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  • Appottomaxx Sector Declares Itself ‘Earth-Free’

    Appottomaxx Sector Declares Itself ‘Earth-Free’

    By Karna Firaliz

    APPOTTOMAXX SECTOR, Milky Way Galaxy – One of the largest sectors in the Milky Way Galaxy has declared itself to be an “Earth-Free Zone,” effective immediately.

    The Appottomaxx Sector is located in the Perseus Arm and contains over 6,000 star systems and over 1,500 autonomous empires, nations, and polities.  The Perseus Arm is the closest outer arm of the Milky Way to the Cygnus Arm, where Earth resides.  It is also one of the sectors Earthlings tend to visit most, especially when traveling out of the galaxy.

    “We have long allowed the Earthlings to pass through our sector unimpeded,” read a statement from Lord Yungue of the Yanklu Empire on behalf of 1,328 nations.  “At first, we greeted them with open arms.  Earth was a young planet who recently learned the joys of space travel.  We wished to aid them, wished to teach them, wished to learn from them.  But now, we can no longer allow them into our sector.”

    “Earthlings have started at least six intergalactic wars in the past 40 Time Cycles [roughly 65 Earth years], and when that happens, armies travel through our sector to fight them.  We have nothing to do with these wars, yet we still get attacked.  And Earthlings are fond of acquiring doomsday weapons and intergalactic cosmic entities, and our empires suffer the consequences.”

    “And on top of all of this, Earthlings think they’re the center of the cosmos.  They have no respect for our people, and they invite chaos and mischief.”

    “For all of these reasons and more, we are closing off our sector to Earthlings.  We are an Earth-Free Zone, effective immediately.  All Earthlings must vacate our sector in three Day Cycles [about two Earth days] or else they will be escorted out by force.  Any spaceship with an Earthling onboard, even if it didn’t originate from Earth will not be permitted into our sector.  We will use force if needed.”

    The Earth’s governments are aware of the decree but have not responded, possibly because very few of them have space programs or know where the Appottomaxx Sector is.

  • LA Gridlock: Kurt Russell Helps People Escape from LA Because Of Course He Does

    LA Gridlock: Kurt Russell Helps People Escape from LA Because Of Course He Does

    kurtrussell
    Image from the movie Escape from L.A.

    By Buffy Bolivar

    LOS ANGELES – Famous Actor, Kurt Russell, has apparently been helping people escape from Los Angeles and the surrounding areas, and yes, he realizes how that sounds.

    “I can’t believe he’s actually doing this,” said Roger McCormick, who was helped out of the LA Gridlock by Russell.  “I asked him, ‘Seriously?  You’re doing this?’  And he was like, ‘Yeah yeah, I know.  Come on, you want to get out of here, right?’  It was wild, man.  Just wild.”

    According to those who escaped LA, Russell was in his Beverly Hills home when the Gridlock happened, and his fellow actors and Hollywood cohorts asked him to get them out of the city.  They knew how well he researched his film roles.  It took some convincing, but Russell revealed that he knew how to escape the city through a serious of underground tunnels, which turned out to be mostly sewers and the subway, but they did lead out of the city.  Along the way, he met several non-Hollywood elites in the sewers, and he knew his mission.

    “We live in Anaheim when this all started,” said Rosa Marquez.  “My son and I were driven into hiding by the Terminator Gangs, and we got mixed up with some other people who took us underground.  We were lost immediately, and after a day of wandering, we ran into Kurt Russell of all people.  He said he’d take us to safety, and even in those sewers, his blue eyes pierced through you to your soul.  I just knew he’d get us to safety.”

    Russell has led over 3,000 people to the Free Lands northwest of LA.  Relief workers have been setup there for the past week, providing shelter for escapees.  Each time Russell appears with new escapees, crowds form and chant his name.  He takes the praise in stride, cleaning and resting up for each new rescue mission.  After getting refueled and taking selfies, Russell heads back underground.

    “Man, the man is non-stop,” said Erin Churn.  “I don’t think I’ve ever seen him take a nap.  He just keeps moving.  It’s incredible.”

    “I don’t know why he wears the eye-patch though.  I mean, I know why, but still.”

  • ‘Tiger vs. Tiger’ Match Ends with Present Tiger Tackle

    ‘Tiger vs. Tiger’ Match Ends with Present Tiger Tackle

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    by Dash Hamley

    AUGUSTA, Georgia – The well-marketed and dubious golf match, “Tiger vs. Tiger,” took place today at Augusta National, and it ended with the present-day Tiger Woods being tackled by security for charging at his younger self.

    The day began with excitement as tens of thousands of fans poured in and around Augusta National to try and catch a glimpse of either Tiger.  ABC, ESPN, and the Golf Channel had round-the-clock coverage of the match between the ’97 Tiger Woods and the present day Tiger Woods, reporting from every possible angle.  Given the danger of the two Tigers meeting, security was at an all-time high for a golf match.  Each Tiger had 20 security personnel surrounding them at all times, and they were instructed to stay at least 200 feet apart from each other.

