The New Romford Free Press

Category: Local

  • FutureKin Wants to Send Your Child to the Future to Age Them Faster

    FutureKin Wants to Send Your Child to the Future to Age Them Faster

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    FutureKin CEO Jennifer Carson-Knowles

    By Julia Crumpelman

    Do you know Karen Skyrunner, the British superhero who saved Europe from a Celtic zombie army last year?  Do you know Ferris, the metallic Chicago-based superhero who stopped the Great Lakes from being turned to green sludge from a swamp monster?  How about Joey Radstone, the former Quinton School student who wanders the globe searching for the most “rad stones”?  They all have one thing in common.

    They were all born within the last seven years and are all now adults.  How?  They went to a future world to grow up and returned to the present (or, rather, their past.  It’s complicated.).

    Now Jennifer Carson-Knowles wants to bring this possibility for child-rearing to the common people with her new business, FutureKin.  “It’s so far only been an option for super people,” she said, “and that’s really a shame.  Parents should have the option to age their children faster like the super folk.”

    Carson-Knowles acknowledges that time travel is highly regulated, but that’s only for trips into the past.  “Nowhere in the time laws does it restrict going forward in time,” she said.  “Nor can it.  We travel forward through time constantly.  We’re doing it right now.  So that’s essentially what we’re doing.”

    FutureKin will provide parents with a selection of several future landscapes with separate instructors for different learning environments.  Some will be more knowledge based, others will resemble boot camps, and some will be complete survival worlds.  Once an environment is selected, the child will go to that future for several years and return the next day.  They will have aged however many years the parents paid for, so they could age up to ten years in one day.  How FutureKin Time Engineers are able to pinpoint futures with the right environments is a closely kept secret.

    But why would parents do this to their child, who will not see them for up to 10 years?  “Have you ever tried raising a child going through puberty?” said Carson-Knowles.  “Hell.  Pure hell.  Get your kid through the rough patch in one day and be done with it, I say.”

    “Another benefit,” she said, “would be having grandchildren much quicker.  This could be very helpful for parents who have children late in their lives.”  Her daughter, who went through one of the 10-year educational futures, rolled her eyes when she heard this.  She is legally only 9 years old but is physically 19 years old.

    “This is a bad, bad idea,” said Dr. Amazing, upon hearing the business plan for FutureKin.  “I don’t even know where to begin.  Those superheroes [listed above] went to the future because they had no other choice.  Skyrunner had a disease that only future tech could cure.  Ferris ran into a time portal when we has pursued by squid monsters, and Radstone was, well, a little stone crazy.  They lost years with their families.  Years!  They returned home and were emotionally distant from their families.”

    “Not to mention that those futures may not even exist because of something that happens today or another time traveler comes back to change something which deletes that future from happening,” said Dr. Amazing, running out of breath.  “Oh my god, this is such a bad, bad idea.”

    Carson-Knowles brushes off the criticisms.  “I have the top Time Engineers on this project,” she said.  “They will monitor every possible perturbation in the timestreams to make sure all of our futures still exist on a second-by-second basis.”

    “It’s like boarding school,” she said.  “And children grow up just fine because of that, so I think we’ll be just fine.”  Again, her daughter rolled her eyes and made an obscene gesture at her mother from behind her back.

  • Micro-Man Preps ‘Micro-Way’ for Proposal

    Micro-Man Preps ‘Micro-Way’ for Proposal

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    By Julia Crumpleman

    ATOM Labs scientist, Daisuke Honda, a.k.a. the superhero Micro-Man, has been prepping a new transportation proposal for city hall ever since the Dino-Day Disaster.  Calling it the “Micro-Way,” it’s essentially a miniature subway, and he says it’ll solve the city’s traffic problems.

    “There’s only so much space for public transportation,” said Honda.  “Subways, buses, monorails, pneumatic tubes, they all suffer from one problem:  they take up space,” said Honda.  “You have to tear up whole streets to lay down new subway lines or tear down buildings for monorails, and that not only costs billions of dollars but also years of construction time.  But imagine if the subways were the size of an electrical wire.  Now imagine a whole network of subways that small.  You could lay down hundreds of subway lines all across the city at a fraction of the cost and space as standard subway lines.”

    Honda’s proposal* would be to build “Micro-Stations” all across New Romford.  People would enter the “Micro-Stations,” pay for their ticket, be shrunk down by a Micro-Ray, and then ride the “Micro-Way” like they would a subway train.  Once they reach their destination, they get reverted back to their original size as they exit.  The “Micro-Way” trains would run much the same way as normal trains do, but at a significantly faster pace than their larger version to make up ground.

    “That’s not all,” he added.  “The major terminals could also have ‘Micro-Businesses.’  You can have convenience stores, restaurants, clothing stores and so on down there, but at a smaller scale.  One city block may have a dozen businesses, but if they were ‘Micro-Businesses,’ you could have hundreds of taxable businesses per block.”  Honda emphasized this point several times as he will at city hall.

