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  • Japan, Asimovia Have Productive Meeting Despite Alleged Attempted Affair

    Japan, Asimovia Have Productive Meeting Despite Alleged Attempted Affair

    RobotFamilyweb

    By Stan Hopewell

    TOKYO – Representatives from the self-proclaimed island Asimovia and from the Japanese government met today in the Kantei, the official Office of the Prime Minister.  The meeting was called “productive” by both sides despite the alleged attempted affair between a Japanese official and a “female” robot.

    Today’s meeting was contingent on yesterday’s brief meeting in Nagasaki, where robots from Asimovia gave Prime Minister Shinzo Abe a gift in the form of a chest with documents and pictures.  That initial encounter went well enough for Abe to invite the robots to Tokyo for further meetings.  The contents of the documents and pictures have not been disclosed to the public.

    The robots were housed in an undisclosed location for the night and were treated as special guests of the Prime Minister.  While Japan kept close tabs on them throughout the night, they shut down their man-piloted giant fighting robots.  The next morning, head official of Asimovia, Victor Priceworth, and a few of his associates met directly with the Prime Minister, and right away, the mood was “tense” according to sources.

    During the evening, as the Japanese were entertaining the robots, one Japanese male official got drunk and started to flirt with the “female” robot, A.R.L.E.N.E.  In the “family photo” Asimovia sent out several weeks back, A.R.L.E.N.E. can be seen sitting in a chair opposite of Priceworth.  She was built in 1932 by the French roboticist, Pierre Gavreau, to resemble his deceased wife, Penelope.  Obviously, A.R.L.E.N.E. couldn’t fill the hole in Gavreau’s heart, and he banished her from his home.  A.R.L.E.N.E. has wandered the globe since then, and for about 20 years, she was turned off and stored in a millionaire’s vault as a trophy.  No one knows how she got free or how she met Priceworth, but it is surely a deep, affecting story that would certainly make a great movie someday.

    And a Japanese official “hit on her like she was a sex robot,” said one human source.  “Regardless of what you feel about robots and A.I., that was very demeaning to A.R.L.E.N.E.  It did not help matters.”

    Nothing reportedly happened to A.R.L.E.N.E. as she has the strength of 10 humans and was able to keep the drunk Japanese official at literal arm’s length.  The next morning, Priceworth and A.R.L.E.N.E. brought up the incident to the Prime Minister, who apologized for his subordinate’s disrespectful behavior.  Abe also promised to have the man punished.

    Publically, neither Asimovia nor Japan confirmed the alleged attempted affair.  They did say that progress has been made though what that means was not discussed.  Sources inside the Kantei indicated that Japan was not interested in fighting the robots over the long-abandoned island, but they weren’t going to give up their land either.  Asimovia reportedly offered to do tedious paperwork for Japan and to help repair their man-piloted giant fighting robots free of cost.  Nothing was agreed upon, but future meetings have been planned.

  • Pitching Prospect Gets Preemptive Tommy John Surgery to ‘Get It Out of the Way’

    Pitching Prospect Gets Preemptive Tommy John Surgery to ‘Get It Out of the Way’

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    By Dash Hamley

    DALLAS – Texas Rangers pitching prospect, Matt Copland, is known for throwing a 100-mph fastball and a nasty 75-mph curveball that leaves batters swinging at air more often than not.  Now, the 21 year-old double-A pitcher is taking an unusual step in his career:  preemptive Tommy John surgery.

    That’s right.  He announced yesterday that he’s getting Tommy John surgery “out of the way.”

    “I throw 100-mph for at least half my pitches,” said Copland.  “Add that and the torque on my elbow during all my pitches but especially my curveball.  My elbow’s going to pop at some point.  That’s just a fact.  So let’s get it out of the way now.”

    While the rate of pitchers getting Tommy John surgeries in recent years has skyrocketed, no one has decided to do a preemptive surgery.  It doesn’t sound like the Rangers organization is backing this either.

    “Our players are expected to keep their bodies in good condition,” said Rangers GM, Jon Daniels.  “And we can only control what they do and don’t do with their bodies to a limited degree.  We’re talking with Matt, and we hope to talk some sense into him.”

    Tommy John surgery repairs damage to the ulnar collateral ligament in a person’s elbow.  Pitchers who get the surgery are generally out of play for 12-18 months.  Despite teams’ efforts to limit the number of pitches thrown by pitchers during a season, players are still tearing their elbows.  It almost seems inevitable for many pitchers.

