The New Romford Free Press

Category: National

  • Dinosaur Queen T-Rex Caught Trying to Escape in Cargo Container

    Dinosaur Queen T-Rex Caught Trying to Escape in Cargo Container

    mt

    By Skip Daverman

    BOZEMAN, Montana – One of the Dinosaur Queen’s T-Rexes was caught by the Rocky Mountain Ranger inside the Museum of the Rockies after traveling thousands of miles in a cargo container.

    The T-Rex, a general in the Dinosaur Queen’s army according to its armor, was apparently riding in a cargo container of a train ever since the Dino-Day Disaster in New Romford.  It was not clear how it got itself into the container in the first place, or how a 15-foot tall dinosaur evaded detection for all these weeks, but it appeared that it was trying to get to the west coast.

    The train that carried the T-Rex made a stop at the railyards in Laurel, Montana, about 10 miles west of Billings.  The train had made a routine pit stop that lasted 30 minutes when a cargo container began to twitch.  “They’re not supposed to twitch,” said Mark Engelman, the train’s engineer.  “Then it rattled and came off its base and fell on the ground, and then poof!  Out came a dinosaur!”

    Using its powerful legs, the T-Rex busted open the back end of its container and wiggled out.  Once free, it let out a thunderous roar that could be heard for miles away.  It chased after every human it saw but thankfully was too impoverished to run straight.  Witnesses said it looked hungry.  Someone fired a shotgun at it, and the T-Rex charged them, unharmed by the shotgun spray.  When the police arrived, the T-Rex ran away.

    After tearing through a local Walmart, eating half of the meat in the deli, the T-Rex busted out the back door, evading police once again.  “I’ve never seen a T-Rex run so fast,” said John Harmon, a Walmart employee.  “Then again, I’ve never seen a T-Rex run, period.  It must’ve been running 40 mph.”

    Storming through Laurel and crushing a few houses along the way, the T-Rex ran westward along I-90 for several miles before running along the Yellowstone River.  The police, highway patrol, and, by now, the National Guard were all in pursuit, but the dinosaur went down a ravine and was lost for several hours.  The Rocky Mountain Ranger rode in from stopping a Grizzly bear uprising in Wyoming to assist on the search, and his flying robot horse, Gallatin, proved more effective.  The Ranger found fresh dinosaur tracks, leading to the city of Bozeman, about 140 miles west of Laurel.

    The Ranger and the National Guard flushed the T-Rex out of the forest into the open.  Even with his unbreakable metallic lasso, the Ranger wasn’t able to hogtie the dinosaur.  It flung its tail back at the Ranger, sending the superhero backwards several hundred feet.  The T-Rex continued running, eventually making its way to the Museum of the Rockies on the Montana State University campus, where it attempted to blend in with the displays of dinosaur bones.

    “That was its mistake, partner,” said the Ranger.  “None of them varmints has any skin or muscles and whatnot.  It was more than easy to spot him.  Also, he got angry at see all them dead dino bones.  Maybe one of them was his cousin or something.”

    While Gallatin distracted the T-Rex, the Ranger snuck in from behind to hogtie the dinosaur, and this time, he was successful.  Along with some knock-out gas from his belt, the Ranger subdued the T-Rex.  The National Guard hauled the beast away, and despite the general fright experienced by the majority of residents in this small town, the Museum’s paleontologists were ecstatic.

    “I’ve never seen an actual living dinosaur before,” said Professor Mary Diaz.  “It was so exciting!  I mean, sure, I was afraid that it would eat me when it was running around, but it was a living, breathing dinosaur!  I’ve never felt so alive!”

  • Laika Moved to Siberia

    Laika Moved to Siberia

    Laikaweb

    By Skip Daverman

    MOSCOW – The giant space dog Laika has been relocated to the wilds of Siberia, where she can destroy the countryside in peace without harming “anything of value”, according to the Russian government.

