The New Romford Free Press

Category: Sports

  • Derrick Rose Denies Using Legs from Clone

    Derrick Rose Denies Using Legs from Clone

    By Dash Hamley

    CHICAGO – Chicago Bulls guard, Derrick Rose, who has battled several knee injuries over the past couple years, denied accusations that he’s using the legs of a clone in his latest comeback.

    “It’s just ridiculous,” said Rose.  “I’ve worked so hard to come back from surgery.  It’s one thing to be accused of using steroids, but this doesn’t even make sense.”

    The accusation came from many in the locker room and the news room.  Players from both the Bulls and opposing teams noticed how smoothly Rose has been playing in his first few preseason games.  He was playing “like he had fresh legs,” according to one player, and that got the ball bouncing so to speak.

    “He was a little hesitant when he came back from his first knee surgery,” said Charles Randall, local Bulls beat reporter.  “He took a whole year off from basketball just to be sure, but even still, you could tell he was cautious.  Then he got hurt again.  I wouldn’t blame him if he did clone himself and then chop off those fresh legs and sew them to his body.  Hell, I would if I had the money.”

    The procedure of sewing limbs to another person’s body goes back to at least the 19th century when Dr. Frankenstein first created his monster.  In the last two hundred years, the procedure, known as Frankenstein Surgery, has certainly progressed but has also been only performed in certain countries or on the black market.  As one might imagine, finding the spare limbs is the main sticking point.  Even allowing people to donate their limbs like they donate their organs is seen only as a little less monstrous, mostly due to the Frankenstein connection.

    As for Rose the accusation gained steam when a pair of pictures surfaced in the last two days.  Each showed the scars on his knees, but each picture seemed to show the scars in slightly different places on his knees.  “It kind of looks like makeup if you look at it a certain way,” said Laura Collins, another local Bulls beat reporter.  “And of course, he’s wearing knee braces while he plays so that it could cover up any smudging while he plays.  You could make a case for it, certainly.”

    The NBA, which takes cheating very seriously, wouldn’t comment directly but is said to be looking into it.  Meanwhile, Rose remains defiant.  “I don’t know where you people think I got a clone of myself from,” he said.  “Like I’m supposed to have gone to South America or something.  Am I supposed to have an army of clones in water tubes ready for my use whenever I get hurt?”

    “Ludicrous.”

  • ‘At Least’ 30 Professional Athletes on Pinnacle Health’s Client List

    ‘At Least’ 30 Professional Athletes on Pinnacle Health’s Client List

    PinnacleHealthweb

    By Dash Hamley

    According to sources within the DEA, there are “at least” 30 professional athletes, from the MLB, NFL, and NBA, on the client list of Pinnacle Health, the sports and wellness clinic in White Valley.  The sources could not name any names yet, but five names are “major athletes” with huge contracts and endorsement deals.  Needless to say, the sports world has been rocked to its core.

    “If this is true,” said sports commentator and hateful troll, Skip Bayless, “then I just don’t know what to believe anymore.  Steroids and HGH are one thing, but superpowers are on a level all their own.  I’ll bet my salary that LeBron James is on that list.  He just has to be.”

    Other sports commentators were less dramatic and accusatory based on almost no information.  “This could very well be the biggest scandal of all time,” said Joe Buck.  “We’ve always known that athletes will do whatever they can to get an edge, and PEDs are no exception.  So of course, some people would try out superpowers.  And hey, at least it’ll give us all something to talk about during games.”

    Speculation on who could be on the client has run rampant throughout all the sports leagues.  The MLB and NFL are already mounting investigations, and the NBA has reportedly started hiring new investigators of their own.  Players and coaches around the country are not talking about it, but it’s clear everyone’s nervous.  “First Balco, then Biogenesis, now this,” said a baseball player who asked to remain anonymous, “it’s just sad and infuriating.  Babe Ruth never had superpowers.  At most people thought he had magic powers, but that’s nonsense.  Hank Aaron never had superpowers.  Now, who knows what people could have?”

    “It ruins the spirit of the game to suddenly have the proportional strength on an ant or whatever.”

  • Pinnacle Health Raided by Authorities

    Pinnacle Health Raided by Authorities

    PinnacleHealthweb

    By Dash Hamley

    Pinnacle Health, a sports and wellness clinic in White Valley, was raided by local police and the DEA today on suspicion of selling superpower drugs.  Jared Mendoza, owner of Pinnacle Health, was also arrested as were his staff members.  He employed at least twelve people, but only five were on the premises at the time of the raid.

