The New Romford Free Press

Category: World

  • Werewolves Protest Lower Silver Taxes

    werewolfprotestBy Skip Daverman

    CLUJ, Transylvania – After a proposal by the Transylvanian government to lower silver taxes, the nation’s werewolf community came out to protest today with an estimated crowd of 40,000 protestors.

    Last week, Prime Minister Dracula and several MPs wrote a proposal to lower the nation’s longstanding heavy silver tax as a way to boost job growth.  The tax currently sits at 340% of the global buying price for silver, and that tax is applied to all imports into Transylvania and to any purchase of any product containing any amount of silver that is sold within the country.  Dracula and his fellow MPs, none of whom are werewolves, argue that such a high tax prevents high-tech equipment and medical supplies from being imported in, stunting economic growth.

    “Silver is an important super conductor,” said Dracula.  “You don’t even realize what kind of machinery and electronics it is in unless you can’t have it.  If we are to progress in the 21st century, then we need to lower the tax so that all citizens can benefit.”

    The proposal asks for the tax to be reduced to 100% of the global buying price, but the Lupine community made it known that any kind of reduction was a threat to their very existence.  Chants of “silver is death” rang through the crowd as many people held signs.  One sign read, “Why not reduce garlic tax, too?!”

    “There’s a reason why silver was taxed so high,” said Dinu Nicolescu, werewolf protest leader, who also lost in the last election to Dracula.  “Silver is toxic to werewolves, and lowering taxes on silver for ‘economic growth’ is just a deception aimed at wiping out the Lupine people.”

    Dracula flatly denied Nicolescu’s allegations, calling them “paranoia”.  “My job as Prime Minister is to help this nation to prosper,” he said.  “We are behind the rest of Europe by at least 15 years because of these ancient taxes that don’t mean much today.  We will take every step to prevent silver from being extracted from goods and formed into bullets just as we always have.  I will make sure that the penalties for such actions will not only remain but be strengthened by this proposal, and I will make sure every product containing silver will be labeled as such.  But the truth of the matter is that most of the silver imported will be small amounts built into the machines, and it would be too difficult for anyone to extract and reform into a weapon.”

    As for lowering the garlic tax, since that is dangerous to vampires, Dracula said, “Do not be ridiculous.  Garlic cannot be made into machines.”

  • Pacifica Declares Independence from Atlantis

    atlpacmapsm
    Original Map by Free Vector Maps

    By Falco Rockbert

    PACIFICA – The underwater city and province, Pacifica, which has been under Atlantean rule since it was colonized over 500 years ago has formally declared independence.

    Viceroy Parr’Ell Montae of Pacifica, who had been overseeing the entire Pacific region of the world’s oceans for Atlantis for the past 16 years, made the declaration in writing.  Translated from Atlantean, it read, “For 532 years, Pacifica has been a dutiful colony and province of the great Atlantis Empire.  In our time, we have helped to colonize over 5,000 towns, cities, ports, and outposts in the Pacific, and we have helped our brothers and sisters in the Atlantic and Indian fight those who would wish to rule the seas as well as the land.  The wonderful bounty of the Pacific has helped strengthen not only Pacifica but also Atlantis, but the time has come for Pacifica to rule itself.  We declare our independence from our brothers and sisters in peace.”

    The declaration was not a surprise.  The Pacifican parliament has been accumulating pro-secession MPs for the past 40 years, and just last year, the secessionists gained a 60% majority.  Though unconfirmed, reports from Atlantis in recent months have suggested that Viceroy Montae has been lobbying King Morn A’Ganor behind closed doors for independence.

    The Pacifica Province, which covers the entirety of the Pacific Ocean floor, is by far the richest province in the Atlantis Empire.  Petroleum and natural gas are more prevalent in the Pacific, pearls and coral reefs are more abundant, and the kelp farms are bigger.  The volcanic activity, while volatile, provides many raw materials that have helped strengthen the Atlantis military.  The Pacific is also a direct route to Japan, China, Korea, Australia, and the United States, all strategic alliances that Pacifica maintains.  Losing Pacifica would dramatically affect the Atlantis Empire’s economic and political stability.

