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Condor-Man Comes Back to Life in Record Time

By Packie Williams

CHICAGO – Despite an extensive review of his deceased body, Paul Condorman, a.k.a. Condor-Man, has come back to life just ten days after he apparently died, the fastest resurrection ever recorded for a superhero.

Condor-Man died while engaged in combat with the supervillain Claymore ten days ago, and a Peace Force doctor examined his body to make sure it was indeed Condor-Man and not a clone, robot, or any number of deceptions. The doctor declared the body to be Condorman’s actual body and that he was actually deceased. But Condorman apparently had another superpower that not even he was aware of, which resurrected him.

“Paul has condor powers,” said Jocelyn Peters, the Peace Force doctor who examined his body, “and we just thought that meant he could talk to birds and find carcasses to eat. He always said he had a ‘condor-sense,’ and we just took him at his word that that was a thing. We always thought it was a danger awareness system or something along those lines, but I guess it can bring him back to life, too, which was a shock to Paul when he woke up in his coffin.”

“Well, I’m sure being covered in chemical burns probably freaked him out as much as the coffin did.”

Condorman’s “condor-sense” pulled his consciousness into another dimension, as far as Peace Force scientists can surmise, and somehow preserved his body without giving off any radiation or heat. When he awoke, he cried in agony, alerting a passerby above ground in the cemetery he was buried in. Condorman was dug out by a team of eight people, two groundskeepers and six people who happened to be at the cemetery.

Then, Condorman was exposed to the sun, which somehow healed his chemical burns and restored his health. Again, this was chalked up to his condor powers.

“I guess condors are really, really powerful?” said Peters. “You get hit by radiation, chemicals, and condor DNA, and apparently, you’ve got resurrection powers? I mean, I call [expletive] on all this, really. There’s probably something sinister going on here.”

“That makes more sense than ‘condor-sense.’”

Condorman didn’t respond to any media outlets for comments. The Peace Force has reunited him with his family, and he intends to retire from superheroing.

November 22, 2016
BREAKING: Titana and Positron Destroy Barbarian Orb, Return City to Normal (Again) (For Now)

By Chase Chapley

After tangling with barbarians at the Seaside Castle, Titana and Positron destroyed a barbarian orb by throwing it into the sun, returning the city and citizens back to normal (again).

Hundreds of people magically turned back into barbarians tonight after prolonged exposure to various barbarian artifacts left over from Vrog’s brief reign over New Romford. They became violent and began to loot and pillage as they headed to the Seaside Castle. The area around the Seaside Castle began to turn into various barbarian buildings, barracks, and homes, and when the NRPD tried to stop them, they turned into barbarians.

A team of five or six Peace Force members joined the battle, and they too turned into barbarians, except for Titana and Positron. Titana possess magical resistance thanks to her armor and natural Amazonian physiology, and Positron could not be turned into a barbarian since he’s an android. The other Peace Force members could not be confirmed in the battle, and the Peace Force would not specify who was there.

Titana and Positron proved to be more than enough against the increasing barbarian army. The battle became difficult when their teammates were thrown into the mix, but they were no match for Titana. Positron found the source of the magical energy in the Seaside Castle, buried under ten feet of stone. They fought their way to the stone and broke it free.

Realizing that breaking it into pieces on Earth would only start this whole ordeal over again, Positron proposed a better idea: throw it into the sun. So he did, and everyone turned back to normal.

The Seaside Castle crumbled to the ground, and every barbarian magically turned back into who they were before the battle. Every barbarian artifact also magically disappeared, and no one knows where they went, which is distressing. ATOM Labs said they were going to monitor this much more closely this time.

For now, the city is back to normal. Again. For now.

November 18, 2016
BREAKING: People Have Turned Back Into Barbarians on Halloween; Not A Prank

By Chase Chapley

The NRPD and Peace Force are reporting that people who have come into prolonged contact with the Seaside Castle or any barbarian objects have turned back into barbarians. They are congregating at the Seaside Castle right now, and even though this is Halloween weekend, this is not a prank.

Ever since Vrog was defeated some time ago, various barbarian artifacts have been found across the city, primarily in Dukes. The Seaside Castle was the most obvious artifact and has since been turned into a tourist attraction. An investigation showed that it contained no magical residue, so it was allowed to remain where it was and to let civilians near it.

Apparently, the investigation should’ve been a bit more thorough.

“I was getting my kids ready to go trick-or-treating,” said Monae Stevenson, “and I look out my window, and there’s a whole bunch of people holding swords and spears and clubs walking by. And they’re wearing, like, animal skins. I thought they were a weird flash mob or something, but then they started smashing cars, and I was all, uh uh, we’re staying home tonight.”

