The New Romford Free Press

Tag: aliens

  • Ask Julia: I Have an Alien Girlfriend, I Think

    Ask Julia: I Have an Alien Girlfriend, I Think

    askjulia

    By Julia Crumpleman

    Greetings, Earthlings!  Today’s question comes from “Jacob” from “an undisclosed location”.

    Okay, so I started dating my girlfriend about three months ago, and so far, everything’s been great.  But lately, she’s been sneaking out at night when we’re together, and she comes back covered in dirt, jittery, and her eyes are completely black with some weird symbol in them.  I’ve finally confronted her about this a couple nights ago, and she confessed that she’s an alien princess on the run from an enemy her planet has been fighting for millennia, and she’s going out at night to “deal” with them.  She won’t tell me more than that, and I’m not sure I believe it, but the eye thing is freaking me out.

    So, my question is:  where can I go to get information about alien civilizations?  I just want to verify her story, you know, because I really like her, and I hope she isn’t crazy or something.  Thanks!

    Well, this wasn’t where I thought this question was going, so first off, good on you, “Jacob,” for sticking by your girlfriend and her…extracurricular activities!

    Now the answer to your question is a bit tricky.  There are literally millions of alien civilizations out there, and Earth has only experienced a fraction of them.  Any information source is likely going to be incomplete or focus on a few planets.

    That said, I’d recommend visiting the New Romford University Library first.  I know kids these days love to find things online, but a good old trip to the library has never hurt anybody.  Talk to some of the librarians there as the NRU Library has a whole section devoted to extraterrestrial books.  They’ll be able to direct you to the most current and reliable scholarship of alien civilizations.

    Next, I’d recommend visiting the Peace Force Museum.  Superheroes fight aliens on a regular basis, and they have an extensive archive of alien battle that includes photos and film.  You might find something there, but if you stay too long, security will get suspicious.

    Another possibility, though this is a long shot, would be to write Dr. Amazing or the Peace Force directly.  Bear in mind that if you do, they will likely investigate your girlfriend, and she probably won’t be your girlfriend anymore.

    Or you could try believing her!  We live in a very active universe, and we get a lot of extraterrestrial activity here.  If her eyes are going black and showing a symbol, she may be telling the truth.  Good luck!

  • Ask Julia: Why Doesn’t Earth Have Universal Translators?

    Ask Julia: Why Doesn’t Earth Have Universal Translators?

    askjulia

    By Julia Crumpleman

    Greetings once again, fellow New Romforders!  Today’s question comes from Omoye in Cloonyn.

    Hi, whenever aliens come to Earth, they’re always wearing universal translators.  They’re able to speak to us in our language, and the humans with them wear those things, too.  They seem really useful for aliens, but why don’t we have those on Earth?  They’d be a lot of help!

    Omoye, you’re onto something here!  Just speaking for myself, I’d love to have a universal translator so I could travel more without the fear of being misunderstood.  Also, I wouldn’t have to try and learn a new language.  But to your question, I had to ask an alien communications expert.  Luckily, we have a few here in town.

    “It’s largely a matter of politics,” said Randy Newman (not the singer-songwriter), who works at city hall as the city’s alien liaison.  “Most Earth governments are wary of using alien technology, especially after the Jrats attacked in 1983.  They presented themselves as allies and look what happened in Chicago.  Even though some technologies like nanotechnology, smart phones, and Crocs have certainly benefited human lives, it comes down in trickles.  It has to go through so much red tape before it can even really be used by research labs and companies.”

    “And that’s not even talking about the brain wave manipulation.  That really freaks people out.”

    Universal translators, at least the ones humans have come across, have to manipulate the user’s brain waves in order to translate a foreign language into one the user knows.  “This is no small feat, mind you,” said Eva Broadstone, a language expert at ATOM Labs.  “Your ears catch sound waves and transmit them to your brain, and your brain, in essence, translates those sounds into meaningful speech.  Universal translators intercept your brain waves as they start to interpret speech and alter them, turning them into your native language, which is another process in itself.  It’s a complicated process.”

    The latest NRU poll from last year showed that 65% of humans are distrustful of aliens and their technology, and a whopping 84% didn’t want their brain waves altered by aliens either.  While universal translators can’t mind control someone, for instance, gaining the trust of the general public is the biggest hurdle to bringing these amazing devices to Earth.

    Sorry, Omoye!

  • Vegas Plans to Build Spaceport

    Vegas Plans to Build Spaceport

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    By Stan Hopewell

    LAS VEGAS – Las Vegas is a vacation destination for many people, and with the increase in business relations and tourism from space aliens, many of those coming to Vegas are not from Earth.  If Vegas has its way, they’ll soon have a spaceport of their own.

    “We welcome all visitors to our great city,” said Las Vegas Mayor, Carolyn Goodman.  “And we welcome visitors from other worlds, too.  No matter what color your skin is, no matter how many eyes you have, no matter if you don’t even have eyes and just sense the world through a mucus membrane that interprets colors and shapes for you somehow, Las Vegas welcomes you.”

    The proposed spaceport would be constructed northeast of the city.  It would have 20 gates to start out and would be able to double its capacity in the future.  Currently, Virgin Galactic and Starlines are the only commercial spaceship lines in talks to support the Vegas spaceport.

    But the City of Las Vegas and the State of Nevada face a steep climb to getting approval from the federal government to build a public, commuter spaceport.  Currently, only New Romford, Houston, and Cape Canaveral have spaceports, and they’re all run or overseen by the federal government.  Space tourism advocates have long lobbied for restrictions to be loosened for new construction.

