The New Romford Free Press

Category: National

Wheel of Fortune Puzzle Writer Becomes Monster Trying to Combat ‘Writer’s Block’

By Skip Daverman

SAN DIEGO – One of the puzzle writers for Wheel of Fortune was arrested after rampaging across Downtown San Diego due to a negative reaction to illegal superpower drugs.

Bill Sloan, 56, has been writing puzzles for Wheel of Fortune for 23 years and became Head Puzzle Writer in 1999. He’s considered a legend in the game show circuits for his mastery of televised word puzzles, balancing the right combination of consonants and vowels while staying up to date on current trends. But even the best puzzle writers get writer’s block, and to combat his latest bout, he turned to drugs.

“The poor guy was just having on heck of a time,” said Wheel of Fortune host, Pat Sajak. “Bill is usually just so spot on with all his puzzles. I don’t know how he comes up with the Before & Afters. I mean, ‘Artichoke Heart of Darkness’? Pure genius! Who comes up with that other than Bill? No one, that’s who.”

Producers said Sloan, who works remotely from his home in San Diego, hadn’t turned in a new puzzle in months. While they insist he was never in danger of losing his job, they also sensed that Sloan was growing desperate. “Genius just gnaws at you,” said executive producer, Harry Friedman. “And it gnawed at Bill. He just wanted to write one more good puzzle, and he just couldn’t do it. So sad.”

While crew members, producers, Sajak, and co-host Vanna White all contributed puzzles in his absence, Sloan dove deeper into depression (and the show’s ratings started to slide). At some point, he purchased illegal superpower drugs to amplify his brain activity, and today, his brain exploded with ideas. Literally.

Sloan’s superactivated brain gave him so many ideas that they took physical form in the real world. How is not understood right now, but scientists imagine he manipulated light waves to make physical objects from nothing. Dinosaurs, robots, cowboys and Indians, cruise liners, the Rolling Stones, and, for some reason, a Sajak-White fusion creature appeared in Downtown San Diego. The constructs were too much for Sloan to control, so they wreaked havoc all over the place, destroying streets, vehicles, and buildings.

The SDPD tried their best to contain them, but thankfully, Adonis flew in to save the day. His mighty punches and eye beams were enough to destroy the constructs into nothing, and they were all gone in less than a minute. Depowering Sloan was another matter, but after a long talk, Adonis was able to calm him down. It didn’t appear that Sloan knew what he was doing, but the SDPD put a few power dampeners around his head just to be safe.

Sloan was arrested and is being held on several felonies. Meanwhile, Wheel of Fortune vows to move on. “Maybe we can use a few of Bill’s old puzzles,” said Friedman. “You know, just as a tribute to a legend.”

June 16, 2015
Vegas Plans to Build Spaceport

By Stan Hopewell

LAS VEGAS – Las Vegas is a vacation destination for many people, and with the increase in business relations and tourism from space aliens, many of those coming to Vegas are not from Earth. If Vegas has its way, they’ll soon have a spaceport of their own.

“We welcome all visitors to our great city,” said Las Vegas Mayor, Carolyn Goodman. “And we welcome visitors from other worlds, too. No matter what color your skin is, no matter how many eyes you have, no matter if you don’t even have eyes and just sense the world through a mucus membrane that interprets colors and shapes for you somehow, Las Vegas welcomes you.”

The proposed spaceport would be constructed northeast of the city. It would have 20 gates to start out and would be able to double its capacity in the future. Currently, Virgin Galactic and Starlines are the only commercial spaceship lines in talks to support the Vegas spaceport.

But the City of Las Vegas and the State of Nevada face a steep climb to getting approval from the federal government to build a public, commuter spaceport. Currently, only New Romford, Houston, and Cape Canaveral have spaceports, and they’re all run or overseen by the federal government. Space tourism advocates have long lobbied for restrictions to be loosened for new construction.

