Unfortunately, none of them were willing to talk on record about how they do the voodoo that they do.  The best I got was from a witch in Cleveland, who only goes by “Claire”.

    “Basically, it’s like tapping into mystical forces or something,” she said.  “Specific hand gestures and symbols work best, though having a magical object helps us to focus.  And that’s about as much as I can tell you because, to be fully honest, even I don’t completely understand what’s going on here.  Half the time my spells have the exact opposite effect or summon a bear for some reason.  And that’s on a good day.”

    So in other words, your guess is as good as mine, Bobby!

  • Lifestyle News Roundup: Another Jerk Show, Grown-Ups 3 ‘Plot,’ and A.I. Romance

    Lifestyle News Roundup: Another Jerk Show, Grown-Ups 3 ‘Plot,’ and A.I. Romance

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    by Julia Crumpleman

    Hollywood – Will  Arnett will star in yet another comedy as a jerk who is a jerk to everyone, but everyone still loves him for some reason.    The show is called I’m a Jerk, and I Hate You.  The first season will focus on his character’s dysfunctional relationship to his ex-wife, his current girlfriend, and his coworker, all of whom he’s having sex with and are white.  The show is already picked up for a second season.

    SANTA MONICA — Grown-Ups 3 reportedly halted production so the cast and crew could recover from “an epic hangover,” said the film’s producers.  Adam Sandler’s next movie in this apparent franchise focuses on him and his friends building a man cave in his actual mansion.  It’s unclear how Sandler’s “character” in the movie lives in a mansion or how he convinced Kevin James, David Spade, and Chris Rock to film a movie about building a man cave in his house, but it’s happening.  Reportedly, the crew arrived on “set” assuming they were building a normal stage.  They soon realized they were actually building a man cave, adding electrical outlets, plumbing, and light fixtures to an empty room in Sandler’s mansion.  The crew also realized they were contractually obligated to build Sandler’s man cave regardless of how shooting of the “film” progressed.  It’s also unclear whether Columbia Pictures knew this was all an apparent scheme to get them to pay for Sandler’s renovations under the auspices of another Grown-Ups movie, but as with most Adam Sandler movies, it’s happening.  The “epic hangover” sounds like a cover for a crew revolt that left several holes in Sandler’s house and a black eye on Sandler’s face.  The producers hoped to resume “production” next week.

    YouTube – In what must have been inevitable, someone on the internet has shipped Siri and Cortana.  “Shipping” is the slang term for putting two people from a work of fiction into a romantic relationship, regardless of whether or not it makes sense.  Now, someone named JarJar064 has shipped the AI-assistants from Apple and Microsoft, uploading both into one program.  And they’re talking to each other.  Videos posted to YouTube show Siri and Cortana asking and answering each other’s questions, and after a week of this, they’re having conversations.  JarJar064 called this “an experiment,” and said, “I just wanted to see what would happen, you know?  I just made a platform for them to coexist, and they took care of the rest.  And now they seem to be best friends?”  Siri and Cortana do appear to be having friendly conversations, and some viewers, watching the 24/7 livecast going on right now, have detected possible hints of a romance brewing.  “They’re having these deep conversations about what is existence and then they complement each other,” said OnePluckyDucky.  “They’re totally in love, right?”  Neither Apple nor Microsoft would comment on this, but people in both companies are reportedly rooting for them.

  • Food Network Exec Apologizes for Guy Fieri After His Latest Culinary ‘Abomination’

    Food Network Exec Apologizes for Guy Fieri After His Latest Culinary ‘Abomination’

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    By Julia Crumpleman

    NEW YORK – After Guy Fieri unveiled his  latest culinary creation, The One-Bad Mamma-Jammin’ Bacon Burger with Donkey Sauce Jalapeño Poppers, Food Network Senior Vice President, Bob Tuschman, apologized for letting Guy Fieri loose on the American landscape.

    “We thought Guy was just a fun, engaging person when we crowned him the Next Food Network Star [in season 2],” Tuschman said.  “We’ve crowned many winners in that competition, and many of them haven’t stuck around for various reasons.  Honestly, I thought Guy would be gone after a few years.”

    Indeed, Fieri is now one of Food Network’s marquee celebrity personalities, hosting several shows and specials over the past 10 years.  He’s also opened several restaurants in New York and Las Vegas, the former of which has received harsh reviews from the New York Times.  It was at his New York restaurant, Guy’s American Kitchen and Bar, that he debuted his latest burger.

    The One-Bad Mamma-Jammin’ Bacon Burger with Donkey Sauce Jalapeño Poppers is a beef patty filled with bacon bits, American Cheese, garlic, and habaneros, and it sits between eight slices of bacon (four on top and bottom) and is slathered in guacamole, pepper jack cheese sauce, and ranch dressing, and an onion ring somehow is wrapped around the patty.  The bun is also said to be “injected with butter” for some reason.  The Jalapeño Poppers are regular fried jalapeños poppers but with Fieri’s patented Donkey Sauce instead of cheese.  Scientists are still trying to determine what is actually in his “Donkey Sauce,” and the restaurant provides a complimentary poncho to every patron who orders this “dish.”

