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  • Dracula’s Daughter Swears Off Human Blood, Defects to Paris

    Dracula’s Daughter Swears Off Human Blood, Defects to Paris

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    by Stan Hopewell

    PARIS — Sophia Dracula, the first daughter of Prime Minister Vladimir Dracula, has formally defected to Paris after swearing off human blood.  Prime Minister Dracula has not yet responded to the news.

    Sophia, born in 1732 to Dracula’s second wife, Morgan, has been loyal to her father for much of her life, and from 1824 to 1890 she served as his Foreign Minister.  She stepped down from the position after growing bored with politics and traveled the world with several boyfriends.  Considered the “wild child” of the family, which is saying something for the Draculas, Sophia has often been at political odds with her father for years.  She opposed “turning” world leaders like Napoleon Bonaparte and John F. Kennedy.  She was active in the Werewolf Wereferendum, granting civil rights to werewolves in the 1930s, and she’s been advocating for her father to step down from office for the past 50 years.

    Now Sophia has sworn off human blood and defected to Paris.  “It’s past time for me to disassociate myself with my father and his regime,” she said in an undisclosed location in Paris.  “I can’t in good conscience support consuming human blood anymore.  I know many people don’t think vampires have consciences, but we do, and if I am to prove it, then I must live what I preach.”

    Human blood is the lifeblood of vampires, so to speak.  Vampires lack the capacity to produce hemoglobin, the protein in blood that transports oxygen from the lungs to the body’s cells.  Consuming blood provides hemoglobin to the vampire allowing them to live and needs to be consumed at least once a week.  The life energy that allows vampires to stay immortal can come from any red-blooded animal, but since humans and vampires are related, humans are the best source of life energy for vampires.

    Sophia knows the dangers inherent in her decision, but she’s confident that her alternative will keep her satisfied.  “The advances in stem cell technology have been nothing short of revolutionary,” she said.  “I can use stem cells from a willing donor to produce gallons of hemoglobins that I can then inject into my body once a week.  Or I can inject them into a bloody beef steak for a more satisfying meal.  Either way, I am not chomping down into a human or raiding a blood bank.”

    Treating her vampirism as a “medical condition” with regular treatments has allowed her to peacefully defect to Paris.  The French government was also pleased to learn top-secret Transylvanian information, which has been reported but unconfirmed by Sophia or the government.  While Transylvania has remained peaceful for much of the past century, Europe is still wary of Dracula.

    “I know my father can be rather tyrannical,” said Sophia, “but I don’t want him to be the face of vampires anymore.  We are better than that, and I need to show the world that, in the light of day.”  In the 1980s she embraced sunlight-reflecting technology and now wears an invisible “second skin” of nanites that can reflect 88% of the sun’s rays, allowing her to walk around in broad daylight.  She now owns Solar Technologies, which produces the “second skin” along with super-thin solar cells and various hard-light technologies.

    “I intend to be a full member of Western society,” said Sophia.  “I will live and work on the same schedule as humans, I will eat like a human, and I will not ‘turn’ anyone.  That is my promise to France and the world.  I will even endure that torture that is waking up in the morning.  I seriously don’t know how you humans do this.”

  • Speedster Defeats Dimension-Hopping Tortoise

    Speedster Defeats Dimension-Hopping Tortoise

    speedsterbwBy Buffy Bolivar

    NEW YORK – Longtime Speedster supervillain The Tortoise gave his archnemesis a run for her money today by hopping through multiple dimensions before finally being defeated on Ellis Island.

    The Tortoise, a.k.a. Mortimer Tortois, has been antagonizing Speedster for the past 40 years, starting with the second Speedster of the 60s, 70s, and 80s.  With each new iteration, Tortois has found a way by science or magic to speed himself up or slow Speedster down.  This time, he had an experimental device implanted into his mechanical shell that allowed him to hop through dimensions, mimicking super speed via bending spacetime.

    “It really did look like he was super fast,” said Bryan Armstrong, who witnessed the beginning and ending of the encounter on Ellis Island.  “One moment, blip, he’s gone, and the next he’s right next to Speedster.  It was really weird.  An old fat dude with a giant metal turtle shell shouldn’t be able to move that fast.”

    The incident began on Ellis Island with The Tortoise dropping down in his giant Tortoise Copter and spitting out fire from its four “legholes”.   The fire dispersed the crowd, and when The Tortoise emerged, Speedster was waiting for him.  She had received his message.

    According to witnesses, Speedster immediately ran to The Tortoise, but he disappeared before she could lay a hand on him.  The Tortoise reappeared on the other side of the island, called out to Speedster.  She ran towards him, and again, he disappeared.  This sequence repeated itself a few more times until The Tortoise began to attack Speedster.  After a few blows, Speedster “ran away”, and The Tortoise thought he had won.  But Speedster had apparently run around the Earth to approach The Tortoise from behind.  Once she tackled him, they both disappeared.

    Thus far, Speedster and the NYPD are not saying where the two went, but given that they both returned to Ellis Island an hour later in different, but similar, clothes, it’s likely they went to different dimensions.  The device, coming from a research lab at MIT, has been reported to be a dimension traveling apparatus that was stolen last night.  Sources at MIT have confirmed the energy signature of The Tortoise match that of the device.

