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  • Déjà vu Rocks City

    Déjà vu Rocks City

    By Falco Rockbert

    New Romford was hit with a sudden case of déjà vu yesterday afternoon at around 3:15.  Seemingly everyone in the area felt like they had experienced the same event happen twice at the same time.

    Martin Grainger, a.k.a. Dr. Amazing of The Amazings, felt the déjà vu as well and even recorded it.  “We have very precise clocks here at Grainger Tower,” he said, “and we somehow saw a tiny blip occur at the 3:14:35 mark of two microseconds.  It’s like time stopped and then restarted.”

    The blip was so brief that it could hardly be said to have occurred at all, said Dr. Amazing, but it seems that everyone in the world, and not just New Romford, felt it.  The déjà vu caused sudden bursts of disorientation, disrupting activities.   Reports have come in of car accidents in most U.S. cities and in Canada and Mexico.  A 40-car pile-up was reported in Los Angeles.  A Parliament session in London was halted for an hour, and planes nearly collided mid-air in Germany.

    As for what caused the déjà vu is uncertain.  Dr. Amazing is still investigating the blip with the aid of scientists from around the world.  But he said the most likely cause was a reset of the timestream.

    “I’d bet someone came back from the future to stop some event from happening,” he said.  “Whatever this event was probably was the trigger for a series of events that lead up to a terrible future.  When that happens, the timestream is reset to a different path, and that usually leads to a brief sense of déjà vu.  The last time I can remember this happening—or rather the last time it’s happened in this timestream—was seven years ago on New Year’s Eve.”

    On December 31, 2004, a helicopter inexplicably crash landed on Bette Midler, crippling her from the waist down, during a performance at Carnegie Hall.  Eight people died of unusual causes that night, and no cause of the déjà vu was discovered.

    No casualties have been reported from yesterday.

  • Ask Julia:  Telepathic Protection

    Ask Julia: Telepathic Protection

    askjulia

    By Julia Crumpleman

    Today’s question comes from Brandon:

    Dear Julia, I keep seeing these flyers for “telepathic protection classes.”  Are these worth the money, or are they just scams?

    Good question, Brandon!  Telepathy is a tricky subject to tackle, even for superheroes.  U.N. estimates there are about 200 telepaths in the world, maybe more, making up a very small portion of the world’s population.  The majority of these people are low-level telepaths with limited range and power.  The big guns, like Professor Quinton, are rare and usually have other things on their mind, so to speak.  Being caught in a psychic attack of any sort is a super rare occurrence even by superhero standards.

    But protecting yourself isn’t a bad idea, either.  These telepathic protection classes promise to “keep your mind safe and clear from any intruders,” but the American Psychology Association has raised serious doubts about their practices.  Namely, how do you know if the instructor can be trusted?  Who says that eloquent, bald man isn’t poking around in your head for juicy tidbits while proclaiming to set up mental barriers?  And it’s not like you can test out your new mental barriers to know if they work until someone actually tries to read your mind.  By then it could be too late.  Still, the APA is constantly evaluating these classes and their methods, so be sure to check out their website for more information.

    If you’re still worried about possibly psychic attacks, then you may want to look into technological barriers.  Telepathy blockers are being introduced into the market, and they look just like Bluetooth headsets.  Just hook one to your ear, and it provides mental protection (according to the manufacturers of course).  There are even larger models that you can set up at home much like a home security system.  They’re based on models used for military and government facilities, so they should provide some protection for you at home.

    Happy thoughts, Brandon!

  • Nanites Won’t Stop Building

    Nanites Won’t Stop Building

    school

    By Buffy Bolivar

    Now, the Muskrat admits, things are getting out of hand.  The nanites that Professor Stratosphere infused into the Quinton School’s buildings have been continually building new structures ever since the Pop Man attack from two weeks ago.   They’re threatening to overrun the school’s property line and spread out towards the town of Carterson.

    “We are working on a solution right now,” said the Muskrat in a written statement.  “We will do whatever is necessary to slow down the nanites before they reach the school’s property line.  Professor Stratosphere is working with ATOM Labs and Dr. Amazing around the clock to alleviate this situation.  In the meantime, both the faculty and students are working diligently to destroy any new buildings in hopes of forcing the nanites to rebuild them and stay on campus.”

