The New Romford Free Press

Tag: El Toro

  • Montezuma Breaks Nilrem Out of ‘Magic Jail’

    Montezuma Breaks Nilrem Out of ‘Magic Jail’

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    By Skip Daverman

    K’MANI REALM – Montezuma broke the mad magician, Nilrem, out of “magic jail,” as the K’Mani Realm is more commonly known, using his winged serpent, Quetzalcoatl.

    Experts have theorized that Montezuma has come back to life due to some sort of magic, if indeed it is the Montezuma of the Aztecs who died during the Spanish invasion into Mexico in 1520 and not a clone or robot.  The source of this magic has been a mystery, but now, that mystery appears to have been solved.  Quetzalcoatl has been creating portals that have allowed it and its master to teleport in an instant, and it just teleported into the K’Mani Realm.

    “This is most troubling,” said Boston magician and legal scholar, Lonnie Pierson.  “We’ve set up the strongest magical barriers known to the all the magical realms, and specifically, the barriers work with the eccentric properties of the K’Mani to make them even more impenetrable.  It’s like how a computing device changes its passcodes every few seconds, but even more erratic than that.  You need an intimate knowledge of how it works to get in or out.  And Quetzalcoatl got in with relative ease.  It’s just roared.”

    The K’Mani Realm houses many of the worst magicians, keeping them locked up with special barriers to counteract their personal magical abilities.  It is open to magicians of any planet in the Milky Way Galaxy and is monitored around the clock by thousands of magicians, wizards, mages, witches, and warlocks from hundreds of planets.  Since its inception in 1549, only three people have escaped, and all with inside help.  The last escapee was a non-Earth Mongolian in 1834.

    Quetzalcoatl’s teleportation abilities were thought to be scientific in nature, but it’s clear now that it uses some form of magic.  That magic is able to counteract the magics of the K’Mani Realm and even the specific magics of each inmate’s cell.  Quetzalcoatl broke Nilrem out of his cell with one roar.

    Now the question is why Montezuma broke out Nilrem.  Last time he was seen, Montezuma had learned what “Montezuma’s Revenge” meant in today’s vernacular, and he was not happy.

    “Whatever he’s up to,” said Mexico City superhero, El Toro, “it’s not going to be easy to stop.  He’s upset about his fallen nation and the disgrace brought to his name.  I suspect he’s going to lash out and show us his true revenge.”

    “And yes, I know how that sounds.”

  • Turns Out, Maze Island Was Full of Death Traps

    Turns Out, Maze Island Was Full of Death Traps

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    By Falco Rockbert

    MAZE ISLAND, Caribbean Sea – Maximillian Mazerly, a.k.a. Maze Man, was arrested today after his island resort, Maze Island, was full of death traps despite his many assurances that it wasn’t.

    El Toro apparently visited Maze Island undercover as a civilian on numerous occasions over the past few weeks, unconvinced that the supervillain had truly reformed.  Prior to the resort’s opening, he inspected all 12 of the island’s mazes, including the hotel, pool, golf course, and facilities.  At the time, El Toro couldn’t find any sign of death traps.

    But there was  a secret maze:  the 13th Maze.  It was filled with death traps.

    “I heard rumors of the 13th Maze from the staff,” said Cristos Williams, one of the first guests to the resort.  “They talked about it in hushed tones, which only made it more enticing.  I had already completed the underwater maze and the full-island maze, so I was looking for another challenge.  So I followed one employee to a storage closet that was emitting a green light, and I thought, ‘Bingo, 13th Maze.’  Then, I fell down a trap door into a room of spikes, wrecking balls, and lasers.”

    “It was nothing but death traps.”

    According to the nearly two dozen guests who entered the 13th Maze, each corridor punished the maze runner if they took a wrong turn or tried to cheat, usually by shooting spikes or lasers at them.  Three people fell into a snake pit, which were non-venomous, though they didn’t know that at the time, and two people were hit with the spikes, non-fatally.  Somehow, no one actually died from the death traps.

    But this all seemed to be a ruse to attract El Toro into the 13th Maze.  When he did emerge in costume, El Toro helped the guests who were stuck in the maze.  The real danger of the 13th Maze, as it turned out, was that there wasn’t an exit, and Maze Man appeared on a video screen to gloat about this to El Toro.

