The New Romford Free Press

Blog

  • Androids Declare Independence on ‘Robot Island’

    robotislandsm

    By Stan Hopewell

    TOKYO – At least 200 sentient androids have declared independence from the world, and in particular Japan, and have made a home for themselves on Hashima Island.  They have redubbed it “Robot Island.”

    The news came as a surprise to everyone, including Japan, who still technically owns Hashima.  The island was originally a coal-mining facility and was known for its concrete apartment buildings, but it has been abandoned for decades.  Recently, the Japanese government has allowed tourists to roam the island as its barren streets and blighted buildings have a stark, yet eerie beauty to them.  It has been the inspiration for the setting of many movies and video games, but now, it seems the robots have taken up residence on the abandoned island.

    “We want home,” said Robotron 8.5, leader of Robot Island.  “World is cruel to robot.  Robot want to install new home.  Hashima is new directory.”

    The 200 plus robots range from small appliance-type robots to full-fledged human-looking androids who speak fluently in all known languages.  Why Robotron 8.5, with its stilted syntax, was chosen to speak for the group is not apparent.  It is speculated that their voice boxes or logic spheres were damaged, and that could also be a reason why they banded together to form a new nation.  Robots are often feared because of their cold, aloof demeanors but also because of sci-fi movies that depict robots as evil overlords who rule over humanity.  They have never formed a political group before now, and their pop culture image has already led some analysts to fear that this may be the beginning of their takeover.

    So far, Japan has not reacted to this public declaration of independence.  Reports from inside Parliament suggest that this caught them by surprise.  An official response is expected sometime soon, but for now, the robots have a home.

  • Werewolves Protest Lower Silver Taxes

    werewolfprotestBy Skip Daverman

    CLUJ, Transylvania – After a proposal by the Transylvanian government to lower silver taxes, the nation’s werewolf community came out to protest today with an estimated crowd of 40,000 protestors.

    Last week, Prime Minister Dracula and several MPs wrote a proposal to lower the nation’s longstanding heavy silver tax as a way to boost job growth.  The tax currently sits at 340% of the global buying price for silver, and that tax is applied to all imports into Transylvania and to any purchase of any product containing any amount of silver that is sold within the country.  Dracula and his fellow MPs, none of whom are werewolves, argue that such a high tax prevents high-tech equipment and medical supplies from being imported in, stunting economic growth.

    “Silver is an important super conductor,” said Dracula.  “You don’t even realize what kind of machinery and electronics it is in unless you can’t have it.  If we are to progress in the 21st century, then we need to lower the tax so that all citizens can benefit.”

    The proposal asks for the tax to be reduced to 100% of the global buying price, but the Lupine community made it known that any kind of reduction was a threat to their very existence.  Chants of “silver is death” rang through the crowd as many people held signs.  One sign read, “Why not reduce garlic tax, too?!”

    “There’s a reason why silver was taxed so high,” said Dinu Nicolescu, werewolf protest leader, who also lost in the last election to Dracula.  “Silver is toxic to werewolves, and lowering taxes on silver for ‘economic growth’ is just a deception aimed at wiping out the Lupine people.”

    Dracula flatly denied Nicolescu’s allegations, calling them “paranoia”.  “My job as Prime Minister is to help this nation to prosper,” he said.  “We are behind the rest of Europe by at least 15 years because of these ancient taxes that don’t mean much today.  We will take every step to prevent silver from being extracted from goods and formed into bullets just as we always have.  I will make sure that the penalties for such actions will not only remain but be strengthened by this proposal, and I will make sure every product containing silver will be labeled as such.  But the truth of the matter is that most of the silver imported will be small amounts built into the machines, and it would be too difficult for anyone to extract and reform into a weapon.”

    As for lowering the garlic tax, since that is dangerous to vampires, Dracula said, “Do not be ridiculous.  Garlic cannot be made into machines.”

  • Kelsey Grammer in Hospital for Stepping on Rakes

    Kelsey Grammer in Hospital for Stepping on Rakes

    By Julia Crumpleman

    HOLLYWOOD — Actor Kelsey Grammer was hospitalized yesterday for stepping on “at least 40 rakes” while shooting his new TV show Montgomery.

    Just last month Grammer stepped on a misplaced rake at the Marty & Irene premiere in New Romford, reminiscent of his Sideshow Bob character from The Simpsons.  But now he seems to be stepping on rakes on a regular basis, at least according to people on the set.

    “It was weird,” said one unnamed source.  “This show is set in outer space, and there’s not an ounce of grass or leaves or nothing for miles.  Where are all these rakes coming from?”   Montgomery is a new show about a politician on a space colony who tries to keep the peace among the various alien life forms, and Grammer is the title character.  The show is filmed on several indoor sound stages and boasts that it casts real aliens for all the non-Earthling lifeforms.  Some people have suggested that the aliens are laying down rakes all over the set for unknown reasons.

