The New Romford Free Press

Tag: asteroid belt

  • Space News Roundup 11.6.15

    Space News Roundup 11.6.15

    spacenews

    By Karna Firaliz

    ANNNKN, JNNKO Empire – A space whale got stuck in JNNKO Wormhole 3 (JW3), causing a traffic jam for thousands of light-years.  JW3 connects the home planet of ANNNKN with several outlying systems, and space “whales” (which only resemble Earth whales in appearance) are known to roam throughout several galaxies.  Thousands of space ships run into a herd of them swimming through the cosmos each year, killing hundreds of sentient beings and space whales.  Somehow one flew into JW3, knocking dozens of ships out of the line to enter JW3, and it got lodged in the wormhole.  Normally, JW3 expands to fit the size of the ship, but the space whale came in too fast for the wormhole to expand.  It took workers half a day to wedge open the wormhole without losing their tools in the curvature of spacetime, but they eventually got the space whale through by cutting off its fins.  JW3 returned to normal functionality, and the space whale was eaten by the JNNKOs.

    MONGOLIA, Pegasus Galaxy – Upon further inspection of the mysterious pyramid on their moon, Mongolian scientists have discovered that the structure is thankfully not a doomsday weapon as they had feared.  Instead, the pyramid is actual an orifice for the moon, as it has somehow become a living organism.  It began excreting “fecal matter” from the pyramid, or at least that’s what the Mongolian scientists hoped.  They are currently looking for a mouth of some sort.

    LOQ, Andromeda Galaxy – The Loq Kingdom announced that they’ve purged their planet of all doomsday weapons and objects with the hopes of reducing the number of world-destroying plots by villains and invading races.  The last object, The Crystal Orb of Hogs, which has the power to control minds, was expelled to an undisclosed pocket dimension.  Before, Loq contained 28 doomsday objects at its height, some of which were hidden on Earth back in the 60s, and as a result was always in a battle for its planet’s survival.  The current Oh Regime, seeing this constant struggle, made the removal of these doomsday objects from its planet and star system a top priority.  “We’ve seen what this has done to our people,” said King Jol Um Oh, “and we’ve seen what this has done to similar planets like JNNKN and Earth.  It was dumb.  Stupid.  What the hog were we thinking?  They may advance science by leaps and bounds, but at what cost?”  While his reasoning is sensible, many leaders are certain King Oh kept at least one doomsday object for himself for emergencies.

    ASTEROID BELT 34, Pegasus Galaxy – Several asteroids suddenly sprouted tentacles and attacked travelers on vacation.  No word yet on what creatures are living in the asteroids or how many sentient beings were killed, but authorities have advised travelers to avoid asteroid belts for now as they figure out this tentacle situation.

  • Titan Adds Rings to Saturn to Make It Look ‘More Fit’

    saturnweb

    By Karna Firaliz

    TITAN, Saturn – The inhabitants of Saturn’s moon, Titan, has begun adding rings to its host planet in an effort to make Saturn look “more fit and less fat”.

    The Titans have always been an image conscious planetoid, according the project director, Fayance Digoro.  “We, Titans, always want to look the best,” she said.  “We’re always on the cutting edge of fashion in the Milky Way, and quite frankly, Saturn is need of a makeover.  So what do you do with a makeover?  Why, you accessorize, darling!”

    Digoro has imported the shiniest rocks from the asteroid belt and embedded them with even more shiny rocks so that “they will sparkle throughout the cosmos”.  Once they have been buffed 77 times (per Digoro’s demands), they are added the outer-most ring of Saturn.  The beautification project is expected to take over four Earth years to complete and cost millions of Titan dinars.

    But not every Titan is supportive of the project.  “We have schools and hospitals to build,” said vocal opposition leader, Gravity Plom Plom.  “Our roads are rotting, and the spaceway we’re building to Earth and Mars still hasn’t gotten past Jupiter.    We have other concerns apart from making Saturn look thinner.  Just ridiculous.”

    Digoro hasn’t been fazed by the criticisms.  “Honestly, darling, they need a self esteem boost,” she said.  “Plus, once we make Saturn so much more beautiful, this will make Titan the best place for tourism.  We’ll have the best view of the shiniest rings on the thinnest planet out there!  The money generated from this will pay for everything else.”

    It should be noted that the sentient species of Saturn and the other moons were not consulted for this project.  Saturnians, a less-developed race, said they didn’t think they looked fat but will now watch what they eat in the future.