    “Man, I should’ve known this was all a trap for El Toro,” said Michael Fern.  “I kept seeing bull symbols all over the island.  Like, dude wasn’t even subtle about it in hindsight.  He’s always had a grudge.”

    Thankfully, El Toro analyzed the entrance to the 13th Maze and recognized that it was a dimensional portal, which was how he missed it.  He reconfigured an analysis device on his belt to trigger the portal’s energy signature and was able to teleport himself and everyone else out of the maze safely.  Then, it was a simple matter of defeating Maze Man’s goons and capturing Maze Man himself, and the horror of the 13th Maze was over.

    Mazerly tried to explain that no one had actually died in his “death traps” (and he made air quotes), but considering three people were traumatized in the snake pits, El Toro punched him in the face, knocking him unconscious.  Currently, he is in custody of the local officials.

  • Reformed Villain, Maze Man, Opens Island Resort, Promises It’s Not a Trap

    Reformed Villain, Maze Man, Opens Island Resort, Promises It’s Not a Trap

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    By Falco Rockbert

    MAZE ISLAND, Caribbean Sea – Reformed supervillain, Maze Man, a.k.a. Maximillian Mazerly, has been cleaning up his act for the past 15 years.  He’s designed mazes for over 30 theme parks around the world, and despite a track record of putting death traps in his mazes, not a single person has been harmed by these new mazes.

    Now, Mazerly has opened his own island resort, Maze Island, and he promises it’s not a death trap.

    “I know my past better than anyone else,” he said.  “There has been countless injuries in my mazes, and I’ve paid my debt to society for them.  But no one has ever died in one of my mazes, and that’s something I pride myself on.  Sure, my mazes have driven a certain number of people to go insane, but no one has died.”

    For the record, 18 people, including superhero Wave Man, have been institutionalized from entering Mazerly’s mazes over the past 30 years, and all of them still need psychiatric help to this day.

    “And I know I used to employ ‘death traps,’” he continued, “but did anyone actually die?  No, of course not.  I’m a genius maze maker, not a genius death trap maker.  Those were just obstacles for superheroes, especially for El Toro.  He was just the best at solving them.”

    To appease the fears people might have in coming to an island resort designed by the famed Maze Man himself, especially one with 12 mazes on it, Mazerly invited El Toro to examine his resort last month.  El Toro couldn’t find any sign of death traps, and he reported only two mazes might cause insanity, but Mazerly had put warning signs at their entrances.

    The mazes come in the form of hedge mazes, pyramid mazes, castle mazes, a corn maze, and a maze that can only be solved with a helicopter.  Mazerly didn’t give an explanation for how some of his mazes worked, leaving that up to his guests.

    “It wouldn’t be any fun if I told you how to solve them,” he said.  “Some are straight-forward, for the average guest, but for the true maze enthusiasts, I give no instruction.  Sometimes, I don’t point out where the entrance is.”

    “And again, I promise, no death traps.”

  • Montezuma Attacks Mexico City After Learning What ‘Montezuma’s Revenge’ Means

    Montezuma Attacks Mexico City After Learning What ‘Montezuma’s Revenge’ Means

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    By Skip Daverman

    MEXICO CITY, Mexico – The recently resurrected Aztec ruler, Montezuma, randomly attacked many skyscrapers in downtown Mexico City today after apparently learning what “Montezuma’s Revenge” means today.

    Riding Quetzalcoatl, Montezuma whipped the giant feathered serpent’s tail around a dozen skyscrapers, smashing windows and injuring hundreds.  This time, he gave no speeches.  He just lashed out at random buildings for a half hour as the local police tried to take him down.

    Mexican superhero, El Toro, flew into the battle and was having little effect on Quetzalcoatl.  The serpent slashed off one of the wings of El Toro’s plane, causing him to make an emergency landing on top of a nearby building.  He survived and used his grappling hooks to get to a rooftop.

    By then, Montezuma was standing on top of skyscraper, waiting for El Toro.  According to the superhero, Montezuma said, “You want my revenge?  Here it is.”  Then he dropped his loincloth and defecated onto the rooftop.  Montezuma made an offensive gesture to El Toro, presumably another thing he’s learned recently, climbed back on top of Quetzalcoatl, and teleported away.

    All in all, no one was seriously injured in the attack, and Montezuma didn’t take anyone hostage or make any demands.  El Toro reportedly took a sample of Montezuma’s feces for analysis in hopes of being able to track him.

    He left the rest of the feces for the police to clean up.