The New Romford Free Press

Tag: dragon

  • Legion of Adonis Returns to Defeat Dragons in England

    Legion of Adonis Returns to Defeat Dragons in England

    By Stan Hopewell

    LONDON – The Legion of Adonis returned to our universe last night to battle dragons which had invaded our dimension for unknown reasons.

    Twenty-three Adonises from parallel universes and our very own Adonis joined battle for the first time in eight years.  The Adonis from Earth-477, a magic user, was apparently beating back an army of dragons in his dimension when they grabbed one of his magic staffs.  Then, they started hopping to other dimensions.  Earth-477 Adonis pursued them, but as the dragon army grew with dragons from other Earths, he had to reform the Legion.

    The battle spilled over to our Earth in the woods of England.  Our Adonis was contacted by Earth-1,022 Adonis, the robot Adonis, and quickly flew to join his other selves.  When our Adonis entered the fray, hundreds of dragons were burning the countryside.  Five Adonises were trying to stop the dragons while another two were trying to contain the fires.  The rest of the dragons and Legion were in other dimensions but engaging in similar battles.

    Earth-24,044 Adonis, the ape Adonis, was the heaviest hitter of the bunch on our planet, and that’s no small feat considering there were seven other Adonises in the area.  He was able to down half of the dragons all by himself, while the others took down the rest.  At various points in the battle, all the dragons and Adonises were sucked into another dimension, and reportedly, all twenty-four Adonises fought the lead dragon together in the final battle.  Thankfully, no civilians were injured in the battle, but hundreds of houses, farms, and roads were destroyed.

    The reason for the dragons’ attacks were not revealed to the public, though sources inside the Peace Force mentioned a magical amulet in Earth-34 being a possible target.  The amulet used to reside in Earth-477 but was now in Earth-34, again for unknown reasons.  Given that Earth-477 Adonis’s magic staff requires precision magics to use, the dragons probably didn’t know how to hop to Earth-34.  Earth-477 Adonis came to suck the dragons back to another dimension where they wouldn’t hurt anyone else.

    The seven Adonises that appeared on our Earth were robot Adonis (Earth-1,022), ape Adonis (Earth-24,044), Egyptian Adonis (Earth-788), two white female Adonises (Earth-2 and Earth-90), one black female Adonis (Earth-3), and Mole Man Adonis (Earth-2,033).

  • Giants Introduce Actual Dragon Burger to Menu

    Giants Introduce Actual Dragon Burger to Menu

    By Dash Hamley

    SAN FRANCISCO – Ballpark menus have expanded so much over the last ten years, from glazed doughnut hamburgers to bacon-wrapped sausages to Cleveland’s Fairy Wings (which weren’t actually made from fairies despite the rumors after the Great Fairy Infestation of 2008), but the Giants have stepped it up several notches.

    Remember when the dragon from Earth-1,233 attacked the Bay Area and was killed by a giant fire extinguisher five years ago?  It’s been in cold storage since as scientists have studied it.  Apparently, they’re done studying it and have sold several tons of its meat to AT&T Park for ball games.

    “Dragon meat has such a unique flavor,” said Bertolli’s head chef, Jim Bertolli.  “It has a wonderful umami component to it with just a hint of sweetness.  It’s unlike anything this world has ever tasted, and despite what you might think, it doesn’t have any heat to it.”

    The Giants, and a few restaurants, have acquired several tons of the dragon meat, which was rigorously tested by health officials to make sure it wasn’t toxic.  The meat can be cooked and served like beef, and a Dragon Burger will set you back $20.  But Bertolli thinks that the opportunity to eat a dragon makes that a bargain.

    “How often do you get to eat an actual dragon?” he said.  “You have to go back in time or go to another dimension or what have you, and who has that kind of cash?  Then you get there, and you have to kill the thing first, so yeah, $20 is a bargain if I do say so myself.”

    The bigger question is how the dragon was sold to restaurants to be sold as food.  Scientists can study an animal’s carcass for decades depending on storage and condition of the carcass, and a rare specimen such as an Earth-1,233 dragon would keep a research institute busy for a very long time.  How did the dragon end up in the freezers of AT&T Park?

    “Their lease for the giant freezer ran out,” said San Francisco Chronicle reporter, June Farrah.  “The scientists were keeping it in an arena-sized freezer for the past five years, but they didn’t own it.  They were paying millions of dollars just to store the thing, and they just couldn’t afford it anymore.  So, they sliced it up.  Granted, they kept all the important bits along with some of the muscle tissue for themselves, but the damn thing was just too big to store.”

    Bertolli’s will introduce three different types of Dragon Burgers next year:  The Original Dragon Burger, The Fiery Chipotle Dragon Burger, and The Bacon Ranch Dragon Burger.  They will all come with fries and, in place of a toothpick, with a tiny plastic knight standing triumphantly on top of the bun.