The New Romford Free Press

Tag: Adonis

  • Michelle Meyers Involved in Kidnapping, Setting Up Fake Crimes

    Michelle Meyers Involved in Kidnapping, Setting Up Fake Crimes

    adonismichelleweb
    File photo of Adonis saving Michelle Meyers

    By Falco Rockbert

    In a bizarre series of revelations last night, Channel 9 News reporter Michelle Meyers was arrested for kidnapping and setting up fake crimes so she could be rescued by Adonis.

    Meyers has been saved a record number 30 times by Adonis, but that number will surely go down.  Last night, Meyers allegedly kidnapped a woman, whose identity will not be released by the NRPD due to her supposed ties to Adonis.  State law prohibits the release of the identities of people close to registered superheroes when they’re victims of a crime.

    The kidnapping allegedly took place yesterday afternoon in a back alley in Johnsmar, where a rental van, rented by Meyers, was parked for an hour.  One resident noticed the van speeding away around 2:45pm.  That van turned up at a warehouse in Jamestown.

    Adonis arrived at the warehouse at around 6 pm and defeated the henchmen who were guarding the facility.  He entered to find Meyers holding a woman over a vat of chemicals (later discovered to be liquid green gelatin) via a crane.  Adonis saved the woman and apprehended Meyers.

    The reason for the kidnapping was not revealed, and Adonis and the Peace Force were silent on the issue.  The NRPD arrived to arrest Meyers, and the woman was safely returned home.

    Adonis also learned that Meyers has been paying supervillains to “capture” her in a ploy to be rescued by Adonis.  It’s unknown how many supervillains she hired.  Her reasons for doing this were not revealed to the public, but Adonis seemed to be “shaken up” by the ordeal, according to sources at the scene.

    Meyers faces kidnapping charges as well as multiple conspiracy charges.  If convicted at the maximum penalty, she could spend the next 40 years in prison.

  • Wheel of Fortune Puzzle Writer Becomes Monster Trying to Combat ‘Writer’s Block’

    Wheel of Fortune Puzzle Writer Becomes Monster Trying to Combat ‘Writer’s Block’

    By Skip Daverman

    SAN DIEGO – One of the puzzle writers for Wheel of Fortune was arrested after rampaging across Downtown San Diego due to a negative reaction to illegal superpower drugs.

    Bill Sloan, 56, has been writing puzzles for Wheel of Fortune for 23 years and became Head Puzzle Writer in 1999.  He’s considered a legend in the game show circuits for his mastery of televised word puzzles, balancing the right combination of consonants and vowels while staying up to date on current trends.  But even the best puzzle writers get writer’s block, and to combat his latest bout, he turned to drugs.

    “The poor guy was just having on heck of a time,” said Wheel of Fortune host, Pat Sajak.  “Bill is usually just so spot on with all his puzzles.  I don’t know how he comes up with the Before & Afters.  I mean, ‘Artichoke Heart of Darkness’?  Pure genius!  Who comes up with that other than Bill?  No one, that’s who.”

    Producers said Sloan, who works remotely from his home in San Diego, hadn’t turned in a new puzzle in months.  While they insist he was never in danger of losing his job, they also sensed that Sloan was growing desperate.  “Genius just gnaws at you,” said executive producer, Harry Friedman.  “And it gnawed at Bill.  He just wanted to write one more good puzzle, and he just couldn’t do it.  So sad.”

    While crew members, producers, Sajak, and co-host Vanna White all contributed puzzles in his absence, Sloan dove deeper into depression (and the show’s ratings started to slide).  At some point, he purchased illegal superpower drugs to amplify his brain activity, and today, his brain exploded with ideas.  Literally.

    Sloan’s superactivated brain gave him so many ideas that they took physical form in the real world.  How is not understood right now, but scientists imagine he manipulated light waves to make physical objects from nothing.  Dinosaurs, robots, cowboys and Indians, cruise liners, the Rolling Stones, and, for some reason, a Sajak-White fusion creature appeared in Downtown San Diego.  The constructs were too much for Sloan to control, so they wreaked havoc all over the place, destroying streets, vehicles, and buildings.