    “Look, I can’t get behind it entirely,” said former pitcher Curt Schilling, “but I get where he’s coming from.  You have that specter looming over you nowadays, especially throwing as hard as he does, you just know it’s coming down the line.  I can’t fault him for wanting to get it out of the way.”

    Major League Baseball is rumored to be investigating Copland ever since the news broke.  They reportedly want to make sure he’s not implanting cybernetics into his elbow.

    “I hadn’t even thought of that,” said Copland.  “If only I had the money for a robot arm, hell yeah, I’d do it.”

  • Michigan Trapped in Great Lakes State Monster Debate

    Michigan Trapped in Great Lakes State Monster Debate

    GLM1

    By Stan Hopewell

    Mishipeshu
    Mishipeshu

    LANSING, Michigan – In a bizarre state senate hearing in Michigan’s Capitol Building, three lake monsters of three of the Great Lakes all pleaded their case to be named Michigan’s Official State Lake Monster, a title that does not exist.

    Mishipeshu, the famed underwater panther of Lake Superior, teleconferenced from his home on Michipicoten Island, which is technically in Canada.  “I call the entire lake my home,” he said, “and I have another home on Isle Royale, so I live on both sides of the border.  Michipicoten just has the better internet connection.  But barring that, I have lived in these waters for thousands of years, and I was the first lake monster to interact with the humans, and I don’t have a dumb, cutesy nickname.  Clearly, I deserve this title.”

    “I respectfully disagree,” said Michigy, the reptilian lake monster of Lake Michigan.  She teleconferenced in from a private residence west of Petoskey.  “My name is cute, but it isn’t dumb.  It was given to me by the noble Ojibwe people, and I’ve been here the longest.  I am literally millions of years old by some estimates.”

    Michigy
    Michigy

    “Millions of years old,” said Huro, the giant fish monster of Lake Huron, who teleconferenced from a private residence in Saginaw Bay.  “That’s preposterous.  Everyone knows Michigy has a family, and is only 340 years old.  Hardly immortal!  I, on the other hand, am the great fish that carved out the Georgian Bay with my own teeth to ward off the giant Thunderbirds.  They were ruining the newly formed land after the ice sheets melted, so I just ate it up.  Clearly, one as mighty as me deserves this title.”

    The three lake monsters argued for another hour to a stunned Capitol Building crowd.  It was partly the nature of debate that stunned them, according to aides in the room, but mostly the fact that a giant underwater panther, reptile, and fish were yelling at each other via Skype left that them dumbfounded.  The speaker tried to regain order amongst the great beasts, but that proved futile.  An aide unplugged all three connections to end the meeting.

    The issue has been tabled for discussion for the next three weeks until they figure out whether or not to create the title of Official State Lake Monster.

    Huro
    Huro

    Curiously, Bessie, the snake-like monster of Lake Erie, wasn’t present at the meeting but did release a statement.  “Look,” he said, “I’ve got Detroit on one end, Buffalo at the other, and Cleveland in the middle, and I don’t want to be associated with any of them.”

    Meanwhile, Kingstie, the dragon monster of Lake Ontario, continues to live and work in Toronto and vacation in Montreal during the spring, loved and praised by all Canadians.

  • PGA Celebrates Tiger Woods’s Retirement Despite Woods Not Retiring

    PGA Celebrates Tiger Woods’s Retirement Despite Woods Not Retiring

    pga

    By Dash Hamley

    NEW YORK – The PGA celebrated the retirement of Tiger Woods this morning, despite the fact Tiger Woods hasn’t actually retired.

    “Tiger has been an integral player in PGA Tour history,” read a statement.  “Who could forget Tiger’s historic win at the Masters in 1997?  He’s generated so much excitement in golf, and we are sad to see him go.  We wish him well in his future endeavors.”

    This statement came from the PGA Tour website along with a video montage of Woods’s iconic moments on the tour.  It was accompanied by a narrator and interviews with golfers, though those interviews were recorded years ago.

    The problem is that Woods himself denies having retired.  “I haven’t retired,” he said.  “I don’t know what this is all about, but I’m not retiring.  I keep calling everyone I know at the PGA, and no one is answering my calls.  This is a joke, right?”