    After destroying a farm outside of Moscow, the Russian government needed to move Laika to some other place for further study.  The farm was all but destroyed, and its fields will take years of work just to make them usable again.  One day, she got loose from the scientists and began marking her territory in a nearby town, nearly drowning the townsfolk.  She needed to be moved to an empty expanse of land where no human would want to live.

    Luckily, Russia has Siberia and lots of it.  President Putin told the people of the Sakha Republic to vacate if they wish because a giant space dog was moving in.  The Sakha Republic is a section of Russia with a little over 950,000 people within an area roughly one-third the size of the United States.  Needless to say, it’s sparse.   The Russian government hopes to contain Laika within the northern regions of Sakha as it is even more remote, which is saying something for Siberia.

    This time, Ural rounded Laika into a giant carrying case and flew her to her new home.  With the extra space, Laika should be able to roam freely while scientists study her, and she can chase Siberian tigers and create new slobber ponds to her heart’s content.

  • Trump Physically Emancipates Hair from Head

    Trump Physically Emancipates Hair from Head

    trumpsmallBy Falco Rockbert

    NEW YORK – In a bizarre turn in a long-running saga of bizarre turns, Donald Trump has physically emancipated the hair creature from the top of his head.  In public, no less.

    Trump’s hair sued Trump a week ago, surprising practically everyone because it was not known that Trump’s hair was a sentient creature.  It revealed as much to the world, and that’s its name is Jimmy Gold.  It also revealed, via lawsuit, that it was a part owner in The Trump Organization for many years.  The lawsuit contends that Trump “grossly mismanaged” the company in his many failed attempts to disparage President Obama.  It wants monetary reparations and emancipation from Trump’s head.

    While neither Gold nor Trump made any comment after the announcement, they were attached to one another.  Trump hadn’t made any public appearances yet (and thus, neither had Gold), but sources inside of Trump Tower indicate that the two had be fighting ever since.  Today, Trump and Gold were out on the sidewalk in front of Trump Tower, just about to enter a car, when an argument overtook them.

    Trump reportedly yelled and pointed into his reflection in the window so that he could look Gold directly into what are presumably its eyes or face.  Gold flapped itself up and down, and somehow that was how he yelled back.  For nearly ten minutes they fought.  Naturally, a crowd formed around them, and many people pulled out their phones to record the incident.

    The fight ended when Trump ripped Gold from his head, threw it onto the ground, and said, “You’re fired!”  The crowd roared as Trump entered his car and Gold ran from the scene with little feet made of hair.

    Neither side would comment on the fight, but it’s clear that Gold will have to revise its lawsuit, possibly adding wrongful termination to its list of complaints.

  • Twin Cities Returning to Normal

    Twin Cities Returning to Normal

    magnilrem

    By Skip Daverman

    MINNEAPOLIS – After the month-long nightmare of the sentient bickering mouths, the Twin Cities are finally returning to normal, and making some money along the way.

    The damage caused by the mouths, which became sentient due to the evil sorcerer, Nilrem, was not as extensive as previously thought.  The damage to the infrastructure was limited.  Only about 30 streets in both cities combined needed repairs, and surprisingly, around 120 buildings were damages with only 9 critically damaged.  The windows all across the Twin Cities needed the most repairs, but most residents were grateful for that.

    “I really thought my home was destroyed,” said Robert Mathis, who lives less than a mile from downtown Minneapolis.  “Those mouths were so loud.  I thought for sure the sound waves would’ve just crushed everything, but all I came home to was a couple of broken windows and a bent storm drain.  Talk about lucky.”  Unlike Kansas, Magicimo could not reverse the damage with a spell.  A reversal spell would need to be cast within 24 hours of the original spell to work.

    With everyone returning home, the Twin Cities have not only gotten back to work but also have started capitalizing on their plight.  Both cities have commissioned artists to paint an outline of where the mouths were, and once done, they’ll place plaques along the way to preserve this unique piece of history.  They’ve even proposed to make each site a National Historical Site, but a decision on that isn’t expected until at least next year.