    But there already are detractors with some reasonable concerns in the “micro-community.”  “They’ll never go for it,” said Paul Gershwin, the original Micro-Man.  “It’s a good idea, really, but no one will want to subject thousands of people to the Micro-Rays needed to make it work.  Even if people weren’t wary of being shrunk down, which not everyone can handle by the way, there’s still the possibility, however small, that something goes wrong.  Maybe the body shrinks but not the head, and then you crush your body.  Unfortunately, these things happen.”

    “Personally, I know not how he plans to beat back the rats and armies of ants,” said Krok, the size-changing alien warrior.  “Somehow, someway, they will break into this ‘Micro-Way’ and wreak untold havoc on innocent lives who do not know the first thing about fighting giant rodents and insects.”

    “And do not get me started on mutant bacteria.”

    Honda acknowledged the concerns of his friends but was adamant that he could handle these challenges.  “The Micro-Ray has progressed since Paul’s time.  Of course, there’s no way to eliminate all errors, but the machine is now built to detect any slight error and to shut down immediately.  We’ll take every precaution to stop that from happening.  And the rail lines will be coated in five layers of titanium.  There will be no way for rats or insects to enter.  Even so, we’ll have guards stationed in each terminal and train just in case.”

    “And, well, mutant bacteria is mutant bacteria.”

    Honda will give his proposal next week.

     

    *Professor Honda is not affiliated with the Honda Motor Co.

  • More Thefts in Dukes; Police: ‘We Will Stop This’

    More Thefts in Dukes; Police: ‘We Will Stop This’

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    By Packie Williams

    The pressure on the NRPD to end the mysterious Dukes thefts is rising as another spat of homes were robbed yesterday.  In total, 59 homes have been robbed, and the NRPD have classifieds these as robberies.

    “These are without a doubt the work of a superhuman,” said Police Commissioner Trombeau.  “Someone is breaking into people’s homes and stealing their possessions.  We’re not sure who is doing this, but we will stop this.”

    Mayor Lawrence has tasked every police officer in the Downtown and Dukes boroughs with finding any bit of information they can.  “We’re still recovering from the Dino-Day Disaster,” he said, “and this cannot continue when people are trying to get back on their feet.”  When asked if the Peace Force would be asked to join the investigation, Lawrence said, “We haven’t gotten to that level yet.  Some of the smaller, street-level heroes may be on the case as we speak, but I can’t say whether or not that’s happening.”

    The thefts all have left the home owners’ scratching their heads as to how the thief entered their houses and emptied their bank accounts.  Often, they are left in a daze some time after the theft, which may mean their minds or bodies were tampered with in some way.  This would be a powers-based assault, and if convicted, can lead to at least 10 years in prison, depending on severity.

    But the physical assault is no match for the psychological assault.  “I just don’t know how to protect my family, right now,” said Jim Carter-Scholl, whose house was robbed yesterday afternoon.  “Locks and safes didn’t stop this, whatever it was, so I don’t know what to do now.  That’s what really scares me.”

  • Winston National Bank Robbed During Memorial

    Winston National Bank Robbed During Memorial

    By Packie Williams

    While the Peace Force, Mayor Lawrence, and the NRPD were attending the memorial for those lost during the Dino-Day Disaster at Two Rivers Park, Winston National Bank was robbed by four masked men, the first successful big bank robbery in 24 years.

    The masked men did not appear to be part of supervillain’s gang as they were dressed head-to-toe in black.  They rushed into the downtown branch of Winston National Bank with smoke grenades, subduing the security guards.  Civilians were rounded up and tied up to the hand rails on the far side of the bank.  A teller hit the silent alarm, but the subsequent police investigation found that it had been disarmed prior to the robbery.  An explosive was used to open the vault, and the masked men filled their duffel bags with cash and escaped via the alley.

    The robbery lasted just under five minutes.  No police or superhero responded to the incident.

    It was the first successful big bank robbery in New Romford in 24 years.  Many experts thought that bank robberies of this scale were a thing of the past.  “We have so many superheroes in this city,” said NRU criminology professor Carl Cram, “and they always catch the robbers before they escape.  People routinely rob the smaller branch banks out in the suburbs where the superhero presence is lower, but these people timed their hit well.”

    “It’s not a coincidence that they hit this bank during the memorial.”

    Winston National Bank refused to say how much money was stolen, but it is believed to be in the millions.  The NRPD declined to comment on the lack of police response or whether the DDD memorial had any effect on their response time.  The Peace Force stated they had several members patrolling the streets today, but they were “caught up in other activities at the time.”

  • Memorial and Final Funerals

    Memorial and Final Funerals

    By Buffy Bolivar

    President Obama, Mayor Lawrence, Adonis, and several community leaders helmed the memorial service for the victims of the Dino-Day Disaster after the final funeral service.

    The death total reached 92 last week, and all missing citizens have been found.  The final funeral service was held this morning for Gabby Martinez, 32, who died in a collapsed building in Frankton.

