The New Romford Free Press

Category: Local

  • Meetings Over; On to Washington

    Meetings Over; On to Washington

    balcony1By Stan Hopewell

    At 7pm the Peace Force-Atlantis Meeting is officially over.  U.S. officials, Peace Force members, and Atlanteans flooded the hall in good spirits.  Adonis, Titana, and the royal couple appeared before the crowd on the balcony, thanking everyone for attending.

    “I officially call this year’s meeting to a close,” said Adonis.  “It’s not often that we all get together like this, and I’m honored to have hosted King Morn, Queen Rosn’elia, and their Royal Circle here today.”  He went on to generalize what was said in the meetings but gave no specifics.

    King Morn gave a short speech in Atlantean to a jovial response from his Circle and then repeated it, supposedly, in English.  “I know being overland is hard on my people,” he said, “but Adonis and the Peace Force have made our stay a welcomed one.  I thank him and all of you overlanders for your hospitality.”  He and his wife bowed and exited the balcony.

    As for what was discussed, no one was allowed to give specifics.  “These were preliminary meetings to gather facts,” said Senator Saluzzi.  “Any specific deals will be made at Congress and the White House.  But I will say that we did gain ground, so to speak, on some trade deals.”

    The Atlanteans filed back into their limousines and left for their ship the M’ranic.  Tomorrow, they will be headed to Washington for a two-day visit with the President.  A wrap-up on today’s meetings will come later tonight.

  • Alligator Skin Outbreak in the Heights

    Alligator Skin Outbreak in the Heights

    By Muffy Borgeron

    profgatorAn outbreak of alligator skin has spread throughout the Heights in the past week, and residents are advised to get vaccinated.

    Alligator skin was a relatively benign disease that sprang up in the 70’s when New Romford University professor, Alan Guinness, was attempting to regenerate body parts in humans using reptilian DNA.  His experiments backfired when he was turned into an anthropomorphic alligator.  Initially, he ravaged NRU campus before being stopped by the Tarantula-Man and Dr. Amazing.  Dubbed “The Gator,” Guinness was able to regain control of his feral instincts but not his human form.  But his rampage spread the disease alligator skin, which slowly transforms a human’s skin into rough alligator-type skin but doesn’t transform them into rampaging lizard monsters.

    “I thought I had eradicated this disease years ago,” said Professor Alan Guinness, who still teaches biology at NRU.  “Dr. Amazing and I created a vaccine for it, and it was seemingly gone by the 90’s.  It became just another vaccine for children to get along with measles, mumps, and dragon pox.  But then people thought they contributed to autism, and now look where we are.

    “Turning into an alligator is what you get for not vaccinating your children.”

    Indeed, most of the cases have been reported in children under the age of twelve.  Health officials are trying to treat the disease as best they can but say that the best defense is prevention.  Guinness and his students have been creating new batches of the vaccine non-stop all week.

  • Lightning Bug Arrested; Meetings Back to Business

    Lightning Bug Arrested; Meetings Back to Business

    By Stan Hopewell

    Reports are coming in that Speedster has apprehended the Lightning Bug and turned him over to the NRPD.  While no Peace Force members or Atlanteans seemed worried about it, attendees couldn’t help but think of last year’s incident with the Mind Master.

    Regardless, the attendees took a break from the meetings during the incident just to be sure.  “Well, we got to a certain point in the talks when the news broke about Speedster,” said Senator Holloway.  “I was here last year for the meetings, and everyone, American and Atlantean, started looking at each other a little strangely.  But taking a break certainly helped ease any worries.”

    As for progress made, no one was willing to say much.  “We made progress, sure,” said Senator Saluzzi.  “Things got stalled by the news, but I think we’re going to make progress on trade routes.”  Saluzzi couldn’t confirm if talks on the proposed Atlantis Underway had started.

    With Lightning Bug in police custody, the break ended, and attendees returned to their meetings.  Not much was said, but rumors are popping up about an alternative to the Underway.  More information when it becomes available.

  • Speedster Captures Lightning Bug

    Speedster Captures Lightning Bug

    lbarrest

    By Chase Chapley

    Speedster tore through East Town today in pursuit of Lightning Bug, who is one of Speedster’s supervillains from New York.  He is suspected of causing the explosion at the Verzatt Apartments yesterday.

    The chase went up Main Street and veered off into the winding streets of East Town before culminating on the Milton Street exit on I-188.  It was a mixture of lightning, mutated insects, and super speed which ended in a small tornado generated by Speedster.  The high wind speeds disrupted Lightning Bug’s mechanical wings, and he fell to the ground, knocking him unconscious.

    The NRPD apprehended Lightning Bug and thanked Speedster for her help.  She began to say “You’re Welcome” when she ran off down 188.  The chase left a few people injured and many more cars and buildings damaged.

    The NRPD has released very few details as to what Lightning Bug was doing in New Romford.  He had been on the loose for several months and had usually been a hired hand in bank heists.  No bank robberies have occurred in New Romford in over a year.  Lightning Bug is not believed to have any associates in New Romford, but he may have been looking to make connections.

    Residents are advised to find an alternate route while the NRPD and ATOM Labs scrub the insect guts off the highway.

  • “Reboot Man” Denied Entrance to Meetings

    “Reboot Man” Denied Entrance to Meetings

    By Stan Hopewell

    rebootman
    File photo: Denver as North-Star

    The superhero dubbed “Reboot Man” by the press tried to gain entrance to the Atlantis-Peace Force Meetings but was turned away due to lack of clearance.

    Ray Denver, known as “Reboot Man” for his numerous identity changes over the past few years, started his superhero career as Star-Man.  He gained the powers of flight, super-strength, energy blasts, and energy manipulation from a pulsar while exploring Alpha Centauri.  This identity only lasted three months before the original Star-Man, Dan Stewart, spoke out against him using his old moniker.