    Why Speedster and The Tortoise were wearing clothes with Jared from Subway on them is unknown.  Presumably, they spent time in a dimension where Jared from Subway is their king.

    Tortois has been arrested, the device has been secured and turned off, and the mechanical turtle shell has been dismantled.  Speedster has not indicated whether her new variant costume will stick around.

  • Dukes Thief Caught, and He’s A Telepath

    Dukes Thief Caught, and He’s A Telepath

    By Packie Williams

    After months of searching, the mysterious Dukes thief has been caught.  His name is Parker Doyle, and he’s reportedly a telepath.

    A tip from the most famous telepath of them all, Professor George Quinton, led the NRPD right to Doyle.  Quinton reportedly heard a story about the thefts from a friend and decided to investigate for himself.  “I had been out of town for the past few weeks,” he said, “so I wasn’t caught up on the news.  Then a friend of mine was talking, or rather thinking, about it, and I knew the signs of telepathic tampering right away.”

    After performing a quick psychic sweep of Dukes, Quinton discovered Doyle living in a modest apartment in the University District.  Quinton subdued Doyle’s telepathy until the police were able to arrest him.  In his apartment, they found all of the stolen documents, bonds, and jewelry.  They had their man.

    What exactly Doyle was planning to do with all the money and items he stole hasn’t been determined yet.  The NRPD think he was going to purchase something big, but that case may take longer to solve.  According to sources inside the NRPD, Doyle did not have a computer, tablet, or smart phone in his apartment.  He did not keep journals or mail.  He apparently didn’t even have writing utensils.  Whatever he was planning is locked within his mind, and his telepathy has now be locked shut with an inhibitor collar.

    Doyle is being held at NRPD Headquarters as the police investigate his crimes.  Now it seems that Dukes can sleep easier with Doyle behind bars.

  • Asimovia Brings Gifts to Japan Meeting

    Asimovia Brings Gifts to Japan Meeting

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    By Stan Hopewell

    NAGASAKI – Japanese officials met with the leader of Asimovia, Victor Priceworth, and five other delegates from the former “Robot Island” in a private meeting.  Priceworth was dressed in impeccable formal wear, looking as human as robotly possible.  Two of the other delegates were androids about the same size as Priceworth but nowhere nearly as human looking.  They were also wearing formal wear.  The other three were a walking robot from the 60s, a large box computer on wheels, and a sentient toaster.  They were all nude.

    Priceworth shook hands with Prime Minister Shinzo Abe and introduced his delegates to him.  It even told a joke to Abe, who laughed but seemed to be doing so out of nerves.  The Asimovians brought with them a large crate full of gifts to Japan in another apparent measure of goodwill.  Before Priceworth could uncover the crate, the Japanese military that surrounded the initial meeting raised all of their guns, tanks, and giant man-piloted fighting robots, which had somehow hid themselves behind some trees.  After a brief standoff, Priceworth ensured the humans that this was not a trick.  Abe ordered his men to stand down, but not the giant fighting robots.

    Priceworth removed the cover on the crate, slowly, while the sentient toaster hid behind its leg.  On the crate were nearly two tons of concrete.  The Japanese delegates and soldiers didn’t react.  Less than impressed, Abe said something to Priceworth, and it lit up.  It brought out a large chest that was stuck inside the concrete blocks and was about to open it when the military raised their weapons again.  After waving them down, Abe opened the chest himself and found stacks of photos and documents.

    The Japanese government has not made it public what the photos and documents were exactly, but Abe seemed either deeply shaken or deeply moved by the chest.  They talked for several minutes about the contents of the chest, and the toaster began to rub up against Abe’s leg.  The two shook hands, and Abe ordered that the chest and concrete be taken away and for the Asimovians to be transported to another location.

    Abe and Priceworth left in their own private limousine, accompanied by the toaster, while the other delegates were hauled into a reinforced truck.

  • Montezuma Attacks Military Base, Gives Soldiers “The Runs”

    Montezuma Attacks Military Base, Gives Soldiers “The Runs”

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    by Skip Daverman

    MEXICO CITY — The resurrected Aztec king, Montezuma, attacked the Campo Militar No. 1 military base in the Mexican capital, again riding his giant feathered serpent, Quetzalcoatl.

    The attack came out of nowhere as Quetzalcoatl suddenly appeared out of the clouds above the base.  The Mexican troops did not have time to mount an effective defense.  The feathered serpent fired lightning bolts from its mouth, destroying tanks and garrisons in short order.  El Toro, along with several other local superheroes, were too late to help out as Montezuma left nearly as soon as he appeared.  Four people were reported dead from the attack, and several dozen more were injured.

    Montezuma did leave a message via the radio.  Translated from Spanish, he said, “Fools!  This is the true power of the Triple Alliance!  These wretched Spaniard soldiers did the cowering under my power.  They ran fast as I appeared.  They knew the force I am.  I gave them the runs and the explosions out the rear of the base!”

    The translation from Spanish is a direct one.  It is not his first language, and even native Spanish speakers were thrown off by his syntax.

