The New Romford Free Press

Category: World

  • ‘Goo-Man’ Helps Keep Venice from Sinking

    ‘Goo-Man’ Helps Keep Venice from Sinking

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    by Stan Hopewell

    VENICE, Italy – Ronaldo Vescio, a.k.a. “Goo-Man” for obvious reasons, helped the city of Venice keep afloat by excreting over 15 tons of his personal “goo” into the city’s foundation.

    Ten years ago, Vescio was drowned in toxic chemicals while trying to graffiti the inside of an active chemical factory in Berlin.  He fell into the chemicals and was presumed dead for several weeks.  Then, as the factory sifted through the chemicals, Vescio reconstituted himself into a liquid-like form that eventually turned sticky.  For the next six years, he called himself “Goo-Man” and vandalized cities all over Western Europe.  (Pisa is still trying to get the “goo” off of their Leaning Tower five years later.)

    Now Vescio seems to be rehabilitated and is offering to “goo up,” in his words, anything that needs it.  He touts his “goo” as being water-resistant, heat-resistant up to 280˚ C, and nuclear waste-resistant.  And he’s charging a small fee for it, too.

    “My goo is very easy to make,” he said on his website, Goo-Man.com.  “It’s non-toxic and completely organic.  It will patch up any leak, any crack quick and fast!  One liter for only 1 Euro!”

    The city of Venice heard about this, and after trying for centuries to keep their city from sinking into the Adriatic Sea, they gave Vescio a chance.  So far, the “goo” is holding.  Half of the city’s foundations have been “gooed up,” and after a month, they have held up.

    “This young, disgusting, Goo-Man,” said Mayor Giorgio Orsoni, “has done what he promised, and our engineers have been studying this disgusting goo for stability.  It is holding up very well, much better than expected.  We still don’t have any idea how this goo works, but if it keeps the city above water, then this Goo-Man has our thanks.”

    It should be noted that when Orsoni shook Vescio’s hand he was stuck to “Goo-Man” for seventeen hours.  It wasn’t a pleasant experience for the mayor, according to sources.

    Vescio is expected to be finished “gooing everything up” in the next month.  If successful, he plans on spreading his “goo business” all across Europe, without shaking hands next time.

  • Atlantis, Pacifica Brawl Over Food, Customs

    Atlantis, Pacifica Brawl Over Food, Customs

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    Original Map by Free Vector Maps

    By Skip Daverman

    PANAMA CANAL – A meeting between delegates from Atlantis and Pacifica ended on a sour note today, as the two sides brawled over differing tastes in food and customs.

    Atlanteans and Pacificans each have their own regional foods and customs that have often been compared to the differences between New Yorkers and Los Angelinos, respectively.  A natural rivalry has developed over the centuries, and sometimes that rivalry has turned into animosity.  The hard, turbulent waters of the Atlantic has hardened its inhabitants, and the easy-going currents of the Pacific has engendered a more liberal and introspective populace.

    Now, those cultural differences have turned violent, and over a plate of Narwhal sliders.

    Some Pacificans saw the Narwhal sliders on the buffet table surrounded by Narwhal horns standing upwards on the table for decoration.  The Atlanteans had provided the food for the meeting, but their “treat” wasn’t appreciated.  The Narwhal is a threatened species, and the Pacificans objected.

    Atlanteans tried to explain how Narwhal sliders are a delicacy that King Morn A’Ganor gives to all of his guests, but the Pacificans didn’t accept this explanation, reiterating the threatened status of Narwhals.  Sources at the meeting have differing accounts of exactly what happened next, but it is agreed that after an argument, one Atlantean made an offensive gesture to the Pacificans.  Then the brawl began.

    Atlanteans and Pacificans fought in a massive food fight, punching and tackling each other.  Tables were broken, chairs were thrown, and a few tridents were brandished.  Somehow, no one was killed.

    King A’Ganor and Viceroy Parr’Elle Montae were not present for the beginning of the brawl, but once they showed up, they ended the brawl with one word, “Enough.”  They each chastised their respective delegations and called off the meetings for the day.  One human journalist compared it to “parents sending their kids to their rooms.”

    King A’Ganor and Viceroy Montae spoke to each other privately for a few minutes and retired for the day.  Tomorrow’s meetings were cancelled, and King A’Ganor promised to reimburse the facility for any damages.

  • Dracula’s Daughter Swears Off Human Blood, Defects to Paris

    Dracula’s Daughter Swears Off Human Blood, Defects to Paris

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    by Stan Hopewell

    PARIS — Sophia Dracula, the first daughter of Prime Minister Vladimir Dracula, has formally defected to Paris after swearing off human blood.  Prime Minister Dracula has not yet responded to the news.

