The New Romford Free Press

Category: Lifestyle

  • Kelsey Grammer in Hospital for Stepping on Rakes

    Kelsey Grammer in Hospital for Stepping on Rakes

    By Julia Crumpleman

    HOLLYWOOD — Actor Kelsey Grammer was hospitalized yesterday for stepping on “at least 40 rakes” while shooting his new TV show Montgomery.

    Just last month Grammer stepped on a misplaced rake at the Marty & Irene premiere in New Romford, reminiscent of his Sideshow Bob character from The Simpsons.  But now he seems to be stepping on rakes on a regular basis, at least according to people on the set.

    “It was weird,” said one unnamed source.  “This show is set in outer space, and there’s not an ounce of grass or leaves or nothing for miles.  Where are all these rakes coming from?”   Montgomery is a new show about a politician on a space colony who tries to keep the peace among the various alien life forms, and Grammer is the title character.  The show is filmed on several indoor sound stages and boasts that it casts real aliens for all the non-Earthling lifeforms.  Some people have suggested that the aliens are laying down rakes all over the set for unknown reasons.

    “Why would we do that?” said one of the alien actors through a translator app on its phone.  “Most of us don’t even have our green cards yet, and I didn’t even know what a rake was until I saw Mr. Grammer step on five of them.”

    On the first day of shooting, Grammer reportedly stepped on five rakes.  On the second day, he stepped on eight.  By the time he stepped on five in a row on day three, he was audibly grumbling much like Sideshow Bob according to those around him.  Eventually, after day six, he was admitted to the hospital for a minor skull fracture.  Doctors ran a series of tests to determine how he was attracting so many rakes, but the results were inconclusive.

    Grammer would not comment, neither would the studio, but the actor is expected to make a full recovery.

  • Ask Julia: What About ‘The Gator’?

    Ask Julia: What About ‘The Gator’?

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    By Julia Crumpleman

    profgatorWith New Romford still recuperating from the Dino-Day Disaster, I debated when I’d return to doing this column.  After all, there are much more pressing things to do, but that hasn’t stopped readers from sending me questions.  For any questions regarding the clean-up and recovery effort, please contact your local authorities and crisis management office.  They will be able to help you.

    Then it occurred to me that if I could provide some light distraction from our recent plight, why not do it?  So I picked one of the lighter questions and got a surprisingly pleasant response.  This question comes from Aaron in Carterson:

    Hey Julia, I was wondering what happened to Professor Gator at NRU?  Did he change into a dinosaur too?

    Aaron, I’m glad you asked because I hadn’t thought of it until now!  Furthermore, I wonder what happened to our extraterrestrial citizens.  They aren’t from Earth and would have no connection to dinosaurs.  Perhaps we’ll find out in time, but for now, I got the pleasure to speak with Professor Alan Guinness, a.k.a. “The Gator” or “Professor Gator”, about his experience.  Here’s what he had to say:

    Oh, ho ho, no I didn’t turn into a dinosaur, at least not what most people would think of when you say dinosaur.  I actually turned into an ancient version of an alligator.  From the best I could tell, I turned into a Deinosuchus riograndensis, basically a giant old alligator from the Cretaceous period.  I tripled in size, so I was about 30-35 feet long, and I wasn’t able to walk on two legs.

    It was a unique experience to say the least.  I was in my lab, which, thankfully, can hold a 30-foot long creature without much damage.  I was able to crawl out the door to see what was happening, but I really wasn’t able to do much other than destroy things with my tail by accident.  It was such a cumbersome thing.

    Thankfully, not much happened at my part of the campus.  The Dino Army wasn’t interested in us, apparently, so some of the professors and I kept the students together and took time studying ourselves.  I mean, how often do you get to study living, breathing dinosaurs up close and literally in person?  Once we got some food in us, we had a grand old time.  We gathered so much information on how dinosaurs walk, eat, and live.  I only wish we had hands so we could’ve written it all down, but we did the best we could.

    There you have it, Aaron!  I’m glad that someone was able to find something positive about the DDD, and Professor Guinness is just the alligator to do it.

  • Ask Julia: Alternate Timeline vs. Alternate Dimension

    Ask Julia: Alternate Timeline vs. Alternate Dimension

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    By Julia Crumpleman

    Today’s question comes from Doris:

    Dear Julia, what’s the difference between an alternate timeline and an alternate dimension?  I keep hearing it on the news, but they don’t explain it very well, and nothing on the internet helps me.  Are they different from parallel universes?  Thank you kindly.

    Ah, that’s a tricky one, Doris.  I’ll be the first to admit that I don’t quite understand it all myself.  Dr. Amazing has a web-series that tries to explain all about the multiverse and the space-time continuum, but most of it flies over my head.  (It also doesn’t help that Dr. Amazing seems to only speak in eight-syllable words when discussing physics, but that’s another thing entirely.)

    But I do know enough that I think can help.  Basically, alternate timelines exist within our universe while alternate dimensions/parallel universes (which are the same thing more or less) are not our universe.  An alternate timeline is when some event in history went a different way which altered the course of our universe.

    For instance, Hellena was just in the news recently, and she’s an alternate timeline version of Titana.  In Hellena’s timeline, Napoleon had conquered all of Europe and drove the Amazons into Hades.  Then, she sacrificed herself to save her people and became possessed by demons (hence the horns, red skin, and impractical clothing).  One of Titana’s adventures brought her to this timeline, and somehow Hellena followed her to our timeline.  Hellena can’t return to her world unless our timeline is changed to resemble hers, which is another difference between the two.