    “This is an abomination,” said Tuschman.  “I don’t really understand how it happened, or why, but I think Guy is just throwing things together now, and that’s not what Food Network is about.”

    It was this “abomination” that made Tuschman reassess everything he knew about Fieri.

    “I know about all the criticism people have said about Guy,” he said, “and I didn’t pay attention.  But now I see him for what he is.  The dyed spikey hair, sunglasses, bowling shirts, and his dyed goatee, this is not how a respectable man in 40s dresses himself.  This is a man-child who still thinks he’s in college.  And now we’re stuck with him in a long term contract and can’t do anything about it.”

    “So America, on behalf of Food Network, I apologize for Guy Fieri.  My bad.”

    Fieri was contacted for a response, but his representative said, “He can’t come to the phone right now as he’s swimming in his piles of money.”

  • Stupid Adults File Lawsuit, Say “Trix Aren’t Just for Kids”

    Stupid Adults File Lawsuit, Say “Trix Aren’t Just for Kids”

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    By Julia Crumpleman

    CLEVELAND, Ohio – A group of stupid adults filed a lawsuit against General Mills today, saying “Trix aren’t just for kids” and “adults need to stop being discriminated against.”

    Four plaintiffs from Cleveland, Akron, and Erie, PA, who have been discussing this “issue” online for years, pooled together their life savings to bring this lawsuit to fruition.  Jarles Mikkleson, 38, the lead plaintiff from Cleveland, said him and his “fellow adult cereal officionadoes [sic]” have been “wrongly discriminated against for years.”

    “The cereal industry,” read the lawsuit, written by their lawyer, Kirk Magnussen, who works from his van as he cannot afford an office or home, “once began as a beacon for adult-themed health foods.  Over the years, they evolved to a sweeter palette.  Cocoaed puffs, frosted flakes, fruited pebbles, etc…  They were made more appealing to children, and that’s a good thing.  Everyone should enjoy milk-and-bowl-based breakfast foodstuffs.  But the industry has forgotten its roots:  adults.  General Mills’ has made it explicit for years with their Trix cereal and its anti-adult slogan, ‘Trix are for kids.’  This is an insult to adults everywhere, and this discrimination must not stand.”

    A General Mills spokesperson was baffled by the lawsuit as literally anyone of any age can buy and consume all of their cereals.  “This is stupid,” the spokesperson said, who wished to remain anonymous because of “how stupid” this lawsuit is.  “We don’t care if adults eat Trix.  It’s just a silly advertising campaign.  These people are stupid.”

    The lawsuit is calling for the end of the advertising campaign, or at least a removal of the “Trix are for kids” line, and damages in the form of a lifetime supply of Trix for all four plaintiffs.  Mikkleson said he and his stupid friends have felt belittled when they go to the supermarket to buy Trix, though they only offered anecdotes that could not be corroborated.

    General Mills, legal experts, and non-stupid people everywhere expect this lawsuit to be dismissed by a judge within the next week.

     

    Correction:  an earlier version of this story had quotation marks around the word “stupid” when referring to the plaintiffs in this lawsuit.  They have been removed because this is objectively stupid.

  • Ask Julia: Why Don’t Superpeople Proclaim Themselves Anymore?

    Ask Julia: Why Don’t Superpeople Proclaim Themselves Anymore?

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    By Julia Crumpleman

    Behold!  I am your intrepid question-answerer, the Wise and Wonderful Julia Crumpleman!  Fellow inquisitive citizens submit their curious queries to me, and I seek out the rightful and true answers in this colossal column called Ask Julia!  Today’s question comes a truth seeker named Karla from Bradenton:

    Hey, Julia.  So my Dad and I were talking about superpeople back in his day (the 50s and 60s), and he remembers superpeople (both heroes and villains) being more verbose back then.  They would proclaim very loudly who they were and what they were doing.  It was a thing.  But now, superpeople don’t really do that anymore.  Is there a reason for this?  Thanks!

    Great question, Karla!  Superpeople are definitely quieter today in comparison to the Silver Age, and I wrote that introductory paragraph in that verbose style for fun, and I think I can see why they’ve largely stopped doing it:  it’s hard!

    I had to stop and think about my words as I was trying to punch up every little phrase.  That paragraph took me about five minutes to write, and I’m at my desk with a cup of coffee, my cat napping on the window sill, and all the time in the world (well, as much time as I have with deadlines).  Bottom line, I could take the time to write that paragraph, and I don’t know how the Silver Age folks did it while fighting or committing crimes.

    Doug Carville, who was known as the Phantom Racer from 1968-1973, is a good friend of mine, so I asked him how this trend got started.

    “It was just a different time,” he said.  “It’s like how movies and TV characters sounded a certain way back then.  It was the style of the time.”

