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  • Giant Glowing Asteroid Lands Safely In Russia

    Giant Glowing Asteroid Lands Safely In Russia

    By Skip Daverman

    MOSCOW – A giant asteroid landed safely 30 miles outside of Moscow today thanks to the efforts of Russian superhero, Ural.

    The asteroid, estimated at least a mile in diameter, was headed towards the heart of Russia today.  Ural flew into space to try and divert the rock but was unable to do so.  He was able to slow the rock’s speed enough to land it safely on the ground with a minimal crater.  Russian authorities rushed to the scene as the asteroid’s outer shell began to crack.  And then it glowed.

    “I’ve never seen anything like this,” said Ural.  “Asteroids don’t glow like this.  At first I thought it was just the heat from flying through the atmosphere, but it’s been an hour.  The rock is cooled.  This cannot be good.”

    Russian authorities cleared the area as best as possible while Ural and a team of scientists monitored the asteroid.  One scientist expected a long night.

  • Atlantis-Peace Force Meeting Set for Tomorrow

    Atlantis-Peace Force Meeting Set for Tomorrow

    By Stan Hopewell

    MornThe final touches are being made at the Peace Force Headquarters today as the annual Atlantis-Peace Force Meeting will take place all day tomorrow.  Members of Congress and the State Department have arrived in New Romford, and the majority of the Peace Force has been seen in and around the PFHQ.

    Adonis, leader of the Peace Force, is hoping that the meetings will be productive.  “King Morn A’Ganor and I go way back, so hopefully that means we can move forward on a lot of issues,” he said.  “Considering what happened last year, there can’t be much worse that could happen.”

    Last year’s meeting was infamous for the brawl between King Morn’s army and the Peace Force which blew several holes through PFHQ.  The fight spilled outside before eventually ending in Winston Bay when it was discovered that the King and his army were being mind-controlled by the supervillain, Mind Master.  Reportedly, he was trying to impress Jodie Foster.  The meeting ended before it even got started, and no issues were discussed.

    This year, barring any mind-controlled fights, the topics will be centered around water pollution levels, particularly the oil spills in the Gulf Region, trade routes, and the possibility of an underwater highway from New Romford to Atlantis.  Pollution levels and trade routes have been a staple of these meetings ever since the first one took place over 40 years ago, but the proposed Atlantis Underway is a new topic that will surely get a lot of talk tomorrow.

    “In theory it sounds like a great idea,” said Senator Mike Saluzzi.  “It’d be like the Chunnel between England and France, and it’d be a direct path to trade with the Atlanteans, and a lot better than the way we currently do it [which is a series of “drop-up” points where barges are tied to balloons inflated with air pumped from the surface].  I mean, we could just send a train down there and back without having to worry about the conditions above the water.  But of course, this would be an enormous project.  There are so many details that need to be ironed out.”

    Still, Saluzzi and other U.S. officials sounded optimistic going into the meetings.  The Atlanteans are expected to arrive in the morning.

  • Ask Julia: Moving to New Romford

    Ask Julia: Moving to New Romford

    askjulia

    By Julia Crumpleman

    Today’s question comes from Nora:

    Dear Julia, my husband and I just moved into our new home here in New Romford, the Norwoods borough, specifically Holland.  We’ve done a lot of research on our own about the big city, but we hardly ever get superheroes in Indiana.  What should we do to protect ourselves and our home?  Thanks!

    Nora, let me be the first to welcome you to New Romford!  Moving here is a big adjustment for most people, so there may be a little culture shock at first.  While we’ll get supervillains, space aliens, and the occasional visit from Atlantis (which happens tomorrow by the way—steer clear of downtown) or some other non-human contingent, the eye candy should smooth over any worries you may have.

    Thankfully, Holland is a peaceful neighborhood as far as superhuman activity goes.  Most of that stuff happens downtown, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t remain vigilant.  Obviously, lock your doors, always carry a cell phone, and be aware of your surroundings.  You never know when a rampaging Vandal from the 5th century or a rock creature from the Blue Lagoon might appear.  This happens more frequently than you may think.

    Your first order of business should be to get superhuman insurance.  This is a separate policy that you’ll need to buy as most insurance companies don’t provide coverage (think of it like flood insurance).  There are several superhuman insurance companies in New Romford, so pick the one that’s right for you.  Trust me, you’ll be glad to have it when Adonis or Titana uses your car to bludgeon Binaro into submission.  On the subject of Adonis, please only yell for help when you really need it.  He can hear your screams from anywhere in the city, and he is a very busy superhero.

    The unfortunate truth is that there isn’t much you can do to protect yourself, your husband, or your home.  Most superhumans are powerful enough to bust through steel walls, and I doubt your house is made of titanium.  The best thing that you can do is to be prepared and go about your day.  Most New Romforders never see a battle in person, anyway.

    But keep a suitcase filled with clothes, water, food, and supplies that you can grab at a moment’s notice in your home or car just in case you have to flee from an alien invasion or some such thing.

    Welcome to New Romford!

  • Adonis Saves Michelle Meyers From the Master of Disaster…Again

    Adonis Saves Michelle Meyers From the Master of Disaster…Again

    By Falco Rockbert

    adonismichellewebIntrepid reporter, Michelle Meyers, was saved, yet again, from the Master of Disaster while investigating a story in the Warehouse District.  This was the third time Meyers has been saved by Adonis this month.

    The Master of Disaster was purportedly stealing ATOM Lab technology when he and his crew spotted Meyers snooping around the area.  She was captured by the MoD and tied up over a trash compactor, seemingly about to fall to her death.  Naturally, Adonis swooped in to save her at the last minute and took care of the MoD and his crew.  No one could offer an explanation why no one shot Meyers with their guns when they found her.