    Alternate dimensions can exist completely on their own.  They run by themselves, and without a portal generator, we can’t change their universes.  Think of one as being about space and the other being about time.  It can get tricky sometimes, I know, since alternate dimensions can act almost exactly like alternate timelines, but it’s really about self-sustainability.  Apparently, there’s some variation between alternate dimensions and parallel universes, but then we’re delving into the deep, deep stuff.  I recommend reading some of Dr. Amazing’s books for further illumination.

    Happy trails, Doris!

  • New App Tracks Superheroes

    New App Tracks Superheroes

    By Julia Crumpleman

    A new app, Cape Finder, has hit the market, and it’ll allow users to track sightings of superheroes, supervillains, and other super-powered people and creatures with one tap.

    Argon Studios, the developer of Cape Finder, says the app will utilize the phone’s GPS software to pin a map when users see a superhero or supervillain, much like Foursquare does.  “All it’ll take is a tap on your screen,” said lead developer, Chad Markins.  “Then you type in the person’s name or description and hit send.  You’ll go into the map where you can see other users’ pins.”

    “You can use this to track supervillains’ movements throughout the city, for instance,” he said.  “Usually, they move in one direction or another, and this can be useful to know where to go in case of emergency.”

    But not everyone is so enthusiastic about this app.  Janice Montana, attorney for many superheroes including Titana and the Amazings, said this could undermine her clients’ activities.  “Many superheroes still have secret identities for a reason,” she said.  “If the bad guys knew who they were, they’re going to target their families.  This tracking software could seriously jeopardize their operations if people were to follow them to their homes or underground lairs.”

    Markins refuted that concern.  “We’re not using anything that people don’t already have at their fingertips,” he said.  “There are websites set up for this, and people tweet superhero sightings.  It’s out there.  Superheroes have been doing this for decades.  They know what they’re doing.”

  • The Bette Midler Show Dances Into the Morning

    The Bette Midler Show Dances Into the Morning

    By Muffy Borgeron

    The Bette Midler Show rolled into the Tom Foreman Opera House last night at 7pm and lasted into the early hours of the morning.  Midler’s fans have been getting their money’s worth at her one-woman show across the country thanks to the cybernetic legs she got last year.

    “These new legs have been remarkable!” said Midler.  “I could stand on them all day and never get tired.  It’s fantastic!”

    On New Year’s Eve in 2004, Midler was caught in an unusual helicopter accident where the aircraft landed on her legs.  Initially, she was left a paraplegic, but last year, she was one of the first citizens to get cybernetic prosthetics.  They are more reliable than normal prosthetics, and they allow the user to sense touch, heat, and cold.  And they never get tired.

    The Bette Midler Show has been touring the country for the past two months to rave reviews.  Midler, according to her fans and critics, seems to have more energy onstage.  The song-and-dance production started out in New York as a three-hour show, but it has quickly sprawled out to five hours with Midler chatting with audience members, doing acrobatics, and breaking concrete bricks with her cybernetic legs.

    “I’ve never done anything like this,” said Midler, “but I have these robot legs, so I have to give my fans something amazing!”

  • Grammer Hit by Rake at Premiere

    Grammer Hit by Rake at Premiere

    By Julia Crumpleman

    Actor Kelsey Grammer, best known for his work as Dr. Frasier Crane on Cheers and Fraiser, was back in New Romford for the premiere of his new movie, Marty & Irene, at the historic Wilmore Theater when he stepped on a rake and smacked his face with its handle.

    Grammer, who fell into a Hawaiian cave while on a hike a few weeks ago, laughed it off.  “I guess I better find Bart,” he said as he and his wife entered the theater.  No one knows where the rake came from, but it was likely left over from one of the gardeners.  There were no more reported rake incidents after that.

    Mary & Irene is a romantic comedy starring Grammer and Sarah Jessica Parker as a pair of lawyers forced to work together on a case when their kids take a joy ride in the car of a superhero, played by Wesley Snipes.  It was filmed in New Romford last year.

  • Ask Julia: Telepathic Protection

    Ask Julia: Telepathic Protection

    askjulia

    By Julia Crumpleman

    Today’s question comes from Brandon:

    Dear Julia, I keep seeing these flyers for “telepathic protection classes.”  Are these worth the money, or are they just scams?

    Good question, Brandon!  Telepathy is a tricky subject to tackle, even for superheroes.  U.N. estimates there are about 200 telepaths in the world, maybe more, making up a very small portion of the world’s population.  The majority of these people are low-level telepaths with limited range and power.  The big guns, like Professor Quinton, are rare and usually have other things on their mind, so to speak.  Being caught in a psychic attack of any sort is a super rare occurrence even by superhero standards.

    But protecting yourself isn’t a bad idea, either.  These telepathic protection classes promise to “keep your mind safe and clear from any intruders,” but the American Psychology Association has raised serious doubts about their practices.  Namely, how do you know if the instructor can be trusted?  Who says that eloquent, bald man isn’t poking around in your head for juicy tidbits while proclaiming to set up mental barriers?  And it’s not like you can test out your new mental barriers to know if they work until someone actually tries to read your mind.  By then it could be too late.  Still, the APA is constantly evaluating these classes and their methods, so be sure to check out their website for more information.

    If you’re still worried about possibly psychic attacks, then you may want to look into technological barriers.  Telepathy blockers are being introduced into the market, and they look just like Bluetooth headsets.  Just hook one to your ear, and it provides mental protection (according to the manufacturers of course).  There are even larger models that you can set up at home much like a home security system.  They’re based on models used for military and government facilities, so they should provide some protection for you at home.

    Happy thoughts, Brandon!