    Denver relinquished his first identity and took up the name of North-Star, a name and costume inspired by the star Polaris.  He enjoyed a rather successful career in this guise and joined the Peace Force.  But this identity came to an end eight months later when he died fighting the Sparlox in deep space.

    Somehow, Denver was resurrected several months later in an explosion above the moon, which no one has been able to fully explain.  This time his powers included teleportation, and he became Portal-Man.  Unfortunately, one month later, he accidentally teleported himself into the bedrock below the Rocky Mountains of Colorado.

    Then, Denver absorbed the rocks to become Rock-Man, whose rock-based powers lasted only four months after he was caught in a mudslide in California and dissolved into the Sacramento River.  Five months later, he had absorbed the mud and clay from the river and can now apparently shapeshift.  He calls himself Clayman, and no one at Peace Force Headquarters recognizes him.

    “I’m a member,” he said.  “They know me.  I’ve fought side-by-side with them.  I even shapeshifted into my North-Star body and let them scan my mind.  They know I’m telling the truth.”

    Denver seemed depressed leaving the building.  He expressed how he thought he was dead in the Sacramento River and tried to convey how terrifying it was to become mud and clay.  According to him, it was a dark, wet experience that made him feel helpless.  Once he gained control of his newfound abilities, he turned into an eagle and flew across the country.  Denver acknowledged how often he’s changed identities and powers, holding back mud tears, but said it’s out of his control.  “How many of them control how they got their powers?” he said.  “How many of them have had reboots?  If it weren’t for one dumb thing or another, half of them wouldn’t even be in there.”

    Clayman, as he preferred to be called, left PFHQ in disgust.  When asked about a former member being turned away, Cloudwalker said, “He’s a shapeshifter.  After what happened last year, a creepy shapeshifter is the last thing we need.”

  • Meeting Attendees Aware of Speedster Incident

    Meeting Attendees Aware of Speedster Incident

    By Stan Hopewell

    Reports have been flying in of Speedster chasing Lightning Bug through East Town.  So far, the Peace Force and Atlanteans don’t seem worried.

    The Lightning Bug, who may’ve blown up an apartment at the Verzatt Estates, was spotted somewhere in East Town by Speedster.  A chase has ensued, but the Peace Force members here at PFHQ have reassured everyone that she can handle it.  “Speedster is very capable of taking care of Lightning Bug on her own,” said Cloudwalker.

    Apparently, she was also supposed to attend the meetings today, seeing as she’s a Peace Force member as well, but was told to investigate the Verzatt incident.  Rumors had been swirling of the Lightning Bug, a.k.a. Horace Wagner, setting up shop in New Romford.

    Cloudwalker assured that everyone in and around PFHQ was safe.  More information to come.

  • Ghost Writer “Sweatshop” Busted in Little India

    Ghost Writer “Sweatshop” Busted in Little India

    ghostwriters

    By Falco Rockbert

    Today, the NRPD busted a “sweatshop” that employed ghosts to write paranormal teen romance novels around the clock.  The NRPD were tipped off by the strange noises coming from the basement of the Stivenson Building on Gerhard Street in Little India.

    “It was an unusual sound,” said Officer Laura Carter.  “I was parked next to the building, checking my computer when I heard it.  The only way I can describe it was unearthly.”

    Inside, a trio of necromancers, Lawrence Constatine, Mary Woolen Cloverfield, and Cantor Merlinson the Mighty (real name Jason Dinkleman), magically held over 100 ghosts in front of laptops.  They were startled by the NRPD and couldn’t cast a spell quick enough to protect them from the officers’ clubs and pepper spray.  When the ghosts were freed, several of them floated away, but the majority remained with the police to explain the situation.

    “They forced us to write terrible paranormal teen romance novels,” said the ghost of Larry Stephens, a grocery worker who died in 1965.  “I didn’t even know this was a genre until they locked me in here.”

    The necromancers supposedly took the novels the ghosts wrote and sold several of them to publishers under the pseudonyms H.M. Marley, J. Georgia Carolina, Paul Pryorman, and Tristram Shandy among others.  According to the ghosts, they were responsible for over 30 published novels, including Love Bite, Werewolfopolis, I Heart Zombie, and The Yorkshire Hemophiliacs Society series.The publishing houses that bought the books did not comment.

    “I’ve never written anything while I was alive,” said the ghost of Janice McDunnon, a farmer who died in 1943.  “In fact, I could barely read and write.  Back then, women didn’t always get such a good education like they do these days.  But it didn’t matter to them none.  They just wanted more books, and it’s not like we need to sleep or eat or nothing.”

    Indeed, it appeared that the three necromancers took shifts during the day, and there were at least two more necromancers according to the ghosts.  The only breaks the ghosts got were to upload their manuscripts to a main server.  “This whole bloody affair was just awful,” said the ghost of Winston Cobblepot, an English hotel owner who died in 1891.  “Do you know how many damned vampire romance novels I had to write?  Twelve!  When did vampires become romantic?  Vampires are terrible, awful creatures that ruin your village, decimate your livestock, and tip horribly.”

    Despite the enslavement, the necromancers may get off easy in court.  Ghosts are not a protected class in the legal system, so technically, no laws were broken.  But they could face up to 1-3 years in prison if the publishing houses were to press fraud charges.  As for the ghosts themselves, they were free to go complete whatever task they needed so they could finally rest in peace.  All left except for one lone ghost who kept typing at his laptop.

    “Oh, that’s T.S. Eliot,” said the ghost of Winston Cobblepot.  “He was the only one who never complained, but they never took what he wrote.  He could never quite do what they wanted, that chap.”