The New Romford Free Press

Category: Local

  • Dinosaur Queen Turns New Romford Into Dinosaurs

    Dinosaur Queen Turns New Romford Into Dinosaurs

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    File photo

    By Chase Chapley

    Twenty-two minutes ago, the supervillain known as the Dinosaur Queen emitted a ray of energy that turned everyone in New Romford into dinosaurs.  Twenty minutes ago, she released a video on YouTube admitting her actions and demanded New Romforders to “praise” her.

    “Praise me, New Romford!” she said.  “It is I, the Dinosaur Queen, who has transformed you into the beautiful creatures you are now.  You are now faster and stronger than you ever were before, and soon the whole world will be as such.”

    “Praise me, my new minions!  Praise me!”  She ended her speech laughing and then abruptly ended her video.

    Indeed, everyone, as far as I can tell from the NRFP offices in the Dumont Building, has turned into some species of dinosaur.  Large to small, flying to land-based, the diversity of species is wide-ranging.  I’ve turned into a raptor with feathers, but I’ve yet to determine which species I am.  The NRFP staff has also been transformed, yet I am one of the few still capable of using a keyboard.  My dinosaur body has “fingers”, and I will write as much as I can on my laptop though it is taking me longer to type than normal.

    The internet connection here is still running, but I don’t know for how long.  Out my window, I can see large dinosaurs have crushed buildings and downed power lines.  My cell phone is fluctuating the number of bars, so I would have to assume some communication towers have fallen as well.

    I will update this site as best as I can for as long as I can.  Stay safe.

  • ***BREAKING NEWS***

    ***BREAKING NEWS***

    ***BREAKING NEWS***

    Everyone in New Romford, at least Downtown, has been transformed into a dinosaur by some kind of energy beam.

    The extent is not known yet as this has just happened.  Our communication systems are spotty at the moment.  If you can read this, we will work to bring you the up-to-the-moment news on this unusual event.

    More to come…

  • Nanites Finally Under Control

    Nanites Finally Under Control

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    By Buffy Bolivar

    The nanite rampage at the Quinton School for Young Superheroes is finally over.  Professor Stratosphere, with assistance from ATOM Labs and Dr. Amazing, were able to find the cause of the nanites’ malfunction and stopped their ceaseless building last night.

    “It turns out there was some malicious code in their programming,” said Professor Stratosphere.  “I won’t say for certain where the code came from, but I have some guesses on who could’ve put it in there.  One of our many enemies to be sure.”

    It had been three weeks since the rampage had begun as the nanites kept building new structures after the Pop Man attack on the day the school reopened.  The nanites crept to the school’s property line, threatening the residents of Carterson with gargoyle statues and spikes.  Faculty and students had been destroying buildings on a regular basis to slow them down, and they even got some of the residents to help out.

    Finally, the ordeal is over, and many of the students are relieved to be able to rest.  “It’s just been a lot of busy work,” said Jason Mirth, a.k.a. Stone Fist.  “My hands hurt.  I think I’m going to sleep for a week.”

    Before, the residents had to deal with all the noise of the destruction, but now that it’s over, there’s an eerie quiet in town.  “It’s really weird,” said Wanda Platt.  “Everyone had to speak up and yell, basically, to talk for the past week or so.  We all just got used to it.  Now, it’s really quiet, and no one wants to break the silence.

    “But I’m glad it’s over.  I just hope I can get to sleep tonight without all the white noise.”

  • “Ghostwriters” Turned Away at Court

    “Ghostwriters” Turned Away at Court

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    By Buffy Bolivar

    The “Ghostwriters” who were trapped in Little India by necromancers were turned away from court today as ghosts are not a covered class in New Romford law.

    Section 8 of the New Romford City Charter was last amended in 1997 to admit beings from other dimensions or timelines, aliens from other planets, sasquatches and yetis, and pansexuals as a covered class.  It has been amended thirteen different times to cover a total of 58 distinct classes, by far the most of any city in the country.  Being a covered class allows for full protection under the law, but ghosts have never been added despite numerous attempts.  The last of which died in 2004.

    “These posthumous-Americans deserve full protection under the law just like they had full protection when they were alive,” said Saul Mortenson, lawyer for the Ghostwriters.  “They were exploited by these necromancers, and they and their families deserve justice and compensation for their work.”

    The Ghostwriters were held against their wills by five necromancers several weeks back and forced to write paranormal teen romance novels in the basement of a Little India building.  Five necromancers were arrested but ultimately not charged with any crimes.  At least one more was never caught, and there could’ve been more than that.  The publishers of their novels have been debating whether to sue them or not, but according to sources, they may ultimately not sue as their novels have seen a boost in sales.