    Indeed, residents of Carterson can hear the explosions from the Quinton School for Young Superheroes.  “Every few minutes you can just hear a large thud or kapow,” said Randy Scobel.  “I was just reading the paper this morning when I started hearing the explosions, and I spilled my coffee all over the place.  I could even feel my house shake on one of the really big ones.”

    Carterson mayor, Laura McKinley, has expressed deep concerns over the explosions and the nanites.  She said she objected to the nanites when Professor Stratosphere first told her about them, but since the school is outside the city limits, there wasn’t much she could do.

    “I told him these weren’t a good idea,” said McKinley.  “Obviously, I’m not a scientist, but there’s just something off about little machines.  I asked what would happen if they went rogue, and he assured me that everything would be fine.  I tried to look him straight in the face to get a reassurance, but his globe helmet makes it difficult to do that.”

    For now Mayor McKinley is urging residents to remain vigilant and ready to evacuate if they start to see gargoyle statues suddenly appear on their houses.

  • Trump Claims Obama Is From a Parallel Universe

    Trump Claims Obama Is From a Parallel Universe

    By Falco Rockbert

    trumpsmallNEW YORK – Not content with seeing President Obama be born in person, business magnate Donald Trump now claims the president is from a parallel universe.  And he is spending millions to prove it.

    “How many parallel universes are there in the multiverse?” said Trump to the New York Times.  “Infinite, right?  How do we know the president wasn’t switched at birth with an evil version of himself?  Did anyone take pictures of him as a baby with a goatee?  We haven’t seen it because they’re hiding something from us, and I intend to prove it.”

    The multiverse is an ever-expanding field of study in cosmology as new parallel universes are discovered every year.  ATOM Labs has notated at least 12,000 different parallel universes in the past sixty years.  Many superheroes that reside in our universe, dubbed Universe-Prime, came from parallel universes, including Total Woman, Laser, and the android Qu8N-J.  A parallel universe can be different in subtle ways, where green means stop on traffic lights (Universe 2,144), or in significant ways, where the sun is green and lizards rule the world (Universe 8,401).

    Access to dimensional portals is restricted all around the world thanks to the Dimensional Portal Agreement of 1988.  To operate such a machine requires extensive inspection by the UN Superhuman Security Panel, and most would-be dimension hoppers are shut down before they even get started.  Iran tried to setup their own dimensional portal for “scientific reasons” in 2007, but they were shut down through several sanctions and a special “spray” Dr. Amazing made rendering an area immune to portal generation.  Even building a portal detector to determine if objects came from Universe-Prime requires scrutiny as it could still be used to generate portals.

    Somehow, Trump is passing all the inspections.  “We have nothing to hide here,” he said.  “The UN and Dr. Amazing are all welcome to watch us build the Trump Portal Detector at any time of the day.”

    A dozen floors in the Trump Tower have been converted from retail space to the Trump Portal Detector, and every UN inspector says it’s compliant.  “He’s following every mandate,” said inspector Thomas Gundel.  “The walls have been reinforced to sustain the pressure, the iridium is purified, and the whole room is spotless.  And gold.  That’s not really a necessity, but it’s as Mr. Trump wants it.”

    Trump expects the Trump Portal Detector to be completed in a couple months.  The White House had no comment.

  • Wrigley Field Ivy Turns Against Cubs

    Wrigley Field Ivy Turns Against Cubs

    By Dash Hamley

    CHICAGO – The infamous Wrigley Field ivy, which has beautified the stadium for decades, has apparently turned against the Chicago Cubs.

    Last night, the Cubs were hosting the Houston Astros when outfielder Fernando Martinez hit a ball towards right field.  Cubs right fielder, David DeJesus, ran back to catch it when the ivy batted the ball away from his glove.  “At first, I thought it just hit the tip of my glove,” DeJesus said.  “But then the fans started yelling something about the ivy.  I thought they were crazy.”

    Instant replay showed the ivy’s interference, but nothing was called on the play.  The next inning, Cubs center fielder, Brett Jackson went to grab the ball as it bounced into the ivy, but he couldn’t pull it out.  “It was like the ivy had just grabbed it,” Jackson said.  “By the time I pried it out, the runner was already to third.”

