The New Romford Free Press

Category: Local

  • Michelle Meyers Rescued Again by Adonis

    Michelle Meyers Rescued Again by Adonis

    By Falco Rockbert

    adonismichelleweb
    File photo of Michelle Meyers being rescued by Adonis from the Master of Disaster.

    Michelle Meyers was taken hostage by the supervillain Keymaster last night and was rescued, yet again, by Adonis.

    Details of the incident are still sketchy, but Meyers, reporter for the New Romford Sentinel, was at her desk writing a story on a white collar crime ring in the Gramercy Tower.  The story alleges several high level bankers and hedge fund managers were embezzling money and funneling it to various supervillian organizations.  Keymaster, using his mastery of keys, snuck into the Sentinel’s offices and abducted Meyers.

    Keymaster took Meyers to the top of Gramercy Tower, 14 blocks away, and held her over the edge of the building.  Despite having a sword and a pair of daggers at his disposal, Keymaster dropped Meyers, allowing her to plummet towards the ground.

    Adonis saved her, of course, and quickly defeated Keymaster with his laser vision.  Why Keymaster decided to dispose of Meyers by falling rather than by his blades could not be determined, but Meyers was grateful for the save nonetheless.  “I guess I just get caught by the dumb supervillains,” she said.  “Now I got a story to write.”

    Adonis would not comment on the matter.  This marks his twenty-ninth save of Meyers.

  • Carterson Residents Destroy Buildings for Fun and Safety

    Carterson Residents Destroy Buildings for Fun and Safety

    gargoyleswebBy Buffy Bolivar

    The nanites from the Quinton School for Young Superheroes are still rampaging on the campus as students and faculty have set up a rotating schedule for destroying new buildings as they come.  Now, the residents of Carterson have been invited to help out.

    Headmaster Muskrat has offered some residents to opportunity to vent their frustrations of the nanites by letting them destroy buildings alongside the students and faculty.  “This is more fun than I thought it’d be,” said Jill Hadley.  “The lady with the weird face tattoos [faculty member Tara Target] gave me this giant hammer to smash things with.  The hammer isn’t as heavy as it looks, but it still smashes things good.”

    “I’ve destroyed 20 gargoyles today!”

    Residents have been helping out the school, not just to give the students and faculty a break, but also to help preserve their homes from unwanted gargoyles and spikes.  Members of a local gym have come by, mostly for the exercise.  “I’m all for a full-body workout,” said Jon Anthony.  “Smashing buildings uses every muscle in your body.  It’s great for bodybuilding.”

    But some residents aren’t so happy about this.  Mary Landers wouldn’t mind if the nanites came over and helped out her house.  “I wouldn’t mind have a second floor and a garage,” she said.  “Can’t they let a few of them robots come over and remodel my house?  I wouldn’t even mind a few gargoyles.”

    Meanwhile, the Muskrat assured residents that Professor Stratosphere was close to a solution to stomp the rampage.

  • Titana Defeats Hellena at Bayland

    Titana Defeats Hellena at Bayland

    titanahellenafightwebBy Packie Williams

    Supervillain Hellena was back in New Romford today, jumping several miles in just a few jumps before being defeated by Titana at Bayland Amusement Park.

    Hellena, an alternate timeline version of the superhero Titana, had apparently stolen something from ATOM Labs this morning.  NRPD and ATOM Labs are keeping quiet as to what the item was, but it was small enough to be carried by hand in a metal container.  After stealing the item, Hellena proceeded to jump several stories into the air (as she cannot fly) towards downtown.  She landed first just outside of PFHQ and then in the middle of the New Avenue and 4th Avenue intersection, causing pile-ups in the dozens in every direction.  Titana flew in from the north and knocked her alternate self into the Bayland Amusement Park.

    Witnesses reported that the two Amazonian princesses talked for several minutes before they fought.  They destroyed several small game stands and the carousel before ending up on the Ferris Wheel.

    Hellena’s fighting style was erratic and very limber, according to Diana Price.  “She was doing all these weird backflips and contortions.  She must have a super spine to do this stuff.  And then her breasts flopped out of her costume.”

    “I don’t know what world she came from, but superwomen need to support their girls like everyone else.”

    Despite her wardrobe malfunction, Hellena proved formidable for several minutes until Titana threw baseballs from a bottle-knock-down game at her.  Eventually, she went down with a fastball to the face.

    Titana waited for the NRPD to arrive and arrest Hellena.  She spoke with an office and flew away with the container in hand.

    Bayland Amusement Park closed for the rest of the day and indefinitely until repairs can be made.

  • Mysterious Thefts Continue

    Mysterious Thefts Continue

    By Packie Williams

    The mysterious thefts that have plagued eastern Dukes for the past two weeks has continued with an apparent new twist:  residents’ bank accounts.

    August Hills resident, Jerry Minor, went to his bank and cashed his savings account in excess of $12,000.  Security cameras show him entering the WinMac branch on 19th Avenue, alone, and leaving with two suitcases full of money.  But Minor has no memory of this nor of where the money went.

    “I thought I was going crazy,” he said.  “I was checking my account online and saw the withdrawal.  Needless to say, I was shocked and immediately called the bank.  When they said I came in and withdrew the money, I thought it was some sort of joke, but then I saw the video.  I swear, I do not remember this.”

    Minor’s account was the first of three separate incidents, all residents of the wealthy August Hills neighborhood.  Selma Negras reported withdrawing $8,000, and Charles Tobin reported withdrawing $9,000.  Both did not remember a thing.