    Several media outlets are reporting the same thing.  No one at the PGA is answering their phone.  Some outlets have tried to enter the PGA offices in New York and in Ponte Vedra Beach, Florida, and the lights are off, and the parking lots are empty.

    “This is ridiculous,” said ESPN anchor Scott Van Pelt, who regularly covers the PGA Tour.  “I’m calling everyone I know, and nothing.  I get nothing.  I’ve called Tiger, and he reiterates over and over again that he’s not retiring.  I know Tiger hasn’t won a tournament in years, but he’s still a marquee name.  You can’t just get rid of him.  Right?”

    Ever since that unforgettable Thanksgiving night in 2009, Woods has not been the same golfer he was for much of his professional career.  His health, mental and physical, has prevented him from playing for long stretches.  During this time, several other players have tried to fill the void left by Woods, but no one has yet, and PGA Tour ratings have plummeted.

    “Look,” said an exasperated Woods, “I know I haven’t been very good lately, but so what?  I’m working hard everyday to get better, and I can still compete at a high level.  They can’t just kick me out.”

    “This is a joke, right?  Is this a new, weird TV show that I don’t know about?  Why won’t anyone answer me?”

  • Muskrat and QT(pi)’s Team Up, Somehow, to Stop Giant Teddy Ruxbin

    Muskrat and QT(pi)’s Team Up, Somehow, to Stop Giant Teddy Ruxbin

    muskratweb
    Muskrat file photo

    By Buffy Bolivar

    QUEENS, New York – In one of the strangest, and cutest, team-ups to date, Muskrat and the QTπ’s joined forces to stop a toy monster from rampaging through Queens today.

    Muskrat, the clawed superhero who specializes in getting dirty, was in Brooklyn today for undisclosed reasons when he heard reports of a monster in Queens.  The QTπ’s, the pre-teen, all-girls superhero team, were at a Mets game in Citi Field when the monster landed on the field.  It was a giant Teddy Ruxbin that had gained sentience through the machinations of the QTπ’s archenemy, Count Von Badd and his son, Prince Von Badd.

    The QTπ’s flew into action, pounding and zapping the giant Teddy Ruxbin with all their might, but the bear would not stop.  It stomped all over the field, sending players and fans running, all the while asking if the girl superheroes wanted to be his friend.  The QTπ’s reportedly declined.

    Muskrat flew in a helicopter to the scene and dove onto the head of Teddy Ruxbin.  He slashed through the hide of Teddy to get at the circuitry inside, but the bear spun its head in circles, sending him flying.  Punch Girl caught him mid-air despite the fact Muskrat is four-times her size.  This was when he realized the QTπ’s were on the scene and that he was fighting Teddy Ruxbin.

    The girl superheroes became giddy at the sight of a Peace Force member teaming up with them, according to eye witnesses, and Muskrat didn’t know how to respond.  Spotting an opening, Teddy Ruxbin tried to stomp on them while also trying to tell them a fairy tale.  For the next several minutes, the QTπ’s and Muskrat concentrated on clearing the park of civilians while keeping the giant robotic bear from leaving.

    Punch Girl and Muskrat flew around to the back of Teddy Ruxbin while Bomb Girl, Mad Madison, and Flower Power Girl kept its eyes on them.  Muskrat cut into the paneling on Teddy’s back, and Punch Girl ripped it off.  Inside was a giant cassette tape that appeared to be controlling the robot.  Not knowing what it was, Punch Girl punched it into pieces, and the Teddy Ruxbin shut down.

    A monitor behind the cassette tape showed Count and Prince Von Badd laughing maniacally and cursing the QTπ’s for ruining their plans, somehow alternating between those two verbalizations, and Punch Girl punched that, too.  No one knows what the Von Badd’s plans ultimately were.

    The QTπ’s were able to gather all the pieces of the Teddy Ruxbin and fly it to an NYPD evidence shelter for further investigation.  They also managed to rebuild the destroyed parts of Citi Field, though the groundskeepers will need to resod part of the grass.

    And of course, the QTπ’s got selfies with an uncomfortable Muskrat, all at once.