    By then, manager Dale Sveum went to talk to the umpires.  A short argument ensued, but no one was sure what had happened.  By the seventh inning, it was clear that the ivy was actively sabotaging the Cubs when it tripped both Jackson and left fielder Alfonso Soriano.  Play was suspended, and the ivy gave a deep, bellowing laugh.

    When asked about its apparent sentience, it said, “I’ve always been awake.  How is my secret.”  As for its behavior, the ivy just said, “This team is pathetic and awful.  You try watching this double-A squad play ‘baseball’ for a hundred years.”  Here, the ivy formed hands so it could form air quotation marks.

    Major League Baseball and the Cubs are looking into what to do with the ivy, but since the Cubs only have two more games, and neither team is in playoff contention, they may just cancel the final games.  The ivy reportedly laughed into the night.

  • Quinton School Nanites Double School’s Capacity

    Quinton School Nanites Double School’s Capacity

    school
    By Buffy Bolivar

    The Quinton School for Young Superheroes is still infested with Professor Stratosphere’s nanites.  For over a week, they’ve been rebuilding the school from the Pop Man attacks and then adding onto the campus’s buildings, and now they’ve effectively doubled the school’s capacity.

    Dorms, classrooms, cafeterias, and combat rooms have all been duplicated by the nanites.  What was once a school fit for a maximum of 60 students can now house 120.  And the nanites have not stopped building.

    “Professor Stratosphere is monitoring the situation closely,” said the Muskrat, who has returned from his mission with the Peace Force.  “It’s nice that they’re so effective at their jobs and that they’ve doubled the school for free.  So far, we’re grateful.”  The Professor could not be reached for comment as he was busy examining the nanites.

    The students, who are suddenly finding themselves with extra space, are taking advantage of the situation.  Gale Bradley, a.k.a. Star Girl or Bright Woman (she hasn’t decided which she likes better yet), is enjoying the extra space.  “The dorms here are pretty much the same size anywhere else,” she said, “so now we all got another room, and we’re spreading out.  Some guys have been punching holes in the walls to try and make them one room, but it doesn’t work for long as the nanites rebuild the walls immediately.”

    In between classes, some of the students have been having fun blowing up the gargoyles and watching the nanites descend on the broken off statue and reattach it to the building in a matter of minutes, even from 400 feet away.

    Asked if they were worried about the nanites, most of the students just shrugged it off.  Matt Klutte, a.k.a. Sheer Man, said, “Look, I’ve had translucent skin all my life.  That guy over there looks like a frog-wolf, and that guy can detach his joints like a freaking toy.  Like, seriously, his arms just pop off like he’s made of plastic, and he can pop them in and out like nothing.  These nanites are nothing next to us.”

  • Cat Monster Eats Hamilton Hotel

    Cat Monster Eats Hamilton Hotel

    By Stan Hopewell

    bittenhotelweb

    A 50-foot cat-like monster terrorized downtown New Romford today, eating the majority of the Hamilton Hotel before being stopped by Adonis.

    Several eye witnesses and camera photos show a largely formless creature, covered in fur with whiskers and pointed ears.  Many residents described it as a “cat monster” while fleeing the scene.  “It came out off a cargo ship at the docks,” said Jack Hannahan, a trucker who was down at the docks.  “I don’t know where it came from, but the ship’s crew apparently didn’t know it was on their ship when it broke loose.”

    The origin of the creature was unknown.  Monster Island is located in the Pacific Ocean, not the Atlantic.  The NRPD are investigating the ship’s crew and logs very carefully to determine its origin and if foul play was involved.

    Once the creature left the ship, it moved across the docks and jumped over I-99.  It apparently landed on a train which went north through downtown.  The creature fell off around 8th Avenue, disoriented according to witnesses.  Then, there was a gurgling sound emanating from the creature, and it ate the Hamilton Hotel.  Fortunately, the building was empty due to remodeling.

    After the creature devoured the hotel, Adonis swooped in, punched the creature a few times in its face, tied its whiskers in a bow, and flew it out of the city to an unknown destination.  “It’s somewhere safe,” Adonis said.  “I don’t know where it came from, but the police have it handled.”