by Dash Hamley
NEW YORK — In a recently published report investigating over 400 universities, 64% were found to be fronts for their for-profit football teams. The NCAA declined to comment.
The “universities,” including Auburn, Alabama, Oregon, Florida, Florida State, Northwestern, and, surprisingly, Stanford, were found to be fronts for their football teams. The “professors,” “classes,” “dorms,” and “diplomas” were all fake as well. None were accredited with the government, and their “professors” were actors working from scripts. The only true purpose for these universities was to establish “college football teams” to make millions of dollars from ticket and merchandise sales and television deals.
“How they were able to set this all up 40, 50, 60 years ago,” said college football analyst Kirk Herbstreit, “is astonishing. College football, let alone football itself, wasn’t the huge money-making venture that it is today. No way could they have known this that far in advance, and yet, if this report is true, that’s exactly what happened.”
The report, conducted in secrecy, doesn’t explain how they had the foresight to execute such a plan. Many of the universities are 100 years old and began with no sports programs let alone a football program. It’s possible that a time traveler with an almanac went back in time, but tachyon disturbances are difficult to detect in a muddled timestream like ours. Still, it’s not out of the realm of possibilities.
How exactly the universities operated for so long without accreditation while also handing out diplomas and sending graduates into the workforce is even a greater conspiracy than any time shenanigans. The report did note several expenses to five different holding companies, all residing in Newark, New Jersey. They all reside in nondescript office buildings and don’t advertise their names on the outside of the buildings. While the report wasn’t able to determine why these universities were paying these holding companies on a regular basis, the companies’ other clients include U.S. Senators and Congressmen. The implication from the report is that the universities are bribing lawmakers to acquire accreditation without complying with accreditation standards.
None of the universities named in the report commented on the accusations, but several “professors” from each have suddenly resigned and gone into hiding. “This is an egregious breach of ethics and trust,” said college football analyst Lee Corso, while still wearing a horse mascot head over his own head for some reason. “Nevermind the fact that they’re making millions of dollars off of more or less free labor, but they’re also handing out degrees to people who don’t deserve them. There are doctors out there right now who got their medical degrees at these schools. How is this even possible?”
“That said, I can’t wait for national signing day [on February 4]. It’s going to be exciting!”