“We’re losing out on billions of dollars here,” said Jay Mora, Director of the Space Tourism Board. “Aliens are coming to our planet one way or another, usually through legitimate channels, but sometimes they just come here. Some stay here because they fell in love with Earth. We have so much to offer them, even if they’re just here for a few weeks. Do you know that most space aliens don’t know what rock ‘n’ roll is? Or what superheroes are? Or have never seen a canyon that wasn’t filled with skin-dissolving acid? Some planets have plants that literally shoot spikes at you for looking at them funny. Some places are just painful, and they want to relax.”

If the federal government does loosen restrictions, then several cities could follow Vegas’s lead. New York and Los Angeles are obvious contenders for spaceport, but cities like Nashville and Salt Lake City have also expressed interest in bringing in space tourists (the latter is a proposal not by the city but by the Church of Latter Day Saints). So far, the federal government hasn’t commented on Vegas’s proposal.

June 12, 2015
Buzzfeed Creates ‘Disney Princess Team’ to Generate More Disney Princesses Lists

By Julia Crumpleman

NEW YORK – In a bid to keep their place atop the internet with “Disney Princesses as” lists, Buzzfeed has officially created a “Disney Princess Team” to generate more such lists.

“Our team excels at generating lists,” said Buzzfeed CEO, Jonah Peretti, “and our most popular lists are the Disney Princesses lists. They’ve been pop culture icons, they’ve been superheroes, they’ve had realistic hair and waistlines, they’ve been Game of Thrones, they’ve been so many things, but it’s not enough. Our audience’s thirst for more Disney Princesses lists is insatiable, so with that, we’ve created a dedicated team of highly skilled individuals to generate more lists about Disney Princesses.”

“And yes, they’re already working on a list as to which Disney Princess they, the new team, all are, so we’ve got that one covered.”

Buzzfeed’s home page regularly contains at least three list articles about what Disney Princess would look like as bears or My Little Pony characters or whatever other random pop culture thing is in the current zeitgeist. Considering they make money based on traffic, it stands to reason that having more of these types of lists would be good for business.

“Based on what I can see,” said Mike Perrera, a freelance social media columnist, “Buzzfeed generates 10% of their income from Disney Princess lists. That’s a lot. They’re a huge website with lots of articles, like hundreds of new articles a week. And they make 10% of their income off of what Jasmine looks like as a rock and what Mulan’s Gemsona would look like. Pretty soon Disney is going to want a cut of that.”

“But seriously, Disney Princesses as ‘lukewarm bowls of water’? How is this a thing?”

Disney only commented that they were “looking into the matter,” but as it could be interpreted as parody, there may not be much they can do. Regardless, Buzzfeed doesn’t seem too worried, about Disney or about oversaturation.

“People say they’ve had enough of these lists,” said Peretti, “but people keep coming back. And in this market, we have to give people what they want.”

Peretti would not give the names of the new “Disney Princess Team,” but sources inside Buzzfeed say that they were not given a choice about their participation. They are also expected to generate three lists a day and aren’t allowed to leave the office until they do so, graphics and all.

Peretti declined to comment on this, though he was said to be spending a lot of time at his desk lately, sitting silently, staring off into the distance since forming the team.

June 9, 2015
Dr. Amazing Assures Mulitverse Isn’t Collapsing

By Packie Williams

Dr. Amazing (file photo)

Despite wild speculation from fringe news sources, Dr. Amazing assured the public that the multiverse is not collapsing in on itself.

“I know some of my colleagues have been putting out dire warnings here and there,” said Dr. Amazing, “but they’re drawing too steep a conclusion from a small sample size. Yes, some alternate universes have disappeared, but this is a natural occurrence. They either escape detection, or they get merged with other universes, or yes, they sometimes die. Nothing has changed so dramatically though to merit such a sweeping conclusion.”

In the past few weeks, several scientists from New York and London have detected a decrease in the number of alternate universes they normally keep tabs on everyday. Led by Professor Richard Reeds of the Hayden Planetarium, the scientists monitor the specific frequencies and resonances of over 1,000 alternate universes. In the past three months, 24 have disappeared altogether.

