The New Romford Free Press

Tag: JNNKO Empire

  • Space News Roundup 11.6.15

    Space News Roundup 11.6.15

    spacenews

    By Karna Firaliz

    ANNNKN, JNNKO Empire – A space whale got stuck in JNNKO Wormhole 3 (JW3), causing a traffic jam for thousands of light-years.  JW3 connects the home planet of ANNNKN with several outlying systems, and space “whales” (which only resemble Earth whales in appearance) are known to roam throughout several galaxies.  Thousands of space ships run into a herd of them swimming through the cosmos each year, killing hundreds of sentient beings and space whales.  Somehow one flew into JW3, knocking dozens of ships out of the line to enter JW3, and it got lodged in the wormhole.  Normally, JW3 expands to fit the size of the ship, but the space whale came in too fast for the wormhole to expand.  It took workers half a day to wedge open the wormhole without losing their tools in the curvature of spacetime, but they eventually got the space whale through by cutting off its fins.  JW3 returned to normal functionality, and the space whale was eaten by the JNNKOs.

    MONGOLIA, Pegasus Galaxy – Upon further inspection of the mysterious pyramid on their moon, Mongolian scientists have discovered that the structure is thankfully not a doomsday weapon as they had feared.  Instead, the pyramid is actual an orifice for the moon, as it has somehow become a living organism.  It began excreting “fecal matter” from the pyramid, or at least that’s what the Mongolian scientists hoped.  They are currently looking for a mouth of some sort.

    LOQ, Andromeda Galaxy – The Loq Kingdom announced that they’ve purged their planet of all doomsday weapons and objects with the hopes of reducing the number of world-destroying plots by villains and invading races.  The last object, The Crystal Orb of Hogs, which has the power to control minds, was expelled to an undisclosed pocket dimension.  Before, Loq contained 28 doomsday objects at its height, some of which were hidden on Earth back in the 60s, and as a result was always in a battle for its planet’s survival.  The current Oh Regime, seeing this constant struggle, made the removal of these doomsday objects from its planet and star system a top priority.  “We’ve seen what this has done to our people,” said King Jol Um Oh, “and we’ve seen what this has done to similar planets like JNNKN and Earth.  It was dumb.  Stupid.  What the hog were we thinking?  They may advance science by leaps and bounds, but at what cost?”  While his reasoning is sensible, many leaders are certain King Oh kept at least one doomsday object for himself for emergencies.

    ASTEROID BELT 34, Pegasus Galaxy – Several asteroids suddenly sprouted tentacles and attacked travelers on vacation.  No word yet on what creatures are living in the asteroids or how many sentient beings were killed, but authorities have advised travelers to avoid asteroid belts for now as they figure out this tentacle situation.

  • Space News Roundup 7.28.15

    Space News Roundup 7.28.15

    spacenews

    By Karna Firaliz

    OORT CLOUD – Local Group Police (LGP) have arrested 230 sentient beings and their hideous steeds on suspicion of plotting a quantillium shipment that was due to come through the Oort Cloud two Earth weeks from now.  The sentient beings, a mixture of several space pirate brigades, galaxy drifters, and anti-matter bandits, were hiding out on the various planetesimals, and somehow hid their steeds (interstellar whales, snakes, and a smattering of living motorcycles) behind the small hunks of ice and rock.  The LGP was tipped off to their location after a brawl between two rival pirate brigades broke out and turned explosive after touching the anti-matter bandits.  The light from explosions reflected off the icy rocks and reached a nearby LGP outpost roughly 300,000 Earth kilometers away.  The LGP armada was called in and made the arrests after a 5 Earth-hour laser fight.

    MONGOLIA, Pegasus Galaxy – A mysterious pyramid suddenly appeared on Mongolia’s moon, ominously pointing at the planet.  Mongolian officials (note:  this planet just coincidentally shares its name with the Earth nation) sent up a team to investigate.  Reportedly, the Mongolian government suspected it was a volcano, but with its four symmetrical sides, they feared it will be a doomsday weapon.

    TROT, Milky Way Galaxy – Cart Befer Moop, the famed Loorian explorer, who was on a mission to chart every planet in the Milky Way Galaxy, tragically died three Earth days ago when she was eaten by a living planet in the Sagittarius Arm.  Her ship along with its  records were spat out by the planet, and it landed on the planet Trot.  Before Moop died, she had charted 3,429 planets, planetoids, and moons.  She was only 745 Earth year old, young by her species’ standards.

    S’TOK, Andromeda Galaxy – A group of JNNKO college students ransacked the peaceful, solipsistic beings of S’Tok, famous for not believing anyone or anything outside of their planet actually exists.  The college students were rowdy, drinking alcohol at all hours of the day, taking food right out of the local S’Tok’s hands, and pushing and hitting the locals, all without resistance.  A pair of Xim tourists happened to be in the vicinity and did their best to help the locals, but the college students outnumbered them.  When they finally got bored, the JNNKO college students left five villages in shambles.  When asked by the Xim tourists why they let the college students do this to them, the S’Tok wondered how the destruction happened.  The local police arrived on the scene, but they wouldn’t take down the Xims statements because they didn’t believe the Xims actually existed.  Exasperated, the Xim tourists left S’Tok in disgust.

  • Universal Translators Disabled in JNNKO Empire, Havoc Ensues

    Universal Translators Disabled in JNNKO Empire, Havoc Ensues

    By Karna Firaliz

    ANNNKN – Hackers in the JNNKO Empire of the Andromeda Galaxy disabled billions of universal translators yesterday, wreaking havoc in over 300 star systems.