    “Why would we do that?” said one of the alien actors through a translator app on its phone.  “Most of us don’t even have our green cards yet, and I didn’t even know what a rake was until I saw Mr. Grammer step on five of them.”

    On the first day of shooting, Grammer reportedly stepped on five rakes.  On the second day, he stepped on eight.  By the time he stepped on five in a row on day three, he was audibly grumbling much like Sideshow Bob according to those around him.  Eventually, after day six, he was admitted to the hospital for a minor skull fracture.  Doctors ran a series of tests to determine how he was attracting so many rakes, but the results were inconclusive.

    Grammer would not comment, neither would the studio, but the actor is expected to make a full recovery.

  • Pacifica Declares Independence from Atlantis

    atlpacmapsm
    Original Map by Free Vector Maps

    By Falco Rockbert

    PACIFICA – The underwater city and province, Pacifica, which has been under Atlantean rule since it was colonized over 500 years ago has formally declared independence.

    Viceroy Parr’Ell Montae of Pacifica, who had been overseeing the entire Pacific region of the world’s oceans for Atlantis for the past 16 years, made the declaration in writing.  Translated from Atlantean, it read, “For 532 years, Pacifica has been a dutiful colony and province of the great Atlantis Empire.  In our time, we have helped to colonize over 5,000 towns, cities, ports, and outposts in the Pacific, and we have helped our brothers and sisters in the Atlantic and Indian fight those who would wish to rule the seas as well as the land.  The wonderful bounty of the Pacific has helped strengthen not only Pacifica but also Atlantis, but the time has come for Pacifica to rule itself.  We declare our independence from our brothers and sisters in peace.”

    The declaration was not a surprise.  The Pacifican parliament has been accumulating pro-secession MPs for the past 40 years, and just last year, the secessionists gained a 60% majority.  Though unconfirmed, reports from Atlantis in recent months have suggested that Viceroy Montae has been lobbying King Morn A’Ganor behind closed doors for independence.

    The Pacifica Province, which covers the entirety of the Pacific Ocean floor, is by far the richest province in the Atlantis Empire.  Petroleum and natural gas are more prevalent in the Pacific, pearls and coral reefs are more abundant, and the kelp farms are bigger.  The volcanic activity, while volatile, provides many raw materials that have helped strengthen the Atlantis military.  The Pacific is also a direct route to Japan, China, Korea, Australia, and the United States, all strategic alliances that Pacifica maintains.  Losing Pacifica would dramatically affect the Atlantis Empire’s economic and political stability.

    Among the list of concerns in the declaration from Viceroy Montae, lack of support from Atlantis is at the top of the list.  “We feel that Pacifican problems are best solved by Pacificans,” read the declaration.  “Pacifica is too large and distant to be ruled, completely, by the great Atlantis Empire.  Furthermore, the taxes and port fees at the Panama Canal and Tierra del Fuego have risen beyond reason, and the reduction in volcano relief has put Pacificans in great danger.  We understand that times are tough for everyone in the Atlantis Empire, and we wish to ease part of your burden while also gaining self-governance.”

    King A’Ganor has not responded to the declaration and is not expected to for several days while he and his Royal Circle discuss the issue.

  • Lightning Bug Trial Begins; Dinosaur Queen Sent to Federal Court

    Lightning Bug Trial Begins; Dinosaur Queen Sent to Federal Court

    lbdq

    By Chase Chapley

    Today’s supervillain legal roundup sees two of New Romford’s most recent criminals in court.  Lightning Bug, a.k.a. Horace Wagner, was in New Romford City Court, which had been deemed functional by engineers after the Dino-Day Disaster, for the start of his trial.  Last month, Wagner is accused of causing an explosion in the Verzatt Estates.  He was later apprehended by Speedster on I-188.

    Wagner is being tried on eight counts of destruction of property, three counts of illegal possession of advanced weaponry, and one count of vandalism, battery, and unlawful possession of mutated organisms.  While many legal experts expected a plea deal for this case, Wagner pled not guilty to all charges.  “It’s probably not the smart move,” said legal expert, Burt Montana.  “There is security camera footage of him exiting the exploded building, he was wearing his illegal armor, and who else uses giant bugs as a motif?  It’s a pretty open-and-shut case.”

    Meanwhile, Dinosaur Queen, whose attack killed at least 79 people and caused billions in property damage, is being sent to federal court and probably out of state.  The Dino-Day Disaster is being considered a terrorist attack and if convicted would incur a much harsher punishment.  Some politicians are even suggesting sending her to Guantanamo Bay, although that seems unlikely.  For the time being, she’s being kept in an undisclosed location, and her pet dinosaur, Rawrasaur, is being kept in a separate undisclosed location.

  • Ask Julia: What About ‘The Gator’?

    Ask Julia: What About ‘The Gator’?

    askjulia

    By Julia Crumpleman

    profgatorWith New Romford still recuperating from the Dino-Day Disaster, I debated when I’d return to doing this column.  After all, there are much more pressing things to do, but that hasn’t stopped readers from sending me questions.  For any questions regarding the clean-up and recovery effort, please contact your local authorities and crisis management office.  They will be able to help you.