    The SDPD tried their best to contain them, but thankfully, Adonis flew in to save the day.  His mighty punches and eye beams were enough to destroy the constructs into nothing, and they were all gone in less than a minute.  Depowering Sloan was another matter, but after a long talk, Adonis was able to calm him down.  It didn’t appear that Sloan knew what he was doing, but the SDPD put a few power dampeners around his head just to be safe.

    Sloan was arrested and is being held on several felonies.  Meanwhile, Wheel of Fortune vows to move on.  “Maybe we can use a few of Bill’s old puzzles,” said Friedman.  “You know, just as a tribute to a legend.”

  • Memorial and Final Funerals

    Memorial and Final Funerals

    By Buffy Bolivar

    President Obama, Mayor Lawrence, Adonis, and several community leaders helmed the memorial service for the victims of the Dino-Day Disaster after the final funeral service.

    The death total reached 92 last week, and all missing citizens have been found.  The final funeral service was held this morning for Gabby Martinez, 32, who died in a collapsed building in Frankton.

    The memorial service was held at Two Rivers Park, near the World War II Memorial.  Pastor Albert Grinds opened up the service with a prayer and a hymn, and he was followed by several other religious and spiritual leaders.  Adonis followed with a short speech praising the virtues of heroism in the face of evil.  “Robert Plank was a bank teller during the day,” he said, “but when turned into an ankylosaurus and surrounded by the Dino Army, he protected his coworkers and the small children in the daycare next door.  He saved their lives, and it cost him his.  That is true heroism.”

    Mayor Lawrence spoke next, promising that New Romford will come back from this tragedy, bigger and better than ever.  Local singer, Shannon McKelvey, sung a song she wrote for the occasion, “Remember the Way”, and then the President ended the memorial with his own speech.

    “In this world of monsters and supervillains,” he said, “we cannot back down in fear of what may happen.  We must act in courage and hope, each and every day.  Tragedy will always be around the next corner, but we must be ready to face it when it comes.”

    A moment of silence followed the President’s speech, and then the National Guard rang a bell ten times to end the memorial.

  • Speedster Helps with Recovery, Wrecks More Things than Repairs

    Speedster Helps with Recovery, Wrecks More Things than Repairs

    Speedster
    File photo

    By Buffy Bolivar

    While intending to be helpful as always, Speedster ended up making things worse today when she “helped” with the recovery after the Dino-Day Disaster.

    The majority of the Peace Force was working with the New Romford rescue crews to remove debris from fallen buildings and to find missing people, the typical superhero work.  Speedster was on hand as well today, and her super-speed began tearing up the Industrial and University Districts.  “I know she’s just trying to help,” said Sally Wynn, a resident of the University District, “but could she at least think through her actions first?  Just once, please.”

    Speedster saw a large pile of rubble blocking the intersection of Industry Road and 26th Street and used one of her patented “Speed Tornadoes” to move the rubble.  Unfortunately, she hasn’t perfected this patent yet.  She ran around the rubble at super speed, creating a vortex that carried the rubble into the air.  Then it shot out all over the neighborhood, crashing into buildings that had survived the dinosaurs on both sides of the Winston River.  Thankfully, no one was hurt, but she left the scene in a puff of dust.

    Someone at the Peace Force must’ve reprimanded her because she stopped using her “Speed Tornadoes”.  Instead, she helped out with the otherwise slow removal of debris from collapsed buildings, and for about an hour, Speedster was helping in a constructive way.  Then, she decided to speed things up, as she is wont to do, and wasn’t paying attention.  “We were working on buildings on Billings Street,” said Sal Hodgson, rescue worker, “and she piled up all that rubble at the end of the street.  She blocked us in.  We couldn’t get out.  We had about 20 people that needed to get to a hospital or safe zone, and we couldn’t get them out.  How dumb can you be?”

