The New Romford Free Press

Tag: Condor-Man

  • Condor-Man Comes Back to Life in Record Time

    Condor-Man Comes Back to Life in Record Time

    condorman

    By Packie Williams

    CHICAGO – Despite an extensive review of his deceased body, Paul Condorman, a.k.a. Condor-Man, has come back to life just ten days after he apparently died, the fastest resurrection ever recorded for a superhero.

    Condor-Man died while engaged in combat with the supervillain Claymore ten days ago, and a Peace Force doctor examined his body to make sure it was indeed Condor-Man and not a clone, robot, or any number of deceptions.  The doctor declared the body to be Condorman’s actual body and that he was actually deceased.  But Condorman apparently had another superpower that not even he was aware of, which resurrected him.

    “Paul has condor powers,” said Jocelyn Peters, the Peace Force doctor who examined his body, “and we just thought that meant he could talk to birds and find carcasses to eat.  He always said he had a ‘condor-sense,’ and we just took him at his word that that was a thing.  We always thought it was a danger awareness system or something along those lines, but I guess it can bring him back to life, too, which was a shock to Paul when he woke up in his coffin.”

    “Well, I’m sure being covered in chemical burns probably freaked him out as much as the coffin did.”

    Condorman’s “condor-sense” pulled his consciousness into another dimension, as far as Peace Force scientists can surmise, and somehow preserved his body without giving off any radiation or heat.  When he awoke, he cried in agony, alerting a passerby above ground in the cemetery he was buried in.  Condorman was dug out by a team of eight people, two groundskeepers and six people who happened to be at the cemetery.

    Then, Condorman was exposed to the sun, which somehow healed his chemical burns and restored his health.  Again, this was chalked up to his condor powers.

    “I guess condors are really, really powerful?” said Peters.  “You get hit by radiation, chemicals, and condor DNA, and apparently, you’ve got resurrection powers?  I mean, I call [expletive] on all this, really.  There’s probably something sinister going on here.”

    “That makes more sense than ‘condor-sense.’”

    Condorman didn’t respond to any media outlets for comments.  The Peace Force has reunited him with his family, and he intends to retire from superheroing.

  • After Extensive Review, Condor-Man Declared Officially Dead

    After Extensive Review, Condor-Man Declared Officially Dead

    condorman

    By Packie Williams

    CHICAGO – The superhero Condor-Man was seemingly killed in an explosion chasing Claymore through a factory last week, and after extensive review, Condor-Man has been declared officially dead.

    Paul Condorman, 39, was a graduate student at Northwestern University, studying under Dr. Ian Langford, a biochemist, when he was exposed to radiation, a mixture of chemicals, and condor DNA in a freak accident in his lab 18 years ago.  The accident, which was later discovered to be caused by Langford himself for evil reasons, gave Condorman the power to mind-control birds, granted him a “condor-sense” that has never been fully explained,  and made him seek out dead animal carcasses for food.  Condorman used his new found abilities, plus a jetpack, to become the superhero Condor-Man, somehow hoping no one would figure out who he was behind his “mask.”

    Briefly joining the Peace Force as well as a dozen other short-lived superhero teams, Condor-Man protected Chicago, Milwaukee, and occasionally, the Twin Cities from crime.  He apparently died eight years ago while fighting the alien demigod, Planto, on the moon, but he was actually transferred to a pocket dimension filled with super bees.  He returned to our dimension a year later, redesigned his costume, and returned to protecting the Midwest.

    Last week, Condor-Man was chasing supervillain, Claymore, through a chemical factory when it exploded.  The explosion seems to have been a result of the battle, and Claymore was nowhere to be found.  Condor-Man’s body was recovered from the scene and taken to a special morgue for an autopsy per regulations for any superhuman.

    A Peace Force doctor examined the body to make sure it was actually Paul Condorman and not a clone, shapeshifter, alien, robot, other dimensional being or projection, magic doll, mystical enchantment, or any number of other possibilities.  The results for the doctor concluded that this was Paul Condorman, the Condor-Man, and he is officially dead.

    Condorman is survived by his ex-wife, Laura O’Leary, his brother, Walt Condorman, and his niece, Felicia Condorman.  The Peace Force will pay for the funeral, which will be held this weekend at Holy Name  Cathedral in Chicago.