The New Romford Free Press

Tag: Magicimo

  • Twin Cities Returning to Normal

    Twin Cities Returning to Normal

    magnilrem

    By Skip Daverman

    MINNEAPOLIS – After the month-long nightmare of the sentient bickering mouths, the Twin Cities are finally returning to normal, and making some money along the way.

    The damage caused by the mouths, which became sentient due to the evil sorcerer, Nilrem, was not as extensive as previously thought.  The damage to the infrastructure was limited.  Only about 30 streets in both cities combined needed repairs, and surprisingly, around 120 buildings were damages with only 9 critically damaged.  The windows all across the Twin Cities needed the most repairs, but most residents were grateful for that.

    “I really thought my home was destroyed,” said Robert Mathis, who lives less than a mile from downtown Minneapolis.  “Those mouths were so loud.  I thought for sure the sound waves would’ve just crushed everything, but all I came home to was a couple of broken windows and a bent storm drain.  Talk about lucky.”  Unlike Kansas, Magicimo could not reverse the damage with a spell.  A reversal spell would need to be cast within 24 hours of the original spell to work.

    With everyone returning home, the Twin Cities have not only gotten back to work but also have started capitalizing on their plight.  Both cities have commissioned artists to paint an outline of where the mouths were, and once done, they’ll place plaques along the way to preserve this unique piece of history.  They’ve even proposed to make each site a National Historical Site, but a decision on that isn’t expected until at least next year.

    Furthermore, to help generate some revenue and to mitigate the revenue they lost from this disaster, both cities are offering helicopter tours so people can see the “mouths” from up in the sky.  “It’s been really popular,” said St. Paul pilot Jon Francis.  “When you get up in the air, you really get a sense of just how big those things were.  Sometimes I like to spook them by rumbling into my headset.  Heh, really sounds like they’re coming back to the passengers.”

    And in other Nilrem news, the Chicago Cubs returned to Wrigley Field, playing their first home game in months.  So far, no one has noticed that they’ve returned.

  • The Magnificent Magician, Magicimo® Puts Twin Cities to Sleep

    magicimoweb

    By Skip Daverman

    MINNEAPOLIS – After several weeks of interminable bickering, the sentient mouths of the Twin Cities have finally been put to sleep by The Magnificent Magician, Magicimo®.

    Since the giant mouths started yelling at each other, scientists from all over the world have been lending their support in finding out what exactly made the Twin Cities sentient and rowdy.  No one could come up with an answer.  “It was clearly not the work of man,” said The Magnificent Magician, Magicimo® in his typical boisterous stage voice, “but the work of a madman.  And I do not mean Jon Hamm.”

    While everyone understood what he meant, he went on to explain that he had been on another plane of existence for the past three months, and when he returned to hear of Minnesota’s plight, he “smelled the stink of dark, delirious, and demented dealings with the Devil.”  In other words, it was Nilrem, the evil mirror image of the ancient sorcerer, Merlin.  “Do you not see?” he said.  “This is his handy work.  To sow disruption, discord, and disaster in the most insane, insidious, inane way known to madman.  Clearly it was him!”

    Thankfully, The Magnificent Magician, Magicimo® got to the Twin Cities just in time.  They had somehow developed hands, and Minneapolis was whipping the Mississippi River at St. Paul.  How it was able to grab hold of a river and use it as a whip is also not known, but it was probably magic.  St. Paul retaliated by throwing Pickerel Lake at Minneapolis.  Again, magic.

    The Magnificent Magician, Magicimo® put a sleeping spell on both cities, and then gave a lengthy speech filled with alliteration to the authorities and press.  Once he left to search for Nilrem, the Twin Cities were eerily quiet for nearly ten minutes.  Everyone who attended his speech in Mankato remained silent, relishing the first real silence in weeks, but it was short lived.  It turned out that Minneapolis snores.