The New Romford Free Press

Category: Space

  • Intergalactic Super Spaceway Being Discussed Between Galaxies

    Intergalactic Super Spaceway Being Discussed Between Galaxies

    By Karna Firaliz

    ANNNKN PLANET – An intergalactic super spaceway is being discussed between seven empires across four galaxies.  If this project is completed, it would be the largest known transportation route in the known universe.

    The JNNKO Empire on ANNNKN Planet is proposing the super spaceway, dubbed SS1.  The JNNKO Empire spreads over 200 star systems in the Andromeda Galaxy and is by far the richest empire in the Local Group (a cluster of galaxies including the Milky Way and Andromeda as well as several smaller galaxies).  Currently, they use a system of spaceways between their planets and neighboring empires, but they are growing old and worn out, and they have begun to gather stray asteroids.  SS1 would create a gigantic open spaceway that would replace many of those old systems and also connect the Andromeda and Milky Way Galaxies.

    But there are several obstacles.  The first is cost.  Clearing out space in outer space should be inexpensive as there is a lot of empty space in outer space.  But these old spaceways aren’t very empty.  There’s heavy traffic between planets, military space stations, satellites, moons, space debris, asteroids, and comets, not to mention dark matter.  They all take up space, and any new spaceway, especially one as large as SS1, would have to secure even more space.

    Right now, the JNNKO Empire is offering to pay for one-fourth of the cost, which is no small feat considering the empire is deep in debt.  The 34th Xim Empire at the outer edge of the Andromeda Galaxy is on board with the project, but they are even more in debt than the JNNKOs.  The Mongolians (an empire who share a name with an Earth nation by coincidence) of the Pegasus Galaxy is also hesitant to spend money on a JNNKOian project after the previous JNNKOian emperor, PLNNNKO, vomited at one of their state dinners.  Vomiting Mongolian food is a serious faux pas in their society, and relations between the two empires has been rocky ever since.

    The second obstacle is the proposed route for SS1.  Right now, it would involve destroying several moons across 26 different solar systems, and conservationists have been voicing their grievances.  Several moons have ecosystems of their own along with endangered species.  Klop 5 of planet Succop is home to the last living Miketan, a self-replicating 60-foot tall animal that resembles an Earth panda.  They replicate once every 20 years, and the last Miketan hasn’t replicated in 8 years.

    The final obstacle will, of course, be the S’Tok Planet.  The S’Toks’ religion involves a unique form of solipsism.  They believe every other planet other than their own exists solely within their minds and not reality, despite the fact they’ve interacted with the JNNNKOs and Mongolians on a daily basis for centuries.  Getting them to invest in SS1 will be difficult.  Any treaty will have to include a provision that all over planets apart from S’Tok don’t actually exist, and that provision will probably have to be written by an S’Tok.

    Negotiations are expected to last for the next two or three Earth years.  SS1 would essentially connect over 6,000 planets across four galaxies.  It is projected to generate and extra 35% is GDP for each empire over the next Earth century.

  • Dual-Star System Declares Itself Its Own Galaxy

    Dual-Star System Declares Itself Its Own Galaxy

    Regis5web

    by Karna Firaliz

    GRAND AR’KA QUADRANT — In a surprising and puzzling move from the Grand Ar’ka quadrant of the Andromeda Galaxy, the dual-star solar system of Regis-5 has formally declared itself to be its own galaxy.

    “We have multiple stars and multiple planets,” read the declaration from the Council of Regis-M’Ka, “so by definition, we meet the requirements of galaxy status.  From this day forward, we respectfully ask that everyone refer to us by the Regis-5 Galaxy.”

    The definition of galaxy in the universal dictionary does state “a galaxy is any system of multiple stars and multiple planets that inhabit a large universal space.”  Indeed, the Regis-5 solar system does have two stars at its heart and 14 planets, and it is at least four times as large as the Earth’s solar system, but convincing other planets to call it a galaxy is going to be difficult.

    “This is stupid,” said Prince Ko Mak Oh of the Loq Kingdom, a neighbor of the Regis-5 system.  “Are they serious?  These Regis-5 morons are the stupidest stupid hogs that ever hogged*.”

    Prince Oh’s sentiments were shared by many regents in the Andromeda Galaxy but more eloquently stated.  Queen Orfeel of the Trimorians called it “a ridiculous notion by an inferior star system.”  Prime Minister Y’lop of Hrink said that Regence-5 was “attempting a power-grab of some sort” and “at best, this is just a rebranding.”  And the Cortasi Grand Leader, who remains nameless, said, “I don’t care what they call themselves.  I will eat out their eyes if they come near me**.”

    The consensus among the rest of the Andromeda Galaxy is that Regis-5 is rebranding their solar system as a marketing strategy.  The economy of the system has been declining in the past decade, and galaxies tend to bring in greater economic opportunities than single solar systems.  “It’s a brilliant idea,” said Makii Q, economist from Loq Kingdom Academy of Hogs***.  “Businesses want to brag about how many galaxies they are in, and this could be an easy hog for them to plunder with very little overhead.”