    The memorial service was held at Two Rivers Park, near the World War II Memorial.  Pastor Albert Grinds opened up the service with a prayer and a hymn, and he was followed by several other religious and spiritual leaders.  Adonis followed with a short speech praising the virtues of heroism in the face of evil.  “Robert Plank was a bank teller during the day,” he said, “but when turned into an ankylosaurus and surrounded by the Dino Army, he protected his coworkers and the small children in the daycare next door.  He saved their lives, and it cost him his.  That is true heroism.”

    Mayor Lawrence spoke next, promising that New Romford will come back from this tragedy, bigger and better than ever.  Local singer, Shannon McKelvey, sung a song she wrote for the occasion, “Remember the Way”, and then the President ended the memorial with his own speech.

    “In this world of monsters and supervillains,” he said, “we cannot back down in fear of what may happen.  We must act in courage and hope, each and every day.  Tragedy will always be around the next corner, but we must be ready to face it when it comes.”

    A moment of silence followed the President’s speech, and then the National Guard rang a bell ten times to end the memorial.

  • Hellena Wants to Go to Time Court

    Hellena Wants to Go to Time Court

    hellenamugshotwebBy Chase Chapley

    The trial of Hellena has been delayed for another month because the defense asked for a review of the charges.  Primarily, they insist that since Hellena is a time-displaced being that she should be tried in the International Time Court in Paris.

    “A client like mine in a case such as this,” said Hellena’s attorney, “should not be subject to the linear temporal timescape such as our own and which this court represents.  When one is tried for a crime, one is presented before the appropriate court with the appropriate jurisdiction.  As such, my client must be tried before her appropriate court.”

    The International Time Court is reserved for very special occasions wherein the accused has caused harm to the timestream.  It has only be convened on eight occasions before (that we know of), but it could be a risky move for Hellena.  An acquittal here could be easier as the court’s laws are fewer and don’t cover theft, but a conviction would also mean life in prison outside of time (which would be an eternity, theoretically).  Hellena must know the risks and must expect a better chance of acquittal in Time Court if she is asking for this transference.

    The likelihood that this case would be transferred is slim.  The International Time Court chooses its cases on a very strict and individual basis.  Hellena has asked to be tried before them on several instances but has always been denied, mostly because she refuses to wear clothes that fit.

  • Mic-D Benefit Concert Thrills and Spills

    Mic-D Benefit Concert Thrills and Spills

    Mic-D file photo

    By Julia Crumpleman

    WHITE VALLEY – The Mic-D benefit concert for the victims of the Dino-Day Disaster, nicknamed #Mic-DDD on Twitter, went off without much of a hitch.  Until Mic-D came onstage.

    The benefit concert lasted five hours out at the Marias Amphitheatre outside of White Valley.  The venue was not damaged during the DDD as it was outside the radius of the Dino-Ray.  Over 20 musical acts and special guests were there to raise money for the victims of the DDD.  Beyoncé and Jay-Z performed a duet, U2 played a song with Coldplay, and Miley Cyrus twerked her hardest, all paying homage to the victims and their families.

    The main event, though, was the clone of Mic-D performing five songs for the first time on American soil.  The U.S. ban on clones is still in effect, but the Obama Administration made an exception for this case.

    Initially, Mic-D didn’t disappoint.  He performed his first three songs perfectly.  The crowd seemed to have forgotten that he was a clone of a dead man created by his best friend with or without consent from his family.  But when he started performing his fourth song, “D-Lite City,” things started to get sloppy according to those in the front row of the concert.

    “OMG,” said @AerostarMonk on Twitter, “Mic-D is gushing goo from his legs!  #GOO  #Mic-GOO #Mic-DDD”

    “Mic-D is spilling out of his pants, yo!” said @twittername2, on Twitter.  “It’s green and it’s everywhere!  I think I swallowed some!!  #Mic-DDD”

    Event organizers cut the feed as soon as Mic-D started to spill green goo from his legs, and with the broadcast on a tape delay to prevent any mishaps, it never actually made it to air.  But that didn’t stop dozens of people from tweeting pictures of it.  For legal reasons, we cannot show you the pictures, but we have seen them.

    “I don’t even know what that was,” said @LuluGumshoe, who live-tweeted the experience.  “At one point, he’s fine, the next, GREEN GOO EVERYWHERE.  It was like a pair of valves on the back of his legs or ass sprung a leak.  It was GUSHING.”

    “His handlers came out and dragged [him] offstage,” she continued.  “He seemed to go limp.  I guess green goo keeps him alive.”

    Mic-D’s handlers declined to comment on anything, even the health hazard to anyone who came in contact with the green goo.  Several concert-goers reported being sprayed with the goo and not getting much help from the event organizers.  No one has reported any illness so far.

    “This is why you don’t let no clones into your concerts,” said Kanye West, who was upset that he wasn’t invited to perform.  “You go for the real deal, and you get a real show, yo.  Green goo just don’t cut it.  I’m filled with real goo!”