  • Space News Roundup 7.28.15

    Space News Roundup 7.28.15

    spacenews

    By Karna Firaliz

    OORT CLOUD – Local Group Police (LGP) have arrested 230 sentient beings and their hideous steeds on suspicion of plotting a quantillium shipment that was due to come through the Oort Cloud two Earth weeks from now.  The sentient beings, a mixture of several space pirate brigades, galaxy drifters, and anti-matter bandits, were hiding out on the various planetesimals, and somehow hid their steeds (interstellar whales, snakes, and a smattering of living motorcycles) behind the small hunks of ice and rock.  The LGP was tipped off to their location after a brawl between two rival pirate brigades broke out and turned explosive after touching the anti-matter bandits.  The light from explosions reflected off the icy rocks and reached a nearby LGP outpost roughly 300,000 Earth kilometers away.  The LGP armada was called in and made the arrests after a 5 Earth-hour laser fight.

    MONGOLIA, Pegasus Galaxy – A mysterious pyramid suddenly appeared on Mongolia’s moon, ominously pointing at the planet.  Mongolian officials (note:  this planet just coincidentally shares its name with the Earth nation) sent up a team to investigate.  Reportedly, the Mongolian government suspected it was a volcano, but with its four symmetrical sides, they feared it will be a doomsday weapon.

    TROT, Milky Way Galaxy – Cart Befer Moop, the famed Loorian explorer, who was on a mission to chart every planet in the Milky Way Galaxy, tragically died three Earth days ago when she was eaten by a living planet in the Sagittarius Arm.  Her ship along with its  records were spat out by the planet, and it landed on the planet Trot.  Before Moop died, she had charted 3,429 planets, planetoids, and moons.  She was only 745 Earth year old, young by her species’ standards.

    S’TOK, Andromeda Galaxy – A group of JNNKO college students ransacked the peaceful, solipsistic beings of S’Tok, famous for not believing anyone or anything outside of their planet actually exists.  The college students were rowdy, drinking alcohol at all hours of the day, taking food right out of the local S’Tok’s hands, and pushing and hitting the locals, all without resistance.  A pair of Xim tourists happened to be in the vicinity and did their best to help the locals, but the college students outnumbered them.  When they finally got bored, the JNNKO college students left five villages in shambles.  When asked by the Xim tourists why they let the college students do this to them, the S’Tok wondered how the destruction happened.  The local police arrived on the scene, but they wouldn’t take down the Xims statements because they didn’t believe the Xims actually existed.  Exasperated, the Xim tourists left S’Tok in disgust.

  • World News Roundup 7.24.15

    World News Roundup 7.24.15

    worldnews

    By Falco Rockbert

    MONACO – The annual Grand Prix through the city streets of Monaco ended early today after a kraken attacked the coastline.  The kraken’s giant tentacles slammed into the streets, destroying hundreds of cars and injuring dozens of people.  Earlier in the day, some deep sea explorers had brought up an object to Monaco’s ports, and the kraken was after this object, now believed to be its offspring due to its resemblance to a squid’s egg.  Local superhero, Le Héros, was able to keep the kraken at bay while the police and explorers returned the object to the sea.  Once the kraken had the object in its giant tentacles, it left.  Le Héros followed it underground to make sure it wouldn’t return, and the Grand Prix was cancelled.

    RIO DE JANEIRO, Brazil – Numerous witnesses have reported over the past three days that the Christ the Redeemer statue has been blinking.  Authorities were initially skeptical of the reports, but someone filmed the statue for four hours and caught the stone Jesus blinking ten times.  While many believers think this is a sign from God, authorities believe some magic trickery is the cause of this phenomenon.

    MONSTER ISLAND, Pacific Ocean – Bobo and Baba, the giant gorilla couple, gave birth to their first baby boy, Bibi, two days ago.  The newborn is a healthy 18 tons and 20 feet tall, but those are approximations as the new parents are understandably protective of their son.  Also, local human researchers couldn’t get close due to it being mating season for the dinosaurs.

    SAHARA DESERT, Algeria – A giant castle emerged out of the sand over the past week and is now currently above ground in Algeria.  Scientists believe strong winds unearthed much of the castle, but seismologists also reported a small localized earthquake in that area last week.  The castle, according to researchers, looks to be anywhere from 90 BCE to 1500 CE, though those dates are only estimates.  Authorities have cordoned off the area around the castle for 100 kilometers, especially after the initial research party sunk into the sand about a kilometer outside the castle.  The New Amazings have been called in by the Algerian government to investigate.