The New Romford Free Press

Tag: flour

  • World News: A Kraken, A Portal, The Bermuda Triangle, and Giant Potatoes

    World News: A Kraken, A Portal, The Bermuda Triangle, and Giant Potatoes

    worldnews

    By Falco Rockbert

    MUMBAI, India – Indian superhero, the Purple Monsoon, stopped Paul Plunder from smuggling billions of dollars worth of ancient artifacts out of the Mumbai docks yesterday night.  Plunder, a British supervillain known for smuggling indigenous treasures, had a cargo ship full of stolen Indian items when the Purple Monsoon swept into the docks with her army of sharks, jellyfish, and whales barricading the ship’s exit.  She used her water powers to flood the cargo ship, throwing jellyfish at the faces of Plunder’s henchmen, incapacitating them with their venomous stings.  A fire-fight followed via Plunder’s flame throwers, trapping the Purple Monsoon, but she called in her trump card, Zayn, the Kraken.  Zayn thrashed the henchmen with his enormous tentacles, and the Purple Monsoon had an opening to knock out Plunder.  The henchmen who had escaped the jellyfish and Zayn surrendered to local police, and the Purple Monsoon hopped onto Zayn’s back and rode off from the docks.

    LAGOS, Nigeria – The flour that had dropped onto the city a week ago was finally cleaned up today.  Rain from a couple days ago made clean up sticky and difficult, but the city is back to normal now.  Scientists, meanwhile, have determined the portal was opened by a strange energy fluctuation in Munich, Germany, but the origin of that is still unknown.  The flour came from a Wertzenbach Foods warehouse in Munich, and that was discovered right away.  Wertzenbach Foods reported $1.2 million in lost and damaged goods.  Authorities and scientists are looking for any leads into the origin of the portal.

    BERMUDA TRIANGLE – Over the past three days, ships and planes that have mysteriously drowned in the Bermuda Triangle have now floated to the ocean’s surface, also mysteriously.  Satellite imaging has spotted over 60 man-made crafts, and so far, they appear to be unmanned.  The Peace Force is sending a team to investigate, and Atlantis is investigating the ocean floor.

    DUBLIN, Ireland – A man claiming to be from 19th century Ireland suddenly appeared in the Irish countryside with nine giant potatoes.  The man claimed to be Ian McGilley, a Irishman who disappeared in the 1850s during the Irish potato famine, and he said he followed “an angel” to a “mystical land” where food was gigantic and plentiful.  McGilley said that he had a series of adventures and misfortunes with the local populace of this “mystical land”, but with the aid of the “angel”, he was able to procure nine giant potatoes that would feed his impoverished nation.  He also claims that he was only in this “mystical land” for two weeks, and he is reportedly very confused with the 21st century.  While scientists have confirmed that McGilley came from to the Irish countryside via a interdimensional portal, they can’t confirm the rest of his story.  The giant potatoes, on the other hand, do appear to be giant potatoes, but authorities are keeping them secured while scientists determine if they’re safe to eat.

  • World News Roundup 10.6.15

    World News Roundup 10.6.15

    worldnews

    By Falco Rockbert

    ANTARCTICA – A research team exploring the frigid wastelands of the South Pole discovered a town of Yetis, who have apparently been living there for several centuries.  The town, known as Yetisi, is home to at least 4,000 Yetis according to the researchers rough estimates.  The exact age of the town is not known, but according to the Yetis, their ancestors left the Himalayas over a religious dispute and headed south.  Subsisting on rocks, snow, penguins, and the occasional cannibalism, the Yetis have built a functioning democratic republic with several outposts throughout Antarctica.  They don’t have a currency or any advanced technology beyond axes and frostbite, but they were peaceful and welcoming of the humans.  “Despite living at the end of the world,” said one researcher, “they still had an understanding of historical and current events.  And they made sure to let us know they knew how humans invade lands to exploit their resources, pointing out to the frozen desert each time.  It was disconcerting.”  The research team returned to their base camp safely and early.

    LAGOS, Nigeria – A portal opened up over the skies of Lagos this morning, dropping 30 tons of what was later determined to be flour.  The portal opened up 1,800 feet above the city, and the wind scattered the flour over a 6-mile radius.  Despite clogging the engines of several cars and trucks and downing all airplanes, no one was injured in the “snow”.  The portal closed up in 3 minutes, and scientists have not determined where the flour came from or who opened the portal.

    LA PAZ, Bolivia – Bolivians were made aware of what Lake Titicaca sounds like in English yesterday.  Some Bolivians became embarrassed by the sudden revelation while others came to appreciate the lake more than they previously did.  Peru, who shares the lake, however, still did not get what all the fuss was about.

    TORONTO, Canada —  Tom South, a writer and urban hole explorer, has finished his latest exploration of all the urban holes in Canada.  The three-year journey began in Vancouver and moved eastward to Halifax, ending in his hometown of Toronto.  Eight years ago, South somehow became trapped in the water tank of the submarine ride at the West Edmonton Mall while it was empty for maintenance, and he recorded his three-day experience in his journals.  Trapped in a Dumb Hole became a national bestseller, and he followed that up with “trapping” himself in the Mall of America for two month for his second book Mall of Despairica:  The Cruel Capitalism and Literal Indian Graveyard Under the Mall of America.  That book wasn’t as big of a success as his first, and the lawsuit from the Mall of America eventually had the book pulled from stores.  With the encouragement from his editor, South returned to his roots and embarked on a detailed exploration of urban holes in Canada, and his new book, Holes:  How to Defeat Them the Canadian Way, is slated to come out next year.