    Mendoza is being accused of selling and distributing superpower drugs, which is a class-A federal offense.  A conviction of selling even one syringe or pill bottle can lead to 10 years in prison.  Depending on what the authorities find within the clinic, Mendoza and his employees may spend the rest of their lives in prison.

    The break in the case reportedly came from an ex-employee, whose name hasn’t been released to the public.  This person had a falling out with Mendoza over an incident with a client, and this client was a professional athlete.  Mendoza and the athlete pressured the informant to keep quiet and threatened to harm this person and their family.  When the athlete was out of town, the informant went to the police, supposedly because the athlete has superpowers and Mendoza does not.

    Pinnacle Health has been “helping athletes, and everyone, achieve the pinnacle of human health for over 30 years,” according to its website.  It bills itself as an “all-natural approach to health, using the cutting edge of modern science,” but it appears that they may’ve been selling low-grade superpowers off the books.  The DEA would not comment on the matter as they are still investigating the premises.  But if a professional athlete was one of Mendoza’s clients, then there may be more professional athletes on his clients list.  On top of that, using superpower drugs, even to gain low-level superpowers is also a class-A federal offense with a minimum sentence of 20 years.

  • Jim Harbaugh Follows Strict Whining Regimen in Offseason

    Jim Harbaugh Follows Strict Whining Regimen in Offseason

    By Dash Hamley

    SANTA CLARA – San Francisco 49ers head coach, Jim Harbaugh, has much to prepare for in the offseason:  refining his program, indoctrinating rookies and new players, and planning the practice schedules.  Most of his work is to lead the team, but during the offseason, Harbaugh does something for himself.  He keeps up a strict whining regimen.

    “It’s just one of the things that’s part of my game,” said Harbaugh.  “First thing I do when I get into my office, after emails and whatever else, is get down on the floor and start whining.  It’s practice, just like my players do.”

    Whining is one of the most integral parts of Harbaugh’s game.  His screams, flops, and non-existent fuse have produced the biggest tantrums on the sidelines since he joined the NFL.  Every call against his team, no matter how small, causes him to fly off the handle, and it’s all a strategy.

    “It’s all about gamesmanship,” he said.  “If there’s some way to influence the refs to get one, maybe two calls to go my way, then, hey, that could mean the difference between winning and losing.  I’ll make a damn fool out of myself at any chance that I can.”

    Harbaugh’s regimen starts out with basic stretches to loosen up his muscles.  He follows that with 30 upward arm swings, 30 clipboard tosses, 30 tantrum jumps, and 30 belly flops.  Once that is done, he screams for 10 one-minute intervals.  If he has time, he ends the regimen with rolling across the floor back and forth in front of his office for 10 laps.  Sometimes, he asks his assistant to throw a yellow flag in front of him at random times during practice.

    “I need to keep vigilant,” he said.  “I need to keep up with my players.  I don’t let them slack off, so neither can I.”

    So far, his tantrums on the field haven’t reversed any calls, but it’s impossible to determine if his whining had any influence on the referees.  Still, that won’t deter Jim Harbaugh from acting like a spoiled brat at any chance he gets.

    “I will do whatever I can to help my team win.  Hell, I’ll wear a bib and a pacifier around my neck if it helps.  I have no shame.”

  • Wrigley Field Ivy Still Acting Up

    Wrigley Field Ivy Still Acting Up

    By Dash Hamley

    CHICAGO – The infamous ivy at Wrigley Field is still acting up against its own team.

    Last season, the ivy mysteriously became sentient and mischievous towards the Chicago Cubs in a game against the Houston Astros.  It swatted away fly balls before the Cubs players could catch them, held the ball in its ivy, and even tripped up the Cubs players.  Major League Baseball cancelled the remaining few games and hired special biologists and occultists to fix the problem.  But the problem isn’t going away.

    “I don’t know what to tell you,” said Andrew Mickelson, lead groundskeeper for Wrigley Field.  “We tried everything.  Fertilizer, pesticide, lasers, magic spells.  Heck, we even tried reasoning with the ivy, but it just laughed and laughed.”

    “I ain’t never seen anything like this in all my years.”

    Early in the season, they tried freezing the ivy with special cooling mists, but that only worked for about an hour.  The ivy slowly grew a branch to unplug the mist sprayers and stuffed several branches down the machine’s hoses.  And the summer heat didn’t help matters either.

    MLB and the Chicago Cubs are still looking for the reason why this happened all of a sudden.  “Someone is behind this,” said a Cubs official, who wished to remain anonymous.  “Someone did this to us, and we’re going to find out who.  I have no idea how though, so that’s a problem.  It’s probably a Cardinal fan.”

    The Cubs have had to cancel all of their home games just to avoid all the injuries to the players the ivy has caused.  So far, no one has seemed to notice.