“This is very troubling,” said Reeds. “Some universes just blipped out all of a sudden, and then we had a string of five go out one right after another. I’m not trying to alarm anyone, but well, this is alarming. The disturbing part is that we have no idea what’s causing this.”

Reeds, however, denied that he claimed the multiverse was collapsing in on itself. “That’s absurd,” he said. “We’d have to see a higher, more consistent rate of collapse than this, but it is cause for concern. What if our universe is next? We have no way of knowing.”

Dr. Amazing and ATOM Labs also monitor alternate universes, and while they don’t dispute Reeds’s findings, they don’t like how he’s spreading fear to news outlets.

“Professor Reeds is a good scientist,” said Dr. Amazing, “but he likes to exaggerate. He says these things, and news outlets pick it up with little understanding of what’s actually going on. He’s going on about superheroes in other universes battling out with different versions of themselves as if he can actually see that happening.”

“No matter what he says, our universes aren’t folding together like if you ‘smooshed two pizzas together’,” said Dr. Amazing. “That’s just absurd.”

June 5, 2015
‘Reboot Man’ Caught Impersonating Muskrat

File photo of Denver in his previous identity, North-Star

By Buffy Borgeron

NEW YORK – Clayman, the superhero more commonly known as “Reboot Man” for the numerous “reboots” he’s experienced, was caught in New York today impersonating fellow superhero Muskrat while stopping a convenience store robbery in Brooklyn.

Denied membership in several superhero teams months ago, Ray Denver, now known as Clayman, has been struggling to make a living as a superhero. He declared he would patrol the Northeast, presumably as himself, to build up his profile. Nowhere did he mention he would impersonate other superheroes.

“Ray sometimes morphs into a known superhero to catch bad guys off guard,” read a statement from Denver’s “team,” though most experts believe Denver wrote it himself. “When he does this, it’s just for strategic purposes. Eventually, his clay powers manifest in battle, and it becomes evident that he is Clayman. That is all.”

But the superhero community isn’t buying it. In the past two weeks, there have been several incidents of the superheroes Titana, Muskrat, Professor Stratosphere, Tara Target, and others in New York and Philadelphia, cities these superheroes don’t typically visit.

“It damages our reputation,” said Tara Target from the Quinton School for Young Superheroes. “People will only see part of the battle, and they’ll see me or the Muskrat, and they’ll think it’s us. It wouldn’t be so bad except that Clayman is such a terrible fighter. He puts innocent bystanders in danger on a regular basis. At the school here, our first lesson is to protect the innocent even at the cost to yourself or capturing the criminal. We drill that into everyone everyday, and Clayman completely disregards that.”

These incidents have sent 13 people to the hospital for various injuries. The New York and Philadelphia police departments have put out warrants for Titana and Muskrat, respectively, for their supposed incidents, but given the recent revelation that Clayman has been impersonating superheroes, those warrants have now shifted to Denver.

The incident that revealed Denver’s tactics happened last night when he attempted to stop a robbery of a Brooklyn convenience store. Surveillance cameras show him morphing into Muskrat and barging into the store. The assailants fired at “Muskrat,” and he absorbed the bullets and spat them back. The bullets hit the assailants knocking them onto the ground but also hit a bystander in the back of the store. Everyone survived, but “Muskrat” ran away from the store before police could arrive.

The real Muskrat could not be reached for comment, but his lawyer has said his client is “very disappointed in his fellow superhero”.

May 29, 2015
Speedster Defeats Dimension-Hopping Tortoise

By Buffy Bolivar

NEW YORK – Longtime Speedster supervillain The Tortoise gave his archnemesis a run for her money today by hopping through multiple dimensions before finally being defeated on Ellis Island.

The Tortoise, a.k.a. Mortimer Tortois, has been antagonizing Speedster for the past 40 years, starting with the second Speedster of the 60s, 70s, and 80s. With each new iteration, Tortois has found a way by science or magic to speed himself up or slow Speedster down. This time, he had an experimental device implanted into his mechanical shell that allowed him to hop through dimensions, mimicking super speed via bending spacetime.