There are multiple reports of similar people marching through the streets of Dukes, smashing cars and menacing people. The NRPD has tried to stop them, but apparently, once the new barbarians touched them, they also turned into barbarians. These reports have been unconfirmed by the NRPD, but several videos have emerged online showing some change happening upon contact.

ATOM Labs has confirmed magical readings similar to Vrog’s in the vicinity of the Seaside Castle, and the Peace Force has sent several heroes to handle the situation.

As of the writing of this article, it has been reported that the buildings adjacent to the Seaside Castle have begun to turn into barbarian structures as more people gather there. It also appears looting has begun around here, too. The NRPD and Peace Force has instructed anyone not turned into a barbarian to avoid the coastal areas of Dukes for the foreseeable future.

More to come soon.

November 15, 2016
Martian-Americans Arrested for “Cheating” in Vegas

By Buffy Bolivar

LAS VEGAS – Twelve Martian-Americans were arrested for cheating at several blackjack tables at the Rio Hotel & Casino using “Martian powers,” which they do not possess.

After selling their land to oil companies, the Martian-Americans of North Dakota were flush with cash. Some are traveling the world, some have relocated to Miami and New York, and some have moved to Las Vegas. Over the past several weeks, they’ve become world-class gamblers. The casinos took notice.

“At first they were welcomed here with open arms,” said Lance Koblich, reporter for the Las Vegas Sentinel. “Especially on the Strip. People would take pictures with them, and they were just having fun. And the city wants to build a spaceport in the future, so the city and county were eager to have them here, show that Vegas was an intergalactic destination.”

The Martian-Americans loved to gamble and took to blackjack in particular. Initially, they had the same luck as most patrons, but they quickly became masters at the game. Night after night, they won more than they lost. That’s when the casinos became suspicious.

“One night, six of them pulled in $35,000 at the Rio,” said Koblich. “They’ve only been in town for a couple weeks and apparently have never played blackjack before. And they bragged about it, too.”

The casinos started following their activities, and after another big payday, $26,000, the Rio called the police. Twelve Martian-Americans were arrested on suspicion of cheating. Neither the Rio nor the police would comment on how exactly the Martian-Americans cheated, but sources reported they cheated via Martian telepathy, skin color manipulation, and X-Ray vision. Martians do not possess any of these powers.

“It’s just ignorance and bigotry,” said Lo’m Carter, now living in Miami. “We win at your games at your casinos, and the only way we can do that is through superpowers? We don’t have any superpowers. At best we can withstand the heat and cold better than you humans. How about we’re just good at your stupid games? How about you don’t treat us like monsters?”

The ACLU is providing legal counsel for the twelve Martian-Americans, and the twelve have already posted bail.

November 8, 2016
‘Reboot Man’ Reboots One Final Time, Flies into the Sun

File photo of Ray Denver as North-Star, many years and reboots ago.

By Packie Williams

CHARLOTTE, North Carolina – Ray Denver, the superhero currently known as Clayman yet more commonly known as Reboot Man, has had yet another reboot. And then he flew into the sun.

Denver had reportedly been living with Professor Carl Poughkeepsie in Charlotte, North Carolina, for the past several months. Poughkeepsie, a geneticist specializing in sentient rocks, was trying to find a way to revert Denver back to his original human form. Then, his lab exploded this morning with him and Denver caught in the blast.

The cause of the blast came from Jandar, an alien warrior from an unknown galaxy. He was reportedly after an artifact that Poughkeepsie kept in his laboratory, and he fired an energy beam from the sky. Poughkeepsie died from the explosion, but Denver survived due to his malleable clay form. Angered over the loss of his friend, Clayman attacked the alien.

By this time, Jandar had grabbed the artifact, a glowing orb. No one knows how Poughkeepsie obtained the orb or what it’s significance is to Jandar, but neither reason is likely a good one.

Clayman and Jandar engaged in combat for several minutes. Clayman had reportedly been injected with several chemicals during his time at the lab, and he was able to hold his own for much longer than expected. For his part, Jandar was annoyed by Clayman more than anything. He broke away and started flying upwards with the orb in tow, but Clayman grabbed onto his leg and flew up with him.

A struggle ensued midair, and somehow, the orb started glowing brighter and brighter. Then it cracked. Clayman got sucked into the orb due to his malleable form, and he absorbed the energy inside. He busted out of the orb, bathed in yellow light, and he no longer looked like Clayman. He looked like Ray Denver again, but only glowing and nude.

Jandar became furious that Denver stole the orb’s power and attacked him. Denver punched him in the face and sent Jandar flying into space. The battle was over.

Denver went back to find Poughkeepsie’s body, and according to the professor, he touched him “with two fingers” on his chest and brought Poughkeepsie back to life. With the professor reanimated, Denver started talking about “the light” and “nothing on Earth being relevant anymore.”