    Among the list of concerns in the declaration from Viceroy Montae, lack of support from Atlantis is at the top of the list.  “We feel that Pacifican problems are best solved by Pacificans,” read the declaration.  “Pacifica is too large and distant to be ruled, completely, by the great Atlantis Empire.  Furthermore, the taxes and port fees at the Panama Canal and Tierra del Fuego have risen beyond reason, and the reduction in volcano relief has put Pacificans in great danger.  We understand that times are tough for everyone in the Atlantis Empire, and we wish to ease part of your burden while also gaining self-governance.”

    King A’Ganor has not responded to the declaration and is not expected to for several days while he and his Royal Circle discuss the issue.

  • Lifeform Gestates in Glowing Russian Asteroid

    Lifeform Gestates in Glowing Russian Asteroid

    By Skip Daverman

    MOSCOW – Russian officials have confirmed suspicions:  there is a lifeform inside the giant glowing asteroid.

    The asteroid has been cordoned off from the public since its arrival outside of Moscow, glowing and growing.  Russian superhero, Ural, and a team of scientists have monitored it since, but as it has continued to grow (now over 1,000 feet in diameter), an image of a lifeform can be seen inside it.  Amateur photos have been circulating the internet for the past few days, and the Kremlin could no longer keep it under wraps.

    “Yes, there appears to be something gestating inside,” said spokesperson Piotr Markov.  “We do not know what it is or whether it is dangerous.  We have work to do.”

    No indication has been given as to what sort of creature is inside, but security has been heightened due to the leaks.  The reports of strange outer space dreams have decreased amongst the locals, but rumors have surfaced that many of the scientists studying the asteroid haven’t been sleeping well.

    “Please,” Markov said, visibly frustrated by the questions, “we have been working very hard to keep everyone safe.  So yes, we are tired.  But to speak of outer space dreams of alien worlds and cosmic energies is ridiculous.”

  • Lap-Cat Caught in Paris

    Lap-Cat Caught in Paris

    lapcatwebaBy Skip Daverman

    PARIS, France – The infamous feline superspy Lap-Cat has been caught in Paris while attempting to steal secrets from President François Hollande.  It was not known what he was trying to steal.

    Lap-Cat has been on the loose for the past three years.  His last known whereabouts were in Berlin when he tried to infiltrate German Chancellor Angela Merkel’s office when he was shooed away with a broom.  Once the pet of supervillain Herr Gerfahr, Lap-Cat was imbued with superior intelligence in a lab accident by his former owner (then known as Frankenfurter).  After this he left Herr Gerfahr to lead his own life and quickly turned to espionage.

    Lap-Cat disarms his targets with his cuteness as he quickly learned humans were susceptible to it.  He invaded the homes of the rich and elite, purring and brushing up against people’s legs.  Eventually, he would jump onto the unsuspecting human’s lap while they were going over some documents or working on their computers.  From here, Lap-Cat could read their documents and sell their secrets.  If lucky, he could download files onto a thumb drive he carried around his collar while the human wasn’t looking.

    Catching the feline superspy has been difficult as he can crawl into tight spaces and see in the dark.  He’s been captured once before in Madrid but was released due to a technicality in Spanish law, which didn’t have a stipulation for talking cats.

    But with more advanced scanners and better intelligence, all atypical creatures are detected within French government buildings once they enter.  Lap-Cat was caught by French authorities and is currently being held in a secret facility.  Lap-Cat won’t be able to get out like he did in Spain; France made sentient animals a protected class in 2008.

  • After Android Fails, Mic-D Returns as Clone

    After Android Fails, Mic-D Returns as Clone

    By Stan Hopewell

    TIJUANA, Mexico – After rap mogul Gray Matter debuted an android of the late Mic-D last month, many people wondered about the ethics of such a decision.  Now, Gray Matter debuted his late partner as a clone at a concert in Tijuana.

    “People were complaining about his jerky movements,” said Gray Matter after the show, “but now he ain’t a robot.  Now he’s a real human being, yo!”

    Indeed, the cloned Mic-D’s movements were much more fluid than the android, but most concert-goers did not initially recognize that it wasn’t just an actor playing the part.  “From a hundred feet away, it’s just some dude, you know?” said Janet Mayer, an American who came to Tijuana to see this show.  It was a sentiment carried by most of the audience of 10,000, but afterwards, Gray Matter showed him off the media.

    “This is the real deal, my [expletive] [expletive],” he said.  “We’re going to blow this [expletive] up!”