    “We’re losing out on billions of dollars here,” said Jay Mora, Director of the Space Tourism Board.  “Aliens are coming to our planet one way or another, usually through legitimate channels, but sometimes they just come here.  Some stay here because they fell in love with Earth.  We have so much to offer them, even if they’re just here for a few weeks.  Do you know that most space aliens don’t know what rock ‘n’ roll is?  Or what superheroes are?  Or have never seen a canyon that wasn’t filled with skin-dissolving acid?  Some planets have plants that literally shoot spikes at you for looking at them funny.  Some places are just painful, and they want to relax.”

    If the federal government does loosen restrictions, then several cities could follow Vegas’s lead.  New York and Los Angeles are obvious contenders for spaceport, but cities like Nashville and Salt Lake City have also expressed interest in bringing in space tourists (the latter is a proposal not by the city but by the Church of Latter Day Saints).  So far, the federal government hasn’t commented on Vegas’s proposal.

  • Ask Julia: Do Other Planets Have Superheroes?

    Ask Julia: Do Other Planets Have Superheroes?

    askjulia

    By Julia Crumpleman

    Greetings, fellow humans!  Today’s question is an interstellar one from Pablo in North Hills:

    I was wondering if superheroes were just an Earth thing, or if other planets had them as well?

    Well, Pablo, you’re in luck!  The New Romford Free Press recently hired a space correspondent from a far-off planet, Karna Firaliz.  I sent your question off to him, and a few weeks later, I was able to get a response.  (Space is vast, and emails can only travel so fast.  Oh, that rhymed!)

    “Superheroes” as a concept is a hard one for a non-Earthling like myself to understand.  What defines a “superhero” on Earth can be ambiguous.  One doesn’t need superpowers above and beyond a non-powered human, but a costume is generally required.  Even then, it’s not easy to define as some superheroes wear the traditional garb of their homeland.  Being a “superhero” appears to be a notional concept.  The Earth saying “I know it when I see it” seems to be the only reliable measure here.

    From what I’ve gathered from visiting and studying hundreds of planets and their cultures, there are always heroes and inspirational figures.  Like Earth, they have their great leaders, rulers, messiahs, and tycoons, normal members of their race that rise above their peers (apart from the breed-pod cultures of the outer Carminni Galaxy who have been breeding clones of one or two individuals for the past few millennia).  My planet, Minax, has several of these figures, but none of them have powers beyond me or wear costumes beyond our current styles.  By Earth definitions, we don’t have superheroes.

    I’d say the same goes for most planets, but again, the term “superhero” is an Earth term that can’t be applied to other planets.  Everyone on planet Meerillee can fly, shoot lasers from their eyes, have super-strength, and speak 700 languages with ease, but none of that would constitute superpowers in their society anymore than walking on two feet would be a superpower on Earth.

    I suppose the term “superhero” could also be applied to anyone who goes above and beyond for the greater good.  I’ve heard many Earthlings speak of superheroes in this way because even supervillains have powers and colorful costumes.  It matters what individuals do, and there’s something appealing about this to many cultures.  If we used this definition, then there certainly are superheroes on every planet, including mine.  That’s harder to define, of course, but that is the best I can do, Pablo.  I hope that answers your question.

    Thanks, Karna!  That was a very thoughtful reply and a good reminder that we can all be superheroes in our daily lives if we so choose.  (Though I wouldn’t mind being a Meerillee-ian!)

  • Welcome Our New Space Correspondent, Karna Firaliz

    Welcome Our New Space Correspondent, Karna Firaliz

    By Chase Chapley

    The New Romford Free Press started in 1976 with the purpose of bringing you the most important, well-informed news that affected the New Romford metropolitan area.  As we’ve grown over the years, our coverage has spread across the country and across the world.  Being the epicenter of superhuman activity has brought us many unique stories, and we do our best to report them as they happen, even if that’s difficult to do.  Whether it’s covering Atlantis, magical realms, giant monsters, or run-of-the-mill megalomaniacal supervillains, we will be there.

    But there’s been one area that we have not covered because we’ve never been there.  It is space.  The increased superhuman activity on Earth has made interaction with species from other planets more and more common.  From the Zrat War of 1958 to the Winmac-Paternius X Research Pact of 1984, Earthlings have become important players in the cosmos.  The UN estimates that over 7,000 aliens now reside on our planet, and that number is expected to rise over time.

    For the past few years, we’ve discussed how we should increase our coverage of other planets.  With advances in space communication, it is now possible to hear about events millions of light years away (albeit still with a time lag).  We tried devoting one reporter to space activities, but that became impossible with so many Earth stories to report.  We needed outside help.  We needed someone who lived on another planet.

    It is with great pleasure that we here at the New Romford Free Press welcome our new Space Correspondent, Karna Firaliz!  Karna is a Minaxian journalist from the Ionnia Solar System within the Andromeda Galaxy.  Growing up on the planet Minax, Karna had a knack for writing about his daily events in his light journal, which would always upset his maternal unit.  (Minaxians, during his youth, were raised by cybernetic Minaxians rather than their birth parents.  This practice has been slowly discontinued in the last 30 Earth years.)

    When he turned 543 in Minaxian years (about 23 Earth years), Karna entered Qorr Morr Lornirro, a prestigious university specializing in the light sciences, as much of Minaxian society is run on various wavelengths of light.  But Karna grew disinterested with his studies and began writing.  He joined a local news agency and moved his way up to Senior Editor at the Vro Gorr, a widely-read news service on Minax.  He also met his companion, Janorr, at the Vro Gorr and has three children with her.

    Karna will be reporting for the Vro Gorr and for us as well using an English translator program developed by Dr. Amazing.  He has not visited Earth yet but has interviewed the Peace Force when they visited his planet in 1997 and 2002.  The Peace Force noted that his English was very good, but Karna will also rely on us to help him when needed.

    Please welcome Karna Firaliz with open arms!  We can’t wait for his first report.