The New Romford Free Press

Tag: local news roundup

  • Local News Roundup (9.1.15)

    Local News Roundup (9.1.15)

    localnews

    By Packie Williams

    SUSSEX, Bexton – Laboratory equipment and several pounds of chemicals were stolen from Currie Labs two nights ago.  Security cameras show three women in black clothing and masks busting into the rear garage door with a van.  The women proceeded to grab several pieces of specialized equipment—Currie Labs did not want to specify what—and haul them, slowly, to their van.  This took them eight minutes to load up the van before one of the women realized a forklift was nearby.  They tried to grab a few more pieces but couldn’t figure out how the forklift worked.  Then they heard the police sirens, ditched the forklift, and randomly grabbed several bags of powdered chemicals and potting soil.  The women made their escape down the back alley and are still on the loose.

    THOMAS BAY, The Heights – The Bernard St. Warrior, Nicholas Conberm, was swinging around the street lights of Thomas Bay two nights ago in pursuit of a man who supposedly mugged an elderly couple.  The mugger got away when Conberm ran out of grappling hooks and fell onto the pavement from 20 feet up.  He apparently only had five grappling hooks on him at the time.

    SHOREFRONT, Downtown – A local Atlantean calmed down a giant squid on display at the Quigley Aquarium yesterday afternoon after the giant squid attacked the other fish and staff members.  The giant squid, called Sir Arms-a-Lot by the aquarium staff, was on display for a limited time after being caught in Winston Bay two weeks ago.  Sir Arms-a-Lot was injured and recuperating in the aquarium, and people were invited to watch the giant squid as it strained to swim around in its relatively small tank.  Yesterday, it became agitated and started attacking the other fish in its tank.  When the staff tried to calm it down, Sir Arms-a-Lot began to attack them and crawled up out of the tank.  Security tried to subdue the giant squid, but they, their tasers, and their comparatively small stature were ultimately ineffective.  A local Atlantean happened to be in the aquarium and rushed to their aid.  He punched Sir Arms-a Lot in the beak and tackled it back into the water.  He then pushed his hand inside an opening in the squid’s mouth, reaching something that calmed the creature down.  The Atlantean wished to remain anonymous but told the staff that Sir Arms-a-Lot should really be put back into the ocean before it wakes up.

    VIRGIN HEIGHTS, Bexton – After further review from ATOM Labs, the attack on Paulina’s Pottery Port was just some local hoodlums looking for pottery and not the return of those time-traveling Vandals.

  • Local News Roundup (6.19.15)

    Local News Roundup (6.19.15)

    localnews

    By Packie Williams

    NOWICKS, The Heights – The Bernard St. Warrior got into a fist fight with two carjackers on Henry Drive two nights ago.  The wannabe superhero, whose real name is Nicholas Conberm, tried to prevent two men from stealing a car outside of Finn’s Bar.  Conberm flung rubber balls at the carjackers with his slingshot, missing the carjackers and breaking the windows of the car he was trying to save.  Not intimidated by Conberm, the carjackers got into a fist fight with the Bernard St. Warrior, eventually winning.  The carjackers fled the scene once a police car approached the scene.  Conberm was ticketed for breaking the car’s windows and is expected to pay for the repairs.

    BEATON HILL, Dukes – Cat-themed supervillain, Mr. Whiskers, was arrested last night trying to steal an Ancient Egyptian Bastet statue from the Wonders of Ancient Egypt exhibit at the Princetown Museum.  Superhero, Red Man, was the one who caught Mr. Whiskers and his goons attempting to pilfer the Bastet statue, the featured piece of the exhibit.  Red Man was roaming the neighborhood rooftops when he heard the alarm go off.  Using his lasers, jet boots, and Red Claw, Red Man defeated the goons easily, but that was enough to give Mr. Whiskers a chance to escape.  Red Man chased after the supervillain and caught him in the alleyway behind Fletcher Street in Dominicana.  Mr. Whiskers was turned over to police custody.

    HOLLAND, Norwoods – Residents reported a “monster” in Lake Hominy terrorizing kids on the lakeshore and giving people “bad dreams”, but authorities could not confirm that a lake monster exists.

    MONACO, Bexton – Police were called into the Grocery King on Atlantic Avenue and Catherine Street as an eight-foot-tall Minotaur entered the store.  The Minotaur, whose name is Gary Larson, grabbed a cart and started to shop.  It’s not clear who called the police, a staff member or a patron, but Larson seemed to expect the attention.  Larson kept his hands in the air as the police began to question him, and when it became apparent that Larson, who had just moved to Monaco last week from Boston, was simply buying groceries for his new home, the police apologized and left.  Grocery King would not comment past saying they were not the ones who called the police.  Larson, for his part, was jovial, happy, and did a good job of not knocking things over with his horns.