    Currently, there is no committee or pangalactic council that designates what is and what isn’t a galaxy.  If the new designation sticks, several more solar systems may follow suit.  “Then what?” said Prince Oh.  “Everyone’s going to be a hogging galaxy?  Hey, guess what, my hand is a galaxy now!  My [expletive] is galaxy!  My six [expletives] are now the [expletive] Galaxy of Prince Oh’s [expletives]!”

     

    * The Loq language is difficult to translate to English.  The word “hog” here is an approximation of the original word.
    ** The Cortasi are an aggressive race that only eat eyes for food.
    *** The Loq language contains words not found in English, so “Hogs” in this case is the closest assemblage of sounds for this word.

  • Titan Adds Rings to Saturn to Make It Look ‘More Fit’

    saturnweb

    By Karna Firaliz

    TITAN, Saturn – The inhabitants of Saturn’s moon, Titan, has begun adding rings to its host planet in an effort to make Saturn look “more fit and less fat”.

    The Titans have always been an image conscious planetoid, according the project director, Fayance Digoro.  “We, Titans, always want to look the best,” she said.  “We’re always on the cutting edge of fashion in the Milky Way, and quite frankly, Saturn is need of a makeover.  So what do you do with a makeover?  Why, you accessorize, darling!”

    Digoro has imported the shiniest rocks from the asteroid belt and embedded them with even more shiny rocks so that “they will sparkle throughout the cosmos”.  Once they have been buffed 77 times (per Digoro’s demands), they are added the outer-most ring of Saturn.  The beautification project is expected to take over four Earth years to complete and cost millions of Titan dinars.

    But not every Titan is supportive of the project.  “We have schools and hospitals to build,” said vocal opposition leader, Gravity Plom Plom.  “Our roads are rotting, and the spaceway we’re building to Earth and Mars still hasn’t gotten past Jupiter.    We have other concerns apart from making Saturn look thinner.  Just ridiculous.”

    Digoro hasn’t been fazed by the criticisms.  “Honestly, darling, they need a self esteem boost,” she said.  “Plus, once we make Saturn so much more beautiful, this will make Titan the best place for tourism.  We’ll have the best view of the shiniest rings on the thinnest planet out there!  The money generated from this will pay for everything else.”

    It should be noted that the sentient species of Saturn and the other moons were not consulted for this project.  Saturnians, a less-developed race, said they didn’t think they looked fat but will now watch what they eat in the future.

  • Welcome Our New Space Correspondent, Karna Firaliz

    Welcome Our New Space Correspondent, Karna Firaliz

    By Chase Chapley

    The New Romford Free Press started in 1976 with the purpose of bringing you the most important, well-informed news that affected the New Romford metropolitan area.  As we’ve grown over the years, our coverage has spread across the country and across the world.  Being the epicenter of superhuman activity has brought us many unique stories, and we do our best to report them as they happen, even if that’s difficult to do.  Whether it’s covering Atlantis, magical realms, giant monsters, or run-of-the-mill megalomaniacal supervillains, we will be there.

    But there’s been one area that we have not covered because we’ve never been there.  It is space.  The increased superhuman activity on Earth has made interaction with species from other planets more and more common.  From the Zrat War of 1958 to the Winmac-Paternius X Research Pact of 1984, Earthlings have become important players in the cosmos.  The UN estimates that over 7,000 aliens now reside on our planet, and that number is expected to rise over time.

    For the past few years, we’ve discussed how we should increase our coverage of other planets.  With advances in space communication, it is now possible to hear about events millions of light years away (albeit still with a time lag).  We tried devoting one reporter to space activities, but that became impossible with so many Earth stories to report.  We needed outside help.  We needed someone who lived on another planet.

    It is with great pleasure that we here at the New Romford Free Press welcome our new Space Correspondent, Karna Firaliz!  Karna is a Minaxian journalist from the Ionnia Solar System within the Andromeda Galaxy.  Growing up on the planet Minax, Karna had a knack for writing about his daily events in his light journal, which would always upset his maternal unit.  (Minaxians, during his youth, were raised by cybernetic Minaxians rather than their birth parents.  This practice has been slowly discontinued in the last 30 Earth years.)

    When he turned 543 in Minaxian years (about 23 Earth years), Karna entered Qorr Morr Lornirro, a prestigious university specializing in the light sciences, as much of Minaxian society is run on various wavelengths of light.  But Karna grew disinterested with his studies and began writing.  He joined a local news agency and moved his way up to Senior Editor at the Vro Gorr, a widely-read news service on Minax.  He also met his companion, Janorr, at the Vro Gorr and has three children with her.

    Karna will be reporting for the Vro Gorr and for us as well using an English translator program developed by Dr. Amazing.  He has not visited Earth yet but has interviewed the Peace Force when they visited his planet in 1997 and 2002.  The Peace Force noted that his English was very good, but Karna will also rely on us to help him when needed.

    Please welcome Karna Firaliz with open arms!  We can’t wait for his first report.