    Furthermore, to help generate some revenue and to mitigate the revenue they lost from this disaster, both cities are offering helicopter tours so people can see the “mouths” from up in the sky.  “It’s been really popular,” said St. Paul pilot Jon Francis.  “When you get up in the air, you really get a sense of just how big those things were.  Sometimes I like to spook them by rumbling into my headset.  Heh, really sounds like they’re coming back to the passengers.”

    And in other Nilrem news, the Chicago Cubs returned to Wrigley Field, playing their first home game in months.  So far, no one has noticed that they’ve returned.

  • ‘Reboot Man’ Denied Membership into Superteams for Being ‘Weird’

    ‘Reboot Man’ Denied Membership into Superteams for Being ‘Weird’

    rebootman
    Old photo of Ray Denver as North-Star

     

    by Stan Hopewell

    Ray Denver, the superhero commonly referred to as “Reboot Man,” has had a difficult life when he gained his superpowers several years ago.  Now, the veteran cannot land a job with a superteam.

    “This is pure discrimination,” said Denver, now going by the alias Clayman and exhibiting shapeshifting powers.  “Just because I’m a shapeshifter they think I’m a villain.  The Peace Force has at least three shapeshifters, so why am I being shunned by them?”

    The shapeshifters on the Peace Force are limited in their abilities.  Techno-Man can turn into electrical equipment, Orgo can transform into animals in a pink hue, and Super Stretcher can morph his body into most objects but cannot fully change his appearance.  In other words, none is a true shapeshifter by the UN Security Council definitions, whose legal definitions are used worldwide.

    Denver still believes he can pass any series of tests a superteam wants to know he’s not a villain.  “They can keep me on the reserve squad for a year to keep an eye on me,” he said.  “I’ll wear an ankle bracelet, have a computer chip implanted into me, I’ll let them read my mind once a week.  I just want to prove my mettle.”

    He also needs a paycheck.  Denver hasn’t been employed either as a superhero or a civilian in three years, and reportedly, has massive amounts of debt from his research trip to Alpha Centauri.  In the past three months, he’s been turned away from the Peace Force, the Amazings, SuperSeven, the Quinton School (for a teaching position), The Good Guys, and, curiously, QTpi’s, the all 16-under girls superteam.  “He was really weird,” said Mighty Mary, the 10 year-old leader.  “And super gross and old!  We don’t want weirdoes on our team.”

    Denver is considering legal action against the Peace Force and some other superteams, assuming he can find a lawyer to work pro-bono.  In the meantime, Clayman will patrol the streets of New York, New Romford, Philadelphia, and Boston in an effort to increase his “brand”.  “I’m just going to have to do this like the old days,” he said.  “I just need to get out on the streets and help the people.  That’s the only way I can prove myself.”

    “And if companies want to advertise on me, I’m open to that, too.  Just putting that out there.”

  • Mayors Ask for Help as LA Gridlock Spreads

    Mayors Ask for Help as LA Gridlock Spreads

    lagridlockby Buffy Bolivar

    LOS ANGELES — The gridlock that is plaguing the Los Angeles metropolitan area has spread to include nearly all of the freeways and major thoroughfares.  The growth has forced mayors of all the cities to ask for help.

    “We need the National Guard, the Peace Force, the Amazings, and anybody else with superpowers,” said LA Mayor Eric Garcetti.  “Our lives have effectively ground to a halt.  Our citizens can’t get to work, to their families and friends, or even their homes.  We need help.”

    Twenty-five mayors echoed the sentiments of Garcetti in a joint conference call to the Governor and President.  The call was broadcast online from each of their offices as they could not physically be in the same room.

    Even if the National Guard, Peace Force, or the Amazings were to help, it will be difficult to know where to start.  “Just look at this mess,” said KTLA traffic reporter Sally Martinez.  Via Skype, she showed the hundreds of red strings on an LA map in a news conference.  “Usually, it’s just a few spots here and there, but the traffic jams are literally everywhere.  I have no idea how to untangle this mess without just picking up all the vehicles and moving them somewhere.  There are millions of vehicles on these roads.”

