The New Romford Free Press

Tag: human-looking aliens

  • Ask Julia: I Have an Alien Girlfriend, I Think

    Ask Julia: I Have an Alien Girlfriend, I Think

    askjulia

    By Julia Crumpleman

    Greetings, Earthlings!  Today’s question comes from “Jacob” from “an undisclosed location”.

    Okay, so I started dating my girlfriend about three months ago, and so far, everything’s been great.  But lately, she’s been sneaking out at night when we’re together, and she comes back covered in dirt, jittery, and her eyes are completely black with some weird symbol in them.  I’ve finally confronted her about this a couple nights ago, and she confessed that she’s an alien princess on the run from an enemy her planet has been fighting for millennia, and she’s going out at night to “deal” with them.  She won’t tell me more than that, and I’m not sure I believe it, but the eye thing is freaking me out.

    So, my question is:  where can I go to get information about alien civilizations?  I just want to verify her story, you know, because I really like her, and I hope she isn’t crazy or something.  Thanks!

    Well, this wasn’t where I thought this question was going, so first off, good on you, “Jacob,” for sticking by your girlfriend and her…extracurricular activities!

    Now the answer to your question is a bit tricky.  There are literally millions of alien civilizations out there, and Earth has only experienced a fraction of them.  Any information source is likely going to be incomplete or focus on a few planets.

    That said, I’d recommend visiting the New Romford University Library first.  I know kids these days love to find things online, but a good old trip to the library has never hurt anybody.  Talk to some of the librarians there as the NRU Library has a whole section devoted to extraterrestrial books.  They’ll be able to direct you to the most current and reliable scholarship of alien civilizations.

    Next, I’d recommend visiting the Peace Force Museum.  Superheroes fight aliens on a regular basis, and they have an extensive archive of alien battle that includes photos and film.  You might find something there, but if you stay too long, security will get suspicious.

    Another possibility, though this is a long shot, would be to write Dr. Amazing or the Peace Force directly.  Bear in mind that if you do, they will likely investigate your girlfriend, and she probably won’t be your girlfriend anymore.

    Or you could try believing her!  We live in a very active universe, and we get a lot of extraterrestrial activity here.  If her eyes are going black and showing a symbol, she may be telling the truth.  Good luck!

  • Planet Harulia Loves Earth Culture for This Weird Reason

    Planet Harulia Loves Earth Culture for This Weird Reason

    by Karna Firaliz

    HARULIA — A distant planet in the Crab Nebula has just received some of the first early television transmissions ever projected from Earth (with the aid of neighboring spaceways), and they reportedly love Earth culture.  And Earthlings may not like the reason.

    “These Earthlings are just talking Plaqars!” said one Harulian on their version of the internet.  “My Grobnar, are you kidding me?  Earthlings are actually Plaqars?  That ups the fondul, positive!”

    While the intricacies of Harulian slang are difficult to explain to non-Harulians, Plaqars are not.  On Harulia, one of the non-sentient animals is a human-looking creature called a Plaqar.  It crawls around on its four limbs, climbs trees, hangs down from the limbs when it urinates or defecates (oftentimes onto the vehicles of the Harulians), and is generally an annoying pest.  They are one of the most hated animals on the planet, and they just happen to look exactly like a Caucasian Human from planet Earth.

    “Pop pop pop!” said another Harulian, using their favorite slang version of “LOL”.  “This is hilarious!  Earth is actually run by walking, talking Plaqars?  How have they not been conquered yet?  For serious, Grobnar, juice them, positive fondul!”

    “I’ve always thought Plaqars were cute,” said one Plaqar-loving Harulian, a small but vocal group of Plaqar-rights activists.  “Their smooth, hairless bodies and weird grabby hands, I love them!  I’ve had one as a pet, and once you train them not to [expletive] on your vehicle, they’re really quite grooval.  Positive!”

    Coincidentally, Harulians look exactly like giant walking, talking Earth rats, but they don’t seem fazed when told this.  “We are whatever those things are called,” said an anonymous Harulian.  “And I don’t feel any remorse for laughing at these dumb talking Plaqars.  For serious, are these things real?  The Jolophins aren’t pulling a prank on us with this fondul, right?”

    The Jolophins, by the way, look like giant walking, talking Earth cats and have been at odds with Harulia for centuries.