    “I, Montezuma,” he continued, “will continue my the revenge against the mongrel Spaniards.  I will make them run into the toilets until there is no more to run!  Beware or bow down to my might!”

    The Mexican government would not comment on the attack, though they said they were investigating how Quetzalcoatl teleported above Campo Militar No. 1.  Several scientists in the area did detect a strange radiation spike in the area during the attack.  “It’s faint, but it’s there,” said Dr. Miguel Villareal, professor of physics at Universidad Nacional Autonoma de Mexico.  “The radiation signature doesn’t appear to be harmful by itself, but with some more analysis, we may be able to figure out how it works and how to predict it.”

    “But seriously,” he said, “does Montezuma not know what his ‘revenge’ means?  This is getting gross.”

  • Rare Quantillium Shipment Stolen by Apparent Multiplier

    Rare Quantillium Shipment Stolen by Apparent Multiplier

    By Packie Williams

    A shipment of the rare space rock, quantillium, was being transported from the docks to ATOM Labs for research purposes last night, when the armored van was hijacked by masked men, at least one of whom was a multiplier.

    The shipment of quantillium, a rock from the Mark-9 Solar System, was meant as a gift from the Thranzxians to Earth for the Peace Force’s role in saving their planet from a swarm of telepathic insects last year.  Quantillium has many unique energy-absorbing properties that not even the Thranzxians fully understand.  The gift, which weighed no more than a few pounds, was to be examined and studied by ATOM Labs, under the supervision of Dr. Amazing.

    The quantillium was initially received in Paris and then shipped to New Romford by boat.  It was being delivered discretely at night because an ounce is worth millions on the black market.  Somehow, news of the shipment leaked, and three men surrounded the armored van using two semis and a forklift.

    A firefight followed between the guards and the masked men.  The guards reported that only three men were involved in the robbery, but more masked men appeared after they threw smoke bombs at the van.  The masked men, who were dressed in black like the men in the Winston National Bank robbery a few weeks ago, overpowered the guards, knocking them out and driving away with the armored van.

    The NRPD responded to the alarm sounded by the guards as the robbery began and chased them down Miller Road.  After winding through downtown for nearly 15 minutes, the masked men turned down an alley on 18th St and unloaded the shipment.  The police followed them on foot, and during the chase, one of the masked men split into two in front of an officer.  Then it was impossible for the police to capture the robbers as they kept multiplying.

    Unfortunately, the robbers made it out with the quantillium, but now that a superhuman is involved with the case, the Peace Force has assigned two members to search for the culprits.  Neither the NRPD or ATOM Labs would comment on the record about the incident.

  • Ask Julia: Why Don’t Historians Use Time Machines?

    Ask Julia: Why Don’t Historians Use Time Machines?

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    By Julia Crumpleman

    Greetings, fellow history buffs!  Today’s question comes from Julia (hey, nice name!) from Frenchtown.

    So, I keep seeing all these superpeople go back in time for God knows what, and it got me thinking.  Why don’t we use time machines to learn about history?  I’m sure historians and archaeologists would like to know what happened in the past.

    Julia, that is a fantastic question!  It’s one I’ve often wondered about from time to time, so I did a little digging.  Unfortunately, I don’t think time travel archaeology expeditions are going to happen (at least not often).

    Despite how often time travel seems to happen, the majority of time travels occur from one of our many futures.  According to the State Department’s statistics, 76 of the known 126 time travels are of this kind of travel.  Someone from one of our many futures comes to our present.  Only about 40% of all time travels begin from our time.

    Even so, that’s still 50 time travels.  That’s a lot, right?  It is, but you have to look at who took those travels and where.  19 were taken by The Amazings alone in their many adventures; 12 were taken by supervillain Herr Gerfahr; and 8 were taken by the Peace Force or one of their enemies.  That’s 39 of the time travels, and the other 11 are various superheroes, supervillains, aliens, space monsters, and Dark Lords.  None of these time travelers teach at a university.

    The fact is that time travel takes up massive amounts of electricity to open a time portal.  The exact amount is classified, but it’s an insanely large amount.  Dr. Amazing was quoted, back in 1983, that one hour of time travel (that is, going back in time one hour) takes “about as much energy as a nuclear power plant produces in a day”.  That’s a lot, but it also depends on the model of time machine.  Ones built within the last ten years use about a fiftieth of those models from the 80s, but the length of time travel increases the amount of power needed.  Today, you can travel back a little over two days into the past on the same amount of power that a 1980s machine needed to go back one hour.  It’s still a lot of energy, and energy is expensive.

    Dr. Amazing gets grants from the government and money from patents and speaking engagements to power his time machine (and, reportedly, a highly-experimental energy source).  The Peace Force has wealthy investors, although their time jaunts are made on a case-by-case basis.  And Herr Gerfahr is evil.  The only other way to time travel would be through someone’s superpower or magical ability, or by finding a wormhole by chance, but again, none of these are readily available to historians and archaeologists.

    And that’s not even taking into account any time paradoxes and alterations from time travel.  Trust me, those will give you headaches.

    So, for now, we’ll have to stick with the old-fashioned methods, Julia.