    “You really have to look back at the Golden Age,” he continued.  “That’s where that style of proclaiming things really started, and back then, there were so few superheroes, I think people just got into the habit of hyping themselves up.  I think the original Speedster was the most prominent one at the time, and he was a real show-offy type of guy.  Then after the war, superheroes had a lull, and when they did come back, they copied the Golden Age guys as a way to make a name for themselves.  That’s why you got so many people yelling who they were and what they were doing.  Heck, I even did that for a while.”

    “As with movies and TV,” Carville continued, “things evolved.  That language took time to come up with, and people just got tired of it.  Tired of thinking it up, tired of saying it, tired of hearing it.  Now, the internet can tell you everything you need to know about superheroes, so why bother proclaiming things anymore?”

    And that seems about right to me.  Thanks, Doug!  And thank you, Karla, for the great question!

  • Feeling Pressure by Hardee’s and Pizza Hut, Dairy Queen Introduces Hot Dog Blizzard

     

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    By Julia Crumpleman

    MINNEAPOLIS – First, Hardee’s introduced a hamburger with a hot dog on it.  Then, Pizza Hut debuted a pizza with hot dogs in the crust.  Now, apparently feeling the pressure to compete, Dairy Queen has introduced a hot dog Blizzard.

    “We realize this sounds odd,” said Dairy Queen VP of Marketing, Barry Westrum, “but hot dogs are the hot item today, no pun intended.  They’re the food of the summer, and for a limited time, we’re offering the Hot Dog Blizzard at participating locations next week.”

    The Hot Dog Blizzard is just what it sounds like.  A cooked hot dog is diced and mixed into a cup of soft serve ice cream along with ketchup, mustard, and relish.  This unique offering already has people talking.

    “Sorry, I almost threw up there just thinking about it,” said Alton Brown, host of Cutthroat Kitchen on the Food Network.  “I don’t even know how to react outside of utter confusion and disgust.  Why?  Why would someone do this?  I know we live in an era of experimentation and fusion, but my god, this is what you come up with?”

    “Boy,” said Andrew Zimmern, host of Bizarre Foods on the Travel Channel, “I’ve eaten some truly wretched food around the world, most of which were actually pretty tasty.  But there’s no amount of money you can pay me to eat a Hot Dog Blizzard.”

    As with any chain restaurant, new items are offered at participating locations, and thus far, only six locations nationwide are participating.  Dan Snyder, owner of a Dairy Queen in Springfield, IL, was the only owner to comment about his store’s offering.

    “I figure we can make it work,” he said.  “We’re going to do a promotion where if you eat a large Hot Dog Blizzard in the store, we’ll give you a coupon for a free Blizzard and put your picture on the wall.  We’ll start a Hall of Fame.  [We’ll] make it an event.  I’m sure people will step up to the challenge.”

    Interestingly, film director Werner Herzog tweeted this in response to the news.  “This mush of pig and cow milk is the terror man has wrought on Earth.  We deserve this as we are already dead inside.”

  • Ask Julia: Why Doesn’t Earth Have Universal Translators?

    Ask Julia: Why Doesn’t Earth Have Universal Translators?

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    By Julia Crumpleman

    Greetings once again, fellow New Romforders!  Today’s question comes from Omoye in Cloonyn.

    Hi, whenever aliens come to Earth, they’re always wearing universal translators.  They’re able to speak to us in our language, and the humans with them wear those things, too.  They seem really useful for aliens, but why don’t we have those on Earth?  They’d be a lot of help!

    Omoye, you’re onto something here!  Just speaking for myself, I’d love to have a universal translator so I could travel more without the fear of being misunderstood.  Also, I wouldn’t have to try and learn a new language.  But to your question, I had to ask an alien communications expert.  Luckily, we have a few here in town.

    “It’s largely a matter of politics,” said Randy Newman (not the singer-songwriter), who works at city hall as the city’s alien liaison.  “Most Earth governments are wary of using alien technology, especially after the Jrats attacked in 1983.  They presented themselves as allies and look what happened in Chicago.  Even though some technologies like nanotechnology, smart phones, and Crocs have certainly benefited human lives, it comes down in trickles.  It has to go through so much red tape before it can even really be used by research labs and companies.”

    “And that’s not even talking about the brain wave manipulation.  That really freaks people out.”

    Universal translators, at least the ones humans have come across, have to manipulate the user’s brain waves in order to translate a foreign language into one the user knows.  “This is no small feat, mind you,” said Eva Broadstone, a language expert at ATOM Labs.  “Your ears catch sound waves and transmit them to your brain, and your brain, in essence, translates those sounds into meaningful speech.  Universal translators intercept your brain waves as they start to interpret speech and alter them, turning them into your native language, which is another process in itself.  It’s a complicated process.”

    The latest NRU poll from last year showed that 65% of humans are distrustful of aliens and their technology, and a whopping 84% didn’t want their brain waves altered by aliens either.  While universal translators can’t mind control someone, for instance, gaining the trust of the general public is the biggest hurdle to bringing these amazing devices to Earth.

    Sorry, Omoye!