Tag: Chicago Cubs

By Dash Hamley

CHICAGO – The infamous ivy at Wrigley Field is still acting up against its own team.

Last season, the ivy mysteriously became sentient and mischievous towards the Chicago Cubs in a game against the Houston Astros.  It swatted away fly balls before the Cubs players could catch them, held the ball in its ivy, and even tripped up the Cubs players.  Major League Baseball cancelled the remaining few games and hired special biologists and occultists to fix the problem.  But the problem isn’t going away.

“I don’t know what to tell you,” said Andrew Mickelson, lead groundskeeper for Wrigley Field.  “We tried everything.  Fertilizer, pesticide, lasers, magic spells.  Heck, we even tried reasoning with the ivy, but it just laughed and laughed.”

“I ain’t never seen anything like this in all my years.”

Early in the season, they tried freezing the ivy with special cooling mists, but that only worked for about an hour.  The ivy slowly grew a branch to unplug the mist sprayers and stuffed several branches down the machine’s hoses.  And the summer heat didn’t help matters either.

MLB and the Chicago Cubs are still looking for the reason why this happened all of a sudden.  “Someone is behind this,” said a Cubs official, who wished to remain anonymous.  “Someone did this to us, and we’re going to find out who.  I have no idea how though, so that’s a problem.  It’s probably a Cardinal fan.”

The Cubs have had to cancel all of their home games just to avoid all the injuries to the players the ivy has caused.  So far, no one has seemed to notice.

By Dash Hamley

CHICAGO – The infamous Wrigley Field ivy, which has beautified the stadium for decades, has apparently turned against the Chicago Cubs.

Last night, the Cubs were hosting the Houston Astros when outfielder Fernando Martinez hit a ball towards right field.  Cubs right fielder, David DeJesus, ran back to catch it when the ivy batted the ball away from his glove.  “At first, I thought it just hit the tip of my glove,” DeJesus said.  “But then the fans started yelling something about the ivy.  I thought they were crazy.”

Instant replay showed the ivy’s interference, but nothing was called on the play.  The next inning, Cubs center fielder, Brett Jackson went to grab the ball as it bounced into the ivy, but he couldn’t pull it out.  “It was like the ivy had just grabbed it,” Jackson said.  “By the time I pried it out, the runner was already to third.”

By then, manager Dale Sveum went to talk to the umpires.  A short argument ensued, but no one was sure what had happened.  By the seventh inning, it was clear that the ivy was actively sabotaging the Cubs when it tripped both Jackson and left fielder Alfonso Soriano.  Play was suspended, and the ivy gave a deep, bellowing laugh.

When asked about its apparent sentience, it said, “I’ve always been awake.  How is my secret.”  As for its behavior, the ivy just said, “This team is pathetic and awful.  You try watching this double-A squad play ‘baseball’ for a hundred years.”  Here, the ivy formed hands so it could form air quotation marks.

Major League Baseball and the Cubs are looking into what to do with the ivy, but since the Cubs only have two more games, and neither team is in playoff contention, they may just cancel the final games.  The ivy reportedly laughed into the night.