“I didn’t understand one whit what he was saying,” said Poughkeepsie. “Whatever the orb did to him made him almost fall in love with ‘the light.’ He was staring at the sun, looked back at me to say thanks, and flew off into the sun, all while stark naked. I’ve seen some weird things in my life, but this has to be near the top.”

Satellite imagery followed Denver as he did indeed fly into the sun. So far, he has not flown back out of the sun, and reports from Saturn confirm that Jandar was flying past them, not having slowed down from Denver’s one punch. The Peace Force has been informed that Jandar might return assuming he ever stops.

As for Denver, “Well,” said Poughkeepsie, “I just hope the sun loves him as much as he does it. Kids these days.”

November 1, 2016
Pacifica Wins Election, Independence

By Stan Hopewell

ATLANTIS — In a historic election, Pacifica has won its independence in a landslide victory, 68% pro-independence, 30% anti-independence, 2% indifferent.

After the revelation of Atlantean General Jor Q’Rell staging the Laval attack on the Atlantis-Pacifica meeting, and possible time travel shenanigans, King Morn A’Ganor of Atlantis agreed to hold an election to determine the fate of Pacifican independence. Some political observers worried that two weeks was too little time to hold an election, but it went off without a hitch.

“I’ll say this about Atlanteans,” said Luis Mendoza, Political Science Professor at University of Panama, “they are very efficient. Their communications network is incredibly advanced, even in the remotest parts of the oceans, and two weeks was the perfect timeframe for this. They got in and out, quick and easy. If only more overland governments could do this, it’d save us all so much headache.”

The polls for Pacifica independence began in the 50-55% range but quickly rose to 65-75% when the polls included Quornians (the Indian Ocean province). Quornia was especially interested in Pacifican independence as they have also wanted their independence for years. Even most Atlanteans were in favor of Pacifican independence as a cost-cutting measure. Maintaining the world’s largest empire has put a financial strain on Atlantis for decades.

The results from the election were accepted by King A’Ganor. “It’s a historic day for Atlantis and Pacifica,” he said in a statement. “Most nations have to fight wars for their independence, but there will be no war in the oceans. I accept the mandate from all of my people, and we will begin the process of independence in the coming months. I congratulate Viceroy Montae and Pacifica on their victory.”

“Today, a dream has come true,” said Viceroy Montae. “Our great nation of Pacifica has won its freedom. There were days I never thought this would happen, and I want to thank King Morn for working with us to fulfill our dream. I also want to thank everyone who voted for independence and my staff for working hard to get out the vote. I look forward to working Atlantis to make a smooth transition to independence and to working with Atlantis in the future as equals.”

The actual process of granting Pacifica their freedom will likely take several months. Resources will have to be divided, border and trade agreements will need to be written, and the Pacifican government will have to be formed. All indications show Pacifica will use a parliamentary system.

But for now, there is elation, and peace, in the Pacific Ocean.

October 25, 2016
’97 Tiger Is Stuck in the Present Now

By Dash Hamley

NEW YORK – It looks like the ’97 Tiger Woods, who was brought to the present through a time machine and dubious reasons, will be sticking around the present for a while.

After the disastrous end to the “Tiger vs. Tiger” match, the PGA, under supervision of Dr. Amazing and 24 federal agents, was set to send ’97 Tiger back to his time. Dr. Amazing had brought his time portal to the PGA offices as part of a big send-off for the young Tiger Woods, and of course, it was televised. It was a two-hour long special, highlighting the golfer’s achievements and journey into his future. Then, they sent him off into the time portal.

And he bounced back.

The time portal wouldn’t accept ’97 Tiger for some reason. No amount of fiddling with the controls or pushing Tiger into the portal could make him go away. He was apparently stuck here.

“I don’t understand what’s going on, really,” said Dr. Amazing, the world’s foremost expert on time travel. “And if I’m saying that, then you know it’s really unusual. I’ve tried every setting and every possible avenue, and nothing. He’s stuck here, I guess?”

The broadcast was cut off, and the young Tiger was reportedly whisked away for testing. The PGA said they were having “technical difficulties” and would have “the good, young Tiger back to his time in no time.”

After the examination, Dr. Amazing only gave a brief assessment of the situation to a room full of reporters. “We’re still working on the matter,” he said. “But we have some ideas, and we’re going to test them all out. There’s no, uh, time table for this right now, and other time-related words and phrases.” Clearly flustered by all of the reporters, Dr. Amazing flattened himself into a thin sheet of himself and scooted himself under a locked door.

The present-day Tiger was asked for comment on the situation but did not respond.

October 18, 2016