The New Romford Free Press

Tag: doomsday weapons

  • Space News Roundup 11.6.15

    Space News Roundup 11.6.15

    spacenews

    By Karna Firaliz

    ANNNKN, JNNKO Empire – A space whale got stuck in JNNKO Wormhole 3 (JW3), causing a traffic jam for thousands of light-years.  JW3 connects the home planet of ANNNKN with several outlying systems, and space “whales” (which only resemble Earth whales in appearance) are known to roam throughout several galaxies.  Thousands of space ships run into a herd of them swimming through the cosmos each year, killing hundreds of sentient beings and space whales.  Somehow one flew into JW3, knocking dozens of ships out of the line to enter JW3, and it got lodged in the wormhole.  Normally, JW3 expands to fit the size of the ship, but the space whale came in too fast for the wormhole to expand.  It took workers half a day to wedge open the wormhole without losing their tools in the curvature of spacetime, but they eventually got the space whale through by cutting off its fins.  JW3 returned to normal functionality, and the space whale was eaten by the JNNKOs.

    MONGOLIA, Pegasus Galaxy – Upon further inspection of the mysterious pyramid on their moon, Mongolian scientists have discovered that the structure is thankfully not a doomsday weapon as they had feared.  Instead, the pyramid is actual an orifice for the moon, as it has somehow become a living organism.  It began excreting “fecal matter” from the pyramid, or at least that’s what the Mongolian scientists hoped.  They are currently looking for a mouth of some sort.

    LOQ, Andromeda Galaxy – The Loq Kingdom announced that they’ve purged their planet of all doomsday weapons and objects with the hopes of reducing the number of world-destroying plots by villains and invading races.  The last object, The Crystal Orb of Hogs, which has the power to control minds, was expelled to an undisclosed pocket dimension.  Before, Loq contained 28 doomsday objects at its height, some of which were hidden on Earth back in the 60s, and as a result was always in a battle for its planet’s survival.  The current Oh Regime, seeing this constant struggle, made the removal of these doomsday objects from its planet and star system a top priority.  “We’ve seen what this has done to our people,” said King Jol Um Oh, “and we’ve seen what this has done to similar planets like JNNKN and Earth.  It was dumb.  Stupid.  What the hog were we thinking?  They may advance science by leaps and bounds, but at what cost?”  While his reasoning is sensible, many leaders are certain King Oh kept at least one doomsday object for himself for emergencies.

    ASTEROID BELT 34, Pegasus Galaxy – Several asteroids suddenly sprouted tentacles and attacked travelers on vacation.  No word yet on what creatures are living in the asteroids or how many sentient beings were killed, but authorities have advised travelers to avoid asteroid belts for now as they figure out this tentacle situation.

  • Earth Ranked “Most Destructive Planet” in Milky Way

    Earth Ranked “Most Destructive Planet” in Milky Way

    By Karna Firaliz

    ZATION V NEBULA – The Milky Way Report, issued about once every 2 Earth years by the Zation V Council, once again ranked Earth as the “Most Destructive Planet” in the galaxy.  This is the sixth time Earth has been ranked as such.

    The Zation V Council surveys all known planets in the Milky Way and neighboring galaxies on categories such as wealth, education, health, technological advancement, species unification, galactic reach, and destructiveness to itself and the galaxy as a whole.  While Earth ranked in the top 50 for wealth and galactic reach, it did not even crack the top 1,000 for the other categories.  But destructiveness was the one category it led in, and it’s easy to see why.

    “Earth, for some reason, lies at the nexus point for so many galactic conflicts,” read the report.  “They contain thousands of superpowered beings, many of which have abilities that literally tear at the fabric of spacetime, and some of whom are determined to do just that.  Earth is also home to no less than 12 galactic doomsday objects.  As such, they are also involved in many conflicts with beings from other planets for control of said doomsday objects or for revenge on any of their so-called ‘superheroes’.”

    The report pointed out that, while its position in the galaxy secluded it from most inhabited planets in the galaxy, Earth still found ways to inject some of its superhumans into galactic affairs.  The Cardessian Space Portal was originally used to connect Cardess to Saturn’s moon, Titan, back in the 1960s, but with the space race between the US and USSR, Earth eventually found the portal and used it for its own purposes.  The Peace Force and the Amazings have also engaged in 6 off-planet wars just by themselves, and Professor George Quinton reportedly had an affair with Princess Jinora of the Xim Empire in the 1970s that he chalked up to “space sickness”.

    Due to all of this, the title “Most Destructive” is a relative one.  The Cardessians, for instance, are more technologically advanced than Earth and have more galactic doomsday objects, but its empire is spread out over 34 planets and moons, along with its doomsday objects.

    “Earth is just big enough to contain enough superpowered beings, doomsday objects, and lack of species unification,” read the report, “to warrant the destructiveness title.  Many of its nations are on the brink of ruin, and some of them contain those objects.  Couple that with the numerous conflicts that have nearly destroyed the galaxy and the universe, it’s a wonder Earth hasn’t blown up already and taken all of existence along with it.”

    Earth’s leaders did not respond to the report.