    The Mic-D clone seemed overwhelmed by the attention, seeing as he was technically only two months old despite having an adult body.  Gray Matter didn’t allow him to speak or interact with the media and quickly ducked back into their tour bus without taking questions.

    One of the questions repeatedly asked was about the moral quandaries of resurrecting a deceased friend for monetary gain without the deceased’s consent.  Concert-goers seemed put off when they learned the news.  “Oh my God, I can’t believe he said that,” said Juanita Hermanos.  “Why can’t they leave the dead alone?  Don’t they know that’s bad luck?”

    “What?  No, that was just an actor, right?  No way someone would be so stupid to do that to their friend,” said Carlos Estes.

    “Ew,” said Stacy Paul.

    There were other lingering questions as well:  Where did the android go?  Where did Gray Matter get the money or genetic material to clone Mic-D?  Did his family consent to it?  And how is he going to tour the U.S., where cloning is illegal?  It’s no coincidence that the cloned Mic-D was debuted in Mexico.  He was likely bred there as well as Mexico has more lenient cloning laws.

    Reporters crowded Gray Matter’s tour bus, screaming questions at him.  The bus pulled away, and Gray Matter leaned out the window, flipping everyone off.  The cloned Mic-D did the same but used the wrong fingers.

  • Asteroid Glows and Grows

    Asteroid Glows and Grows

    By Skip Daverman

    MOSCOW – The asteroid that landed outside of Moscow is still glowing, and now it’s growing.

    Russian superhero, Ural, and a team of scientists have kept watch of the asteroid since yesterday.  They were measuring a constant heat signature emanating from within the rock when they noticed that it was getting bigger.  The scientists have not been allowed to comment, but Ural said, “It has grown nearly 200 meters overnight.  A remarkable, and unsettling, growth has occurred.”

    Authorities have been spending the majority of their time keeping the curious away from the scene, which is difficult to do considering the size of the asteroid.  Crowds have gathered on hilltops with telescopes to see the rock for themselves.  The glow was even enough to light up the night sky.  Some residents reported strange dreams of outer space, saying they’ve seen star systems not visible from Earth.

    Scientists have been unable to determine the source of the heat signature or the growth or whether they have any relation to the dreams.  So far, they’ve only ruled out nuclear radiation as a possible cause, but they are proceeding with caution in case other types of radiation are involved.

  • Dracula Wins Transylvanian Election

    Dracula Wins Transylvanian Election

    draculawins

    By Buffy Bolivar

    CLUJ – In a decisive victory, Transylvanian Prime Minister Dracula won reelection for the 28th consecutive time, continuing his 220 year reign.  He defeated the Full Moon Party candidate, Dinu Nicolescu, a werewolf, with 61% of the vote.

    While publicly campaigning on jobs, infrastructure, and lower taxes on blood imports, Dracula ran a dirty campaign.  Nicolescu complained about attack ads aimed at him and his werewolf nature, calling them “disgraceful and discriminatory against my Lupine-kind”.  Nicolescu’s werewolf half also made several complaints about Dracula’s tactics during the full moon, usually by scratching notes into walls and howling at the moon.

    Before Nicolescu, no werewolf had ever run for Prime Minister, and only 14% of Parliament is Full Moon.  “Many Transylvanians are wary of the werewolves,” said New Romford political scientist, Maria Stephens.  “It’s been over thirty years since the werewolf rights movement happened in that country, yet they still have reservations about their leaders tearing up the place once a month.  Not to mention the shedding.”

    Dracula insists he ran a proper campaign and scoffs at the idea he engaged in dirty politics.  “My opponent is a werewolf, and 30% of our populace is Lupine,” he said.  “As Prime Minister, I must lead and protect all of my people regardless of if they’re human, vampire, werewolf, golem, or minotaur.  All creatures are welcome in Transylvania.”

    Exit polls show that the main concern for voters was the economy with unemployment reaching 11% last month.  Nicolescu promised to lower taxes on the wealthiest Transylvanians to encourage job creation, an issue 57% of Transylvanians disagreed with, and pledged to increase taxes on silver and wolfsbane, both of which received less support.  Voters were clear in wanting to stay the course with Dracula, supporting his call for better roads, increased mining in the Carpathians, and monthly blood-tasting parties at his villa near the Turda Gorges.

    “What can I say,” said Stephens.  “Dracula throws the best parties.”