    “I don’t know how we unclog this mess.  I don’t suppose there’s a teleporter on the Peace Force, is there?”

    For its part, the West Coast Peace Force is still up in space dealing with “an unknown intergalactic threat” according to the WCPF spokesperson.  The New Romford-based Peace Force said they’re “monitoring the situation and will help as time allows.”  The Amazings were not home at the moment, according to the Grainger Tower answering machine.

    President Obama and Governor Jerry Brown have already stated their commitment to helping, but for now, they’re not sending in ground forces so as to not exacerbate the problem.  The National Guard has offered to airlift people to their homes via helicopters, something hospital helicopters have been doing for sick residents.

    Some superpowered residents have assisted in small ways as well.  A man with ice powers has provided water to people stuck along the 5 and 605, and a woman with bat wings has flown a few people home in Anaheim.  Thankfully, no looting has occurred.  “Where would looters haul their stuff anyway?” said Martinez.  “Sure, they could steal a TV, but good luck getting across any of the four streets blocking your path home.”

    But it’s not all good fortune.  The Terminator Gangs have taken control of the Los Angeles River, which is mostly dry at this time of the year, as it resembles the spillway scene from Terminator 2.  This has effectively cut off another avenue for citizens to travel.  And the Na’vi Nation, the other James Cameron-inspired street gang, who have painted their bodies blue and run around in loincloths, have infected the various wooded parts of the LA area.  Since they’re prone to jump around tall objects, they’re less centralized and have popped up in hundreds of spots.  Both groups have terrorized anyone who enters their territory, and their territory seems to change by the hour.

    “I don’t know what to do,” said Pasadena resident, Idara Montero.  “I found three blue people hanging around in the trees behind my house, and they yelled at my husband when he asked them to go away.  Then they shot arrows at him, screaming some nonsense about Home Tree.  Now, we just leave them alone and hope they move on.”

    “Seriously, I hate James Cameron movies.”

  • Broken Water Main Melts Coven of Witches

    Broken Water Main Melts Coven of Witches

    By Muffy Borgeron

    PHILADELPHIA – A break in a water main did more than flood homes last night.  It also caught a coven of witches by surprise, melting them in the process.

    A sudden spike in water pressure caused a water main to break under N. 4th Street in the Northern Liberties neighborhood of Philadelphia.  No one knows what caused the spike, but the break flooded the dozens of homes during the night.  One unlucky home belonged to Mary Wittenberg and her sister Larissa Wittenberg, both of whom were witches.  Last night, they were hosting a get-together with several of their fellow witches.

    “We were just having fun,” said Mary Wittenberg.  She survived the flood, but lost her right leg in the process.  “We were watching the Twilight movies and making fun of them, getting a little drunk.  And then we did a little witch business, made some potions, and cast some spells.  Just a normal night.  We were in the middle of a séance when it happened.”

    Once the water burst through their air vents, it was too late for several of the witches.  According to Wittenberg, witches do not normally melt in water.  It’s only when a witch is in a heightened spiritual state, like when in a séance, does water corrode their flesh.  “That’s why we wear wide-brimmed hats,” she said.  “And also, we usually cast a spell to protect ourselves from water, but this, we weren’t prepared for this.”

    Three witches died by melting, and their names are being held back until the authorities have time to tell their families about the incident.  Mary and her sister, Larissa, both survived, each losing a limb to the water.  Two other witches survived, one losing an arm and a leg to flood.

    The horrifying incident has rattled the neighborhood.  The coven was well-known in Northern Liberties not just for their potions and spell, which they sold on the streets, but also for being good neighbors.  “They helped us when a storm took out the power,” said Loretta Stephens.  “They cast some sort of spell to reattach the wires to bring back the power, and they gave my cousin a potion to relieve his chronic back pain.  Those girls are good girls.  I don’t care if they’re witches.  They’re good people, and it’s just a tragedy.”

    City officials were able to shut off water to the broken main within five minutes and are looking into the cause of the break.  It’s also likely that the city will be sued for a wrongful death lawsuit though the city ordinances regarding melting are ambiguous.