    Despite being turned away at court, Mortenson vows to press ahead with lawsuits.  “My clients were kept against their will to basically work as ghost slaves,” he said.  “And to write terrible paranormal teen romance novels.  Is this the kind of horror we are willing to allow?”

  • ‘Normal Man’ Still Recovering From Chemical Bath

    ‘Normal Man’ Still Recovering From Chemical Bath

    By Muffy Borgeron

    gilGil Heredia, the ATOM Labs maintenance worker who fell into a vat of chemicals a couple weeks ago, is still recovering from his burns and, strangely, still hasn’t gained superpowers.

    “Gil’s still in a medically-induced coma,” said ATOM Labs scientist, Carlos Montero, “and we’re doing our best to heal his burns, but now he has internal damage to his organs.  That chemical vat was a toxic brew, and frankly, everyone here is just surprised he hasn’t grown fur or bat wings.”

    “At the very least, he should’ve grown a third eye by now.”

    Heredia’s family is remaining quiet as they hope he recovers from his wounds.  Matt Laredo, the family spokesman, has requested privacy through this trying time.  “The Heredias understand the intrigue surrounding their husband and father of two.  Right now, the family asks for your prayers and hopes everyone can learn a valuable lesson that chemicals are not a reliable source of superpowers.”

    Indeed, the city seems to be rocked by the news of Heredia’s fate.  Sales of gas masks and hazmat suits have tripled in the past weeks, and traffic around ATOM Labs and other chemical plants has dipped substantially.  “It’s like people just realized this stuff was dangerous,” said Heredia’s manager, Lauren Paladio.  “I wouldn’t say people were jumping into chemicals before this, but I think people were less cautious because they thought, ‘Hey, if I get sprayed by chemicals from a truck accident, then at least I’ll get something cool out of it.’  Poor Gil, he’s just a normal man.  Hopefully, this will be a teachable moment for people.”

    “Even still, maybe he’ll wake up and have telekinesis or something.”

  • NRPD: Hellena Tried to Restore Her Timeline

    NRPD: Hellena Tried to Restore Her Timeline

    By Packie Williams

    hellenamugshotwebThe NRPD have determined that Hellena stole an undisclosed item from ATOM Labs yesterday with the purpose of restoring her timeline.  And she likely caused the déjà vu that many people felt as well.

    Hellena is the evil alternate timeline version of superhero Titana, who was brought to our timeline during one of Titana’s adventures.  The circumstances of that adventure have never been fully disclosed to the public.  But Hellena, who sacrificed herself to Hades to save the Amazons from Napoleon and turned evil as a result, has been a fixture in our timeline for the past eight years nonetheless.

    The item stolen from ATOM Labs may’ve been activated inside the labs by Hellena or one of her associates, who were seen but not apprehended.  A source within the NRPD has indicated that the déjà vu experienced around the world was likely caused by Hellena trying to restore her timeline in the past.  So far all indications are preliminary, but given Hellena’s continued quest to return to her timeline, it’s a safe bet she was behind it.

    No one at ATOM Labs is confirming the suspicions, and Dr. Amazing, a co-founder of ATOM Labs, has not spoken since the incident.  Hellena is currently being held in Granite Prison in a depowering room.

  • Mysterious Thefts Continue

    Mysterious Thefts Continue

    By Packie Williams

    The mysterious thefts that have plagued eastern Dukes for the past two weeks has continued with an apparent new twist:  residents’ bank accounts.

    August Hills resident, Jerry Minor, went to his bank and cashed his savings account in excess of $12,000.  Security cameras show him entering the WinMac branch on 19th Avenue, alone, and leaving with two suitcases full of money.  But Minor has no memory of this nor of where the money went.

    “I thought I was going crazy,” he said.  “I was checking my account online and saw the withdrawal.  Needless to say, I was shocked and immediately called the bank.  When they said I came in and withdrew the money, I thought it was some sort of joke, but then I saw the video.  I swear, I do not remember this.”

    Minor’s account was the first of three separate incidents, all residents of the wealthy August Hills neighborhood.  Selma Negras reported withdrawing $8,000, and Charles Tobin reported withdrawing $9,000.  Both did not remember a thing.

    The NRPD has told all banks to be suspicious of any suspicious withdrawals, even if it’s made by the owner of the accounts.  Police Commissioner Trombeau advised all New Romford residents to keep an eye on their money and valuables during the investigation.  When asked if a superhuman could be behind this, he said, “I wouldn’t rule it out.”