    Like most intergalactic empires, the JNNKO use universal translators to automatically translate the languages of its people and the people they interact with on a daily basis.  The JNNKO Empire spans over 200 star systems by themselves but regularly do business with another 100 star systems, kingdoms, and empires.  While they don’t have any official languages, the JNNKO is known to speak over 5,000 languages.

    Needless to say, universal translators are essential to run their empire.  With the translation network disabled, everything turned to chaos.

    “Nobody here has learned a second language,” said JN-001, Language Coder and Decrypter for IONN, the leading communications provider for the empire.  “We’ve all grown up in an era where machines learn those languages for us, and some people barely know a first language.  The translators are so good they can translate guttural noises.  Some people just grunt at each other, and the translators make it understandable to anyone.”

    The network went down yesterday at noon in the capital city, SUNNK, on ANNNKN.  The media and financial centers were first to notice the disruption, and the markets dropped 2.5 billion money points in one JNNKO Time Unit (about 50 Earth minutes).  Then the parliament went into disarray when lawmakers began to speak “gibberish” debating a new bill.  Schools, businesses, traffic, and interactions with the police descended into a chaotic mess.  Thousands of fights broke out over simple miscommunications.

    The biggest problem was transportation.  The translators also translated signs on highways, and hundreds of mile-long traffic jams were reported everywhere on ANNNKN.  Then, there were the airships.  Without the translators, airships couldn’t communicate with the air traffic controllers.  Some airships were able to find an empty landing strip or platform, but many had to circle airports for hours.  Luckily, some of the older controllers spoke multiple languages and could communicate with the pilots to safely land every airship.

    And this was just on ANNNKN.  The outer planets and spaceways in the JNNKO Empire weren’t quite as lucky as ANNNKN, which has a highly advanced infrastructure and varied populace.  The chaos on the other planets was much worse, resulting in thousands of injuries and trillions of monies in damages.  After about six JNNKO Time Units, the translation network was back online.  It was a costly day in the JNNKO Empire.

    “The real question is who did this and why,” said JN-001.  “We have many enemies, but most of them would also be negatively affected by this as well.  We use the same translators for business and diplomatic relations.  A terrorist network could be possible, though if they wanted us to understand their message, this would be counterintuitive.  I’m hoping it’s just some dumb kids.  PLARG rest their souls.”

    JNNKO Prime, the king of the JNNKO Empire, did not release a statement, but officials said they are investigating the hack and will punish the perpetrators to the fullest extent of the law.

  • Intergalactic Super Spaceway Being Discussed Between Galaxies

    Intergalactic Super Spaceway Being Discussed Between Galaxies

    By Karna Firaliz

    ANNNKN PLANET – An intergalactic super spaceway is being discussed between seven empires across four galaxies.  If this project is completed, it would be the largest known transportation route in the known universe.

    The JNNKO Empire on ANNNKN Planet is proposing the super spaceway, dubbed SS1.  The JNNKO Empire spreads over 200 star systems in the Andromeda Galaxy and is by far the richest empire in the Local Group (a cluster of galaxies including the Milky Way and Andromeda as well as several smaller galaxies).  Currently, they use a system of spaceways between their planets and neighboring empires, but they are growing old and worn out, and they have begun to gather stray asteroids.  SS1 would create a gigantic open spaceway that would replace many of those old systems and also connect the Andromeda and Milky Way Galaxies.

    But there are several obstacles.  The first is cost.  Clearing out space in outer space should be inexpensive as there is a lot of empty space in outer space.  But these old spaceways aren’t very empty.  There’s heavy traffic between planets, military space stations, satellites, moons, space debris, asteroids, and comets, not to mention dark matter.  They all take up space, and any new spaceway, especially one as large as SS1, would have to secure even more space.

    Right now, the JNNKO Empire is offering to pay for one-fourth of the cost, which is no small feat considering the empire is deep in debt.  The 34th Xim Empire at the outer edge of the Andromeda Galaxy is on board with the project, but they are even more in debt than the JNNKOs.  The Mongolians (an empire who share a name with an Earth nation by coincidence) of the Pegasus Galaxy is also hesitant to spend money on a JNNKOian project after the previous JNNKOian emperor, PLNNNKO, vomited at one of their state dinners.  Vomiting Mongolian food is a serious faux pas in their society, and relations between the two empires has been rocky ever since.

    The second obstacle is the proposed route for SS1.  Right now, it would involve destroying several moons across 26 different solar systems, and conservationists have been voicing their grievances.  Several moons have ecosystems of their own along with endangered species.  Klop 5 of planet Succop is home to the last living Miketan, a self-replicating 60-foot tall animal that resembles an Earth panda.  They replicate once every 20 years, and the last Miketan hasn’t replicated in 8 years.

    The final obstacle will, of course, be the S’Tok Planet.  The S’Toks’ religion involves a unique form of solipsism.  They believe every other planet other than their own exists solely within their minds and not reality, despite the fact they’ve interacted with the JNNNKOs and Mongolians on a daily basis for centuries.  Getting them to invest in SS1 will be difficult.  Any treaty will have to include a provision that all over planets apart from S’Tok don’t actually exist, and that provision will probably have to be written by an S’Tok.

    Negotiations are expected to last for the next two or three Earth years.  SS1 would essentially connect over 6,000 planets across four galaxies.  It is projected to generate and extra 35% is GDP for each empire over the next Earth century.