“It really did look like he was super fast,” said Bryan Armstrong, who witnessed the beginning and ending of the encounter on Ellis Island. “One moment, blip, he’s gone, and the next he’s right next to Speedster. It was really weird. An old fat dude with a giant metal turtle shell shouldn’t be able to move that fast.”

The incident began on Ellis Island with The Tortoise dropping down in his giant Tortoise Copter and spitting out fire from its four “legholes”. The fire dispersed the crowd, and when The Tortoise emerged, Speedster was waiting for him. She had received his message.

According to witnesses, Speedster immediately ran to The Tortoise, but he disappeared before she could lay a hand on him. The Tortoise reappeared on the other side of the island, called out to Speedster. She ran towards him, and again, he disappeared. This sequence repeated itself a few more times until The Tortoise began to attack Speedster. After a few blows, Speedster “ran away”, and The Tortoise thought he had won. But Speedster had apparently run around the Earth to approach The Tortoise from behind. Once she tackled him, they both disappeared.

Thus far, Speedster and the NYPD are not saying where the two went, but given that they both returned to Ellis Island an hour later in different, but similar, clothes, it’s likely they went to different dimensions. The device, coming from a research lab at MIT, has been reported to be a dimension traveling apparatus that was stolen last night. Sources at MIT have confirmed the energy signature of The Tortoise match that of the device.

Why Speedster and The Tortoise were wearing clothes with Jared from Subway on them is unknown. Presumably, they spent time in a dimension where Jared from Subway is their king.

Tortois has been arrested, the device has been secured and turned off, and the mechanical turtle shell has been dismantled. Speedster has not indicated whether her new variant costume will stick around.

April 7, 2015
Henchmen Abandon Golden Age Supervillain in Battle for Being Racist, Sexist

By Stan Hopewell

NEW YORK – The Golden Age supervillain, the Sinister Sneaker, terrorized much of Manhattan during the 30s and 40s. After spending 20 years in prison, the Sinister Sneaker, a.k.a. Jules Fanning, retired from villainy to run a successful shoe chain in the 70s and 80s. Apparently, the villainy hadn’t retired as he returned today with new henchmen intent on attacking Times Square.

The henchmen abandoned him ten minutes into the fight after he made several racist and sexist remarks.

“I guess I don’t know what to expect when we were out in public,” said Jason McCoy, one of the henchmen who willingly turned himself into police. “The guy’s a legend in our world, so we were all just happy to work with him. But the dude’s super old, and I didn’t even realize until it was too late that every henchmen was a white guy. That probably should’ve tipped me off.”

Speedster

The Sinister Sneaker, riding a hover chair and hooked up to an oxygen tank, led his crew into Times Square to destroy property with laser rifles and magnetic gloves. The Sneaker was hooked up to a loud speaker on his chair and started monologging. His exact words weren’t recorded, but several witnesses and henchmen remember him talking about “the excess of the future” and “hard work turned us into real men”. Then, he began to address the crowd.

“Look, I was all onboard for blasting stuff,” said another henchmen, Paul Barton, who also turned himself in to police. “But I was not onboard for any of the stuff he said. First, he made some comment about a black guy with a white woman. They were a couple, I guess, and that made him mad. Then he saw some Latino dudes, and that was just awful. Then he saw some girls using their phones to take pictures of him and started ranting about women not taking him seriously or whatever.”

“I’m not going to repeat what he said, but dude, it was bad,” said Barton. “I was done after that. So was everyone else. This guy may be a legend, but he’s old as [expletive], and I was done.”

Half of the henchmen turned themselves over to the police. This was before Speedster arrived on the scene, and she was able to round up the rest who ran. The Sinister Sneaker continued his rampage by himself for about two minutes before Speedster dismantled his hover chair. He was met with a chorus of boos from the crowd, not for attacking them but for his comments.

“Psh, a supervillain attacks Times Square is boring,” said Speedster. “No one pays attention to that crap, but racist old codgers, yeah, [expletive] that noise.”

March 6, 2015