    The NRPD has told all banks to be suspicious of any suspicious withdrawals, even if it’s made by the owner of the accounts.  Police Commissioner Trombeau advised all New Romford residents to keep an eye on their money and valuables during the investigation.  When asked if a superhuman could be behind this, he said, “I wouldn’t rule it out.”

  • Déjà vu Rocks City

    Déjà vu Rocks City

    By Falco Rockbert

    New Romford was hit with a sudden case of déjà vu yesterday afternoon at around 3:15.  Seemingly everyone in the area felt like they had experienced the same event happen twice at the same time.

    Martin Grainger, a.k.a. Dr. Amazing of The Amazings, felt the déjà vu as well and even recorded it.  “We have very precise clocks here at Grainger Tower,” he said, “and we somehow saw a tiny blip occur at the 3:14:35 mark of two microseconds.  It’s like time stopped and then restarted.”

    The blip was so brief that it could hardly be said to have occurred at all, said Dr. Amazing, but it seems that everyone in the world, and not just New Romford, felt it.  The déjà vu caused sudden bursts of disorientation, disrupting activities.   Reports have come in of car accidents in most U.S. cities and in Canada and Mexico.  A 40-car pile-up was reported in Los Angeles.  A Parliament session in London was halted for an hour, and planes nearly collided mid-air in Germany.

    As for what caused the déjà vu is uncertain.  Dr. Amazing is still investigating the blip with the aid of scientists from around the world.  But he said the most likely cause was a reset of the timestream.

    “I’d bet someone came back from the future to stop some event from happening,” he said.  “Whatever this event was probably was the trigger for a series of events that lead up to a terrible future.  When that happens, the timestream is reset to a different path, and that usually leads to a brief sense of déjà vu.  The last time I can remember this happening—or rather the last time it’s happened in this timestream—was seven years ago on New Year’s Eve.”

    On December 31, 2004, a helicopter inexplicably crash landed on Bette Midler, crippling her from the waist down, during a performance at Carnegie Hall.  Eight people died of unusual causes that night, and no cause of the déjà vu was discovered.

    No casualties have been reported from yesterday.

  • Nanites Won’t Stop Building

    Nanites Won’t Stop Building

    school

    By Buffy Bolivar

    Now, the Muskrat admits, things are getting out of hand.  The nanites that Professor Stratosphere infused into the Quinton School’s buildings have been continually building new structures ever since the Pop Man attack from two weeks ago.   They’re threatening to overrun the school’s property line and spread out towards the town of Carterson.

    “We are working on a solution right now,” said the Muskrat in a written statement.  “We will do whatever is necessary to slow down the nanites before they reach the school’s property line.  Professor Stratosphere is working with ATOM Labs and Dr. Amazing around the clock to alleviate this situation.  In the meantime, both the faculty and students are working diligently to destroy any new buildings in hopes of forcing the nanites to rebuild them and stay on campus.”

    Indeed, residents of Carterson can hear the explosions from the Quinton School for Young Superheroes.  “Every few minutes you can just hear a large thud or kapow,” said Randy Scobel.  “I was just reading the paper this morning when I started hearing the explosions, and I spilled my coffee all over the place.  I could even feel my house shake on one of the really big ones.”

    Carterson mayor, Laura McKinley, has expressed deep concerns over the explosions and the nanites.  She said she objected to the nanites when Professor Stratosphere first told her about them, but since the school is outside the city limits, there wasn’t much she could do.

    “I told him these weren’t a good idea,” said McKinley.  “Obviously, I’m not a scientist, but there’s just something off about little machines.  I asked what would happen if they went rogue, and he assured me that everything would be fine.  I tried to look him straight in the face to get a reassurance, but his globe helmet makes it difficult to do that.”

    For now Mayor McKinley is urging residents to remain vigilant and ready to evacuate if they start to see gargoyle statues suddenly appear on their houses.

  • Quinton School Nanites Double School’s Capacity

    Quinton School Nanites Double School’s Capacity

    school
    By Buffy Bolivar

    The Quinton School for Young Superheroes is still infested with Professor Stratosphere’s nanites.  For over a week, they’ve been rebuilding the school from the Pop Man attacks and then adding onto the campus’s buildings, and now they’ve effectively doubled the school’s capacity.

    Dorms, classrooms, cafeterias, and combat rooms have all been duplicated by the nanites.  What was once a school fit for a maximum of 60 students can now house 120.  And the nanites have not stopped building.

    “Professor Stratosphere is monitoring the situation closely,” said the Muskrat, who has returned from his mission with the Peace Force.  “It’s nice that they’re so effective at their jobs and that they’ve doubled the school for free.  So far, we’re grateful.”  The Professor could not be reached for comment as he was busy examining the nanites.

    The students, who are suddenly finding themselves with extra space, are taking advantage of the situation.  Gale Bradley, a.k.a. Star Girl or Bright Woman (she hasn’t decided which she likes better yet), is enjoying the extra space.  “The dorms here are pretty much the same size anywhere else,” she said, “so now we all got another room, and we’re spreading out.  Some guys have been punching holes in the walls to try and make them one room, but it doesn’t work for long as the nanites rebuild the walls immediately.”

    In between classes, some of the students have been having fun blowing up the gargoyles and watching the nanites descend on the broken off statue and reattach it to the building in a matter of minutes, even from 400 feet away.

    Asked if they were worried about the nanites, most of the students just shrugged it off.  Matt Klutte, a.k.a. Sheer Man, said, “Look, I’ve had translucent skin all my life.  That guy over there looks like a frog-wolf, and that guy can detach his joints like a freaking toy.  Like, seriously, his arms just pop off like he’s made of plastic, and he can pop them in and out like nothing.  These nanites are nothing next to us.”