    Sophia, born in 1732 to Dracula’s second wife, Morgan, has been loyal to her father for much of her life, and from 1824 to 1890 she served as his Foreign Minister.  She stepped down from the position after growing bored with politics and traveled the world with several boyfriends.  Considered the “wild child” of the family, which is saying something for the Draculas, Sophia has often been at political odds with her father for years.  She opposed “turning” world leaders like Napoleon Bonaparte and John F. Kennedy.  She was active in the Werewolf Wereferendum, granting civil rights to werewolves in the 1930s, and she’s been advocating for her father to step down from office for the past 50 years.

    Now Sophia has sworn off human blood and defected to Paris.  “It’s past time for me to disassociate myself with my father and his regime,” she said in an undisclosed location in Paris.  “I can’t in good conscience support consuming human blood anymore.  I know many people don’t think vampires have consciences, but we do, and if I am to prove it, then I must live what I preach.”

    Human blood is the lifeblood of vampires, so to speak.  Vampires lack the capacity to produce hemoglobin, the protein in blood that transports oxygen from the lungs to the body’s cells.  Consuming blood provides hemoglobin to the vampire allowing them to live and needs to be consumed at least once a week.  The life energy that allows vampires to stay immortal can come from any red-blooded animal, but since humans and vampires are related, humans are the best source of life energy for vampires.

    Sophia knows the dangers inherent in her decision, but she’s confident that her alternative will keep her satisfied.  “The advances in stem cell technology have been nothing short of revolutionary,” she said.  “I can use stem cells from a willing donor to produce gallons of hemoglobins that I can then inject into my body once a week.  Or I can inject them into a bloody beef steak for a more satisfying meal.  Either way, I am not chomping down into a human or raiding a blood bank.”

    Treating her vampirism as a “medical condition” with regular treatments has allowed her to peacefully defect to Paris.  The French government was also pleased to learn top-secret Transylvanian information, which has been reported but unconfirmed by Sophia or the government.  While Transylvania has remained peaceful for much of the past century, Europe is still wary of Dracula.

    “I know my father can be rather tyrannical,” said Sophia, “but I don’t want him to be the face of vampires anymore.  We are better than that, and I need to show the world that, in the light of day.”  In the 1980s she embraced sunlight-reflecting technology and now wears an invisible “second skin” of nanites that can reflect 88% of the sun’s rays, allowing her to walk around in broad daylight.  She now owns Solar Technologies, which produces the “second skin” along with super-thin solar cells and various hard-light technologies.

    “I intend to be a full member of Western society,” said Sophia.  “I will live and work on the same schedule as humans, I will eat like a human, and I will not ‘turn’ anyone.  That is my promise to France and the world.  I will even endure that torture that is waking up in the morning.  I seriously don’t know how you humans do this.”

  • Asimovia Brings Gifts to Japan Meeting

    Asimovia Brings Gifts to Japan Meeting

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    By Stan Hopewell

    NAGASAKI – Japanese officials met with the leader of Asimovia, Victor Priceworth, and five other delegates from the former “Robot Island” in a private meeting.  Priceworth was dressed in impeccable formal wear, looking as human as robotly possible.  Two of the other delegates were androids about the same size as Priceworth but nowhere nearly as human looking.  They were also wearing formal wear.  The other three were a walking robot from the 60s, a large box computer on wheels, and a sentient toaster.  They were all nude.

    Priceworth shook hands with Prime Minister Shinzo Abe and introduced his delegates to him.  It even told a joke to Abe, who laughed but seemed to be doing so out of nerves.  The Asimovians brought with them a large crate full of gifts to Japan in another apparent measure of goodwill.  Before Priceworth could uncover the crate, the Japanese military that surrounded the initial meeting raised all of their guns, tanks, and giant man-piloted fighting robots, which had somehow hid themselves behind some trees.  After a brief standoff, Priceworth ensured the humans that this was not a trick.  Abe ordered his men to stand down, but not the giant fighting robots.

    Priceworth removed the cover on the crate, slowly, while the sentient toaster hid behind its leg.  On the crate were nearly two tons of concrete.  The Japanese delegates and soldiers didn’t react.  Less than impressed, Abe said something to Priceworth, and it lit up.  It brought out a large chest that was stuck inside the concrete blocks and was about to open it when the military raised their weapons again.  After waving them down, Abe opened the chest himself and found stacks of photos and documents.

    The Japanese government has not made it public what the photos and documents were exactly, but Abe seemed either deeply shaken or deeply moved by the chest.  They talked for several minutes about the contents of the chest, and the toaster began to rub up against Abe’s leg.  The two shook hands, and Abe ordered that the chest and concrete be taken away and for the Asimovians to be transported to another location.

    Abe and Priceworth left in their own private limousine, accompanied by the toaster, while the other delegates were hauled into a reinforced truck.

  • Montezuma Attacks Military Base, Gives Soldiers “The Runs”

    Montezuma Attacks Military Base, Gives Soldiers “The Runs”

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    by Skip Daverman

    MEXICO CITY — The resurrected Aztec king, Montezuma, attacked the Campo Militar No. 1 military base in the Mexican capital, again riding his giant feathered serpent, Quetzalcoatl.