    ’97 Tiger teed off first and birdied on the first hole.  He went to the second hole and hit par.  Then, the present-day Tiger teed off on the first hole.  He bogeyed on the first hole, and he stayed two holes behind his younger self at all times.

    Until the 10th hole.

    By this time, ’97 Tiger was up seven strokes.  The crowd was rowdy, unusual for a golf match, and footage from the match showed a stark difference in the crowd’s reaction to the golfers.  ’97 Tiger was getting thunderous applause.  Present-day Tiger was getting polite clapping, and it was getting to him.

    At the end of the 10th hole, present-day Tiger was visibly angry.  He said something to his caddy, grabbed one of his woods, and bolted into the crowd.  His security detail was caught off guard, and his caddy held them off for a couple minutes.  Present-day Tiger swung his club back and forth, clearing a path for himself.  Then he made it to the 13th hole, where ’97  Tiger was getting ready to tee off.

    The security guards tackled the present-day Tiger, who threw his club at his younger self.  The guards piled on him, blocking ’97 Tiger’s view of his future self, and then they whisked ’97 Tiger away from the course.  ’97 Tiger was not injured by the thrown club, but he reportedly left the course with it.

    Naturally, the match was canceled, but it was clear that ’97 Tiger had won.  Present-day Tiger was reportedly taken out of Augusta National in an unmarked vehicle, and the PGA would not comment on the situation.  The fate of ’97 Tiger was not commented on at this moment either, despite the PGA’s insistence he’d be returned to his time after the match.

  • World News: Dictators’ Statement, Garbage Island Community, and Beatles Ghosts

    World News: Dictators’ Statement, Garbage Island Community, and Beatles Ghosts

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    by Falco Rockbert

    Geneva – The world’s dictators released a joint statement to promote the good things they do for their nations.  “We do more than just make the trains run on time,” said the statement, and the rest of the statement promoted their marginal improvements in human rights (“Political prisoner rates have dropped 15% in the past five years.”), technological advancements (“We have upgraded all of our computers to DSL modems.”), and potato yields (“We had fewer blights.”).  The statement was released to the United Nations, who were not impressed.

    Garbage Island, Pacific Ocean – Somehow, a group of 40 people are now living on the garbage island in the Pacific.  They were discovered by a freighter that happened to sail past them, and the people waved to the ship.  Thinking they were in need of help, the freighter went to help them aboard, but only three people took them up on their offer.  They had come to the garbage island of their own accord and preferred to live there in their makeshift shanty town.  A man named Carlos Montana was their leader, and he led his “followers” to this island for a “fresh start.”  Montana denied that he started a cult, but given 40-some people followed him to live on the garbage island, the freighter captain was certain this was a cult.  The three who boarded his ship more or less confirmed his suspicion but did not want to speak to the media.  Surprisingly, the garbage island was sturdy and cohesive enough to support so many people and their shanty town, but their attempts at growing corn, sassafras, and kiwi fruit were “utter failures,” according to the captain.  When he noticed that some garbage islanders began to eat the garbage, he stopped trying to convince the cult to board his ship and left.

    LIVERPOOL – The ghosts of the Beatles have appeared all around Liverpool in the past week, which is weird since not all of the Beatles are dead.  Witnesses have reported that John, Paul, George, and Ringo walking around town and looking like their younger mop-topped selves from the early 60s.  They don’t interact with anyone or seem to notice when they’re about to get hit by cars.  When they do run into something, they phase through the object like it wasn’t there.  Scientists’ current theory is that these Beatles are from the 60s, and somehow we’re seeing them through a ripple in spacetime.  Or at least they hope that’s what is happening.  Paul McCartney and Ringo Starr are aware of the situation, and neither has any compunction to check this out firsthand.

  • Report: Werewolves Tried to Form Coalition with Pacifica, Asimovia

    Report: Werewolves Tried to Form Coalition with Pacifica, Asimovia

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    By Skip Daverman

    CLUJ – In a bold move, the Lupine Nation in Transylvania tried, and failed, to form a coalition with the aspiring nations of Pacifica and Asimovia a week ago.

    The report, published in a Transylvanian newspaper, showed several emails, texts, and phone conversations initiated by the Lupine Nation, which represents the werewolf population in Transylvania.  The conversations were sent out to leaders in the underwater nation of Pacifica, which is working to secede from Atlantis, and the robotic nation of Asimovia, which claimed an abandoned Japanese island as its home.  Feeling a kinship with both, several representatives from the Lupine Nation, including leader, Dinu Nicolescu, approached each nation with a coalition proposal.

    “Friends, let us work together for freedom,” said one Lupine email.  “We all seek self-determination from our oppressive governments.  Alone, we can only do so much.  Together, we can achieve so much more!”