    Then it occurred to me that if I could provide some light distraction from our recent plight, why not do it?  So I picked one of the lighter questions and got a surprisingly pleasant response.  This question comes from Aaron in Carterson:

    Hey Julia, I was wondering what happened to Professor Gator at NRU?  Did he change into a dinosaur too?

    Aaron, I’m glad you asked because I hadn’t thought of it until now!  Furthermore, I wonder what happened to our extraterrestrial citizens.  They aren’t from Earth and would have no connection to dinosaurs.  Perhaps we’ll find out in time, but for now, I got the pleasure to speak with Professor Alan Guinness, a.k.a. “The Gator” or “Professor Gator”, about his experience.  Here’s what he had to say:

    Oh, ho ho, no I didn’t turn into a dinosaur, at least not what most people would think of when you say dinosaur.  I actually turned into an ancient version of an alligator.  From the best I could tell, I turned into a Deinosuchus riograndensis, basically a giant old alligator from the Cretaceous period.  I tripled in size, so I was about 30-35 feet long, and I wasn’t able to walk on two legs.

    It was a unique experience to say the least.  I was in my lab, which, thankfully, can hold a 30-foot long creature without much damage.  I was able to crawl out the door to see what was happening, but I really wasn’t able to do much other than destroy things with my tail by accident.  It was such a cumbersome thing.

    Thankfully, not much happened at my part of the campus.  The Dino Army wasn’t interested in us, apparently, so some of the professors and I kept the students together and took time studying ourselves.  I mean, how often do you get to study living, breathing dinosaurs up close and literally in person?  Once we got some food in us, we had a grand old time.  We gathered so much information on how dinosaurs walk, eat, and live.  I only wish we had hands so we could’ve written it all down, but we did the best we could.

    There you have it, Aaron!  I’m glad that someone was able to find something positive about the DDD, and Professor Guinness is just the alligator to do it.

  • Inmate Tries to Speed Through Sentence, Extends It Instead

    Inmate Tries to Speed Through Sentence, Extends It Instead

    By Packie Williams

    CHICAGO – Larry Canary, an inmate at Greywalker Prison outside of Chicago, tried to work a time device to speed up his sentence, but the device backfired on him in an unexpected way.

    Canary was convicted two years ago for trafficking weapons, drugs, and money for the mob.  He was sentenced to 20 years in prison with possibility for parole in 10, but after participating in a failed breakout last August, another 20 years was added onto his sentence.  So he tried to “fast forward” through time with several smuggled components.

    “We’re not sure where he got the parts,” said the warden, Jack Offman, “or how he put them together without us knowing.  Someone wrote out some complicated instructions for him on how to build this device, but Larry was never a science guy or an engineer.  He just knows how to traffic weapons.  It’s no wonder he screwed up.”

    The device Canary built was intended to “fast forward” himself through his sentence like if he were to fast forward through a DVR recording.  When he activated the device, a bright light flashed in his cell, and nothing seemed to happen.  The guards checked his cell, and he was moving slow, very slow.  They ordered him out of his cell, and he complied.  It took him six minutes to take one step.

    An hour later, Canary had finally exited his cell, but by then, the guards had already confiscated the device, which had broken, and searched his person.  To avoid waiting for him to walk to another cell for questioning, two guards picked him up, as if he were a log, and carried him there.  By morning, a full ten hours later, Canary had finally realized that he wasn’t in his cell anymore and that something was amiss.

    “This is the craziest thing I’ve ever experienced,” said Offman.  “I’ve dealt with animal people, mud men, Keymaster, and Al Capone clones, but this takes the cake.  Figuring out what to do with Larry Canary is going to be a disaster.  We’re going to have to hook him up to an IV and a catheter just to keep him alive.  Never mind, it’s going to take years just to get him to answer one question.”

    Since the incident, the warden has talked to Dr. Amazing to understand what happened.  Apparently, the device was to lower Canary’s chronoton levels, which regulate an objects experience of time.  The less chronotons, the faster time goes by for the object.  Canary’s device backfired and overloaded his chronoton levels, bogging him down in slower time.  “But it wouldn’t ever ‘fast forward’ him through time,” said Dr. Amazing.  “That takes a proper time machine.  All this would do, if it worked like Canary thought, is put him into ‘fast forward’ and make his sentence seem longer.  Although maybe it worked exactly like he thought.  He is moving slower to us, but we’re moving faster to him, so one of his days will be one of our months.”

    “Perhaps he got what he wanted after all.”

    Even still, another 20 years was added onto Canary’s sentence, and he will have to endure the abuse given to him by his fellow inmates.  “He gets smacked upside the head,” said Offman, “and it takes another four hours for him to respond.”  Currently, Canary is in an isolated workshop, making a license plate by hand.  The warden hopes he will finish it by next month.