  • Tim Tebow Wants to Go to Alternate Dimensions to Play in an NFL

    Tim Tebow Wants to Go to Alternate Dimensions to Play in an NFL

    By Dash Hamely

    JACKSONVILLE – Former college football star, ex-NFL backup quarterback, and current football commentator, Tim Tebow, has been lobbying the science community to let him travel to alternate dimensions with the hope that he can play in an NFL.

    “I just want a chance is all,” Tebow said.  “I’ve wanted to play quarterback in the NFL all my life, and I just want the opportunity, you know.”

    Tebow last played with the New England Patriots but was released before the regular season began.  After trying out for several teams in private, and despite an unusually high rate of injuries to quarterbacks this past season, he could not land with any of the remaining 31 football clubs.  He also turned down offers from the CFL, arena football, and a “Russian football league”, whose existence has yet to be confirmed.  Last year, he became a college football commentator for ESPN, but his contract specifically came with a clause that he may pursue his football career again at any time.

    “Now is the time,” said Tebow.  “I’m ready, and even if I have to travel to a hundred different dimensions to find an NFL in one of them that would have me, then that’s the path God wants me to take.”

    “I don’t care if I have to play against bug people or a world where people have six arms,” he said.  “I’ll cross any chasm and fight against all odds, even a dimension filled with smoke monsters, to play for an NFL somewhere in the multiverse.  I just need a chance.”

    Traveling between dimensions is heavily regulated around the world.  Scientists and the UN closely monitor interdimensional travel as so much is not known about other dimensions, and just opening a portal can have disastrous consequences.

    “In 1979, a portal was opened to Earth 34,” said physicist Karl Unger, “and a swarm of parasitic emus erupted from the other side.  Twenty-nine people died from parasitic emus.  So, letting a failed football player travel to however many Earths just so he can play in an NFL?  Ludicrous.”

    “And I don’t care how many universes there are, but there isn’t a respectable league out there that uses the wildcat formation.”

    Tebow denied reports that he tried to enter this year’s NFL Draft under an alias and a wig and goatee, though photographs and records indicate someone name Tom Teebone was at the NFL Combine in March.

  • John Madden, Curse Finally Defeated

    John Madden, Curse Finally Defeated

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    By Dash Hamley

    MOUNT WHITNEY – John Madden, the evil warlock who’s been terrorizing professional football players for years, was finally defeated in his castle atop the highest peak in California.

    A coalition of former and current athletes, who were featured on the cover of the Madden NFL video game series, finally broke through the magical barrier around Madden’s mountaintop castle in a fierce battle that lasted eight hours, according to eye witnesses from the ground.  The coalition was led by Dante Culpepper, who was featured on the 2002 edition of the popular video game.  “I have been waiting so long for this day,” he said, his eyes glowing red as his hatred fueled his mystic powers.  “I waited all my life to play in the NFL, and his curse ended my dreams.  It was through many hours of soul searching and deep meditation that I was able to obtain the mystic might needed to fell this foe.”

    Madden, the former Oakland Raiders coach and NFL icon, had beaten back would-be heroes for years now, cackling with laughter after each victory, maintaining a high winning percentage as he did while coaching.  But today muddied up the statistic, and his fire demons were no match for Culpepper and his coalition.

    The team included Garrison Hearst (from the 1999 cover and first to be cursed), Shaun Alexander (2007), Vince Young (2008), Peyton Hillis (2012), and Aaron Rodgers, even though he’s never been on the cover.  “When EA started letting the fans vote [for who’d be on the cover],” said Rodgers, “I’ve been near the top four in each year.  Thankfully, the Green Bay fans voted against me, but I didn’t want to take any chances.”

    “We had to stop this monster.”

    While Culpepper had developed his own mystic powers, the other coalition members helped in their own way.  Rodgers, who still plays football, threw green-energy bombs, handed to him by Hillis, at the fire demons with pinpoint accuracy.  Young used his great speed from his cybernetic legs to confuse the castle troops while Hearst, the weapons expert and supplier for the group, used his katanas.  Culpepper burst into the inner sanctum to do battle with the evil warlock.  Madden’s incantations could be heard from miles around as residents as far away as Las Vegas could hear him yell “Boom!”  They traded blows for nearly twenty minutes until Madden was finally defeated by Culpepper.  Reportedly, his last words were a repetition of “Favre,” probably a failed incantation to make a comeback.

    With Madden now defeated, the Curse could finally be lifted.  “Or so we hope,” said Culpepper.  “He was a dastardly villain.  This Curse may still exist for some time after his death.  Surely, it will weaken, but all we can do now is pray and rejoice.”