    Adonis and Meyers waited for the police to show up.  “I think Ms. Meyers has had enough excitement for one day,” said Adonis as he flew away with the reporter in his arms.  Meyers refused to comment.

    This incident continues the long, storied history between Adonis and Meyers.  Getting into trouble, only to be saved by New Romford’s Favorite Son, is a regular occurrence.  So far, this marks the twenty-eighth save.

  • Twin Cities Become Sentient, Bicker

    Twin Cities Become Sentient, Bicker

    By Skip Daverman

    MINNEAPOLIS – The Twin Cities of Minneapolis and St. Paul were engulfed in a mysterious yellow light earlier today, and as a result, the Twin Cities became sentient and started to bicker.

    Scientists from the University of Minnesota were baffled as to the origin of the yellow light and about its curious effect.  “This is just crazy,” biology professor, Laura Stern said.  “The cities aren’t living organisms.  They’re inanimate objects, and on top of that, their boundaries are arbitrary.  It’s not like the land between them or the suburbs is different from each other.  How the light transformed the cities into sentient beings makes no sense whatsoever.

    “And the mouths they’ve developed in their respective downtowns are just creepy.”

    Various police and news helicopters have confirmed the existence of giant mouths in each city, both about 400-500 feet in length.  The Minneapolis mouth formed along the Mississippi River in Gold Medal and Mill Ruins Parks, destroying West Park Riverway in the process.  The St. Paul mouth formed along Kellogg Blvd, eating the cars, parking lot, and garage that were originally there.  And then the cities started to bicker.

    “I was just out on a jog when I heard this big boom,” said Minneapolis resident, Rob Serling.  “I don’t know how to describe it really, but it just sounded like a big deep boom.  Eventually, I was able to make out that it was English, but it was too loud to understand.”

    From a mile away, Minneapolis resident, Joy Wang, was able to understand it, mostly.  “It said something like, ‘You’re a poser, Paulie,’ in an almost sneering voice,” said Joy.  “’I’m where it’s at, and you’re a—something something.’  I couldn’t make out the rest, but then it laughed, and the ground shook.”

    Residents in St. Paul were just as confused.  “The mouth growled,” said Denise Black, who was walking to work.  “It was just a growl.  No words.  Then it said something about ‘at least I’m not full of hippies,’ and I couldn’t make out the rest.”

    The mayors of both cities and the governor of Minnesota could not be reached for comment at this moment.  The bickering has continued all day, bringing business to a halt.  “I’m just trying to sell my hot dogs,” said Minneapolis food truck vendor, Jack McHanahan of Hot Doggin’ The City.  “I mean, I make my own hot dogs.  They’re organic, local, free range gourmet hot dogs, the best in the state.  How am I supposed to sell anything if I can’t hear people’s orders from the constant yelling?”

  • Bug-Man Flees Exploding Apartment Building

    Bug-Man Flees Exploding Apartment Building

    By Chase Chapley

    nrfp04The Verzatt Estates were rocked today by an explosion on the 6th floor as a man dressed as a bug flew away from the scene.  No one was reportedly injured.

    Officer Joe Mantle was on the scene first.  “All I saw was what everyone else saw,” he said.  “A guy dressed as a bug flew out of the exploding building, followed by some giant flying bugs.”  As to whether the man caused the explosion, Mantle had no comment as the investigation was still ongoing.

    The apartment that exploded belonged to a John Smith according to building owner Max Childress.  “I’ve only met him a couple times, and he had a clean record,” said Childress.  “The Verzatt Estates are some of the priciest apartments in the city, so we vet our tenants very carefully.  We don’t even know if Mr. Smith as involved in this.”

    Apartments from the 4th to 8th floors were damaged in the explosion, but since it was the middle of the day, almost no one was home.  As for what caused the explosion, the NRPD is still investigating but has ruled out a gas leak since the building doesn’t use natural gas.  Likely, it was something related to “bug-man” specifically as policemen and firemen have been moving freely inside the building.

    “We’ve searched the entire building for explosives,” said Officer Mantle, “and there isn’t anything there.  It’s safe to go in and around.  Weirdoes flying around dressed as bugs won’t stick out in this city, so keep an eye out.”

  • Man Sues Red Bull for False Advertisement

    Man Sues Red Bull for False Advertisement

    By Muffy Borgeron

    Springfield resident Luke Seward is suing the makers of the energy drink Red Bull for false advertisement.  “Their ads say ‘Red Bull gives you wings,’” Seward said in a statement, “and people in their ads are depicted as gaining the power of flight after consuming their product.  I have drunk several dozen cans of Red Bull and have not grown wings.  This is false advertisement.”

    A spokesperson for Red Bull called the lawsuit frivolous.  “The marketing campaign for Blue Ox is clearly meant to be metaphorical,” he said.  “They’re cartoon characters, not real people in our ads.  We have never claimed our product can give someone actual wings.”

    Even still, Seward is convinced that living in a superhuman-filled city such as New Romford is reasonable enough cause to expect superpowers from an energy drink.  “People get splashed by chemicals everyday and get superpowers,” he said.  “Clearly, Red Bull is made of dozens of chemicals, any combination of which could cause a person to fly.  I don’t know by what method, either by giving me wings or magnetic levitation or whatever method Adonis uses.”

    Many of Seward’s neighbors, while understanding his point, see another motive for this lawsuit.  “He tried jumping off his roof after drinking a can of Red Bull,” said Paula McCreary.  “He didn’t fly, of course.  Just landed on a mat he had on the ground.  But I think he’s just embarrassed.”

    Seward would not comment on the incident.