    The attack came out of nowhere as Quetzalcoatl suddenly appeared out of the clouds above the base.  The Mexican troops did not have time to mount an effective defense.  The feathered serpent fired lightning bolts from its mouth, destroying tanks and garrisons in short order.  El Toro, along with several other local superheroes, were too late to help out as Montezuma left nearly as soon as he appeared.  Four people were reported dead from the attack, and several dozen more were injured.

    Montezuma did leave a message via the radio.  Translated from Spanish, he said, “Fools!  This is the true power of the Triple Alliance!  These wretched Spaniard soldiers did the cowering under my power.  They ran fast as I appeared.  They knew the force I am.  I gave them the runs and the explosions out the rear of the base!”

    The translation from Spanish is a direct one.  It is not his first language, and even native Spanish speakers were thrown off by his syntax.

    “I, Montezuma,” he continued, “will continue my the revenge against the mongrel Spaniards.  I will make them run into the toilets until there is no more to run!  Beware or bow down to my might!”

    The Mexican government would not comment on the attack, though they said they were investigating how Quetzalcoatl teleported above Campo Militar No. 1.  Several scientists in the area did detect a strange radiation spike in the area during the attack.  “It’s faint, but it’s there,” said Dr. Miguel Villareal, professor of physics at Universidad Nacional Autonoma de Mexico.  “The radiation signature doesn’t appear to be harmful by itself, but with some more analysis, we may be able to figure out how it works and how to predict it.”

    “But seriously,” he said, “does Montezuma not know what his ‘revenge’ means?  This is getting gross.”

  • Werewolves Declare Independence from Transylvania

    Werewolves Declare Independence from Transylvania

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    By Skip Daverman

    CLUJ – In a move riding the wave of Pacifica and Asimovia, the werewolves of Translyvania have also declared their independence from the Republic of Transylvania.

    “For too long we have sat underneath the thumb of Dracula,” said Lupine Nation leader, Dinu Nicolescu.  “We have been belittled, betrayed, ignored, and harassed by a leader who claims to work for all creatures in his kingdom.  He has not done so.  First, he let the Chupacabras in, then he lowered the tax on silver.  Soon, he will surely allow the Van Helsings of the world into our borders.  Just because we don’t donate the most blood to his campaign–because we can’t or else he would turn into a werewolf, and we all know how he feels about us Lupines—he thinks he can walk all over us.  Well, not anymore.  The Lupine Nation will not have our voice drowned out by Big Blood.”

    “We declare independence from Transylvania,” he continued.  “And we will govern ourselves under the Full Moon Standard.”

    The nation of Transylvania is relatively small compared to other European nations.  Its borders have shifted countless times over the past five centuries due to war and political alliances.  The current nation is primarily covered by Romania but has a small border with Hungary and Ukraine.  Where the proposed “Lupine Nation” would reside was not answered by Nicolescu in his statement.

    Prime Minister Dracula did not immediately respond, but his office did say that they were looking into the matter.  Sources inside the Royal Palace indicated that this was a surprise to Dracula and his cabinet.  Given how fiercely Dracula has defended his borders over the past 200 years, it is not likely that he’ll let a part of his country secede in peace.

    More to come on this breaking story.

  • Montezuma Exacts His Revenge on Mexico City

    Montezuma Exacts His Revenge on Mexico City

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    Phone picture

    By Skip Daverman

    MEXICO CITY – The late Aztec ruler, Montezuma, has returned from the dead, riding the giant feathered serpent, Quetzalcoatl, and immediately began attacking the citizens of Mexico City at random.

    How he came back to life is still unclear, but his wrath was not.  Montezuma was aware of the last 400 years and the ultimate destruction of his empire by the Spanish.  He apparently learned how to speak Spanish as he made a speech in that language in the Zócalo, the main square in Mexico City.  In part, he said (translated into English):

    “Citizens of the wretched city of the mongrel Spaniards, hear me, for I am your true king!  I, Montezuma, will exact my revenge for the four centuries of the extermination and the humiliation.  Any of my brothers are welcome into the new Triple Alliance.  But first, we must expel the enemies and leave them behind us, forcibly if we must.  Excrete them into the mud, over and over again, if they stand in our way.  Thus will be the Montezuma’s revenge!”

    Then, Quetzalcoatl roared, spun around into a whirlwind, and disappeared into the sky.  Thankfully, no one was killed during the sudden attack, but the city is reeling from the experience.  “I do not have any comment at this moment,” said Mayor Mancera.  “I am trying to make sure my people are safe.”

    Many people were equally awed and terrified by the sight of not only Montezuma but of Quetzalcoatl.  “That was awesome,” said Jorge Ruiz, a cab driver who witnessed the speech.  “I was scared as well, but it was a giant flying serpent.  It was Quetzalcoatl!”

    “But one thing,” he continued, “did he not know what Montezuma’s revenge means these days?  I mean, he learned modern Spanish, yes?  That was super weird.”

    The Mexico City superhero, El Toro, was said to be on the case according to several sources.