The New Romford Free Press

Tag: Bernard St. Warrior

Local News Roundup: A Kraken, the Cookie Monstrosity, and A Looping Subway Train

By Chase Chapley

Offshore – The 12-foot tidal wave that crashed onto our shore, and throughout much of the eastern seaboard, was caused by Speedster creating “water tornadoes” out at sea. The speed-themed superhero said she had to “take care of a kraken” that was attacking a freighter, though the captain of said freighter could not describe what the creature was when asked. The captain’s eyes glowed purple when she asked about the incident, and the Peace Force is currently looking into it.

Heights Park – The Bernard St. Warrior got stuck on the Future Farm last night after chasing what he claimed were burglars. Although security cameras around the Future Farm didn’t detect any intruders beyond the supposed superhero, the Bernard St. Warrior (real name Nicholas Conberm) grappled to the top of the 25-story highrise farm, and as he ascended up the tower, his grapple cord jammed and stopped retracting at around the 19^th floor. He stayed there all night before being rescued by Dr. Amazing, who decided not to press charges as the situation was already embarrassing enough as is.

Frenchtown – The QTπ’s beat up the Cookie Monstrosity (no relation to the Sesame Street’s Cookie Monster, though the Cookie Monstrosity is currently facing legal action from the Sesame Workshop over his name) after he attempted to steal all of the Girl Scout Cookies in Norwoods. Knowing about his cookie addiction, the QTπ’s stationed members all over New Romford to protect the Girl Scots, and unsurprisingly, the Cookie Monstrosity appeared in Place 2. The CM devoured 86 boxes of samoas, tagalongs, and thin mints before Punch Girl punched him in his cookie-filled face. He is currently being held on a 500,000 cookie bail.

Virgin Heights – Passengers on the C Train were caught in an “unusual wrinkle in the timespace continuum” yesterday that scientists are still trying to understand. When the C Train left the 56^th Street station, it would somehow return to that same station one minute later, and this happened for trains going in both directions. This continued for several hours as confused passengers would exit the train at the same spot they got on it, and then many of them repeated this process several times. Eventually, the New Romford Transit Authority closed the C Train line and called ATOM Labs to investigate. Scientists rode the train to gather data and determined a wormhole had spontaneously spawned here. Using some science gizmos, they were able to dissipate the wormhole, and the trains returned to normal service. They’re still trying to understand how the wormhole spawned and have called in Dr. Amazing to consult. For now, they’ve said the subways are safe to ride again “as far as we know.”

February 12, 2016
Local News Roundup (9.1.15)

By Packie Williams

SUSSEX, Bexton – Laboratory equipment and several pounds of chemicals were stolen from Currie Labs two nights ago. Security cameras show three women in black clothing and masks busting into the rear garage door with a van. The women proceeded to grab several pieces of specialized equipment—Currie Labs did not want to specify what—and haul them, slowly, to their van. This took them eight minutes to load up the van before one of the women realized a forklift was nearby. They tried to grab a few more pieces but couldn’t figure out how the forklift worked. Then they heard the police sirens, ditched the forklift, and randomly grabbed several bags of powdered chemicals and potting soil. The women made their escape down the back alley and are still on the loose.

THOMAS BAY, The Heights – The Bernard St. Warrior, Nicholas Conberm, was swinging around the street lights of Thomas Bay two nights ago in pursuit of a man who supposedly mugged an elderly couple. The mugger got away when Conberm ran out of grappling hooks and fell onto the pavement from 20 feet up. He apparently only had five grappling hooks on him at the time.

SHOREFRONT, Downtown – A local Atlantean calmed down a giant squid on display at the Quigley Aquarium yesterday afternoon after the giant squid attacked the other fish and staff members. The giant squid, called Sir Arms-a-Lot by the aquarium staff, was on display for a limited time after being caught in Winston Bay two weeks ago. Sir Arms-a-Lot was injured and recuperating in the aquarium, and people were invited to watch the giant squid as it strained to swim around in its relatively small tank. Yesterday, it became agitated and started attacking the other fish in its tank. When the staff tried to calm it down, Sir Arms-a-Lot began to attack them and crawled up out of the tank. Security tried to subdue the giant squid, but they, their tasers, and their comparatively small stature were ultimately ineffective. A local Atlantean happened to be in the aquarium and rushed to their aid. He punched Sir Arms-a Lot in the beak and tackled it back into the water. He then pushed his hand inside an opening in the squid’s mouth, reaching something that calmed the creature down. The Atlantean wished to remain anonymous but told the staff that Sir Arms-a-Lot should really be put back into the ocean before it wakes up.

VIRGIN HEIGHTS, Bexton – After further review from ATOM Labs, the attack on Paulina’s Pottery Port was just some local hoodlums looking for pottery and not the return of those time-traveling Vandals.

September 1, 2015
Local News Roundup (6.19.15)

By Packie Williams

NOWICKS, The Heights – The Bernard St. Warrior got into a fist fight with two carjackers on Henry Drive two nights ago. The wannabe superhero, whose real name is Nicholas Conberm, tried to prevent two men from stealing a car outside of Finn’s Bar. Conberm flung rubber balls at the carjackers with his slingshot, missing the carjackers and breaking the windows of the car he was trying to save. Not intimidated by Conberm, the carjackers got into a fist fight with the Bernard St. Warrior, eventually winning. The carjackers fled the scene once a police car approached the scene. Conberm was ticketed for breaking the car’s windows and is expected to pay for the repairs.

BEATON HILL, Dukes – Cat-themed supervillain, Mr. Whiskers, was arrested last night trying to steal an Ancient Egyptian Bastet statue from the Wonders of Ancient Egypt exhibit at the Princetown Museum. Superhero, Red Man, was the one who caught Mr. Whiskers and his goons attempting to pilfer the Bastet statue, the featured piece of the exhibit. Red Man was roaming the neighborhood rooftops when he heard the alarm go off. Using his lasers, jet boots, and Red Claw, Red Man defeated the goons easily, but that was enough to give Mr. Whiskers a chance to escape. Red Man chased after the supervillain and caught him in the alleyway behind Fletcher Street in Dominicana. Mr. Whiskers was turned over to police custody.

HOLLAND, Norwoods – Residents reported a “monster” in Lake Hominy terrorizing kids on the lakeshore and giving people “bad dreams”, but authorities could not confirm that a lake monster exists.

MONACO, Bexton – Police were called into the Grocery King on Atlantic Avenue and Catherine Street as an eight-foot-tall Minotaur entered the store. The Minotaur, whose name is Gary Larson, grabbed a cart and started to shop. It’s not clear who called the police, a staff member or a patron, but Larson seemed to expect the attention. Larson kept his hands in the air as the police began to question him, and when it became apparent that Larson, who had just moved to Monaco last week from Boston, was simply buying groceries for his new home, the police apologized and left. Grocery King would not comment past saying they were not the ones who called the police. Larson, for his part, was jovial, happy, and did a good job of not knocking things over with his horns.

June 19, 2015