    After another half hour of making a path for the rescue workers, Speedster left to help somewhere else but caused a 14-vehicle pile-up on Romford Way before collapsing a parking garage on 4th Avenue and 59th Street.  She had removed the wrong piece of rubble that had been keeping the garage intact.  Luckily, she had removed everyone from the garage in the brief second before the collapse.

    By then, Titana and Adonis reportedly had a word with Speedster, and she ran off.  There were no more reports of speed-related destruction after then, much to everyone’s relief.

  • Rescue Marks Meyers’s 30th Adonis Save

    Rescue Marks Meyers’s 30th Adonis Save

    adonismichelleweb
    File photo

    By Falco Rockbert

    Yet again, Michelle Meyers was rescued by Adonis last night, marking her 30th save by New Romford’s Favorite Son.  It ties the record for most saves of one person by one superhero.

    Meyers, formerly of the New Romford Sentinel, now with Channel 9 News, didn’t have much to say about tying the record.  She was held hostage by the Master of Disaster and his henchmen, again, at the Grainger Aerospace Research Facility in Jamestown.  The MoD was apparently trying to steal experimental spaceship materials when Meyers came across them.  They tied her up above an active jet engine and lowered her down towards it.  For some reason, they didn’t use their guns to shoot her.

    Just as she was about to be skewered by the engine, Adonis swooped in to save her.  Once she was safe, Adonis went on to defeat the MoD and his henchman in less than a minute.  Meyers and Adonis reportedly had a tense talk afterwards before they flew away.

    When asked about the incident this morning, Meyers said, “No comment.”  When asked about tying the record for most saves by one superhero, she laughed and said, “It’s not a record I really want to hold, but it happens, I guess.”

    Meyers is currently tied with Judy Jenson, reporter for the New York Times from 1956 to 1981.  She was saved 30 times by the superhero Empire Man.

  • Dinosaur Queen Captured by Adonis

    Dinosaur Queen Captured by Adonis

    By Chase Chapley

    The NRPD has confirmed that Adonis has captured the Dinosaur Queen in Parkhill, putting an end to the “Dino-Day” nightmare.

    I’m receiving word, and slowly video, that the Dinosaur Queen and Adonis were fighting mid-air.  She blasted Adonis down into the ground, crash landing somewhere in Parkhill.  When she gloated, as she is prone to do, he threw a car at her, as he is prone to do.  A few quick punches here and there, and the Dinosaur Queen was defeated.

    News spread downtown, and everyone within five blocks loudly cheered the victory.  My colleagues hugged each other and then myself.  We New Romforders are a resilient bunch, but something about being transformed into a dinosaur and almost lose our humanity really did a number on us.

    Charlene, if you’re reading this, I’ll see you when I get home.

  • ‘We Will Stop Her’

    ‘We Will Stop Her’

    By Chase Chapley

    The Peace Force has finally released a statement on the “Dino-Day” incident.  It reads as follows:

    The Peace Force, while affected by the Dinosaur Queen’s magic, is working on how to best stop her evil plot.  Many of our members have either grown too small or too large to use their powers effectively without causing more harm than good.  Our greatest minds are formulating a way to both stop the Dinosaur Queen and to safely reverse her magic.

    We have not faced this type of scheme before, so please remain calm.  We will stop her.  In the meantime, stay with your friends and family.  Work with your neighbors.  Most importantly, stay safe.

    Thank you.

    So far there has been no sighting of Adonis, Titana, or any other Peace Force member.  No word has come from any of the Amazings, whose tower was taken over by the Dinosaur Queen.  Without further knowledge, it’s impossible to say what types of dinosaurs they have transformed into, if at all.  It’s also impossible to say how growing “too small or too large” has affected their powers since many of their powers are based within relation to their human sizes.  If Adonis were 100 feet tall, how much stronger would he be, for instance?

    Until then, it’d be best to heed their advice.  Stay safe.

    More to come.