    Both Pacifica and Asimovia denied the proposals several times.  Pacifica is currently dealing with an Laval attack possibly coordinated by Atlantis, and Asimovia was attacked by a human-made computer virus.  “Have you not read the news, dogs?” said one Pacifican text message.  “Go chew on a bone, mongrel.”  The Asimovians were even less subtle.  “QUERY ANSWER DESIGNATION:  NO MEATBAG.”

    Lupine Nation leader, Dinu Nicolescu, has denied the report, despite the IP addresses being linked to Transylvanian locations.  “We have not made any sort of proposal,” he said in a statement.  “If they did come from Transylvania, then they were not authorized by me or the Lupine Nation.  Someone with nefarious intent did this to frame us.  We want independence, yes, but we have not asked for outside help in this manner.”

    The Transylvanian government, and in particular Prime Minister Dracula himself, has not responded to this report, though sources inside Parliament have noted that Dracula was drinking more blood than normal after reading the report.

     

  • After Extensive Review, Condor-Man Declared Officially Dead

    After Extensive Review, Condor-Man Declared Officially Dead

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    By Packie Williams

    CHICAGO – The superhero Condor-Man was seemingly killed in an explosion chasing Claymore through a factory last week, and after extensive review, Condor-Man has been declared officially dead.

    Paul Condorman, 39, was a graduate student at Northwestern University, studying under Dr. Ian Langford, a biochemist, when he was exposed to radiation, a mixture of chemicals, and condor DNA in a freak accident in his lab 18 years ago.  The accident, which was later discovered to be caused by Langford himself for evil reasons, gave Condorman the power to mind-control birds, granted him a “condor-sense” that has never been fully explained,  and made him seek out dead animal carcasses for food.  Condorman used his new found abilities, plus a jetpack, to become the superhero Condor-Man, somehow hoping no one would figure out who he was behind his “mask.”

    Briefly joining the Peace Force as well as a dozen other short-lived superhero teams, Condor-Man protected Chicago, Milwaukee, and occasionally, the Twin Cities from crime.  He apparently died eight years ago while fighting the alien demigod, Planto, on the moon, but he was actually transferred to a pocket dimension filled with super bees.  He returned to our dimension a year later, redesigned his costume, and returned to protecting the Midwest.

    Last week, Condor-Man was chasing supervillain, Claymore, through a chemical factory when it exploded.  The explosion seems to have been a result of the battle, and Claymore was nowhere to be found.  Condor-Man’s body was recovered from the scene and taken to a special morgue for an autopsy per regulations for any superhuman.

    A Peace Force doctor examined the body to make sure it was actually Paul Condorman and not a clone, shapeshifter, alien, robot, other dimensional being or projection, magic doll, mystical enchantment, or any number of other possibilities.  The results for the doctor concluded that this was Paul Condorman, the Condor-Man, and he is officially dead.

    Condorman is survived by his ex-wife, Laura O’Leary, his brother, Walt Condorman, and his niece, Felicia Condorman.  The Peace Force will pay for the funeral, which will be held this weekend at Holy Name  Cathedral in Chicago.

  • Japan’s Giant Robots Find Greater Success with Adult Pilots over Teenage Pilots

    Japan’s Giant Robots Find Greater Success with Adult Pilots over Teenage Pilots

    By Stan Hopewell

    TOKYO – For years Japan’s Giant Robot Battalion has used teenaged pilots with great success but also with great failure.  After the Metatank incident of 2003, which left 83 dead and billions in property damage, the Japanese government switched over to adult pilots, and the switch has worked better than anticipated.

    “It’s been remarkable,” said Lead Engineer, Toshi Akiyama.  “Who knew that mature adults would make better giant robot pilots than teenagers?”

    For decades, the Japanese government has been tailoring their giant robots to work for teenagers.  The reasoning being that teenagers are quicker to learn new technologies than adults, and there’s the unstated reasoning that teenagers don’t expect to be paid like adults.  The giant fighting robots were then programmed using several interfaces with the pilot, most notably the popular Neural Interface Computer Experience, or NICE.  This interface turned out to be ironically named as it gave teenagers wild mood swings mid-battle and drove many pilots insane.  Japan’s turnover rate at its highest was one new pilot every three weeks.

    Then the Metatank incident made them reconsider teenagers.

    “I’ve been advocating using adult pilots for years now,” said Akiyama.  “Teenagers may be flexible and cheap, but they’re a double-edged sword.  Highly trained, emotionally-stable adults do the same work as teenagers but without the dangers.”

    “Besides, what do you expect, putting them in giant fighting robots?  Teenagers are the worst.”

    Thus far, the adult pilots have reduced property damage by 40%, civilian casualties by 70%, and kaiju outpourings by 35% in the decade since the switch was made.  The NICE system has gone through a few tweaks and has worked out better with adults as well.  Adult pilots are less prone to wild mood swings, and insanity has since only occurred in two pilots.

    Japan has renewed the adult pilot program for another decade.